Love Me Dead
by Clover Swan
Summary: Part 3 of the I Don't Wanna Be In Love Series.
1. Love Me Dead

Love Me Dead

Disclaimer: I do not own Batman, I do not own the Rogues, but I do own a very awesome sexy Joker doll. So there! Take that DC!

"Hello friends! Valentine's Day is upon us, this Saturday in fact, and here's the couples scorecard…Ivy and Harvey are going strong and plan on celebrating V-Day at the Iceberg, as will all the Rogues. Alice and Jervis, still in love, still annoying, no surprise. Selina and Bruce don't have much going on but the rumor going around is that the two may be moving in together. How long will that last? Holly and Dick are still living together, but the couple was seen fighting last week after I sent out the picture of Dick having lunch with a mysterious red head. Whoops! On the flip side, Eddie is no longer single! He and Scarlet hit it off at the New Year's Eve ball and have been spotted all around town together. Good for him…sorry Holly. Now the big couple, the one everyone is wondering about, Harley and Joker! Well…um…no one has really seen or heard from the couple…which is odd. I'm sure we'll see them Saturday. Tipster out!"

Selina rolled her eyes and snapped her phone closed. She looked out the window of the car as they passed Third Street. She hated it when Bruce sent Alfred over to pick her up when he couldn't. It made her feel bad, which was odd since she was used to taking cabs all the time.

Alfred smiled at her in the rearview mirror.

She smiled back.

"You're awfully quite today Miss Kyle," Alfred remarked.

"Will you ever call me Selina? I mean years from now, if Bruce and I are married will you still call me Miss Kyle?" she asked.

"No, I will call you Mrs. Wayne."

Selina snickered.

"How is Miss Quinn doing? I haven't heard anything since I drove her to the New Year's Eve Ball."

"I wouldn't know. She's dropped off the face of the Earth along with her boyfriend."

"Oh dear."

"Don't worry. It means things are going really good," she joked.

"I see."

"Why are you curious about Harley?"

"Even though I am on the side that is against what they do, the Rogue's Gallery is still rather entertaining. And Master Drake inquired about Miss Quinn as I left," Alfred explained.

"Really? Hmm." Selina smiled to herself. She had something to tease Tim about later.

"We're here Miss Kyle."

"Thank you Mr. Pennyworth," she said as she got out of the car before he could get the door.

"Shall I wait for you?"

"No, Bruce and I will grab a cab."

Selina walked through the giant doors of Wayne Enterprises, smiled at the receptionist at the front desk, and boarded the elevators. She stared at the buttons for a second before a hand jumped out in front of her and hit 15. The doors closed and Selina looked over to see Lucius Fox. "Thanks. I always forget the floor number."

"Not a problem Selina. How are you doing today?" Lucius asked.

"Not bad."

"Going to lunch with Bruce?"

"Yeah. It's the only time her has this week."

The doors slid open and they stepped off the elevator together.

"Important work for him to do?" Selina asked gesturing toward the file in Lucius's hands.

"No, just something he said he was interested in looking at." Lucius opened the door to Bruce Wayne's office.

The two stopped in the doorway and stared at Bruce who was kicked back in his chair with his feet on his desk, asleep.

"How would your company survive without him? Selina asked sarcastically.

"It is a mystery. I'll let you wake him." Lucius handed her the file and left the room, closing the door as he went.

Selina sauntered over to the desk and slapped the file down onto Bruce's lap.

Bruce jumped up and went to reach for her stopping just a breath away when he realized it was Selina. "You scared the hell out of me."

"I'm surprised you were really sleeping. Usually you just pretend."

"Late night," he replied.

"I heard on the news this morning. Freeze huh? He's been inactive for awhile."

"I know. There's no in between with that guy. He's either nowhere or he's conquering the world."

"Do you want to cancel lunch then?"

"No, I already feel bad because I have no time this week."

"Well then let's get to it cuz I'm starved." Selina started for the door.

"Hey, hold on," Bruce called getting up from his desk and throwing on his jacket.

Selina stopped and tapped her foot impatiently.

Bruce scooped her up in his arms and kissed her. "I need something to keep me going," he joked.

Ivy poured herself a cup of tea and enjoyed the few minutes of peace she had. Harvey was still sleeping and Ivy treasured that. Lately, it felt like she and Harvey were attached at the hip. Harley had disappeared and hadn't answered any calls and Selina was busy with Bruce so that left Ivy alone with Harvey. It would be nice if they did things but all they ever did was sit at home and talk or go to the Iceberg and talk. She was tired of talking. She was tired of this 80 year old couple thing they had going.

Harvey stumbled into the kitchen. He kissed her on top of the head ad went about making himself a cup of coffee.

That was something else that bothered her, it was always Harvey. Two Face had become as scarce as Harley.

"What are you drinking?" Harvey asked.

"Tea," Ivy replied shortly.

"Heard from Harley?"

"No."

Harvey sipped his coffee as he snatched the paper from Ivy. "Anything good in the news?"

"There was a fire over on Upton."

"I meant Tipster news."

"Not really. Harley's MIA, Selina and Bruce might move in together. The usual," she sighed.

Harvey grunted.

"I'm starving," Harley whined into Joker's chest.

"Me too," he replied.

"We haven't eaten all day."

"Try two days."

"One of us should go to the kitchen."

"The kitchen is too far away."

"You should make me a sandwich," she coaxed.

"Psh…make me a sandwich."

Harley climbed on top of Joker and pouted. "I wuv you."

"I wuv you too but I'm just as lazy as you are."

Harley looked up at the ceiling and then did a quick scan of the room. "Do you realize we really haven't left this room since New Year's Eve? We've barely eaten, barely showered, and we certainly haven't watched any TV."

"Who needs TV when we have good old fashioned exercise," he joked.

Harley's stomach grumbled and she made a face.

"Jesus Christ," Joker laughed.

"Sorry. I'm hungry."

He rolled his eyes and pushed her off of him. "Forget the sandwiches, we're doing Chinese."

"So, there's a rumor going around that we're moving in together," Selina said as she sipped her coke.

"Where did you hear that?" Bruce asked.

"First I read it in one of those gossip rags, and then the Tipster sent it round to everyone."

Bruce rolled his eyes.

"Have you gotten any further on the Tipster thing? I know you said you'd ask around."

"I still don't know how far their reach is. I know all the waitresses at the Iceberg get the updates, the rogues, and the couple doctors I talked to at Arkham but I haven't been able to ask anyone else. Maybe you should do a little digging."

Selina nodded and took a bite of her salad.

"It makes me feel fat when you just order a salad and I'm eating a cow," Bruce joked.

"Oh whatever."

"So what else did the Tipster have to say?"

"Nothing really. There's not much going on in our world. Everyone is lying low and Jonathan is still in Arkham, God only knows why."

"I see."

They were silent for a moment. Bruce eating his steak and Selina picking at her salad. She smiled a little, and then a little bigger, finally she broke out into giggles.

"What is so funny?" Bruce asked.

"Tim has a little crush on Harley."

"What?"

"He asked Alfred to ask me how Harley is doing and that night I took him to the Iceberg he was all up on her."

Bruce started to laugh too.

Joker walked out of the little Chinese restaurant around the corner from his place carrying two full bags of food. He didn't wan to have to leave again for awhile. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Thinking it was Harley, he juggled his bags into one and hand fished around his pocket until he found his phone. He pulled it out, flipped it open, expecting to find another food request, but instead was greeted with a picture of himself walking down the street carrying two bags of Chinese food. He quickly whipped around and looked for a familiar face, but no one in the crowd looked like anyone he knew. He did notice a brunette woman in a brown trench coat pushing her way quickly through a group of people in the opposite direction of him. Little did Joker know, he was the first person to catch a glimpse of the Tipster.

Selina flipped her phone open and read, "He Lives! The Joker is alive and well and walking down Lexington carrying Chinese food. And judging by the amount of food he has, Harley is alive and well too. Three guesses what they've been up to." She turned the phone so Bruce could see the picture.

He had to laugh. Seeing the Joker walk down a busy street carrying Chinese takeout in his baggy sweats made him look ridiculous. Yet human.

"Do you want to check it or do you want me to?" Harvey asked gesturing toward the phone.

Ivy grabbed it. "It's Joker walking down Lexington with food. I guess he's alive."

"Good."

"Do you want to do something today? Maybe we could go to the zoo or a museum or something," Ivy offered not wanting to spend another day at home doing nothing but talking.

"We're going out Saturday."

"It's Wednesday. There's plenty of days left in the week to stay home and do nothing."

"I like being at home and doing nothing with you."

Ivy got up from the table and started for the bathroom. "Well I'm bored with home. I'm going to the park."

"Lonely Ivy at the park. Lately she's been inseparable from Harvey and now she's at the park alone! Could it be trouble in paradise? And what's this? Harley Quinn on the cover of Gotham Star! Since when is she a celebrity? Oh yeah, since she became Bruce Wayne's mystery blonde. She may have been a quick fling but the gossip press just love her! Is that why she's been laying low? And our little Alice is becoming quite the celebrity. Her band has just signed with a record company. Roadrunner to be exact. Good for her. But what about Jervis? Can they make it through the trials and tribulations of celeb life? Can't wait to find out!"

"Your record deal just hit Tipster Afternoon Update," Holly chirped through the phone.

"Rawr. That chick needs a hobby," Alice replied.

"She has one, dishing on all of us."

"So how's life on your side of town. I heard you and Dick had a fight."

"A minor misunderstanding. Turns out his mystery red head was really Barbara and although I don't like him spending alone time with her, it's better than some random slut."

"Speaking of sluts, I talked to our sister today."

"How is Naomi a slut?" Holly asked popping a piece of popcorn in her mouth.

"Remember when I was 8, you were 10, and Naomi was 11 and I wanted that ballerina Barbie and mom finally broke down and bought it for me?"

"Sure," Holly said for the sake of the conversation.

"Okay, well a day later Naomi got mad because mom wouldn't buy her a new set of markers so she broke the head off it. Ergo, she's a slut."

"That was 13 years ago."

"Still."

"Right. Anyway, what did Naomi have to say?"

"Oh, yeah, so Bobby is going to Boca or wherever to see his rents for a week so she's going to hit Gotham to visit. She's bringing lil' Bobby with her."

"How long have those two been married?" Holly asked.

"Um…5 years about."

"You owe me 30 bucks then."

"They have to make it another month. It will officially be 5 years then."

"Are we bad sisters betting on our sister's marriage?"

"No. We're just bad people," Alice told her.

"And I'm okay with that."

"Are you and Holly doing good?" Tim asked leaning to the right as his red car turned on the TV screen, as if the car would turn better.

Dick's blue car went screaming past Tim's on the screen. "Yeah. She's a little miffed about the whole lunch with Barbara but I told her, we're just friends."

"Liar."

"She's with Chip or Pretzel, or whatever that hell that guy's name is."

"Green is a bad color on you dude," Tim joked.

"It's going to look good on you when I cross this finish line!"

Tim tossed the controller to the side. "Whatever. Have you been to the Iceberg lately?"

"I was there the other night."

"Have you seen Harley?"

"No one has. Her and Joker are off the map. Why?"

"Just wondering."

"Look little Bro, she's bad news. Don't get attached."

"What are you talking about?" Tim asked in fake confusion.

"I know you have this little crush but remember the Harley Quinn that tried to throw you off a roof, not the Harley Quinn that ruffed up your hair and kissed your cheek."

"She didn't try to throw me off a roof, she tried to throw Robin off the roof."

"Now you sound like Bruce when he was first trying to ration out this whole Selina thing. Plus Harley is like way too old for you."

"I'm not into her!"

"Okay…Bruce."


	2. America's Suitehearts

America's Suitehearts

Author's Note: There's this song by The All-American Rejects called Another Heart Calls, I'm obsessed. I can't stop listening to it. Thought you all should know.

Bruce fumbled with his neck tie for the millionth time. He wore a tie almost everyday and yet for some reason, this tie wasn't working with him. At first it was mildly irritating and now it was a personal vendetta. "Damn it!" he cried in frustration.

"You should go Batman on its ass," Dick joked from the doorway. He'd been secretly watching the whole escapade since he first heard the annoyed grunts from down the hallway.

"Of all the nights, why tonight?" Bruce grumbled.

"Because it's Valentine's Day and you are already late," Dick answered.

"Speaking of which, aren't you late picking up Holly?"

"We're not going out. One of the girls called off this morning so she got nailed to tend bar."

Bruce went for round one million and three, failed, and sat down on the bed exasperated.

"Anyway, we're doing tomorrow and I'm going to surprise her at the Iceberg tonight," Dick went on. "Why don't you just wear a different tie?"

"Because, now it's personal!"

"Right."

Bruce's phone started to go off on his bedside table. He grimaced as he read the caller id. "Hi hon."

"So you're officially an hour late picking me up. What came up?" Selina asked.

"I'm in a fight with my neck tie."

"Get your butt in the car and let me deal with your tie," she ordered.

"Fine."

"You have 20 minutes. If you're even one minute late, it'll be the end of you." She hung up the phone.

Bruce jumped up off the bed, grabbed his shoes that Alfred had laid out and ran for the door.

"Do we have to go to the Iceberg?" Harvey whined as he slipped on his shoes.

"We haven't gone out at all this week and now you want to scrap our Valentine's Day plans?" Ivy asked in disbelief.

"Everyone is going to be there and I just don't feel like being around all those people."

"You mean our friends?"

Harvey got up from the couch and stood by the door. "Can we at least be home early?"

"Whatever." Ivy grabbed her clutch off the coffee table and walked out the door.

"We're running late," Joker said as he and Harley rushed down the sidewalk in search of a party dress.

Harley trailed slightly behind him. "This wouldn't be happening if you hadn't ripped MY dress," she replied.

"Can't help it, you looked so amazing in it I wanted it off." Joker stopped and kissed her real quick

Harley broke the kiss and pointed at a shop window. "That's pretty!" she squealed sprinting inside the store.

Joker whirled around and followed her, trying to hide his face all the while.

She ran up to the woman stocking the clothes on a rack. "Can you get that dress out of the window for me please?"

The woman quickly pulled the pink sequin dress out of the window and handed it to Harley. "Would you like to try it on?"

She quickly checked the tag. "Nope. This will do."

Joker walked out the front door and hailed a cab while Harley slid the woman her fake charge card.

The sales woman started to bag the dress but Harley snatched it from her and ran out the door after Joker. They both slid into a cab and immediately, Harley began to change.

Alice sat at the group's usual table with Jervis. So far, they were the only ones there, except for her sister who was trapped behind the bar with a look that clearly said, don't start with me. Alice twirled her hair around her finger, smiled at Jervis, and then drummed her fingers on the table.

"Are we really that early?" Jervis asked.

"No. Actually we got here a half hour late and now everyone else is an hour late," Alice replied.

Holly whistled from the bar and threw her cell phone to Alice when she turned around.

She eyed it curiously and flipped it open. "One new message." Alice opened the message menu and read the first text. "The party has started but all our A-List Rogues are out on the streets. Bruce and Selina are stuck in traffic, Harvey and Ivy are out on the street in front of their place having a tiff (actually Ivy is having a tiff, Harvey is hailing a cab), and last but not least our reunited royal couple. Seems Miss Quinn had a wardrobe malfunction and they had to make a pit stop. Who's going to be there first?" Alice sat the phone on the table and smiled.

"Guess that answers my next question," Jervis joked.

"But there's no word on Eddie."

"Maybe he and Scarlet are laying low."

Alice grabbed Holly's phone off the table, scrolled through the contacts, and called Eddie. No surprise, he didn't pick up. She rolled her eyes, dug through her purse to find her phone, and then tried him.

"Hello?" Eddie said tentatively.

"Yo home skillet," Alice replied.

There was a sigh of relief. "What's going on?"

"Me and Jervis are sitting at the Iceberg waiting for everyone and we were wondering if you were hitting the joint tonight or not."

Eddie had to stop, repeat her sentence in his head, and then try to answer. "Scarlet and I are staying close to home tonight. Apparently she's making me dinner."

"Super romantic. Well have loads of fun and don't' do anything I would. Alice out."

Eddie stared at the phone, looked over at Scarlet, who shrugged, and then sat it down on the table. "I swear, she speaks a different language."

"Eddie and Scarlet are staying home for dinner and a little bedroom dessert."

"And that was more than I needed to know," Selina said as she and Bruce approached the table. "Looks like we win the race."

"Congrats. Your prize in the joy of our company," Jervis laughed.

"We should run now," Bruce replied.

Selina elbowed him in the ribs and took a seat.

"So did you get the update on everyone's position?" Alice asked.

"Yeah. But Harley called me after Joker ripped her dress, and Ivy called me before the big street fight to tell me she wasn't going, then she was, the she wasn't, and then that she was going after she dumped Harvey's body in the river. So I really wasn't too shocked."

"Should we all keep our phones out so when the murder update comes in we can scrape together some bail money?" Alice asked.

"Screw that. You kill someone, you break out of Arkham on your own just like the rest of us," Selina told her.

"Like you go to Arkham," Jervis scoffed.

"I'm so awesome I don't get caught."

"More like you rock Batman's world and then run off."

Selina glared at him.

Bruce tried to count the ceiling tiles but there were none so instead he counted the sequins on Alice's dress.

"Holy crap. He's alive," Alice squealed when she saw Ivy walking toward the table with Harvey trailing behind her.

"Good to see you both," Selina said pulling out a chair for Ivy.

"Uh huh," Ivy mumbled.

Harvey grabbed a waitress, "Can I get a beer and can we keep em coming?"

"The fighting is that bad huh?" Selina whispered.

"Fighting? What fighting? It's just me yelling and him tuning me out," Ivy replied.

Selina patted Ivy's hand and gave her a sad smile.

"Hey kids," Joker said as he puffed out a cloud of smoke from his clove cigarette.

Harley sauntered over close behind with a margarita in her hand. "Did we miss anything good?"

"Oh my GOD! We're twinkies!" Alice squealed as she jumped up and hugged Harley.

Harley's face dropped for a second. But then a sly smirk crept across her lips.

"Uh oh," Ivy whispered.

"What?" Selina asked.

"Just watch."

Harley pulled away and looked Alice up and down. "Really? This is the same dress? I guess it just looks different all stretched out over your ass." Harley took her usual seat and smiled at the rest of the table.

Alice's eyes went wide and she stumbled back to her chair.

"Wow," Selina laughed.

"I've seen Harley tear girls down in a sentence," Ivy replied.

Harley gave Joker a quick kiss on the lips and then took a drink of her margarita.

"So what have you two been up to? We were starting to wonder if you were alive or not," Harvey asked.

"We've been lying low at home," Joker replied.

Oswald stopped at their table and placed a hand on Bruce's and Selina's shoulders. "How are we all doing tonight?" he asked.

"Just dandy," Selina hissed. She hated it when he touched her.

"It's nice to see you out and about Joker," Oswald continued.

Joker just smiled and blew a smoke ring in Oswald's face.

Joker and Oswald were an odd thing. They either got along or they were at war. Tonight was a night of peace, which made Harley wonder what Joker had up his sleeve.

"I got your message. When would you like to meet?" Oswald asked.

"How's now?"

Harley glared at him.

"Because it's terrible for me. Tomorrow is better," Joker said quickly.

"See you around 8 then." Oswald walked away to chase bigger and better people.

"What's going on?" Harley questioned.

"Nothing," Joker replied.

Harley quirked an eyebrow but thought it best to let it end there…for now.

Two hours later, the party moved from the table to the bar so they could keep Holly and Dick company.

"So what's your sister like?" Dick asked.

"A hot mess," Alice answered.

Everyone looked at her, unsure as to what a hot mess was.

"Meaning, she's totally hot but her life is messed up," Alice explained.

"Oh," the group said.

"Anyway," Holly went on, "she's coming for a week and she's bringing her baby so I'm excited."

"We haven't seen her since she got knocked up and hitched," Alice added.

"How is she going to feel about your strange circle of friends?" Ivy asked.

"Well since she's the jailbird, I'm sure she won't say much," Holly joked.

"When she was a teenager, she got thrown in the slammer for starting a bar fight," Alice explained.

"Wow," Selina sighed.

"Beloved!" cried a female from the doorway.

Bruce instinctively clenched up and froze.

Selena, noticing Bruce's change, went into her defensive stance.

The brunette woman ran up and threw her arms around Bruce's neck.

Bruce patted her back and mouthed sorry to Selina. "Talia," he said trying to break himself free.

"It has been so long! I wouldn't have known you were here if it wasn't for the handy updates I get from the Tipster," she told him.

"So the Tipster reaches all the way to the League of Shadows," Joker whispered to Harvey.

The whole group was tense. No one was ever happy when an Al Ghul was around. Especially an Al Ghul after Catwoman's boyfriend.

"Hi, I'm Selina, Bruce's girlfriend. I believe we've met before," Selina cut in, pulling Talia off Bruce.

"It is…well, you know," Talia said faking a smile.

"Right."

Harley took a step back pulling Joker with her. She was ready to make a run for it if need be.

"It is so nice to see you again Bruce, especially on Valentine's Day. It's sad you don't have anyone SPECIAL to spend it with," Talia cooed running her finger up and down Bruce's chest, making him very uncomfortable.

"Listen bitch…" Selina began.

But before she could finish, a pale, slender finger, tapped Talia on the shoulder. She turned around, and Ivy's fist slammed into Talia's face.

"Drink, now," Harvey called to Holly.

"That was the worst mistake of your life," Talia yelled holding her nose to keep the blood from gushing all over her shirt.

"And you've got five seconds to get the hell out of my bar before I really kick your ass," Ivy replied.

Talia looked to Bruce for help but he was too busy sharing a drink with Harvey. She stormed out of the Iceberg, pushing people out her way as she went.

"Wow, it went Rogue wide already," Harley laughed showing her cell phone to everyone. There it was, Ivy's fist frozen in Talia's face.

"You're going to be in so much trouble," Joker snickered.

"Why's that?" Alice asked.

"Talia didn't run out of here because she was afraid of an ass beating, she ran off to tell her daddy which means the Demon's Head will be in town soon," Ivy explained.

"So why did you do it then?"

"It was fun."


	3. Dirty Business

Dirty Business

**Author's Note**: I know it has taken forever to get these three chapters up but it's not for a lack of trying. I've had to overcome writer's block, broken toes, stupidity with computers, trying to remember the first three chapters after I deleted them all, and losing my flash drive (turns out it was in my body bag which I call a purse).

"This bed is killing my spine," Harley whined. She had her face buried in Joker's arm pit, trying to shield her eyes from the morning sun.

"I'll look into a new one," Joker yawned.

"We should look into some curtains too," she added.

Joker pulled her out of his arm and gave her a look that said, "what the hell?"

"Living in Ivy's apartment has spoiled me," she laughed.

"Apparently."

"I'll settle for the bed."

"How about a bed, curtains, floors, windows, the works?" he asked.

"Whatcha talkin' bout Joker?"

"No Willis?"

"Homie don't play that," Harley answered.

"Homie? Whatever." Joker shook his head.

"Anyway, what is all this works stuff?"

"I was thinking about a new place," he told her.

"What fun house are we invading this time?"

"No fun house."

"Alright, carnival?"

"Nope."

"Circus? Toy store? Card company?" Harley was sitting on top of him now, leaning on her arms which were resting on his chest.

"No. Nope. Not. I was thinking of an apartment down town," he replied.

"Apartment? Down town?!" she squealed.

"Yeah. I think it's time we joined the real world. In living arrangements only, of course."

Harley sat up and smiled wide. "When do we start looking?"

"I've circled some things in the Sunday paper."

She jumped up and ran for the kitchen area to get the paper. She flipped it open to the real estate pages and looked at all the circled apartments.

Joker stood in the doorway and watched her.

"Can we view some of them today?"

"We could probably do them all today if we get ready."

"Is this why you're meeting with Ozzie?" she asked.

Joker poured himself a glass of orange juice. "Yeah."

"How can we afford this?"

"That's where Ozzie comes in."

Now it was Harley's turn to give him the "what the hell" look.

"Don't worry about the details. Just find an apartment."

Harley and Joker stood in an elevator with their agent, a slick 40 year old man who was desperate to be 30 again. They hated him, but he was Oswald's man.

"Lucky 22," Harley sighed.

"22 already?" Joker asked.

"No, you tell Johnny that it's not an option," the agent growled into the phone.

The elevator doors opened on the 12th floor and Joker and Harley stepped out. The agent was still standing there on the phone as the doors closed.

A second later the doors opened again and he stepped off. "Sorry about that. It's my other business.

Joker fingered the gun in his inner jacket pocket but Harley nudged him before he could pull it.

They all stepped into the apartment, which was at the end of the hall.

Joker and Harley walked around the place, hand in hand.

She chewed her lip, not wanting to upset Joker with how much she hated it.

Luckily, he hated it too.

"Is this an apartment or a coffin?" he yelled.

"It's pretty standard," the agent replied.

"Standard my ass."

"I have something bigger available on the top floor," a man called from the door.

"Who are you?" Joker asked.

"I'm the owner of this building."

"Let's take a look at this bigger place."

They all crowded into the elevator and the owner hit the top button which read PH.

"Now, it might be a little out of your price range," the owner said.

"Money is not a problem," Joker replied.

The doors opened after a couple of seconds. The owner stepped off first followed by Harley, Joker, and their agent.

"This is the only apartment on the floor so you'll be all by yourself up here."

"That would be nice," Harley cooed in Joker's ear.

The owner opened the door and they all wandered in.

"Holy crap!" Harley cried running over to the giant glass doors that led to the terrace.

"That's a roof top terrace. You could turn it into a garden or a patio if you'd like," the owner told her. "The bedrooms are down that way, the master is the last one, the bathroom is the third door on the left and the master has its own bathroom with a Jacuzzi tub."

Harley pulled Joker aside. "I know you said don't worry about it and money isn't a problem but we can't possibly be able to afford this."

"Trust me, it won't be a problem," Joker assured her. "We'll take it."

"Great! I have the paperwork right here," the owner said pulling the folded papers out of his jacket pocket.

"Great." Joker walked over to the kitchen counter and waited for the owner to sign the paper.

"If you could just sign here," he said pointing to an x.

Joker smiled, pulled out his gun, and shot the owner square in the chest. "Thanks for all your help." He handed the papers over to the agent. "Take these over to Ozzie and tell him I'll be by around 8 as planned."

"Yes sir and it was a pleasure doing business with you." The agent ducked out the door before Joker decided to unload on him too.

"Welcome home Harley girl."

"A penthouse apartment?!" Selina and Ivy exclaimed in unison.

"Uh huh!" Harley squealed.

"Hey Holl, we're going to need more drinks down here," Selina said.

They were all sitting at the bar of the Iceberg enjoying a girl's night, even though Harley came with Joker and he was just 20 feet away in Oswald's office.

"How can you guys afford that?" Ivy asked.

Harley shrugged. "He told me not to worry about it so I'm not worrying about it."

"I'm guessing Mr. Cobblepot is worrying about it," Holly said as she sat the three cosmos down on the bar.

"You'd guess right," Harley told her.

"Doesn't it worry you that your boyfriend is making shady real estate deals in the backroom of a bar?" Holly asked.

"A little but probably not in the way you mean."

"How does it worry you then?" Selina asked.

"Joker doesn't do things like this. He's all about abandoned places and taking things. He doesn't buy, he doesn't deal, and he doesn't invest."

"What changes someone like that?" Holly wondered out loud.

"Love," Ivy answered plainly.

Harley giggled.

"Look at us. It's turned us all into people we're not. I'm sacrificing my happiness for someone else, Selina's actually letting someone in, Harley and Joker are growing up, and you've abandoned a two year crush for a decent guy with a real job. Love makes you into a crazy person," she explained.

"It hasn't changed my sister," Holly replied.

"It has in someway. Take a closer look."

Holly left the conversation to go pour a beer for a man at the end of the bar. While she was pouring, she thought about her sister. Had she changed? They'd barely spent any sister time together. She sat the beer on the counter and leaned against the wall. Hell, she'd barely talked to her sister since she moved to Gotham. She felt bad.

"What are you thinking about?" Joker asked as he watched Harley stare out the cab window on the way home.

"Us," she answered.

Joker didn't like that. "What about us?" He was ready to bail out of the cab if necessary.

"How we've changed."

"Is that good or bad?" His hand was on the door handle.

"It's good," she assured him as she laced her fingers through his.

Joker looked down at his hand. He used to hate it when she did this. He used to hate it when she showed him any affection. Or so he thought. Truthfully, he'd always enjoyed having her there. After his accident, he was sure love was out of the question for him. Luckily, there was someone out there just as crazy as him, and even luckier, she lived in Gotham.

"What are you thinking about?" Harley asked, directing her attention to him now.

"Us."

"Is that good or bad?"

"Oh, it is so very good," he whispered.

Harley felt his breath waft over her face. She could smell the faint scent of the clove cigarette he had smoked in Oswald's office. She smiled.

"What?"

"I love you," she told him.

"I love you."


	4. When I Grow Up

When I Grow Up

**Author's Note**: Behold…chapter 4 in all it's glory. Sarcasm, you gotta love it.

Harley, Selina, and Ivy all stood out on the curb and watched the movers bring in all the furniture Joker had mysteriously acquired. Every once in awhile, Harley would walk over to the truck and remind the movers not to break anything and give an annoyed grunt when they'd roll their eyes at her.

"So, you didn't ask Joker where he got any of this?" Ivy asked.

"I asked, he said don't worry about it, and I said fine. To tell you the truth, the less I know the better off I'll be," she explained.

"That's usually how I deal with Joker," Selina joked.

Harley shook her head.

"So, when are you having a house warming party?" Selina inquired.

"Good question," Ivy added.

"The day after never." Harley giggled and gave them a smile. "I don't know. I'm still wondering how much redecorating I'll have to do when I get upstairs."

"Not that Harvey and I would show up anyway," Ivy huffed.

"Hon, if you're not happy you need to talk to him about it," Selina told her.

"Have you ever tried to talk to a man about anything? Even though Harvey is more sensitive than most men, he is still a man and when the conversation turns on him he shuts down and runs for cover or turns on the TV," Ivy rambled.

"I don't give Bruce the chance to shut down or turn on a TV. He knows better."

"Lately J has been more emotional than me. I'm the one shutting down. I love him but if he keeps talking about how much he loves me I may smother him with a pillow."

Ivy and Selina gave her the look.

"After years of bitching and moaning about wanting him to be more involved in your relationship you have the gull to complain?" Selina hissed.

"You're happy and you don't get to complain anymore. You've joined the Stepford colony and you can just piss off," Ivy added.

Harley's eyes went wide and she stuffed her tootsie pop into her mouth.

Joker stepped outside and smiled at the girls. "Is that the last of it?" he called to the movers.

"Yeah," the biggest guy replied as he brought up the rear on a dresser.

"Great. I'm happy the moving nightmare is almost complete," he groaned.

"How does it look up there?" Harley asked him.

"I got everything put in its spot."

Harley looked at Ivy, who gave the look to Selina, who patted Joker on the shoulder and said, "You poor delusional man."

Joker quirked an eyebrow. "I don't get it."

"And you never will Puddin'. And you never will."

"Hey sexy, when you comin' to bed?" Harley asked as she leaned up against the doorway to the spare bedroom they turned into an office, trying to look sexy in her light pink nightgown with the red stars.

Joker was glued to his computer screen playing some game on . He hadn't looked away from the screen since the internet got hooked up earlier that afternoon. "In a minute," he mumbled.

"I'm tired," she whined.

"So go to bed baby doll," he told her.

"I wanna go to bed with you the first night in our new place."

"Then give me a minute."

Harley sauntered over to the computer, playing with bow on the front of her nightgown. She wrapped her arms around his neck and ran her fingers through his hair.

Joker's usual smile grew bigger as he felt Harley's breath on his neck and when she nibbled on his ear he jumped up from the computer and carried her into the bedroom.

Harley bounced down the hallway to the kitchen to get a glass of water for her and Joker. After christening the new bed, bedroom floor, and bathroom, she was dying for a break and her heart's desire was in the mood for more. Harley had quickly excused herself for a drink and now she stood in the kitchen gasping for air and choking down her water.

She looked over at the glowing computer and shook her head. "It's a good thing we don't have to pay for an electric bill cuz with the way he wastes power we'd be way broke." She shook the mouse to get the screen saver off then she clicked off the internet but before she hit shutdown, she noticed an itunes icon.

"Hmmmm…" Harley double clicked the icon.

Joker laid back on the bed with his feet propped up on one of the hundred decorative pillows Harley had bought. If he lived to be a million, he would never understand why women loved decorative pillows so much. You can't sleep on em, you have to take them off the bed every time you get in, and they were just ridiculous. As Joker ranted and raved in his head about the decorative pillows, he started to hum.

Now, Joker wasn't a hummer. He'd sing outlandishly or obnoxiously to irritate people but he certainly wasn't a hummer. Yet he was humming a melody that he could hear faintly. It was familiar and yet he couldn't place it. Then he realized the music was coming from his apartment.

He jumped up from the bed and walked quickly down the hallway until he was standing in front of his office. Joker propped himself up against the door frame on his elbow and watched Harley, who was bouncing around to the music.

She stopped when she noticed him watching her and smiled sheepishly.

"I see you found my music."

"I like your playlist," she replied.

"My Harley playlist?" he asked stepping into the room.

Harley hit the pause button on the computer and said, "Yeah".

Joker stepped in between her and the computer and clicked on a different song. "This is my favorite song on the playlist."

She nodded her head to the beat and then finally went into an all out dance when the music really started to play.

Joker gave a little wiggle and then Harley pulled him into her dance and the two spent the rest of the night bouncing around to the music.

"You two spent the night dancing?" Selina asked in disbelief the next night at The Iceberg.

Harley nodded as she sucked down her cocktail.

"I find that hard to believe," Ivy replied.

Harley didn't say anything, she just sipped her drink and looked off toward the other end of the bar.

"Brat," Selina mumbled.

"Alright, since she's not talking, we need to move on to a new topic," Ivy announced.

"Fair enough."

"Have you heard anything from the princess?" Harley asked sarcastically.

"Talia? No. I doubt I'll ever hear anything from her again. She's too chicken," Ivy explained.

"I don't know, Ra's Al Ghul is not the type to take such rudeness quietly," Selina told her.

"I think he would have made a move by now," Harley replied.

"He might be waiting for the opportune moment."

Ivy shook her head. "I don't care when he strikes and I don't care if it's him or little miss wish I was Paris Hilton, I'm not afraid of either of them and I'll lose a Prada boot in both their asses."

Selina looked down at Ivy's boots. "Way to slip in you went shopping," she joked.

"That's all I do. Shop, come here, and watch mindless TV with my 'husband'," she explained making air quotes around the word husband. "I would actually welcome a fight with the Demon's Head. At least it would be something different."

"Speaking of the boring one, where is he?" Harley asked.

"At home. He thinks I'm down at the Korean getting snacks. I just needed a break you know?"

"Yes," Harley replied.

"No," Selina laughed.

Harley and Ivy eyed her.

"No sarcasm from you tonight," Ivy warned her.

"Sorry. What time is it? Bruce was supposed to be here at 6," Selina rambled.

"It's 7:15," Ivy told her.

"That ass."

Harley did a quick scan of the club to see if she could spot Joker. "Have either of you seen my man?"

Ivy looked around too. "No."

"Nu uh," Selina grunted.

Harley looked down at Holly who was staring daggers at Eddie and Scarlet who were sitting at table not too far from the bar. "I don't want to disturb Holly's death stare so I'll just text him."

She pulled out her phone and wrote, "where are you Puddin'?"

"You're purse is buzzing," Selina pointed out.

Harley dug through her bag until she found Joker's phone down at the bottom. "I'm happy he has a cell phone."

Before Selina could try calling Bruce, he and Joker stumbled out of the backroom, arms around each other's shoulders, slightly intoxicated.

"Mystery solved," Ivy joked.

They walked over to the bar where Bruce leaned onto Selina and Joker rested his head against the bar. Both were in a fit of uncontrollable giggles.

"What is so funny and when did you get here? You were supposed to meet me at 6!" Selina hissed.

Joker looked at Bruce who looked back at him. "What was so funny?" Joker asked.

"No clue!" Bruce cried.

"This is all your fault," Selina said pointing a finger at Harley.

"How is this my fault?"

"You dumped Joker causing him to get all mopey so I helped him and he somehow got attached to Bruce."

"I see your point," Harley conceded.

"I'm sorry sweetie. I got here at 6 but Joker Poker got me before I could say hi to you," Bruce explained.

"Joker Poker?" Selina asked.

"Hey! That rhymes!" Joker squealed.

"Good morning star shine," Selina cried loudly as she ripped open the curtains in Bruce's bedroom.

"Oh dear god my head," Bruce groaned trying to shield his eyes from the bright light.

"You know, you never drank before you started hanging out with the Joker."

"It always starts with one and somehow I end up sloshed."

"Yeah, it's because he gives you that second one. You're such a light weight," she huffed.

"Alright, I know you're punishing me for missing our date but this feels a little easy and I'm almost scared to ask why."

"Oh, this isn't punishment darling. You already arranged your own punishment for tonight," Selina told him.

"What are you talking about?"

"You, me, Harley, and your best friend Joker are all going on a double date," she explained.

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Here's the best part, we're all going to Putt Putt."

Bruce rolled over and growled into his pillow.

Selina stood next to the bed, arms folded, with a smug smile on her face.

He rolled over again and looked up at her, "Okay, here's what you need to do. Alfred keeps a loaded rifle in the kitchen, go get it and fire a round off into my skull. If I die, great, mission accomplished. If I live well, we'll have a reasonable excuse not to go."

"You poor delusional man. You got yourself into this mess and now you have to go through with it. Personally, I'm looking forward to tonight. It should be hilarious." Selina started to walk out of the room. "Be at Ivy's place at 5 sharp." She gave him a sinister smile and left.

Harley and Joker sat on Ivy's couch with Selina waiting for Bruce. Joker was contemplating jumping out the window and the girls were chattering away about the latest Tipster update. Apparently, Oswald got a little tipsy the previous night as well and did a little drunk dialing. He had confessed his undying love, but not to Scarlet. He made a mistake when dialing and he told his deepest feelings to Eddie, who had no intention of relaying the message to Scarlet. But he made the mistake of telling Jervis at lunch and the Tipster overheard.

There was a sad knocking on the door and Selina knew it was Bruce. She opened the door and there he stood.

"Please," he mouthed silently.

"Not a chance in hell," Selina replied. "Alright kids, lets kick it."

By hole 4, Bruce had already had enough of the other happy couple. Joker would not shut up about how amazing everything was and surprisingly, Harley was adding to the conversation. She seemed to be just as annoyed as Bruce. Or she was annoyed by her lack of putting skills.

Selina sank a hole in one and that snapped Harley. She swung way back and smacked the ball with all her might. The foursome watched the ball bounce off a light post, a small tree, another light post, the wooden border around the green, and then finally into the hole.

"How in the hell?" Bruce asked looking around again trying to do the math that would make that shot possible.

"That has Harley tied with me, Joker is in the lead and Bruce, you're bringing up the rear," Selina announced.

"What?!" Bruce cried.

"You're in last hon."

That was it. Bruce was tired of feeling like the inferior couple but he was not going to be the inferior golfer as well. He lined up his shot next and gave the ball the perfect tap. Well, perfect in the sense that it stopped 3 centimeters from the hole. "Damn it!"

"Yay Puddin'!" Harley squealed after the 18th hole.

"Yeah, woohoo," Bruce grumbled.

"I still love you honey," Selina joked.

The group started to walk past the arcade when Bruce noticed an air hockey table. Now that was something Bruce was really good at. He and Dick had played all the time when Dick was a kid.

"Hey Jack, are you up for a game?" Bruce asked pointing toward the table.

Joker smiled wider, "Sure buddy."

Selina rolled her eyes. "Here comes the pissing contest," she whispered to Harley.

They all walked over to the table. Joker and Bruce took their respective sides while Harley and Selina grabbed the chairs up against the wall.

An hour later they were still at it. Both men were covered in sweat and the puck had left the table a number of times but Bruce was not giving in even though he was 2 games behind. He was trying to prove something to someone. Selina had no clue what or to whom but she wasn't going to get in his way. Meanwhile, Joker was just playing to play. He had no idea that he had emasculated Bruce, all he knew was, he was having fun.

"Puddin', I'm tired," Harley groaned.

"We're not done yet," Joker snapped.

"Okay, this has gone on long enough," Selina interrupted.

"Then go home," Bruce told her.

Selina's jaw dropped. Did he really just snap at her?

Bruce smacked the puck with all his might at Joker who hit it with equal force, sending it off the table once again. But this time, instead of it landing on the floor behind them, it hit Bruce in the chest.

"That is enough!" Selina yelled. "You're both grown adults and you're acting like morons, not even children but full blown morons."

"Seriously," Harley added.

"What did I do?" Joker asked.

"You're being just as competitive as he is," Harley replied.

The boys stepped away from the table with their tails between their legs and walked to the car, not daring to look up at the girls.

As they stepped out the door, Harley smacked into a woman walking in with a man. "Sorry," she said quickly.

"Harley?" the man asked.

They all stopped and turned to see Jonathan walking into Putt Putt with a pretty young woman. She had shoulder length, wavy, chocolate colored hair and pretty big brown eyes.

"Hey Johnny!" Joker cried clapping Jonathan on the back.

"Joker," he replied shortly.

"Who's this?" Selina asked.

"This is, uh, Sage," he answered. "Sage this is Harley, Joker, Selina, and…and Bruce Wayne. Holy crap!"

"Nice to meet you all," she said cheerfully.

"You look familiar," Joker told her as he circled her a couple of times.

"Oh, that's because I'm…" Jonathan cut Sage off before she could finish.

"We should go. See you all later." He pulled her into the golf course.

"Well, well, well, what an odd night! Here's the stats for all you kids keeping score at home. Eddie and Scarlet, in the middle of a fight do to Eddie's lack of trust in her. Would Scarlet really ditch him for Ozzie? Probably not but wouldn't it be more interesting if she did? Joker and Harley, stronger than ever. Selina and Bruce seem to be doing fine but it's really only a matter of time before they have another rumbled. Harvey and Ivy are falling on hard times and things might just be getting harder. Spotted, a private plane landing late last night at Gotham City Airport. It wasn't Bruce's and my sources tell me Lex Luthor is kicking back in Metropolis so that only leaves one other private frequent flyer. Look out Gotham, the Demon's in town! Sweet dreams. Tipster out."


	5. Hey Pretty

Hey Pretty

Author's Note: Sorry this took so long (yet again) but I had to finish a short story that I've been working on. My due date was way past and so I had to bust my ass to finish, and start. I'll let you all know if something comes of it.

It had been 6 days since the Demon had landed in Gotham. The minute the underworld got the notice, Batman went on red alert and Selina hadn't seen him, so in turn she was giving Ivy the crappy treatment which Ivy hadn't noticed since she was dealing with her Harvey issues, and Harley noticed everything so she was playing peacekeeper along with playing matchmaker for Eddie and Holly who both seemed perfectly happy in their separate relationships, but it was all obviously a front. Such is the complicated world of the Rogues.

After the fourth fight of the day, Ivy went for a walk. It was late, probably about 10, she couldn't be sure since she didn't check the clock before she left and she didn't have her cell phone with her. The February air was cold but it felt good on her skin, which was red and hot from getting all worked up.

Ivy rounded a corner and entered the park. She caught a shadow in the corner of her eye and for a second she thought someone was following her. She turned around, scanned the streets, and although she wasn't completely satisfied that she wasn't being followed, she continued to walk. Lately, the feeling of being watched and followed was second nature to her.

Harley laid on Eddie's couch munching his Pringles and flipping the channels on his TV. Eddie walked into the living room and handed Harley the diet coke she had requested. Eddie wasn't one for soda but ever since he and Harley had gotten together, he made it a point to keep the fridge stocked.

"I love this show!" Harley squealed stopping on Bravo to watch the Real Housewives of Orange County.

Eddie grimaced. Scarlet liked a version of the same show, The Real Housewives of New York. And although he had never watched Orange County, he was sure he wouldn't like it any better than New York. "Is there any particular reason why you're here or is it just to annoy me?"

"Puddin' is working on something and I didn't want to bother him so I figured I'd visit some of my friends."

"Where's Selina?"

Harley rolled her eyes. "Bruce is working all week so she's all pissy. And Ivy is all rawr cuz Harvey is being all blah."

"And Alice…"

"Is a fat copy cat brat," Harley said plainly.

Eddie's eyes went wide and he had to smile. People always pegged Harley as the bright, happy, underworld princess, but she had a mean streak to be scared of.

"Anyway, I see the girls all the time but I've been neglecting you."

"I haven't felt neglected," Eddie replied.

"That's because you're neglecting me with your other friends."

He smiled wider.

"Where is the red haired seductress tonight?"

"Work."

"I should've guessed."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Harley sat up and hit the mute button on the remote. "Holly's off so that means Scarlet's on. Holly won't schedule herself with Scarlet anymore, haven't you noticed?"

Eddie thought about it. "No, I guess I haven't."

"Liar."

"Excuse me?"

"You have noticed. Scarlet's last three nights off you've been at the Iceberg, not with Scarlet. You're avoiding her."

He got up from his reclining chair and went into the kitchen.

"You can't do this to her. If you want it to be over then end it."

Eddie slammed a cupboard shut.

Harley got up from the couch, downed her coke, and slipped her shoes on. "Be a spoiled child but you know I'm right." She walked out the door.

Catwoman sauntered up and down the edge of the rooftop, eyeing the black figure on the roof across from her. It hadn't moved in awhile and hadn't noticed her at all. She pulled out her whip and tapped her leg with it, debating on whether or not she wanted to sit beside him.

Before she could make up her mind, Nightwing dropped down behind her and tapped her on the shoulder.

She whipped around and bit her tongue to keep from screaming.

"Hi mom," Nightwing laughed.

"Do NOT sneak up on me like that," she hissed. "And don't call me mom, it's creepy."

"Watching him again?"

Catwoman glared at him. "You saw me last night too huh?"

"It's sweet that you look out for him."

"It's a shame you have no one to look out for you," Catwoman said sympathetically.

"What? I have Barbara." As he said her name he automatically started to try to take it back.

"Wow. Taking lessons from your old man slugger?" she joked.

"That was the Freudian slip that I will never live down with you."

"Not a chance in hell. You're lucky she wasn't listening."

Nightwing's face fell.

Catwoman turned around to face him again and hid her snickers behind her hand.

"Who is all on the line?" Nightwing asked.

"Just me," Batman grunted.

Nightwing waved to the black blob across the roof.

Catwoman followed suit.

"This is the luckiest day ever," Nightwing sighed.

"Both of you, over here, now," Batman told them.

"We've been summoned."

Catwoman took off first, but Nightwing landed before her.

"Why are you here?" Batman asked.

"I'm guessing that was directed at me," Catwoman said. "I wanted to make sure you were alright. I miss you."

Batman grunted a reply.

"I feel the love," Nightwing joked.

"You, across town, now," Batman ordered.

"Going."

Catwoman waited until Nightwing was just a small spot on the roofs. "You're just a bowl full of cherries tonight."

"Ra's Al Ghul has been in town for a week now and no one has seen him or heard from him, it's weird and it worries me."

"Well…" she started, but thought it'd be better if she said nothing at all.

"Well what?"

"Nothing."

"I hate it when you do that."

"What?"

"When you won't say what you want. You used to knock me off my high horse all day long and now you bite your tongue. What are you scared of?"

"That my biting remark will be the last thing I say to you," she thought. "So where's Robin?" she asked changing the subject.

Batman stood up straight and stretched his back out. "Home studying."

Catwoman nodded. She closed the gap between them and rested her head on his shoulder.

"Are you going to purr too?" he joked.

"Did Batman just crack a joke?" Catwoman asked in mock shock.

"Quiet you."

Ivy sat on the edge of the fountain in the center of the park. She let her finger tips drag along the surface of the freezing water. She wished she had grabbed a heavier jacket. It was getting colder as the night progressed but she wasn't even close to being ready to go home.

She could hear footsteps behind her and they were getting closer. She could smell Old Spice and a little brandy and although she had never really been around Ra's Al Ghul, she knew it was him.

"You are alone," Ra's said stopping just a couple of feet from her.

"So are you," she replied not looking back at him.

"I am not the one who should be worried."

Ivy had had enough. She'd been thinking about her confrontation with the Demon since Talia's threat and she just wanted to kick his ass and get it over with.

"You insulted my family and…" he stopped and stared at Ivy who was now standing before him, arms crossed and hip cocked.

"And what hot stuff? You want to avenge your little brat then bring it on. I've been having a bad month and today is the icing on the cupcake. Nothing would relieve my stress more than a good ol fashioned ass kicking."

Ra's straightened himself. "If that is what you wish." He stripped off his long coat and stood before her.

"I can't believe you are going to fight me instead of making your daughter fight her own battles."

"You are fighting for Miss Kyle."

"That's different." Ivy moved toward him slowly.

"How so?"

"Because I said so."

Ra's went to reply but suddenly he was looking at the sky and his back hurt.

"Want a hand up?" she asked with a smirk.

Ra's got up on his own and brushed off his sleeves. "That wasn't fair."

"I was tired of talking." Ivy made a move to hit him but he blocked her by twisting her arm back.

She wiggled free and went for another low kick. It hit and once again Ra's was on his back. "I thought you gave Batman a run for his money?"

And so it went on for the better part of an hour until after the twentieth time Ra's landed on his back, he surrendered. Frankly, this whole thing was beneath him, in his opinion.

"You are pretty quick Miss Isley," he grunted rubbing the lower part of his spine.

"Thank you and its Ivy," she replied.

"You wouldn't happen to be looking for an extra activity would you? I have an opening for a talented assassin."

"Sorry, I'm not up for hire."

"Pity."

Selina sat on the edge of the balcony. She pulled back her cowl and rubbed her eyes. Ivy stepped out onto the balcony next to her and leaned on the railing.

"You have a stick in your hair," Selina told her.

Ivy ran her fingers through her hair until she found the stick and pulled it out. "Thanks."

"Rough night?"

"I ran into Ra's Al Ghul."

Selina now gave Ivy her full attention. "And?"

"I kicked his Demon ass."

Selina laughed.

"I don't think it's over though."

"Why's that?"

"Just a woman's intuition."


	6. In The Air Tonight

Author's Note: I love the Big Bang Theory. That show makes me feel better about myself, plus Sheldon is way hot. Yeah. I'm weird like that. I also think Spock is hot. Both original Spock and new Zachary Quinto Spock. That's my weird thought for the day. Enjoy it.

Harley knocked on Ivy's door in a weird little rhythm that sounded like a song she had just heard on the radio, but only to her of course.

Selina opened the door and Harley bounced a little and waved. "Somebody had their Mountain Dew this morning."

Harley stepped into the apartment. "No Dew, just coffee. Where's Red?"

"Her and Harvey are having a make up lunch date."

"Awww! It's nice that those two are working things out."

"How long do you think it will last?"

"A week tops," Harley replied. She plopped down on to the couch and heard an ugh from under her. She got up and looked at where her butt had been and saw feet. She looked at the other end of the couch where Tim's head was. "Hey kiddo. Sorry about squishing your feet with my butt."

"It's cool," he said and then sneezed.

"Ew. Sick huh?"

"He's got the flu. Threw up at school and they called Bruce but he's got meetings all day so he couldn't go get him and Alfred has a lot of errands to run so I get the pleasure of taking care of the disease factory."

"I feel so loved," Tim joked.

"As you should," Selina replied.

"That bug is going around like crazy! Puddin' has the sniffles but he won't admit it so I'm letting him be miserable by himself," Harley explained.

"You are the ultimate girlfriend, you know that?"

Harley stuck her tongue out at Selina and helped herself to a cup of coffee.

"Anyway, my plans for the day have been completely wrecked but it's not a big deal. I don't mind being at home."

"I'll keep you company. I have nothing going on for the day."

"Aw thanks," Selina laughed. "So did you hear about Ivy's big showdown with Ra's?"

"Yeah, I read the Tipster alert this morning."

"She doesn't think it's the last confrontation."

"I don't think it will be either. He's too proud to let it end there."

Tim got up off the couch, wrapped his blanket around him, and joined the girls in the kitchen. "Can I get more of that soup?"

Selina poured a bowl of soup from the pan on the stove.

"So here's something the Tipster doesn't know," Harley began.

"New gossip, I'm all ears."

"You'll never guess which of our girlfriends is late."

"Late for what?" Tim asked.

Selina and Harley stifled their giggles.

"Let's see, is it Scarlet?"

"Nope," Harley said.

"Holly?"

"No."

"Well it's not me and it's not Ivy." Selina sighed.

Harley looked down at her coffee. It was always a sad subject, babies and Ivy. No one really liked to bring it up.

"Well I give up," Selina said after a minute.

"Me."

"So what are you late for?" Tim asked.

"She means she might be pregnant," Selina explained.

"Oh." Tim put another spoon full of hot soup in his mouth and then promptly spat it across the table. "What?!"

"I'm thinking I'm just all off from the stress of moving and my vigorous exercise routine," she winked at Selina, "but Joker is already making plans to flee the country."

"So what are you going to do?"

"Give it a week, take a test, and if it's positive have a major meltdown where I walk into Walgreens with a 12 gauge and camo pants and go out in a blaze of glory."

"Good plan," Tim said.

Holly bounced her baby nephew on her knee. Naomi and lil' Bobby rolled into town yesterday and Holly and Alice were excited to catch up with their sister.

"So what else is new back home?" Holly asked passing Bobby off to Alice.

"Well, the Goldsteins have another grandchild so that makes the new count 14, and Mr. Dunst retired from teaching, and that's about it," Naomi replied.

"14 grandchildren? That Christmas is going to get expensive," Alice said.

"Their Jewish," Holly told her.

"Oh yeah. Well then one expensive Hanukkah."

"How's your hubby?" Holly asked.

"I wouldn't know. Bobby and I split two months ago. I didn't want to tell you over the phone."

"I'm sorry," Alice and Holly chimed together.

"Don't be. It wasn't working for awhile. And he gave me full custody of Bobby so I'm not too lonely."

"You should move here with us," Alice whined.

"Yeah, and what? Shack up with one of the rogues?" Naomi joked.

"Sure. Why not?"

Joker sat staring at Eddie at the Iceberg Lounge.

Eddie looked at Joker, then at the ceiling, back at Joker, and finally he flagged down Scarlet and ordered another drink. Since Harley had pointed out the obvious, he had made the extra effort to prove her wrong by never spending a minute away from Scarlet.

Joker sighed.

"Is there any reason why you're sitting here? I mean, usually you only sit with people when Harley forces you to or when you have something to say. Harley's not here so I assumed you wanted to say something," Eddie rambled.

"She's late."

"I'm sure she's just changing her outfit for the millionth time," he offered.

"She's late late," Joker grumbled.

"Like an hour?"

"Like a week."

Eddie cocked his eyebrow and after thinking it over for a second, he caught on. "Holy crap!"

"Thank you."

"What are you going to do man?"

"Cry. Cry like I've never cried before."

"And then?"

"I haven't planned that far ahead yet."

"Is there anything I can do?"

Joker slid his chair next to Eddie and plopped his head on Eddie's shoulder. "Hold me."

Spotted: Eddie and Joker sharing a moment after he unveiled the good news. Congratulations Harley Quinn!

Ivy burst through the apartment door with Harvey on her heels. "What the hell?!"

Harley hid behind Selina and whimpered.

"Don't panic. Nothing's for sure," Selina explained.

"Still!" Harvey growled.

"Why are you all cranky?" Tim asked.

Ivy and Harvey gave their attention to Tim. "Why is he here?" Ivy asked.

"He's sick and I'm taking care of him until Alfred gets done running around."

"So when are you going to take care of this baby business?" Harvey asked.

"Apparently soon," Harley cried.

"Shoot! My meeting got bumped up and I need to be in the Gotham office in 20 minutes. Can you guys watch Bobby?" Naomi asked jumping up from the couch and grabbing her purse.

"Sure. I'm off today," Holly replied.

"Thanks. I'll be back in a couple of hours," she called as she walked out the door.

"Ah to be young and have a real job," Alice laughed.

"That's my phone, can you hand it to me?"

Alice grabbed Holly's phone off the table. "It's a Tipster alert."

"Great." Holly read it quickly. "Harley's preggers."

Alice plopped down onto the couch. "Holy crap!"

"I think that's going to be the general consensus." Before Holly could set her phone down, it started to ring. "Shit. It's work. Hello. Uh huh. Huh? Yeah." She handed Bobby over to Alice. "He's all yours. Ra's Al Ghul just made dinner reservations and I'm needed."

Alice tried to protest but it was no use. Holly was dressed and out the door in seconds.

"I have to go," Harvey said gruffly.

"What's up?" Ivy asked.

"Joker has apparently started crying and Eddie is panicked. I'll be back soon."

Ivy waited until Harvey was in a cab and then she spilled. "Ra's Al Ghul sent me a candy bouquet."

For the second time that day, Tim spat soup across the table, this time hitting Selina.

"Thank you for that," Selina said sarcastically.

"A candy bouquet?" Harley asked.

"Yeah."

"How do you know it was him?" Selina asked.

Ivy reached into her pocket and pulled out the card.

"To Ivy: Thank you for an enjoyable evening," Selina read. "And then it has his phone number."

Harley snatched the card and read it for herself, and then Tim took it from her.

"What do I do?"

"Burn it," Selina told her.

"But share the candy," Harley added.

"Yeah, definitely share the candy."

Ivy gave them the look and then took the card from Tim.

"You can't call him. He obviously wants something besides an ass kicking," Selina said.

"Why is it that when a guy wants a girl to call him it has to be romantic?" Harley asked.

"It's the law of the world," Selina replied.

"She's right. Why can't women and men be friends?" Ivy added.

"If you call him I guarantee you, you will jump his bones and ruin your relationship with Harvey," Selina said.

"What does jump his bones mean?" Tim asked.

Selina bit her lip and tried to think.

"It means she'll do him," Harley answered.

Ivy and Selina's jaws dropped and they stared at her.

"What? He's like 14. He'll hear it sooner or later."

Ivy shook her head.

"So where is this candy bouquet?" Selina asked.

Ivy went into the spare bedroom and brought back the candy bouquet. "Enjoy."

"You should at least call him and let him know you got the candy," Harley offered.

"I still maintain you burn the card and if you should ever bump into him again you play dumb," Selina argued.

"I think someone should get the door," Tim interjected.

Selina got up from the table and opened the door.

There stood Alice, holding a baby out in front of her. "Help."

Selina grabbed the baby. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing now. His name is Bobby, he's my nephew, and I'll pick him up later. Toodles!" Alice said as she bolted down the hallway.

"Wait! Alice Spungeon get your ass back here!" Selina yelled.

But it was too late, she was long gone.

Selina slammed the door and stormed into the kitchen. "This is stupid!"

"Aw! He's cute!" Harley cried.

"You think so?"

"Of course!"

"He's all your's. His name is Bobby and he's Alice's nephew. Good luck!" Selina told her passing Bobby off.

Harley sat the baby on her knee. "Where's the diaper bag?"

"She didn't give me one."

"Great." Harley got up and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" Ivy asked.

"I can't keep a baby around sicky and now I have to go to the store to get baby things."

Joker dragged himself through the apartment door and plopped down onto the couch. He took a deep breath. He was being crazy, well, crazier than usual, and who knew if Harley really was pregnant? He sat up and smiled. Yeah! She could just be late.

Harley walked through the door and said, "Hey Puddin'."

Joker nearly fainted when he saw the baby in her arms. "Who the hell is that?"

"This is Bobby."

"How late were you?" he cried.

"What?" she asked giving him the 'oh my god you're crazy' look. "This is Alice and Holly's nephew. I'm babysitting goof ball."

"Oh. Why?"

"Because Alice pawned him off on Selina and she's already babysitting."

Joker nodded his head.

"Here. Hold him." She handed the baby off and sat down the grocery bags. "I went to the store and got diapers, wipes, bottles, formula, and some toys. Oh, and this." She sat the pregnancy test on the coffee table.

"Want to do it now?" he asked.

"I don't have to pee. I'm too nervous."

Joker bounced Bobby on his knee and grimaced.

"Oh, my phone." Harley flipped her phone open. "It's Ivy." She walked down the hallway into the bedroom to use the phone in private.

Joker flipped Bobby around so they could be face to face. "You and your kind are the cause of all my problems."

Bobby giggled.

"I know you find it funny. It's your evil plan."

Harley started to ask what he was doing, but thought it better just to leave it be. "Ivy needs me to come over and hold her hand while she calls…someone. I'll be back in an hour or so." She grabbed her coat and started to walk out the door.

"Wait!"

"What?"

"What about Bobby?" Joker asked.

"You have diapers, formula, and toys. I think you'll be fine." She closed the door on Joker who had never been so scared in all his life.

"Thank you both for coming," Joker said as he stepped out of the doorway to let Eddie and Harvey into the apartment.

"Well, you said it was an emergency," Harvey replied.

Joker gestured toward the couch where Bobby sat playing with his toes.

"What is it?" Eddie asked.

"A boy."

Harvey patted Joker on the shoulder. "How did this happen?"

"Alice dumped him off on Selina who passed him off to Harley."

"But what's the problem?" Eddie asked.

"That!" Joker yelled pointing to the baby. "He keeps doing that."

Harvey and Eddie stepped closer.

"Blowing bubbled?" Harvey questioned.

"Yeah! I can't get him to stop."

Harvey and Eddie shook their heads. It was going to be a long day.

"I can't believe you're calling him," Selina grunted.

"I have to. It feels weird just ignoring him," Ivy replied twirling her phone in her hand.

"Just make it short and sweet. Say hi, thanks for the candy, and see you around," Harley coached.

"Do I need to be here for this?" Bruce asked.

"No. You need to go over to Joker and Harley's to help Joker. He has a problem and Harvey and Eddie probably won't be of any help," Selina told him.

"What about me?" Tim asked.

"Go with but stay away from you know what," Harley said with a wink.

"I'm scared," Bruce admitted.

"The fear will keep you alive."

"What are you doing here?" Holly hissed dragging Alice over to the corner.

"Jervis and I are having dinner," Alice answered.

"Where's Bobby?"

"I gave him to Selina. I told Naomi to call me when she gets done with work. I'll go pick him up and she'll be none the wiser."

Holly rolled her eyes.

"Thank god you're here Bruce," Harvey said pulling him and Tim inside.

"What is going on?" Bruce asked.

"It pooped!" Joker yelled pointing at the couch.

Bruce looked over where Joker was pointing, and only saw Eddie. "You're on your own."

"Behind Eddie," Harvey corrected.

Eddie stepped aside to reveal Bobby.

"Who's baby?" Bruce asked.

"It's Holly's sisters," Eddie answered.

"Alice dumped the little squirt off on Selina who passed him onto Harley. Harley ran off with the girls and now we're stuck with him. It was all well and good until he pooped," Harvey explained.

"This territory is as foreign to me as it is to you," Bruce told them backing up toward the door.

"Don't leave us!" Joker cried dropping to his knees and clinging to Bruce's leg. "I don't know nothing bout taking care of no babies."

"I can't do this," Ivy said firmly.

"Sure you can," Selina comforted.

"No she can't," Harley jumped in taking the phone and number from Ivy. She dialed the number and waited.

"Ra's Al Ghul," Ra's said from the other end.

Harley pushed the phone into Ivy's trembling hands.

"Hello," she said timidly.

"Ivy?" Ra's asked.

"Yeah! Hi! Hello." She slapped her forehead.

"It's good to hear from you. I was just…"

Ivy cut him off. "I just wanted to thank you for the candy and I'll see you around."

"You're welcome. Are you busy tonight?"

She gave a panicked look to Selina and Harley.

"Um…no?" she shrugged and bit her lip.

"Let's have dinner together. Iceberg in an hour?"

"No! I can't."

"Oh, I see."

"How about La Dolce Vita instead?"

Selina and Harley's jaws dropped and they exchanged shocked looks.

"Sounds good. See you in an hour."

Ivy sat her phone on the table. "I messed up didn't I?"

"That was a nightmare," Harvey said removing the scarf from over his mouth.

Eddie, Joker, and Bruce nodded in agreement as they removed their "face masks" too.

Joker sat Bobby on the couch. "Now what?"

"Now nothing. He ate, he pooped, he should fall asleep," Eddie replied.

"See you later," Bruce said grabbing Tim and heading for the door.

"Call 911 if you need anything," Harvey said following Bruce with Eddie on his heels.

"But…" Joker protested.

They were already gone.

Harley walked into the apartment and found Joker sleeping on the couch with Bobby on his chest poking Joker's nose.

"Hey kiddo," Harley said picking Bobby up.

Joker's eyes snapped open. "What's going on?"

"You are officially relieved from your duties and I have to pee so we're going to find out if it's a permanent reprieve." She grabbed the pregnancy test off the coffee table and went into the bathroom.

Joker paced the hallway in front of the door.

Harley opened the door with a smile. "Negative."

"I want to have a baby."


	7. Living On A Prayer

Author's Note: I just made 22 flower hair things for me and a friend. My legs are numb from sitting on the floor and now I have another friend who wants like 30. Screw that. I'm done being Martha Stewart. From now on I buy my crap from the Wal-Mart like the rest of my hillbilly clan.

Harley and Joker were walking home from Holly's after they dropped off Bobby. Harley had a moment of relief when she learned she wasn't pregnant but Joker had shattered that moment when he told her he wanted a baby. They hadn't really talked the last hour since he said it.

"Cute kid," Joker said in a sigh.

"Uh huh," Harley agreed.

"Just think, we could have a little boy with light brown hair and your big blue eyes."

Harley forced a smile. This was not what she had had in mind. Sure, a year ago she would have jumped up and down for the chance to have a baby with Joker, but now she was content with just the two of them.

"Don't you think?" Joker asked.

Harley snapped her attention back to him. "What?"

"I was talking about converting the room next to the master bedroom into a nursery," Joker explained.

"Sure."

Joker stopped walking.

"What are you looking at Puddin'?"

"It's a tattoo shop."

"And?"

"Come on," Joker cried pulling her inside.

Ivy stepped off the subway and adjusted the scarf that was wrapped around her head to hide her hair. She also wore big 60's sunglasses to conceal her face. She wasn't going to let the Tipster catch her meeting Ra's Al Ghul for dinner. She quickly ran across the street and found a place in the middle of a crowd going her way. She felt pathetic.

This just in: Harley Quinn is not pregnant. Poor dear but you know what they say, half the fun is trying! Also in the news tonight, Ra's Al Ghul canceled his dinner plans at the Iceberg. Is the scary Demon afraid of getting his butt kicked by a girl…again?

Selina rolled her eyes. How did she find out these things?

"How did the Tipster get my phone number?" Bruce asked reading the text message.

"It is the great mystery of life," Selina joked.

"Can I get more juice?" Tim asked.

"Why isn't he at home getting some rest?"

"He doesn't want to go home yet," Bruce replied.

"Sorry to break your heart, but Harley isn't coming back tonight," Selina told Tim handing him his orange juice.

He glared at her.

"What are you talking about?" Bruce asked.

"Nothing!" Tim cried.

Ra's Al Ghul drummed his finger son the table. Ivy was 20 minutes late. Just as he was ready to give up and leave, she dropped down into the seat across from him.

"Sorry I'm late. The trains were running behind and I got off a couple stops early," she explained as she took off her head scarf and sunglasses.

"It is quite alright. I ordered us a bottle of their finest wine. I hope that is alright."

Ivy smiled. Harvey never ordered wine, especially not by the bottle. "That's fine."

"You look lovely," he said gesturing to her dress.

"Thank you." She nervously wrapped a piece of her hair around her finger.

Joker lay on the couch playing with the white bandage on his wrist. He was told to keep it on for the remainder of the night but it was driving him crazy.

"Quit playing with it," Harley ordered from the kitchen.

"It's bothering me," he said.

"Ignore it," she told him as she walked into the living room with a bowl of popcorn.

"I was thinking that tomorrow we'd go over to Babies R Us and look at cribs. We can start planning a theme for the baby's room."

Harley's face went blank. She couldn't process what he was saying. She heard the words, she knew what they meant, but she just couldn't get her mind around it.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine. Just tired I guess," she lied.

Ivy and Ra's were on the main course of their dinner and she was having a great time. She couldn't recall the last time she laughed so much in one night.

"I can't believe I was so nervous about meeting you for dinner. This is actually a very nice, relaxing night," Ivy told him.

"I'm happy you are enjoying yourself." Ra's reached across the table and grabbed Ivy's left hand. He ran his thumb over her ring and she pulled her hand back. "Married?" he asked.

"Not exactly. Harvey and I are just in a committed relationship," she explained.

"Harvey? As in Harvey Dent?" Ra's asked.

"Yes."

"Does he mind you having dinner with me?"

"What he doesn't know won't kill him," Ivy joked.

Selina opened one eye and grabbed her phone off her nightstand. She was enjoying a little nap, now that Bruce and Tim were gone but God seemed to have other plans for her. "Hello," she mumbled.

"I need to talk to you. Iceberg in 45 minutes," Harley said and then she hung up.

Selina rolled out of bed and started to get dressed.

Ivy grabbed her phone out of her purse and read her new text message.

"Iceberg, 45 minutes. 3 Harley"

She flipped it closed and put it in her purse. "I have to go."

Luckily, dinner had already ended and now they were just hailing her a cab.

"Is it an emergency?" Ra's asked.

"No, Harley just needs me."

A cab pulled up and Ra's opened the door for her. Before Ivy could get in, Ra's stopped her and kissed her. "I would like to see you tomorrow night. I have tickets to a magic show, what do you say?"

"What time?"

"It starts at 8 so let's say 6 so we can have dinner."

"I'll see you at 6."

Ivy, Selina, and Harley all ran into each other at the front door of the Iceberg. They walked in together and made their way to the corner table where they could be alone. They waved off the waitress and got down to business.

"I'm not pregnant," Harley said.

"A phone call would have sufficed," Selina joked.

Harley ignored her. "But Joker wants to have a baby now. We're going crib shopping tomorrow."

"What do you want?" Ivy asked.

"I want to not have to pop a watermelon out of my cooch."

"You are so elegant in the way you speak," Selina replied.

"I am freaking out!" Harley yelled.

"Just tell him you don't want a baby right now," Ivy told her.

"You don't understand."

"You're right we don't. You always talked about having a family with the Joker and now you don't want it. What's the deal?" Selina asked.

"I'm happy with him. I don't want to share him with anyone, especially a needy baby."

"Harley, what is that on your neck?"

Harley touched her neck and felt the medical tape. "Oh yeah." She pulled off the white patch and turned around so Ivy and Selina could see.

"You let him brand you!?" Ivy yelled.

There, on her neck, was Joker's name in black script writing.

"Not exactly. He got my name first and I felt bad so I did it too."

"I can't believe you," Selina muttered.

"I kissed Ra's Al Ghul," Ivy interjected.

"Wow," Selina and Harley said in unison.

"I think I'm in trouble," Ivy sighed.

"Why?" Selina asked.

"I really like him."


	8. Love Sex Magic

Love Sex Magic

Author's Note: Oh man, it's been awhile. I feel like I should explain myself. First off, I had to take a leave because I got a small writing gig which really turned out to be editing. Then I came back to this and after re-reading what I had I got intimidated so I decided to take another little break. Now I'm inspired, back, and ready for action.

* * *

Harley chewed her lip in front of the large wall of cribs. Joker claimed they were just looking but, it felt like it was set in stone. A baby death sentence, if you will. Joker and the sales girl were at the other end of the wall talking about the joys of diaper genies. Harley didn't even know what a diaper genie was. Harley's phone began to ring in her pocket, she pulled it out, saw Ivy's name on the caller ID, and answered it.

"Hello," she said sadly.

"You sound depressed girl," Ivy replied.

"I'm crib shopping."

"Want to go clothes shopping instead?"

"As long as they're not for babies or maternity."

"Meet me at the mall in a half hour then?"

"Definitely."

Harley stashed the phone back into her jeans and walked down to Joker. "Hey, Ivy just called. She needs me to go with her to do something."

Joker pouted.

"It's not like the baby's coming tomorrow." She forced a smile and kissed his nose. "Love you."

"Wuv you too," he replied.

Harley had to really force the smile now and the second she turned around she let it fall and stuck her tongue out.

* * *

"I still don't understand why you won't just tell him you don't want a baby," Selina sighed as she picked a black scoop neck shirt off the rack and handed it to Ivy.

"He's just so excited about having a baby and he hasn't planned any crap since we got back together. I'm afraid if I don't keep him on the baby train he'll get bored and we'll be in Arkham faster than you can say coocoo cachoo!" Harley explained. She grabbed a red strapless dress off her rack and handed it to Ivy.

"Why would I even say coocoo cachoo?" Selina asked.

"Ok, I'm not Goth so enough with all the black and my hair is red, so red clothes are out of the question," Ivy grumbled putting both options back on the racks.

"You just said coocoo cachoo," Harley pointed out.

"Only because you said it."

"Can we not talk about cryptic Beetles lyrics and get back to finding me something appropriate to wear tonight?" Ivy cried.

Selina handed Ivy a pink cocktail dress.

"What the hell is this? Am I Barbie?" Ivy asked.

Harley handed her the same dress in green.

"I quit." Ivy stalked out of the store leaving Harley and Selina.

"She asks for our help and then gets all testy when we give it to her," Selina sighed.

* * *

Eddie walked into his apartment and took his coat off. "It's actually raining outside. Not snow, not sleet, just rain. Cold ass rain to boot. Would that make it sleet? Is sleet freezing rain?" Eddie looked over at the couch where Scarlet was sitting, hunched over. "Feeling sick babe?"

She looked up. Her eyes were red as well as the rest of her face. She had been crying.

"What happened?" Eddie asked walking over to kneel in front of her.

"I did something horrible."

"I'm friends with the Joker, you really can't say that to me seriously," he joked.

"Last night, after you left while I was closing up," she started.

Eddie could feel what was coming in his gut but he didn't want it to be true. He was hoping she would say something, anything else.

"I was putting the bar drawer in Oswald's office. He was there, and we started talking. I don't even know what we talked about but I got upset, he was comforting me and…"

Eddie started to stand up.

"It all happened so fast. The next thing I knew we were…and I…" She started to sob again. "Oh god Eddie, I'm so sorry."

He walked out the door, grabbing his coat along the way. He had to think. He had to rationalize this before he did anything else.

* * *

Selina and Harley were sipping smoothies in the food court waiting for Ivy to find them and hopefully be in a better mood.

"He's going to want to start making a baby tonight. I can feel it," Harley sighed.

"What is your usual plan of attack when it comes to baby prevention?" Ivy asked as she walked up to the table and took a seat.

"Did you find something?" Selina asked.

Ivy pulled a silver-ish white strapless dress out of her bag. It had a large same colored flower at the top with vines winding down it.

"Pretty," Selina replied.

"Condoms," Harley answered.

"See, you need the pill. A guy's going to notice you suiting up his little soldier but he won't have clue one you're taking the pill," Ivy explained stuffing the dress back into the bag.

"That is actually the best idea ever," Selina said.

"Someone needs to explain it to me," Harley admitted.

"If you're on the pill you won't get pregnant but you can still 'try' for a baby which will keep him at home," Selina explained.

"Ivy, you're an evil genius," Harley told her.

"No. Really?"

* * *

Eddie walked the streets in the rain aimlessly. His feet were taking him somewhere, but his mind was shut off. He tried to rationalize, he tried to see things from her side, and he even tried to just forget it. He felt betrayed…again. He thought about the whole Harley drama. He had loved her, maybe not as much as he should have but he did enough to want to spend forever with her.

He turned the corner. Did he love Scarlet? He liked her, he enjoyed their time together, but he often found his thoughts drifting to Holly when they were together. Holly with her golden curly hair, easy smile, and kind eyes. Holly who had sat there listening to his problems night after night with a nice word and a pat on the back. Holly who kissed him at his wedding and then broke his heart by all but rejecting him when he called it off. Holly who was…who was standing at the corner ahead of him carrying a bag of groceries.

Eddie jogged up to catch her before she crossed the street. "Holly," he said, slightly out of breath as he grabbed her arm.

She turned to look at him and smiled a little. "Hey handsome."

"I love you," he said bluntly.

"I love you too?" she replied giving him a strange look.

"No, I really love you. I've loved you for as long as we've known each other. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you. We belong together."

The rain came down harder and Holly's smile faded. "So what?"

"So what? So plenty! I love you damn it!" he cried.

"And what am I supposed to do with that? Am I supposed to say that I've been in love with you too? That I'm going to kick Dick out and movie in with you? Start a life with you? Throw away everything I have for a chance with you?" She started to back away from him.

"It sounds good to me."

Holly laughed. "You're so stupid. Go home to your girlfriend. Tell her you love her. Marry her, I don't care. You lost any chance a long time ago."

"Wait, Holly!" he called but it was too late, she was already crossing the street.

* * *

"Aw, poor Eddie. Lays his heart on the line and gets rejected, hard, publically. I wonder what Scarlet will have to say to that? In other news, Selina was seen at the pharmacy. According to my sources she was stocking up on the pill. No pitter patter of little feet for Selina and Bruce? Sad, they would be some cute babies. Tonight, Zatanna will be in Gotham enchanting the masses at her show. I wonder who we'll see there?"

* * *

Selina walked into the apartment and threw the bag onto the kitchen table in front of Harley. "Here you are."

"Thank you," Harley chirped picking the bag up and stuffing it into her purse.

"Eventually you will have to fill your own prescription."

"Not until someone puts a muzzle on that loud mouth, text happy, nut job," Harley replied.

Selina rolled her eyes. "So, is our fashionista ready for her date yet?"

"It's not a date and I'm not going," Ivy replied stepping into the kitchen.

"Oh what the hell? Why not?"

"The Tipster implied they were going to be there. I don't want Harvey thinking there's something going on."

"There is something going on!" Selina cried. Ivy opened her mouth but Selina held her hand up. "Look, like it or not, this nothing is something. You like this fool and apparently he likes you. What you need to decide is if this nothing/something is better than the something/something you got going on with Harvey."

Ivy looked at the floor like a child who had just been scolded.

"My suggestion is, you go on this date and gage the situation. Decide if you want to throw in the Harvey towel and move on, if there is anything worth moving on to."

"Harley?" Ivy asked looking for a second opinion.

"I agree with Kittie," Harley squeaked.

Ivy turned around and marched to her room to get ready.

* * *

Eddie didn't want to go home and face Scarlet. The second he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, he knew it was going to be the beginning of the end. He wouldn't be able to say guff about her indiscretion because she would be able to throw that update in his face with an "I knew it all along". He stood in front of the door, took a deep breath, and walked in. Scarlet was still sitting on the couch. Her phone was in her lap and a fresh pool of tears was building up in her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she said in little more than a whisper.

"I know."

"I love you."

"I know that too." Eddie closed the door and slid down it until he hit the floor.

"Is this true?" she asked holding up the phone but not looking up.

"I didn't even read it."

"It says you told Holly you loved her and she rejected you."

"Yes."

Scarlet took a deep breath. "I love you."

"You said that already."

"I just thought I should repeat it."

Eddie said nothing.

"You don't love me do you?" she asked.

"I do, just…"

"Just not like her," she finished.

"What do we do?" Eddie asked.

"I don't want to give you up."

"Even though I just told you I loved someone else?" he laughed.

"She doesn't want you." It was cold, emotionless, and it stung Eddie right in the heart because it was also true.

* * *

Ivy crept down the dark alley next to the theatre and tiptoed in the side door. She wasn't going to let the Tipster blow her cover. She looked around backstage and tried to avoid all the crew who were bouncing about, preparing for the magic act. Ivy was almost home free when she bumped into Zatanna.

"Poison Ivy?" Zatanna asked in disbelief.

"Shhh!" she hissed stuffing the magician into her dressing room.

"What are you doing here?" Zatanna asked after Ivy closed the door.

"Seeing your show."

"I meant backstage."

"Trying to sneak into said show."

"Really? You can't buy a ticket?"

"My date did, I'm trying to avoid someone," Ivy explained.

"Oh, the Tipster?"

Ivy's mouth fell open and she just stared.

"I get the updates too. And so does Black Canary, Batgirl, Wonder Woman, Superman, Martian, Aquaman might but I'm not sure if he has a cell phone what with the water and all."

"What the hell?" Ivy exclaimed.

Zatanna shrugged. "So how is Harvey?"

"Good. At home."

"Who's your date then?"

"No one. An old friend. Acquaintance actually," she lied.

"I see." Zatanna didn't buy it and she didn't want to press her. Besides, the Tipster would find out eventually.

"Can you help me get to my seat?"

Zatanna smiled. "Sure."

* * *

Ra's Al Ghul had waited out front for Ivy for 15 minutes. She canceled their dinner plans and now he was worried she wasn't going to show up at all. Ra's sighed and went to his seat. He called her once more but there was no answer. He turned back to see if she was coming in the doors and when he turned back around there she was, in the seat to his left.

"Sorry I'm late," she said as if everything was normal.

"Where the hell did you come from?" he asked.

"Long story. I'll tell you later."

The lights dimmed and the show began but Ra's didn't pay it much attention. He was worried Ivy would vanish just as quickly as she appeared.

* * *

"So, I've been reading this book on conceiving," Joker said as Harley walked into the bedroom.

Harley looked at the book in his hands and sighed. "That's not a book, that's Cosmo magazine, and that article isn't about conceiving it's the 50 best sex positions."

Joker closed the magazine and looked at the cover. "You're right."

She rolled her eyes and crawled into the bed. "You know, it doesn't always happen right away. It could take a couple days, weeks, months, even years!"

"Fully aware of this. But there's these Chinese herbs…"

Harley rolled her eyes and flopped back onto her pillow. She didn't hear another word he said. She didn't care. She just wanted him to forget this baby nonsense. "How did this even happen?" she thought to herself. "Bobby. Alice and Holly's stupid cute baby nephew. Why couldn't he be like every other baby? A living nightmare." Harley rolled over to look at the wall. "He only had him for a couple hours. If he had a kid a whole day…" Harley shot up out of bed with a huge grin on her face.

"What?" Joker asked.

"Phone! I need a phone!" Harley jumped up out of bed and raced to her purse to find her phone. She quickly dialed Holly's number and waited.

"Hello?" Holly mumbled half asleep.

"Your sister, she still in town?" Harley asked.

"She lives here Harl," Holly sighed.

"No, not that one. The other one, with the baby."

"Yeah, she extended her stay. She goes home Monday. Why?"

"I need her baby."

Holly was wide awake and sitting up in bed now, scaring Dick and nearly knocking him out of bed. "What?"

"Just for a day. I'm gonna cure Puddin's baby desires once and for all."

* * *

After the magic show, Ra's had his limo pull up to the back door so Ivy could sneak out without being seen. She had reluctantly agreed to go get a drink with him at his hotel but the rule was, only one, and only long enough to explain her sudden appearance.

Ra's popped the cork out of the champagne and poured Ivy a glass. "Alright, Miss Zatanna, how did you do it?" he joked.

Ivy laughed and sipped her drink. "With the help of the real Zatanna. I snuck in backstage and bumped into her. She…um…popped me into my seat."

"Why all this sneaking around?"

"I don't want the Tipster to catch me. If she sends out an update that says I'm sneaking around with you Harvey will flip," she explained.

"Let him."

"What?"

Ra's smiled and sipped his own drink. "I like you Ivy. I don't like sharing you with another man."

"This is only date 2, and it's not really a date. It's a thing."

"A thing?"

"A nothing thing. Just two people who happen to be attracted to each other having dinner and drinks with a magic show thrown in."

"Sounds like dates to me."

Ivy sighed and polished off her glass. "I like you but I love Harvey. I can't just go home tell him I'm done and walk out. There's a lot of history there. We've been doing this dance for years and finally we're in sync."

"And yet you are having drinks with another man. Sometimes the thrill of the chase is more fun than the prize."

She got up and headed for the door. "I said one drink. I finished that drink. I told you my magic story and now I'm going home to my prize."

Ra's jumped up and grabbed her arm. "I wasn't trying to offend you. I was just stating the facts."

"Sometimes the facts suck." Ivy rested her back against the door. "This isn't fair to you and I'm sorry. I just need more time to decide what I'm doing. I don't expect you to wait around for me…"

He cut her off with a kiss. Gentle, sweet, and tame. Almost as if he was afraid she'd break or worse, put him back on his ass. "I have forever to wait." He pulled away and opened the door for her.

* * *

Eddie sat on the couch next to Scarlet. The TV was on but no one was paying it any attention. Scarlet played with her hair, wrapping it around her finger in a loose curl, then braiding it for a bit, only to brush it out with her fingers and start all over again.

He broke the silence first. "We should go on a double date."

Scarlet looked up at him. "Oh?"

"I was thinking, this whole mess is because we were never going at this properly. We went from 0-mind blowing sex in .038 seconds. We haven't really been on dates, I don't even know all that much about you."

"We were both trying to forget people who didn't want us around."

"So, starting over. We're going to go on a double date like people do when they first meet someone. Kind of break the ice. Then solo dates and eventually get back to where we are," Eddie told her.

"I like that. But who are going to go out with?"

"Let's see, obviously Holly and Dick are out, Harvey and Ivy are more of a wrestling match than a couple at the moment, Harley and Joker are…just no, Jervis and Alice annoy me…"

"I thought he was your best friend?" Scarlet interjected.

"Only when someone stole my car. And when I needed a best man. And when no one is around," he explained. "Selina and Bruce, they're pretty normal."

"Yeah but she's always bitching he's so busy. I'd feel bad taking one of their nights away."

Eddie thought harder. "Selina was telling me she and Harley bumped into Johnny not too long ago with a woman."

"Johnny?"

"Jonathan Crane, the Scarecrow."

"He hasn't been to the Iceberg. Are you sure it was him?" Scarlet asked.

"Yeah, I'm sure. He was with…what was her name? Rosemary or some spice like that." Eddie grabbed his phone off the table. "Let's see if the old boy's number is still the same. If not, I'm sure Oswald can hunt him down quickly."

* * *

Selina rubbed Bruce's shoulders as he sat in front of the computer in the Batcave. He had been working nonstop lately both as Bruce Wayne and as Batman and when he wasn't working he was thinking about work, or he and Selina were with the group. It was nice to have a moment of peace, even if he was technically working.

"What's all this?" she asked.

"More Tipster research. I spoke with Zatanna this afternoon and she said she got the updates too. So does the rest of the Justice League. It's a little unsettling."

"How in the hell is she doing this?"

"That's what I'm trying to find out," Bruce replied turning around to face her. "Spending the night?"

"Are you actually going to be with me or am I going to be sleeping in that giant bed alone?"

Bruce smiled. "I will definitely be join…" Before he could finish, the alarm went off on the computer.

Selina gave him a sad smile. "Work?"

He looked at the screen. "It's Freeze." Bruce growled in frustration. "I could get Dick to cover with Tim."

"No. Just go. I know you. If you stay here you're just going to be checking in on them anyway."

"I'll make it up to you."

"Damn straight."

* * *

Ivy sauntered into the kitchen where Harvey was sitting, reading the paper, as usual. She sat her purse down on the table and kissed him on the cheek.

"Have fun with the girls?" he asked.

"Yes. I did," she lied.

Harvey took her phone out of his pocket and handed it to her. "You left this. Things' been going off almost all night."

Ivy took it from him nervously. "Who was calling?"

"I didn't read it. Your phone."

"I think I'm going to go to bed." Ivy started to walk away but Harvey grabbed her.

"I love you."

She smiled. "I love you too." She kissed him again, this time on the lips, and continued to the bedroom.

Harvey folded up the paper and rested his head in his hands. He'd lied. He had looked at the phone and all the calls and texts were from Ra's. He had only read one though, the last one that came in. It simply said "I miss you already."


	9. Dangerous Game

Dangerous Game

Author's Note: Internet drama-so, at work I'm blocked from all the fun stuff on the internet but I skirt by that with web proxy. Unfortunately I can't upload chapters onto with the web proxy. *insert multitude of swears*. I hate everything right now. Oh! A piece of candy!

* * *

"Put the phone down!" Ivy yelled as Selina hurled a corner in her new Jaguar XKR convertible. Bruce had bought it for her since she refused to let Alfred drive her on her little road trip, and had also refused his cars.

"I don't need to put the phone down, I need to find an ashtray," Selina hissed back as she tried to hold her cigarette out the window. "Sorry hon, what did you say?" she asked Bruce over the phone.

"What is going on?" he asked back.

"Oh, I'm trying to smoke but I can't leave the window open more than a crack otherwise it's too noisy and I'm trying not to ash all over the interior. Ivy is having a panic attack because I crossed the line a couple of times…"

"Oncoming traffic!" Harley yelled from the backseat.

"Damn it!" Selina pulled over and slammed on the brakes. "Anyway, I should be back before too late. Then I'm just having one quick one with the girls and I'll be home."

"Why are you smoking?" Bruce asked.

"Old habit. I always smoke when I drive. I'll talk to you later, love you." Selina snapped the phone closed and gave a look to the other two girls. "Happy?"

Ivy glared at her. "Excuse me for not wanting to die."

"You were never in any danger. I'm a good driver."

"When was the last time you actually drove?" Harley asked.

"Did I drive Eddie's car the night we stole it?"

Ivy and Harley exchanged a look. "Doesn't count," Ivy told her.

"Pish posh." And with that, they were back on the road.

* * *

Joker sat on the couch staring at the baby boy on his floor. He wasn't sure how it had happened, again, but somehow he got stuck with the kid. He replayed the morning again in his mind.

First, Holly had shown up with the little brat. "Here you be," she had said.

Then Harley pouted and replied "Oh shit. I forgot I was going to babysit. The girls and I had plans to go to the mall in Metropolis."

"Oh no," Holly whined.

"I have an idea Holls, Mistah J can babysit."

That is where everything fell apart. Now he was spending the day with Bobby instead of planning his baby room. Bobby grabbed his toes and fell backward. "Learn to balance kid," Joker corrected.

Bobby rolled over and gave him a look that Joker swore said, shut up. He opened his mouth to add to the argument but his phone began to ring. "You got off easy this time kid."

He looked at the caller ID and grimaced. Harvey. "Ahoy hoy!" he said.

"We need to talk," Harvey replied.

"It was Brucie."

"What?"

"If I'm in trouble, then it was Brucie," Joker explained.

"You're not in trouble. I just need to talk to you. Meet me for a drink?"

"It's 10 am and I can't leave. I have Bobby."

"Your hostage can't wait?" Harvey asked.

"Bobby isn't a hostage, he's Holly's nephew."

"Oh right. Shit. Can I come over then?"

Joker sighed. "I don't know if I'm allowed to have boys over while I'm babysitting Harv. Maybe we can talk in study hall."

"Damn it clown!" Twoface growled through the phone.

"Why hello stranger." Joker smiled. "Haven't seen you around."

"Coming over and bringing Bruce." He hung up.

Joker put the phone back on the table stuck his tongue out. "Spoil sport." He rubbed the bridge of his nose and tried to think how this day could get any worse and that's when he noticed Bobby was gone. "Fuck. Me."

* * *

Holly walked into the Iceberg to work on next week's schedule. She had a couple days where she and Scarlet were scheduled together and she couldn't bare the thought of it. She imagined the girl was more than angry with her and she wanted to avoid conflict. Unfortunately fate had other plans. Scarlet was walking out of Oswald's office with a sad look on her face.

"Hi," Holly said tentatively.

"I quit," Scarlet replied plainly.

"Look, Scar, this whole Eddie thing is…"

"Eddie and I are still together. This has nothing to do with that. I just can't work here anymore." Scarlet pushed past her and walked out the door.

Holly continued into Oswald's office to get the full story. "Mr. Cobblepot, I don't mean to be nosey but did Scarlet really just quit?"

Oswald sat behind his desk with his long cigarette holder hanging out of his mouth. He looked like someone had just punched him in the gut.

"Are you ok?" she asked taking a seat on the opposite side of the desk.

"She quit."

"Yeah, but she can't be gone gone."

"She doesn't want to work here and be reminded of…things," he explained.

"I don't understand."

He took a deep breath, held it, and then let it out quickly. "I've always been able to trust you, I hope that still stands."

"Of course."

"I accidentally had relations with Scarlet the other night."

"I'm sorry," Holly said. "I don't know how you 'accidentally' have sex with someone. Did you fall on top of her and it slipped in?"

Oswald gave her a death glare. "Things just got out of hand."

Holly shook her head. "Why is everyone so messed up? You clearly like her and she clearly likes you. Do something about it. Tell her! Sleep with her properly for god's sake!"

"Well aren't you the pot calling the kettle black?"

She stood up and started for the door. "Mr. Cobblepot, I have stood by silently and listened to your bullshit for I don't even know how long. I've kept your secrets, helped you, and held my tongue the whole time. But now, I'm not holding back anymore. Fuck you." She walked out.

"Are you still coming in tonight?" he called after her.

"Yeah."

* * *

"I've lost little Bobby son of a bitch!" Joker cried as Bruce and Harvey stepped into the penthouse.

"I don't think you're supposed to call a baby a son of a bitch," Harvey replied.

"Who the hell gave you a baby and how did you lose him?" Bruce asked.

"Harley passed him off to me again and he was here one minute, I got on the phone with you," he explained pointing a finger at Harvey, "and then he was gone! Poof!"

"He's a baby. He couldn't have gotten far," Bruce assured him.

"Right," Joker sighed.

"Do you feel a breeze?" Harvey asked.

"Oh, the bedroom window is opened," Joker answered.

All three men looked at each other and then ran for the bedroom.

* * *

"How do you lose a baby?" Dick asked as he paced Holly's living room.

"I didn't lose crap. Joker lost the baby. I just haven't found the baby yet," Bruce explained.

"Don't' pin this on me pal!" Joker yelled.

Dick pulled the phone away from his ear and shook his head. "Look…"

"Hey babe, I'm home," Holly called as she walked in the door.

"Shit." Dick ran for the bedroom and closed the door. "Holly's back."

Bruce's eyes went wide and Harvey and Joker stared at him. "Holly's back," he told them.

"I need to get out of town," Joker cried.

"Did you guys check the whole apartment? Cupboards, drawers, closet, the works?"

"Yes," Bruce replied.

"I don't know what you want me to do."

"Come over and help!" Joker yelled through the phone.

"Ok, get the clown a xanax and I'll be right over." Dick shoved the phone in his pocket and walked back into the living room.

"What was all that?" Holly asked.

"Nothing, just…I can't even begin to explain. You're back early though."

"Yeah. Scarlet quit and then Mr. Cobblepot was all messed up. It ended with me walking out and the F-word." She plopped down onto the couch. "I still have to work tonight."

"So you're not picking up Bobby anytime soon?" Dick questioned.

"Don't tell me you want a baby now too."

"Nope. I need to go now." Dick slid his shoes on and bolted for the door.

"Weirder and weirder."

* * *

"So, no one thought to look under the coffee table?" Dick asked as he bounced Bobby on his knee.

"Well who knew he could fit under there?" Joker snapped.

"Dude! I fit under there!"

Joker snatched the baby out of Dick's hands and carried him into the kitchen. He pulled a bottle out of the fridge and popped it into the microwave. "I was panicked. I wasn't thinking clearly. The question is, why didn't those two look under there?"

"I assumed you looked under the table," Bruce replied.

"Ivy's cheating on me with Ra's Al Ghul," Harvey sighed.

"Bullshit!" Joker cried.

"Can we not swear in front of the kid?" Dick pleaded.

"Oh he doesn't understand what I'm saying."

Harvey took a seat on the couch and buried his face in his hands. "She was getting calls and texts from him all night long."

"That doesn't mean anything," Bruce assured him.

"Jack, where was Harley last night?" Harvey asked.

"In bed with yours truly."

"She told me she was out with the girls."

Bruce, Dick, and Joker exchanged looks.

"She doesn't know I know yet. I'm not going to tell her either. I'm just going to let it run its course and fizzle out."

* * *

Ivy scrolled though her text messages and grimaced.

"Cute face," Harley joked.

"He knows," Ivy sighed.

"Who knows what?" Selina asked.

"Harvey, he knows about Ra's. I left my phone at home last night and he said he didn't look at anything but I have a text here from Ra's from last night that was opened and I know I didn't see it."

"He didn't say anything?" Harley asked in disbelief.

"He's probably hoping she'll fess up," Selina told her.

"Well, he doesn't know that I know that he knows," Ivy stated.

"And what does that mean?"

"It means that I'm just going to wait until he says something and act like I have no clue he knows," Ivy explained.

"What happens when he knows that you know that he knows?" Harley questioned.

"Well, I would know that he knows that I know that he knows so I still have the upper hand."

"What happens when Ra's knows that Harvey knows?" Selina asked.

"Nothing, until Harvey knows that Ra's knows that Harvey knows. Then it's a cluster fuck."

"Oh yeah," Harley said sarcastically. "That's when things get tricky."

* * *

"So what's the plan?" Joker asked as he tried to shove a bottle into Bobby's mouth.

"I don't know," Harvey sighed.

"Jesus! Have you ever fed a baby?" Dick grabbed the bottle from Joker and gently put it up to Bobby's mouth. "Nice and easy."

"Since when are you father of the year?" Joker hissed.

"I'm not but I know you don't smash a bottle into a baby's face until he takes it. Basic common sense."

"Can we not argue about the baby and focus on Harvey's problem?" Bruce pleaded.

"Kick his ass," Joker suggested.

"Quit swearing in front of the baby!" Dick cried.

"Shut up!" Twoface growled.

"Welcome back again," Joker laughed. "There's your solution. Harvey needs to take the backseat. He's been driving too long and is too tired to stay on the road. Twoface is rested up and ready to take on the next half of the drive."

"Nice analogy," Dick said.

"I have my moments."

Twoface cracked his knuckles and smiled.

* * *

"I've been calling you for an hour!" Harley yelled through the phone.

"Well I've been taking care of a baby!" Joker yelled back.

Selina and Ivy shook their heads.

"Is the baby still alive?" Harley asked.

"Yes. I can take care of a baby," Joker told her. He looked over and Bobby was crawling across the counter toward the sink. Joker bit his lip to keep from yelling at the kid and ran over and plucked him off the counter. Bobby giggled as Joker swung him over his shoulder. "It's a piece of cake really."

Harley frowned. "Fine. We're on our way back but we're going out for a drink so you get the bundle of joy for a few more hours."

"Good. Having all kinds of fun." Bobby stuck his pacifier in Joker's ear and giggled when he growled and threw it across the kitchen.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!" Joker lied.

"If you can't handle it…"

"I'm just peachy! You go out with the girls. First round's on me."

"If you insist." Harley hung the phone up and sighed.

"How's he doing?" Selina asked.

"He says he's good and everything is fine. Stupid kid. The one good baby in the world and I found him."

* * *

Dick sat at the kitchen counter in Wayne manor poking his jello with a spoon. Tim sat next to him poking his own jello.

"You two should do something productive," Alfred told them.

"Like what?" Tim asked.

"I don't know. Maybe go to dinner," Alfred suggested.

"We're eating jello," Dick whined.

"Jello does not a meal make," Alfred corrected.

"It does when you're a grown man."

Alfred pulled the bowls away from them and put them in the fridge. "Ask Master Bruce if he would like to go with you."

"We could go to the Iceberg," Tim offered.

Dick cocked his eyebrow and gave Tim a look.

"What? They have good food."

"The girls are having a girls' night."

"They always seem to be having a girls' night," Barbara said as she rolled into the kitchen.

Dick smoothed his hair with his hand and gave her a big grin. "Long time no see."

"Yeah, well, you've been busy with Holly," she replied.

"So how's Cookie?" Dick asked.

"It's Chip and we broke up. Bruce didn't tell you?"

"We don't gossip."

"Bullocks!" Alfred grumbled.

Barbara hid her smile behind her hand and stifled a laugh.

"Anyway," Dick glared at Alfred, "sorry to hear that."

"Liar," Barbara joked.

Bruce walked into the kitchen and pulled a bowl of jello out of the fridge. "Hello Barbara. I didn't hear the doorbell."

Barbara held up a set of keys. "You gave me a key, remember?"

"I was just telling the boys you should all go get some dinner," Alfred told him.

"Have fun," Bruce said.

Alfred rolled his eyes and smacked the bowl out of Bruce's hands.

"Did Alfred just bitch slap the jello?" Dick asked.

"Eat a proper meal!" Alfred cried.

"I could go for some food," Barbara interjected.

"To the Iceberg then?" Tim asked.

* * *

Eddie, Scarlet, Johnny, and Sage all sat a table in the corner at the Iceberg. Eddie had objected to having their double date there but Scarlet insisted it would be a fun a night. "Everyone will be glad to see Johnny," she told him.

So far the evening hadn't been all that bad. Dinner was good, the conversation pleasant, and Sage was quite the breath of fresh air. She was polite, well mannered, and intelligent. The only problem was, Eddie could swear he had seen her before but he couldn't figure out where.

"What's that idiot doing here?" Dick asked as he, Barbara, Tim, and Bruce took their seats at the neighboring table.

"Well, this is the Iceberg Lounge run by a former Rogue. Edward Nigma is a Rogue ergo, he's at the Iceberg. Appears he's also on a double date with," Bruce squinted, "yep, that looks like Jonathan Crane and the girl Selina and I saw him with."

"Why are you all pissy with the Riddler?" Barbara asked.

"He told Holly he loved her."

"What did she say?"

"She blew it off but it still pisses me off. I don't go around telling his girlfriend I love her," Dick explained.

"You would if you did," Barbara replied.

"Would not! She's with him, that's just low."

"Children," Bruce warned.

* * *

"Why is my boyfriend here?" Selina asked.

Harley peered around until she spotted Bruce's table. "It looks like a family dinner."

"You going to go say hi?" Ivy questioned.

"Hell no. It's my night off," Selina joked.

Ivy scanned the room to see who else was there. When her eyes found the bar, she nearly fainted. "Ra's is here!" All three of them ducked under the table.

"What do we do?" Harley asked.

"I don't know but this looks a little suspicious,' Selina replied.

Ivy got back into her seat, followed by Selina, and then Harley. "We just sit here and act casual. He won't come over."

"He won't?" Harley asked.

"I hope not."

* * *

Holly sauntered over to the Wayne table and kissed Dick, roughly. When she pulled away she made sure she caught Barbara's eye. "Hey babe," she cooed.

"Hey Holls," Dick replied somewhat starstruck.

"I didn't know you were going to be here."

"Last minute decision," Tim told her.

"Harley's over there," Holly said pointing at Ivy's table.

"I should go say hi." Before anyone could stop him he was gone.

"Like a dog with a bone," Bruce sighed.

"Hi Barbara, I didn't see you over there," Holly lied.

"It's nice to see you Holly."

"Dick hasn't talked about you in awhile. Where've you been?"

"Oh, you know, work, boyfriend, the like," Barbara replied as nicely as she could.

"Yeah, WE'VE been pretty busy too." Emphasis on the "we've".

Dick looked to Bruce for help but there was nothing he could do. Stepping in now would be like stepping into the lion's den.

"So I heard," Barbara replied through gritted teeth.

"Can I get everyone a drink?" Holly asked.

"I'll take a scotch," Dick said.

"Just a coke for me," Bruce told her.

"Can you make mine a double?" Dick asked.

"I'll have a coke too," Barbara added.

"Be back in a flash."

* * *

"Hey Harley," Tim said cheerfully as he bounced up to the table.

"Timmy!" Harley cried giving him a big hug.

Selina gave Ivy a smirk and shook her head. "Nice to see you too Tim."

"Oh, sorry, hi Selina, Ivy."

"Hi Tim," Ivy laughed.

"Having dinner with the family?" Selina asked.

"Yeah. We were eating jello but Alfred bitch slapped it so we went and got dinner."

"Your butler bitch slapped your jello?" Harley asked.

"Yep. It was weird."

"This is why I don't have a butler," Ivy joked.

"Is that Barbara over there?" Selina asked.

"Yeah, she came over before the jello slap."

"Oh boy," Selina sighed.

"What?" Ivy asked.

"Oh, just watch what happens."

* * *

Holly returned to the table carrying a tray of drinks. "I grabbed the little one a cherry coke too." She sat them on the table and when she got to Barbara's she dumped it in her lap. "Oh my god! I am so sorry."

"Yeah, I bet," Barbara hissed.

"Excuse me?"

"I have a feeling there is no excuse," Barbara replied.

"Look bitch…" But before Holly could finish that thought, Twoface burst through the door and lunged for Ra's Al Ghul.

"Oh my god!" Ivy yelled as she got up from the table and made a beeline for the bar with Selina and Harley close behind.

"I'll kill you!" Twoface growled as he punched Ra's in the face repeatedly.

"Harvey stop!" Ivy pleaded trying to pull him off Ra's. He only flung her back like a ragdoll.

Bruce and Eddie sprang up from their tables and threw themselves into the fray. Both grabbed one of Harvey's arms and pulled him back.

"Easy big guy," Eddie said as he struggled to hold him back.

"You son of a bitch!" Twoface yelled.

Ra's picked himself up off the bar and wiped his face on his sleeve. "I understand you are mad."

"No, I'm not mad I'm pissed!" Twoface pulled his arms free of Bruce and Eddie but didn't go after Ra's again. Instead he turned around to face Ivy who was standing between Harley and Selina cradling her arm. "How could you?"

Ivy started to cry. She didn't know what else to do.

"Are you alright?" Ra's asked.

Twoface turned back to him and pulled his fist back for another blow but Ivy grabbed his arm.

"Please, just take me home," she begged.

Harvey took control again and dropped his fist. "Let's go."

* * *

"What the hell was that?" Dick asked no one in particular.

Barbara looked up at Holly who was still distracted with the scene and gave her push, knocking her down. As Holly fell, she grabbed a handful of Barbara's hair and dragged her down too. Dick looked down at the floor where the two girls were wrestling with each other.

"Seriously?" he asked looking up at the ceiling.

Selina, Harley, and Bruce were at the table in a flash pulling the girls apart. Selina and Harley got a handle on Holly while Bruce slung Barbara over his shoulder.

"Enough!" Bruce growled. "What is going on tonight?"

* * *

"Wow! What a night! First in our nightly roundup, Johnny Crane is alive and kicking…with a girl! That would be Dr. Sage Monroe from good ol' Arkham Asylum. Is she taking a stroll down Harley Quinn Lane? Hmmm. And at the Iceberg, Harvey Dent takes a swing at Ra's Al Ghul. Apparently it was over Miss Ivy. Seems like she was tending to her garden somewhere else. Wink wink. Our second WWF Smackdown of the evening came from mild-mannered Holly Spungeon. Seems she didn't like Dick's buddy Barbara tagging along for dinner. Night!"

* * *

Joker snapped the phone closed with wide eyes. Having to babysit sucked. He missed all the good stuff. Harley came in the door with Alice right behind her.

"I come to reclaim Bobby," Alice chirped.

"Take him," Joker replied passing the baby.

"Thanks. It should be the last time you have to watch him."

"It was no trouble," Joker lied.

"Peace out." Alice held up the peace sign and bounced out.

"Looks like I missed all the good stuff," Joker teased gesturing toward his phone.

"Oh my god it was crazy," Harley sighed sliding off her shoes.

"Is Harvey ok?"

"I don't even know. He came in, threw down with Ra's, shoved Ivy, and then they left."

"Is Ivy ok?"

Harley plopped down next to him on the couch. "Look at you caring."

"She isn't my favorite person but I don't want her thrown through a wall either."

"She was more upset than hurt."

Joker cuddled up next to Harley and nuzzled her neck. "I missed you."

She smiled. "I missed you too Pudd…"

Before she could finish, Joker sneezed in her face.

"Wow that was hot," Harley said sarcastically. "Is this cake?" she asked wiping her face.

"Cupcake," Joker replied. "I was eating one and Bobby shoved it up into my nose. Possibly as payback fro trying to shove a bottle up his."

"Beautiful. And you still want a baby?"

"Abso-fucking-lutely," Joker answered. Truth was, he wasn't so sure anymore. Having a baby ended up being more work than he was prepared for.


	10. Bad Romance

Bad Romance

Author's Note: Bad Romance will be stuck in my head all day now. I like Gaga, I don't care who knows it. I also like Engelbert Humperdinck. That's not true. I just like his name.

* * *

Ivy and Harvey sat across from each other at their kitchen table. There was a strange silence that had set in the moment they left the club. Neither one of them wanted to talk about what had happened but they knew eventually it would have to be discussed. She still cradled her wrist against her chest even though the pain had long since subsided.

"Are you ok?" Harvey asked gesturing toward her arm.

The sudden noise made Ivy jump. "I'm fine." Her voice was barely louder than a whisper.

"You going to be afraid of me now?"

She shook her head and let her arm rest on the table. "You startled me, that's all."

Harvey rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands and grunted.

"How long are we going to dance around Ra's Al Ghul?" she blurted out.

He looked up at her and sighed. "I'm sorry. I lost my temper."

"You're apologizing to me?" she asked in disbelief.

"I shouldn't have burst in there like an animal and caused a scene."

Ivy jumped up from the table knocking her chair back. She slammed both hands down and got into Harvey's face. "You're spineless."

"What?"

"I cheat on you, make you look like an ass, and you apologize to me? Who does that? You know why I was with Ra's?"

Harvey shook his head.

"Because he has a backbone. Because he knows what he wants and he goes after it, mercilessly. Like you used to. You never sat back and took any shit from anybody. Now you're practically a welcome mat. I went home with you tonight because you caused that scene. Because you went in there guns blazing for me," Ivy yelled, her nose a hair away from his.

Harvey dropped his head like a scolded child and that was Ivy's final straw. She slapped him, hard, across the face. "Once upon a time you loved me enough to chase me around Gotham. You even locked me in your house," she said, tears filling her eyes.

"I didn't lock you in."

"Like I could've opened that door with your weight on it. Now you don't even love me enough to fight for me." Ivy walked out of the kitchen and into her bedroom. She pulled a suitcase out of the closet and began to fill it with clothes.

Harvey sat at the table thinking about everything she had just said. He looked down at his left hand and ran his thumb over the silver band. He shot up from the table and raced down the hallway into the bedroom. He yanked the clothes out of Ivy's hand, threw the suitcase onto the floor, and pushed her down onto the bed. "I love you god damn it. Don't ever doubt that," he yelled.

Ivy's eyes went wide and she sat there motionless. Perhaps she had provoked him too much.

"You think it doesn't piss me off to think about you running around town like a common prostitute with that arrogant bastard?" Harvey punched the vanity mirror. "Damn that hurts." He dropped down onto the bed next to Ivy and inspected his hand.

"Let me see," she ordered taking his hand. "It looks pretty bad. You might need stitches." She went and got a towel from the bathroom to keep him from bleeding all over the floor. She gently wrapped it around his hand, applying the smallest amount of pressure.

"That really hurts," he grumbled.

"Yeah, and it's really bleeding." She pulled the towel away a little to take another look. "I think we should go have this looked at."

"Humph."

Ivy cocked her eyebrow and smiled a little. "It was two dates. And he didn't get anything, except a kiss."

Harvey grunted.

"Hey! I don't just go around town spreading my legs for anybody who asks!" she hissed.

Now it was Harvey who raised an eyebrow. "What about me?"

Ivy made a face. "You were different. I loved you, even if I was reluctant to admit it."

"You don't love Ra's?"

"No. Not one little bit and as a matter of fact," Ivy pulled her phone out of her purse and scrolled through the contacts. When she got to Ra's she showed it to Harvey and then deleted it. "And if he calls me I'll just ignore it."

"Aw Pammy."

"Why are you talking to the wall?" Ivy asked.

Harvey adopted a confused look. "What are you talking about? I'm talking to you!"

Ivy looked over to her left at the open spot and waved her hand in front of Harvey's face. Then she noticed that the towel was now completely drenched. "Oh crap! Ok, hospital, now."

* * *

Holly sat on the couch watching Dick pace back and forth in front of her. She ran a hand through her rumpled up hair trying to smooth it down a little and checking to see if any of it had been pulled out. She never suspected Barbara of being a hair puller, but she was.

"I can't believe you," Dick finally blurted out.

"She pushed me first!" Holly shot back.

"You purposefully dumped a drink on her."

"Oh, sure! Take her side!"

Dick let out an exasperated grunt. "I'm not on anyone's side! You both acted like idiots!"

"But you believe that I dumped a drink on her on purpose? Why would I do that?"

"I don't know! Maybe you're jealous?"

"Yeah, that's it. I'm jealous. I'm just begging to be in a wheelchair," Holly snapped.

"That was totally uncalled for."

"What? It's true. She can't walk."

"I'm out of here." Dick grabbed his coat off the back of the couch and headed for the door. "You're a real bitch." With that, he slammed the door leaving Holly all alone.

* * *

Bruce carried Selina into the house and up the stairs into his bedroom. He dropped her onto the bed, closed the door, and then joined her. "I have been waiting all day for you," he said in a low growl.

Selina was already working her shirt over her head when her phone rang. "No!" she hissed as she pulled it out of her pocket and tossed it unceremoniously onto the floor.

"Do you need to get that?" Bruce asked kissing her.

"Hell no." Selina began to undo the buttons on his shirt, kissing his jaw and neck as she went.

"What if it's important?"

"Nothing is more important than this. Harley could be on fire right now and it wouldn't be as important as getting your pants off." She pushed Bruce down onto the bed and straddled him. Her little fingers quickly undid his belt.

"What if it's Ivy? Harvey took her home. Maybe something happened," Bruce continued.

"One less bad guy for you to catch later." Bruce opened his mouth to speak again but Selina was in no mood to hear it. She put her hand over his mouth and said, "I don't want to hear another word besides, yes, oh, baby, god, and don't stop."

Bruce laughed, "Yes mistress."

"I like that too." Selina bent down and kissed him again but she noticed a weird sensation on her inner thigh. "What the hell is that?"

"What's what?" he asked innocently.

"Either you got a vibrator in your pocket or your phone is going off."

Bruce pulled his phone out of his pocket, looked at the caller ID, and flipped it open. "Yeah?"

Selina rolled off him and walked out of the room, fuming. She stomped down the stairs, into the kitchen, and aggressively plopped down in a chair at the counter.

Alfred walked out of the pantry holding a box of cake mix. "Miss Kyle," he greeted.

"Alfred."

"You seem disgruntled," he commented.

"Tim told me you bitch slapped jello," she said.

"It was one of my more inappropriate moments."

"Wanna bitch slap your boss?" she asked.

"Trouble?"

"Where do I begin? Oh! How about how we barely have a minute alone? Or maybe how when we do get a minute alone he wants to be around the group or talk about the group? I know, let's begin with him answering his phone while I'm trying to get his clothes off!" Selina yelled slamming her fists onto the counter.

"That explains the lack of appropriate attire."

Selina looked down and realized she was sitting there in her bra. She tried to cover herself up but decided it wasn't worth it. They were breasts, she was wearing a bra. Surely Alfred had seen something similar before.

"Have you talked to him about your concerns?" Alfred asked as he pulled out a mixing bowl.

"I don't want to nag. I knew what I was getting when I signed on for the gig but I guess I just didn't really think about how it would affect us. Why are you making a cake so late at night?"

"Do you want a piece of cake?"

"Yes, actually I kind of do," she replied.

"Then don't question the baker."

Selina nodded and left it at that.

Bruce walked into the kitchen and took a seat next to Selina. "That was…"

"That was blah calling about blah and I gotta go. Yeah, I know," she grumbled.

"I'll try and get back as quickly as possible," Bruce assured her.

"Take your time. I'll just sit here and eat cake."

* * *

"I like Sage. She's nice," Scarlet said as she slipped off her shoes and out of her dress.

Eddie was sprawled out face down on the bed, completely exhausted from the night's activities. "Uh huh," he managed to mutter.

"We should have dinner with them again."

"We should just have dinner with them every night so we can pretend we're happy forever."

Scarlet sighed, slid on a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt, and then crawled into bed next to Eddie, pushing him away slightly. "You're just a bowl full of cherries."

"I thought starting over would be a good idea but watching it actually play out, it's all so fake. We're not happy."

"You're not happy. I'm perfectly happy," she told him.

"You're delusional."

"I'm realistic. No one is completely happy in their relationship."

"Harley and Joker are."

Scarlet scoffed. "Right! She's lying to him about wanting a baby and he's so wrapped up in his own little world he doesn't even notice."

"Ignorance is bliss."

"Were you happier being ignorant to her cheating?" Scarlet asked.

"Harley and Joker are inevitable. I knew she and I were only temporary."

"Bullshit." Scarlet rolled over and tried to go to sleep.

"I'm going for a walk."

* * *

"Shit!" Jonathan Crane cried out.

"What?" Sage asked coming over to see what was going on.

Johnny closed his phone and sighed. "Remember the Tipster I was telling you about?"

"Yes."

"She broke the story on you being a doctor at Arkham."

Sage dropped her glass of water on the floor of her condo and started to cry. "Oh my god! What if someone at Arkham sees that?"

"If you don't get the updates I don't think anyone else would."

"What if the Joker goes in tomorrow and tells everyone? What if one of the other doctors knows someone who gets the updates?"

"What if the world ends tomorrow and we spend all this time worrying about crap that might not happen?"

Sage smiled a little.

"If they find out, they find out. Harley turned out…hmm…well she's not completely wrecked," Johnny mused.

She playfully punched him in the shoulder. "You better be worth all the trouble."

"All kinds of worth it."

"I guess if I'm going to lose my license and all my professional friends I should get to know more of your crowd."

Johnny gulped and his eyes went wide. "My crowd?"

"Don't panic. I'm only teasing,' she laughed.

He relaxed quickly. While he was technically a Rogue he wasn't very "in" with the rest of them. Sure he'd say hi at the club, and he didn't mind spending time with Eddie, but he wasn't anyone's best friend. That's why he liked Sage so much. She too was on the outskirts of her crowd. None of the other doctors at Arkham paid her much attention and when they did it was only out of professional courtesy. Sage took Johnny's hand and started to pull him to her bedroom. He followed slowly, all the while looking into her big blue eyes that were poking out from under her heavy brown bangs.

* * *

Alice danced across the kitchen to the fridge, opened the door, and pulled out a can of whipped cream which she sprayed into her mouth.

"How can you eat like that and not gain a pound?" Jervis asked in amazement.

"Good genes, high metabolism, and a lot of energy that keeps me moving and burns it off," she explained. She held the can out to him, "Want a squirt?"

"No. I'm old. I'll get fat."

"Maybe I want you fat."

Jervis quirked an eyebrow, "Really?"

"Yeah! That way no other girl comes sniffing around you."

"I don't know if you've noticed, but you're the only girl that has ever come sniffing around me."

"And I want to keep it that way. Who knows? Maybe Scarlet is on a Rogue tour and she'll try and jump on you next."

Jervis took the whipped cream out of her hand and sprayed it into his mouth. "Good point."

"I can be a smart cookie when I want." Alice went back to the fridge and started looking for more stuff. "I am starving. I feel like I haven't eaten in days. We got any fried chicken? I really want some fried chicken."

Jervis's eyes went wide. It was amazing they had any food ever. The girl was a human garbage disposal. "How did recording go today?"

Alice stopped sifting through the fridge and bit her lip. "It was ok," she lied.

"You've been recording for weeks, when do we actually get to hear any of this?" Jervis asked.

"You know how it is. This stuff takes time."

"Are you ok?"

She closed the fridge and carried a container of general tso chicken to the table. "I'm fine. Why?"

"You sound funny."

"Funny ha ha?"

"Funny like you're feeding me a line of bull."

"So funny ho ho?" she joked.

"Why are you being weird…er than usual?"

Alice stuck her fork in her chicken and sat it on the table. "We got dropped from the label already. They were trying to change our songs and our sound so I lost it and went ape shit on them."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was slightly embarrassed, completely annoyed, and I didn't want you to think I was totally useless. I figured I could get another label and then tell you," she explained.

Jervis stroked her hand and smiled. "You're not totally useless, just 1/3," he joked.

"Awesome."

* * *

Eddie sat at the bar of some dank hole that somehow managed to pass for a reputable establishment. He sipped his beer, popped a couple of peanuts into his mouth, and sighed. The bartender, an older man with graying hair and a Rhett Butler mustache, watched him while smoking his cigarette.

"Get you another one son?" the bartender asked pouring another beer without even bothering to wait for a response. He knew a drinking mood when he saw one.

Eddie grunted in reply.

"You look down son." The bartender sat the beer next to Eddie and leaned back against the counter. "Woman trouble?"

"What's your name?" Eddie asked.

"Joe."

"Well, set em up Joe. We're drinking, my friend, to the end of a brief episode."

"She leave you?"

Eddie laughed. "I wish. I can't get her to go. She's hanging on for dear life but it's so over there needs to be a new word for it."

"You don't love her?"

"No. And I've tried, Joe, I have. I just can't get over this other girl," Eddie explained.

"There's always another dame," Joe laughed.

"She's not like any other dame either. She's different." The door opened and a chill ran down Eddie's spine. He turned to see who just walked in and his jaw nearly hit the floor. "And she's here."

Holly walked up to the bar and took the stool next to Eddie. She smiled sadly. "Hello."

"Of all the gin joints in all the world, you had to walk into mine," he sighed.

"What can I get you sweetheart?" Joe asked.

"Gin and tonic." Holly looked at Eddie. "You look rough."

"You don't look so hot yourself," he snapped.

Joe sat her drink down and Holly took a sip. "I suppose I deserve that."

"I'll leave you two to it," Joe said making his way to the other end of the bar.

"What brings you here?" Eddie asked.

"I needed a drink."

"An odd place to get a drink."

"You're the one who came across town to get a drink in a dive bar," Holly replied.

Eddie shrugged. "I suppose you're right."

They sat silent for a second, nursing their drinks and sighing.

"So where's Dick?"

"He left. We got into a fight."

"You're just all riled up tonight."

"It's all your fault."

Eddie burst out laughing. "Sure. Ok."

"It is! If you would've manned up and told me you loved me ages ago instead of burying your head in Harley's ass I wouldn't be with Dick. Then I wouldn't be this depressed jealous mess! I'm trying to make it work! I'm trying my damndest but how can I really try with you nipping at my heels and Barbara looming over us? I live in his ex girlfriend's shadow all the time and it's impossible to compete with Saint Barbara the perfect."

Eddie laughed harder.

"I'm so happy my pain amuses you. I'm sitting here telling you my relationship is failing and basically that I want to be with you and you're laughing at me."

"You're just being dramatic," Eddie replied finishing off his drink. "Go home."

"Come home with me."

He sat his empty glass down on the bar and sighed. "No. I don't think I will."

"I don't understand you," Holly cried balling her hands up into little fists, fighting back the tears.

"If I go home with you, in the state you're in, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon," He pulled out his wallet, tossed some money onto the bar, and got up to leave. "and for the rest of your life."

"But what about us?" she asked, tears running down her face.

"We'll always have Paris." He walked out the door and Holly chased after him.

"What the hell does that mean?" she asked.

"I don't know. I was watching Casablanca last night before I fell asleep. I've been ripping it off since you walked in."

Holly laughed.

"Here's looking at you, kid." Eddie kissed her lightly on the lips and then left her there on the sidewalk.

* * *

"I should go," Dick breathed as he pulled away from Barbara.

"You probably should." What had started as an innocent conversation had turned into a hot and heavy make out session. She felt bad. While she did not care for Holly, she did respect her, and she didn't want to be the town floozy.

Dick rubbed his neck. "I'm sorry. I was totally inappropriate. You let me come over to blow off steam and I turn into an animal."

Barbara shook her head. "You're fine. You were just upset and there's a lot of history here."

"Maybe. I don't know." He buried his face in his hands.

"I'm sure you and Holly can work through this."

"I don't think I want to. I've been thinking of cutting my losses and getting out."

"Since when?"

"Since earlier this evening when you told me you and Chip broke up," he admitted.

Barbara sighed. "Don't."

"I want to be with you."

"You always say that, we always try, and we always break up."

"It can work this time."

"That's what you said last time."

"Last time I was living in Bludhaven and working around the clock. I'm back here now. It's different," Dick pleaded. He got off the couch and kneeled in front of her. "I'm different now. I've prioritized my life and I'm ready to make you number one."

"You've also said that before."

"I got a wake up call. Believe it or not, Selina's friends have been a wakeup call. I watched Joker nearly lose Harley and I don't want to be that guy. Hell, I don't want to be Bruce either. I want the job but I want a life outside of it too."

"I don't know what to say."

"Say you'll give it one more go."

Barbara looked down at him. He looked so serious she couldn't bear to deny him. "Alright. One more go. But you still have to go."

"Why?"

"You're still with Holly and I'm not that kind of girl." She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Cruel. You're so cruel."

* * *

Joker timidly stepped onto the ice in his black skates. Ever the gentleman, he wore his spats over them. Harley stood a little more than a foot away from him in her own skates. She held her hands out to him, beckoning him to come further. It was late, they were restless, the water had long been frozen over, and Harley could not bare another night of bedroom activity. Joker reached out for her, desperately clutching her hands. Harley laughed and began to skate backwards, hanging onto him.

"I'm going to die," Joker moaned.

"I doubt it. You might have a sore ass though," she replied.

Joker straightened himself, still hanging onto her for dear life, not daring to take a step. "Don't let go."

"I'm not letting go. I can't believe you've never been ice skating."

"My mother ran off and my father thought it was sissy."

Harley kept pulling him across the pond. "Even if you were playing hockey?"

"My father didn't believe I had the ability to play sports. Too scrawny." Joker wobbled a little. "Your parents training you for the Olympics?"

She laughed. "No. My mom really liked to skate so she taught me. I only know a couple of tricks."

"Show me."

"I'd have to let go," she teased.

Joker slowly pulled his hands out of hers. He wavered a little, and then promptly fell on his butt. "Ow."

Harley giggled. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah nothing injured but my pride, nothing broken but my ass. Show me your tricks."

She skated to the other side of the pond, turned, and came back. She did a couple of jumps with little spins, landing on one skate. A few turns on the ice, skated backwards into a jump and spin. It all looked very professional, until she landed slightly to the side on her skate and fell on her butt. "Ow."

Joker quickly got to his feet, fell, got up again, fell once more, and then finally resigned to crawl over to her. "You alright?"

She was laughing. "Yes. Now we both have bruised butts."

"I think I killed mine."

"Yeah I saw that fine example of grace," she joked. Harley sat up, got to her feet, and then pulled Joker up off of the ice. He grabbed her hands again, letting her lead him off of the ice. "I can't believe you have skates but you don't know how to use them!"

"Impulse steal. 5 finger discount. Couldn't resist."

Harley shook her head. "You're crazy."

"You know you love me."

"No doubt." She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. Joker's ankles bowed out and then both fell. "Devastatingly romantic," she sighed.

"I think it is." Joker crawled on top of her and continued their kiss. That's when he noticed someone standing at the edge of the tree line, snapping a photo on their phone. "What the hell?"

Harley tilted her head back to look at the intruder. "They're taking a picture."

Joker went to get up, forgetting he was on ice, and quickly ended up back on the ground. Harley slid out from under him, got up, and skated for the shore. The intruder ran. She kicked off her skates and ran after him, barefoot, through the snow finally catching up with him in the parking lot. She pushed him up against a car, pinning him there.

"Who are you?" she demanded.

"Jacob," he replied gasping for air.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Harley Quinn."

"Very good. So why are you taking pictures of me and Joker?" she asked.

"Please, don't hurt me. I was just sending them to Gotham Gossip," he cried.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Jacob took a deep breath and tried not to wet himself. "Gotham Gossip. It's a website, a gossip site about you."

"Me?"

"All of you. The Joker, Poison Ivy, The Riddler, and so on," he explained.

"There's a website for this?"

"Yeah. If anyone sees any of you out they take a picture and send it to the person who runs the website with a description of what's going on. They then put it on the website and text it to people who sign up for mobile alerts."

Harley fished her phone out of her coat pocket, flipped it open, scrolled through her texts until she found a Tipster update, and held it up to Jacob's face. "Like this?"

"Yeah. That's a Gotham Gossip update."

"We call them the Tipster."

"Either way, that's them."

"So what you're telling me is everyone in Gotham can see these updates," she sighed. "Just great."

"Everyone reads them. They're the most popular thing on the web. My girlfriend is obsessed with the whole Holly/Riddler situation."

Harley rolled her eyes. "Get out of here." She let him go and headed back to the pond to tell Joker her new discovery.


	11. It Ends Tonight

It Ends Tonight

Author's Note: I feel like I should share with you what the people at my work have to deal with. 100% of my day is spent at a desk staring at a computer where I write this story because I usually finish my work in the first hour I'm here. I'm productive like that…or maybe I just don't have much to do. I start writing and sometimes I'll be halfway through a sentence and my phone will beep and someone will need me to run and copy something or whatever and I get back to my desk only to forget what I was trying to say in my sentence. This is where I turn into Chris Farley in Tommy Boy. I start talking out loud (and you all know my dialogue is random) trying to finish the thought. It's like that scene in Tommy Boy when they're at the diner or the other one where he lights the toy car on fire. So now everyone is staring at me trying to figure out if I have a mental illness or if I'm on drugs. I feel compelled to explain myself and the story which results in more looks and horror. Then I just turn into Dick trying to explain Little Mermaid to Bruce (referencing myself here) my arms are flailing, there's sentence fragments, and even funny character voices (I do a mean Twoface). Now my coworkers are trying to RUN from me but I follow them because I don't want them to think I'm insane (too late). So there I am in their cubicles flailing my arms and explaining my not-insanity while they give me the old "humor the psycho invading my personal bubble" look all the while repeating "I'm not crazy!" an argument that would be more compelling if I sent it in an email instead of screaming like a possessed howler monkey. Eventually I go back to my desk, erase the ½ sentence and start over only to repeat the process later. That's what my coworkers go through for you guys to have this story. I think you owe them a muffin basket.

* * *

Harley, Selina, Ivy, Harvey, and Joker all stood huddled around the computer screen in Ivy's apartment. Harley's fingers quickly typed in the web address for the Tipster site. Everyone leaned in closer as pictures of themselves appeared on the screen with commentary from the Tipster and comments from the readers.

"These updates didn't even hit our phones!" Selina cried angrily while looking at a picture of herself eating an ice cream cone in Robinson Park.

"It looks like she only sends the best of to people," Ivy commented.

"Look at all these people who follow this site," Harvey grumbled.

"Some people have no lives," Joker replied.

"Like we're any better?" Selina asked. "We're looking at this site, we read the updates on our phones, and we gossip about the gossip! The Tipster puts this stuff out there because people read it. It's human nature to be curious. And Joker so help me if you make a curiosity killed the cat joke."

Joker pantomimed zipping his lip and turned back to the computer.

"So are you saying we should all ignore this stuff and pretend like it's not happening?" Harley asked.

"No. It's too late for that. We need to nip it in the butt. It was one thing when it was just us, it was slightly less tolerable when it spread to the Justice League, it's a whole nother ball game when everyone in Gotham is treating us like the Upper East Side on Gossip Girl," Selina explained.

"I love that show," Harley murmured.

"It's a good show."

"There are some people on here from all over the place! Metropolis, Bludhaven, London, Los Angeles, New Orleans, Sidney, literally everywhere!" Ivy exclaimed.

"Forget nipping it in the butt, let's kill them," Twoface fumed.

* * *

Sage walked into Arkham Asylum in the best of moods. She whistled all the way to her office, smiled at all the orderlies, and greeted all the doctors. When she got to her office, Ashley, the secretary, followed her in.

"Good morning," Sage greeted.

"You're in a good mood," Ashley replied leaning up against the door frame.

"I had a good night last night."

"I can only imagine." Sage didn't like the smile Ashley was sporting but decided to just ignore it. "Anyway," Ashley continued, "Dr. Arkham would like a word with you."

"When?"

"Now." Ashley turned and stomped out of the room.

Sage rolled her eyes. She trekked upstairs to the good doctor's office. It was like going to the principal's office in school. You were all nervous even when you had done nothing wrong. She poked her head in the door, "Good morning."

"Come in and close the door," Arkham ordered.

Sage did as she was told, her smile falling only a little.

Arkham turned his computer screen toward her. The Tipster site was up and there was a picture of her exiting the Iceberg Lounge with Johnny close behind. Sage's eyes went wide and she wasn't smiling anymore.

"I used to think this website was pure ridiculousness and I told the staff not to pay it any attention but when one of the nurses showed me this," he said gesturing to the screen, "I couldn't ignore it. There are all kinds of gossip on here about you and Mr. Crane!"

Sage hung her head and tried her hardest not to cry.

"I have gone through all the security tapes and there is no evidence of you abetting Mr. Crane's latest escape and there is no evidence you started a relationship with him while he was incarcerated, but there is clearly evidence you are involved with him now. I have no choice but to let you go. The board has also decided your license will be revoked."

"Will I be incarcerated?"

"No. While it is inappropriate it hasn't crossed into illegal. You haven't quite stepped into Harleen Quinzel country yet my dear and I hope you never do. I hope you learn from this and get rid of that felon. Move on, meet a sane person."

Sage got up out of the chair and headed for the door. "Thank you Dr. Arkham."

"What for?"

"For making my life so much easier." She smiled, gave a little wave, and practically danced out of the asylum.

* * *

"There's a website?" Eddie asked in disbelief making his way to his computer.

"Yup. We checked it out this morning. There's more on there than what we get," Selina explained.

Eddie quickly pulled the website up and nearly dropped the phone. "Why?"

"You should look at the subscribers, they're from all over the place."

"But why are people subscribing to this lunatic?"

"Like you don't hold your breath every time your phones beeps, hoping the Tipster broke the story that Holly and Dick broke up," Selina joked.

"Shut up." He scrolled through the pictures, thankful he didn't see one of him. "At least I'm out of the news."

"Lucky."

"Yeah, there's a great one of you flipping off your boyfriend."

Selina rolled her eyes and looked over at Bruce who was busy at his computer, trying to track the Tipster off the website. "It happens."

"Trouble in paradise?"

"No. Maybe. I don't know yet," she admitted. "This is getting too deep for me. I'm going to go."

"Aw but we were just scratching the surface," Eddie joked.

"Hey, I got a riddle for you. What's black and blue and red all over?"

"My sorry ass if I don't drop this conversation?"

"Bingo."

"Goodbye."

* * *

"We should go to Venice," Harvey said as he clicked away on the computer.

"Ok. Let me get my magic wand and wave it around," Ivy replied.

"I'm serious. It's the perfect place to get away from all this madness."

"I think you're still delirious from the blood loss last night."

"We need a fresh start," Harvey told her.

"You want to move to Venice?" Ivy slapped her magazine down onto the coffee table. "That's ridiculous! All our friends are here! Our lives are here!"

"I don't want to move there I want to go there for a vacation! Jesus!"

Ivy just stared at him, dumbfounded.

"We go for a couple weeks, maybe more if we like it, and just relax, get back to you and me.

She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him in disbelief.

"Don't look at me like that."

"So is this like our honeymoon then?"

Harvey got up, walked over to the couch, and scooped Ivy up in his arms. "Exactly. A honeymoon." He started kissing her neck, causing Ivy to wiggle in his grip.

"Alright I give! When do we leave?" she laughed.

"In three weeks. I already booked everything."

"Cocky much?"

Harvey smiled at her. "No, I was just going with or without you."

"And who would you be taking if I said no?"

"I don't know. Maybe Talia Al Ghul."

Ivy leapt out of his arms and punched him playfully on the shoulder. "Ass."

* * *

"They fired me!" Sage yelled excitedly as she burst through the door jumping up and down.

"What?" Johnny cried.

"They fired me and revoked my license!" She did a little dance into the kitchen to get a glass of water.

"I'm going to repeat, what?"

"There's a Tipster website and apparently the nurses read it. The website had a picture of us walking out of the Iceberg and Dr. Arkham decided it was bad for business to have me working there. They pulled my papers because of the fact that you're my patient."

"They didn't arrest you?" Johnny asked in disbelief.

"Nope. Said I technically didn't do anything illegal so." She shrugged.

"And you're happy about this?"

"I thought I'd be upset but after everything was out there in the open I felt relieved. I mean, being a psychoanalyst was great and all but it wasn't my thing. Let's face it, I wasn't that great."

"So what are you going to do now?"

"Live off the trust fund for awhile until I find something. Or not. I don't know and for the first time I don't care. I have plenty of money and an amazing man to share it with," she answered gleefully.

"Must be nice being rich," Johnny joked.

"Absolutely amazing." She dropped down onto the couch and planted a kiss on his cheek. "You'll get used to it."

"Being a kept man…sounds good."

* * *

"It seems everyone is warm and cozy in their homes today which leaves me with nothing to talk about. Oh wait! Here's something on the interesting side, Oswald Cobblepot has been spotted buying a bouquet of what appear to be lilies. I wonder who the lucky lady is. Maybe Eddie should lock the door."

* * *

"My Christmas wish come true," Eddie mumbled snapping his phone closed. "God please take my girlfriend!" He walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee.

"Where are you going?" Scarlet asked eyeing him.

"Nowhere. Just felt like being dressed."

"Hmph."

"Did you see the latest? Oswald is buying flowers for someone."

"Slow news day huh?"

"They're lilies," Eddie continued.

Scarlet glanced up from her magazine, shrugged, and went back to reading.

"Aren't lilies your favorite?"

"They're a lot of girls' favorite. They're a popular flower. I do believe Holly is fond of them too," she replied nonchalantly.

"Holly likes lilacs."

"You would know."

Eddie sipped his coffee. He didn't want to fight anymore.

"So you're not going out today?"

"Expecting someone?"

"No, just asking."

"I wasn't planning on it but suddenly I need some fresh air." He got up from the table and left her sitting there.

* * *

"Hey I know I got to work tonight but how about we grab an early dinner? I was thinking that little Chinese place with the crab ragoon you love so much," Holly said pulling her hair back into a ponytail.

Dick sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. He knew this moment was going to suck. "We need to talk."

Holly stopped messing with her hair and turned around to look at him. "Really?"

"Look Holl…"

"I make one catty remark and you fly off the handle," she interjected.

"No! It's not the bitchiness. It's the moping and pining for Eddie, it's the fact we have nothing in common, but mostly it's that I love Barbara and we're getting back together," Dick explained.

She picked her hair brush up off the bathroom counter and hurled it at him, followed by the hand soap, her toothbrush, a large bottle of lotion, and her blow dryer. "I knew it! I fucking knew it!"

Dick blocked his face and bolted out of the bathroom but Holly was on his tail. She picked up the vase on the hallway table and hurled it past him into the wall. "You want to talk about pining and moping! The only reason you asked me out was because she was dating that loser and the second you told me they broke up I knew you'd bolt!" There was a picture of her and Dick from Christmas hanging on the wall, she grabbed it and threw it at him. "Every time you said you loved me it was a load of bullshit!"

"Holly stop!" Dick rushed her, grabbing her hands and holding them behind her back. "Just stop. None of that is true. I genuinely like you, I love you, I just don't love in that way. At least not anymore."

She started crying and collapsed against him. "I hate you."

"No, you don't. Face it, you don't love me either." He rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head. "I don't want to lose you completely, I love spending time with you and if you give her a chance, I'm sure you and Barbara would be good friends. And this is the start of making things right. You need to be with Eddie. Then Scarlet can go makeup with Oswald and the world will be at peace."

Holly laughed. "I'm sorry I threw things."

"I'm sorry I suck as a person."

"Yeah, you kind of do."

They pulled away from each other and smiled. "It's not the end, it's just the beginning," Dick told her.

"I know."

* * *

"It seems Eddie has nothing to worry about. Ozzie's flowers are for a different bird. It looks like he has a new mystery brunette. And look who else we've found, Harley and Joker walking out of McDonalds. Careful Harl, those fries will go right to your thighs."

* * *

"What a bitch," Alice said looking at her text.

"What did it say? Although I'm sure I can guess," Eddie sighed.

"It says Ozzie's flowers are for some brunette and Harley and Joker were spotted at McD's, and then she made a catty comment about the fries and Harley's thighs."

"Didn't Harley call you fat?" Jervis asked.

"Yeah but she was just cranky because we were wearing the same dress," Alice replied.

"No, she genuinely doesn't like you anymore. People are saying you're a young Harley, implying she's old," Eddie explained.

"Oh, well, can't fault her for that."

Eddie and Jervis just stared at her.

"What? That would be totally hurtful if someone said that! I'd react the same way."

"I don't understand women at all," Jervis replied.

"I'm pretty sure we're not meant to," Eddie told him.

"Oh my pink puffy poodle puppies!" Alice exclaimed jumping up from her chair.

"What the hell?" Eddie asked. "What are pink puffy poodle puppies?"

Jervis shrugged. "I just go with it."

"Shut the front door! You're not going to believe this!"

"The door is closed," Eddie replied confused.

"No, never mind, just shut up and listen. Holly just texted me and said that Dick is back with Barbara!"

"I bet she's pissed," Jervis whistled.

"She was but now she's chill with the whole thing. But isn't that great?" Alice cried looking at Eddie.

"Why is that great?"

"Because dumbass! She's single! Go propose or at least ask her out! Oh my stars! If you get married you'll be my brother! Oh and then if Jervy and I get married you two will be brothers!"

Eddie blinked a couple of times and tried to shake the ringing out of his ear. The girl was screaming like a banshee. "You are forgetting one thing."

"What?" Alice and Jervis asked in unison.

"Scarlet. If I dump her I'm more than sure she'll castrate me."

"True dat."

"And now that Oswald is with some other girl I'll never get rid of her."

"You could kill her," Jervis offered.

Eddie thought about it for a moment. "No. I couldn't."

"You could have Joker kill her."

"I could."

Alice grabbed a pillow and started beating Eddie and Jervis with it. "You're not killing Scarlet!"

* * *

Ivy and Selina sat at the bar of the Iceberg, sipping their drinks and spying on Harley and Joker in the corner.

"So what time is Bruce getting here?" Ivy asked.

"8:30," Selina replied.

"Only two hours late," Ivy joked.

Selina snorted. "I'm so sick of this."

"Have you talked about it?"

"You ever try talking to a man about anything? They're not too responsive."

Ivy nodded in agreement. "Still, you should try."

"When are you and Harvey leaving?" Selina asked changing the subject. She had grown tired of the spotlight.

"Three weeks from today."

"Are you excited?"

"You know what? I am. At first I was apprehensive but the more I think about it the more I can't wait to go."

"You'll have fun," Selina assured her.

Holly walked behind the bar to relieve the other girl. "Ladies, what are we drinking tonight?"

"Everything and anything," Selina replied handing her the empty glass.

"You're pretty chipper tonight," Ivy commented.

"Dick and I broke up," Holly replied. "Here, royal flush."

"Shouldn't you be upset?" Selina asked taking the drink.

"Naw. We're just better friends than we are a couple. Besides, we all know I'm in love with someone else."

"Speak of the devil." Ivy nodded toward the door where Eddie and Scarlet were checking their coats.

"How are you going to shake her loose?" Selina asked.

"I don't know yet."

* * *

"If we paint the walls white we can get that cute little jungle animals border from the home store and then we can get the matching wall stickers too," Joker explained while pointing to the piece of paper he had with the sketch of the baby's room. "The rocking chair goes here, crib over here next to the changing table…"

All Harley heard was a strange buzzing noise and the word baby. It was like a scene from a horror movie only she was hoping it was a nightmare and Freddy Krueger would pop out at any moment and cut her chest open.

"If we can get pregnant by mid March we could have a Christmas baby!"

Baby, buzz, baby, baby, baby, buzz, buzz, baby, buzz, baby, baby, buzz, baby, buzz, buzz, buzz, baby.

"Just think, you'll be as round as Santa Claus!"

Suddenly, something in Harley's mind snapped. Her eye started to twitch and she developed this strange tick that made all her muscles jump at once. She felt the foam forming in her mouth and she let loose. "ENOUGH!"

Joker stopped pointing at the paper and stared at her open mouthed.

"NO! No! No! No no! No! We're done. This is done. The baby is done. I tried to go with it but I can't. I would rather shave me head and join a Tibetan order of monks on a mountain than have a baby. I don't want a freaking baby! You know what I want? I want to be able to come home, throw you on the kitchen table, and just go at it like a porno! I want to go out until 3 in the morning! I want to rob a bank, tussle with Batman, go to Arkham, and break out to do it all over again! All things we can't have with a baby!"

"But I thought…"

"You thought wrong!" She reached into her purse and pulled out her birth control. "I've been secretly taking these," she shook them for emphasis causing them to fly all over the place, "to prevent babies."

Joker slouched in his chair and tried to hide his face. Everyone was staring.

Harley sighed and dropped back down into her chair. "I'm sorry."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You were so excited about having a baby I didn't want to rain on your parade."

Joker looked around him. "And this was better?"

"Sorry, I lost my mind."

"I was beginning to have second thoughts anyway," Joker admitted.

Harley tossed her now empty birth control packet at him and laughed.

* * *

"Hey Holly," Selina called.

"What's up?"

"Is this a roofie in my drink?" Selina asked pointing to the pill in her royal flush.

"What the hell?" Holly fished it out and laid the pill on the bar. "What is that?"

"It looks like a birth control pill," Ivy told them.

They looked around them, noticing several more on the bar and floor.

"Alright then," Selina sighed.

* * *

"I have to pee," Scarlet said suddenly jumping up from the table.

"Lovely," Eddie replied. That was the first conversation they had had since he came home from Jervis's.

Scarlet made her way over to the ladies room and then deviated quickly into Oswald's office. She closed the door behind her and leaned up against it. "Hello."

Oswald looked up at her. "Hello. Sit?" he asked gesturing to the chair in front of him.

"Thank you."

"Anything I can do for you?"

Scarlet thought for a moment. She had planned an entire speech but now she couldn't remember a word of it. She decided to cut to the point. "Who were the flowers for?"

He sighed, pushed all his papers aside, and focused solely on her. "Scarlet."

"If you're seeing someone its fine, I just want to know. You know about me and Eddie, I think it's only fair."

"I'm not seeing anyone."

"The Tipster caught you! You can't lie about it!" Scarlet cried.

"The Tipster saw me talking to Bernadette from the bank. I happened across her at the coffee shop I frequent. We chatted. I gave her the flowers to smell. There is nothing going on," he explained.

"Bullshit."

Oswald reached down under his desk and pulled the vase full of lilies up onto his desk. "Satisfied?"

"Why did you buy flowers?"

"Three years ago today, you started working at the Iceberg. I know you quit but I was hoping you'd come back."

"Oh."

He pushed the vase toward her. "I think of it as our anniversary. Last year we had champagne."

"You never bought Holly flowers," Scarlet remarked sniffing the lilies.

"I don't like Holly the way I like you."

"You told me we couldn't be together."

"I've decided life is too short to worry about what people will think. And if you'll have me…"

Scarlet lunged across the desk and kissed him, hard, on the lips.

* * *

"Where's Scarlet?" Holly asked cheerfully as she sat Eddie's drink down on the table.

"Making out with Oswald in his office. She thinks I didn't see her sneak in there. What happened to my waitress?"

"I wanted to see how you're doing so I told her I'd bring your beer."

"I see."

"So how are you?"

"Fine."

"Is it over between you two?"

Eddie shrugged. "It is if he decides to date her."

"Fingers crossed huh?"

"You have no idea."

"We'll have to got to singles bars together," she joked.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Dick is back with Barbara."

"I'm sorry."

Holly shrugged. "It's life." She turned to walk away but not before she discreetly slipped a piece of paper into Eddie's pocket.

* * *

"So where's Harvey tonight?" Selina asked.

"Should be here in a minute. He wanted a nap," Ivy replied.

"Hi girls!" Roxy Rocket beamed as she took the stool next to Selina.

"Well look who's crawled out of the gutter," Ivy joked.

"Where've you been?" Selina asked.

"Arkham. Where else?"

"What brings you out?"

"I was bored. I needed a little zing in my life again," she replied.

"Lucky for us huh?" Selina said sarcastically.

"I hear you're dating Bruce Wayne. Where is the hunk of meat?"

"Working."

"And where's Harvey?"

"Here," Harvey replied gruffly as he stepped up behind Ivy.

Ivy mouthed a thank god.

"Let's grab our table," Harvey told her grabbing Selina by the arm. "You too."

* * *

"Hey Eddie, um I…" Scarlet began.

"Want to break up because you're with the Penguin now? Great. Toodles!" Eddie said excitedly jumping up from the table. "You can come by whenever and get your stuff!" He danced out the door, into a cab, and all the way home.

* * *

Selina walked into the Batcave. She was a little more than irritated. "Hi!" she cried in her fakest happy voice.

"Hey, I thought I was meeting you at 9:00?" Bruce asked turning to face her.

"8:30," she corrected.

"Either way."

"It's 2 in the morning," she told him dropping the happy voice.

"Oh, shit, Selina, I'm…"

She held up her hand to silence him. "Don't."

"I'll make it up to you."

"You can't keep doing this to me. I know work is very important to you…"

"I'm keeping a city safe," he said cutting her off.

"I know. I'm not criticizing you I'm trying to explain how I feel! You neglect me at every turn and you always say you'll make it up to me but you haven't. At first I didn't kind but now it's like I'm your welcome mat."

"I've been tracking down the Tipster for you."

"No!" Selina yelled. "Don't you dare! You are doing that for yourself because you don't want everyone in Gotham thinking you're a crook or a degenerate. You could care less if it was just about me and my friends."

"I put up with your friends!"

Selina balled her hands into fists and fought back the rage. "This isn't about that! This is about me being in a relationship with your butler because you keep running out on me!"

"Let's talk about this later," Bruce sighed turning away from her.

"That'd be fine if later ever came. You know, Harley went off on a psychotic tangent at the Iceberg and threw birth control pills everywhere yelling at the Joker. He listened. He contributed to the conversation. You're just deflecting everything."

The computer went off and Bruce growled. "I have to go."

"Of course," she snapped.

"Batman has to take priority!" Bruce yelled whirling back around to face her.

"And there it is," she said sadly.

"What do you want from me Selina?"

She thought about it and shook her head. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

"Then what the hell…oh." Bruce realized then that she was ending it.

"I can't love you and not get anything back."

"I love you."

"Not as much as you love the job. And that's fine."

"Don't do this."

"I wish I could say I was sorry."


	12. Someone To Call My Lover

Someone To Call My Lover

Author's Note: Further adventures in the workplace! Today I worked our front desk and a customer came in to pay his mortgage. I immediately noticed his Batman shirt and made the mistake of thinking we were brothers of the cape (even though I am a girl). So I squeal out "Oh my god I love Batman! I'm Joker obsessed! I have all the Harley Quinn merchandise pretty much and majority of her comics! I'm getting the Joker tattooed on my hip for my birthday (I am. I'm stealing HQ's hip tatt from the new Arkham City)!" and this guy just stared at me and the look on his face was of "You smacked my 85 yr old grandmother in the face with a Lake Erie fish". So I just gave him his change and said "I really like Batman." And he replied "Yeah. I just like the 2 new movies. Hope they do a 3rd." and he left. Loser.

* * *

Harvey staggered into the kitchen, following the smell of pancakes and coffee. It was 8:00 am and he couldn't figure out why Ivy was up, let alone making breakfast. He gripped the chair, eased into it, and grumbled "Morning".

"Morning!" Selina chirped flipping a pancake.

"What are you doing up?" Harvey asked as he rubbed his eyes just to make sure it was in fact Selina and not Ivy.

"I was hungry so I figured I'd make breakfast. Now, they're not Harley's extra amazing chocolate chip pancakes but I think they'll be good."

Harvey blinked. Which question to tackle first? "You think?"

"I've never actually made pancakes…or any food. I'm not all that domestic."

He nodded. Starting out the morning with death pancakes, breakfast of champions. He mentally prepared himself for the possible gastro intestinal pain that would come that afternoon. "Do you live here?"

"Yes."

"Really? I thought you moved in with Bruce."

"No. I was just staying there a lot."

"Everyday for nearly three months."

Selina slapped a stack of pancakes onto a plate and sat them in front of Harvey with a cup of coffee. "Well, you'll be seeing me more often. Bruce and I are over."

"Again?"

"Yup."

Ivy stumbled into the kitchen, hair sticking up at all angles, and grabbed the chair across from Harvey. She glanced up at Selina and said "What are you doing here?"

"I live here!"

"I thought you moved out."

"My stuff is still in my room."

"I don't go in there," Ivy replied.

"Here, have some pancakes." Selina sat a plate down in front of Ivy.

Ivy stared at them as if they would move at any moment. Unlike Harvey, Ivy knew Selina's domestic skills were sub-par. She learned the hard way when she ingested a half cooked chicken. She glanced up at Harvey, mentally telling him to take the first bite. He replied with a look of "Hell no".

"Aren't you guys hungry?" Selina asked.

Ivy and Harvey continued their staring contest.

"For god's sake, they're fine look," Selina tried to stick her fork in one but she couldn't break the surface. She picked it up and the flapjack was rock hard. "Ok, I did something wrong."

"They're like a discus!" Harvey laughed.

"More like a weapon," Ivy teased.

Selina pouted. "You guys suck."

Harvey picked up one of the pancakes and gave it a toss at the door. Just as it reached its destination, Harley opened the door and the pancake smacked Joker in the face.

"What in the hell?" Joker yelled grabbing his nose.

Harvey was laughing so hard he had to leave the room before he peed in his pajamas. Ivy hid her smile behind her hand and Selina angrily tossed the remainder of her breakfast into the trash.

"Why are you throwing plates at me?" Joker cried.

"It's not a plate it's a friggin' pancake!" Selina screamed.

"Made of cement? Jesus Christ!"

"Why are you two here so early?" Ivy asked holding back the giggles.

"We thought it might be nice to go out for breakfast," Harley replied.

"But since we're being treated with such hostility you can just kiss my pasty ass!" Joker barked.

"Honestly, we didn't know anyone was coming in when Harvey threw it," Ivy assured him.

Harley gave Joker a little peck on the nose and joined Ivy and Selina at the table. "What are you doing here?"

"I live here! Why can't anyone remember that?"

"I thought you moved in with Bruce."

"I was just staying there. Anyway, I'll be here all the time now. Bruce and I broke up."

"Oh no! I like Brucie!" Joker cried from the couch.

"You can still talk to him. I'm not out for blood this time."

Ivy took a sip of her coffee and gagged. "What in the hell?" She walked over to the coffee pot and pulled out the little compartment where the coffee goes. "Selina, you didn't put a filter in here."

"So where are we going for breakfast?"

* * *

Eddie rolled out of bed somewhere around 10:00 am, when the sunlight couldn't be ignored any longer. He tried to piece his night back together. He remembered leaving the Iceberg, coming home, and then…nothing. He yawned, immediately closed his mouth, and made a beeline for the bathroom to brush his teeth. Tequila. Clearly he had too much tequila. And possibly vomited. There was too much breath stank to be just alcohol. He strolled into the living room, laid down on the couch, and looked around. Something was off. It was quiet…NO SCARLET! Eddie jumped up and resumed his little happy dance from the night before. Things started coming back to him. Scarlet was with Oswald, making him happy dance all the way home. When he got there he decided he should celebrate his new found bachelorhood so he went to that little dive bar where Joe the bartender worked. From there the night was still a bit hazy. He vaguely remembered getting up on the bar for a Coyote Ugly style dance number and buying a round for the entire bar.

He reached into his pocket to make sure he had remembered his wallet and found that, plus a folded up piece of paper. He smoothed the note out on his table and it said "i am jete". He pressed his palms into his eyes and read it again. "i am jete". What the hell did that mean? Who was jete? Why were they writing him notes? Was it 7th grade again? He shuddered at the memory of being wedgied by 9th grade boys and went back to the note. Perhaps it was an anagram. He fished around in the table drawer for a pencil and then set out to work. Which was rather difficult being hung over and all. "Mate Jie" obviously wrong. "Jai mite" what the hell was that? He walked into his kitchen and poured a glass of water. He couldn't do this now. He needed to kick the throbbing pain in his head.

* * *

"Can I get more smiley face pancakes and another coke?" Joker asked with his mouth full of whipped cream.

"Anything else?" the waitress sighed.

"This time I want whipped cream eyebrows and beard to go with the whipped cream hair."

"I think you've had enough sugar, Puddin'," Harley said carefully.

"I'll tell you when I've had enough! Now, bring me my freaking happy faced pancakes with whipped cream!"

"He gets cranky when he's had too much sugar," Harley whispered to Selina.

"I do not!" he whined.

Selina nodded and smiled. "Ok then."

The waitress tossed a plate of pancakes onto the table with some whipped cream slapped on top.

Joker grimaced. "They're not smiling."

The waitress turned around, took a knife off the table, and cut two eyes and smiley face into the pancake. "Happy?"

"Yes," he replied sinking down in his chair like a three year old. "See if I tip you."

"So what are you going to do tonight?" Ivy asked Selina.

She shrugged. "I don't know. Sit around the apartment I guess."

"Puddin' and I are going to a movie, you want to come?"

"No, I don't want to be a third wheel. Maybe I'll go to dinner."

"By yourself?" Harvey asked.

"Sure. Why not?"

No one said anything. They all just played with their food.

"It's not that pathetic. I've done it before."

"No, it's very progressive," Harley said.

Selina rolled her eyes. "I'm not going to be the sad little single girl in the group. I'm going to go out there, have fun, and meet someone new."

"There's the attitude!" Joker cheered.

"Where are you going to go to do all this?" Ivy questioned.

"No clue."

* * *

"Hey slugger," Dick said as he punched Bruce in the arm. "Beautiful morning."

"Mmmm" Bruce grunted.

"Someone looks cranky." Dick pouted and jabbed him in the ribs. "What's up big guy?"

Bruce glared at him. "Have you always been such a smartass?"

"It's part of my charm."

"Selina dumped me."

"Oh come ON!" Dick cried. "Why can't anything just work out?"

"I think you're being a little dramatic. I'm the one who got dumped."

"No! The universe was supposed to be restored. I'm with Barbara again and I guess Scarlet is with the Penguin so it's only a matter of time until Holly and Riddler get it right. But oh no! Here comes Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle all ready to cock everything up!"

"I'm sorry I ruined your life! If I slit my wrists will this restore your balance?"

"No! Then Selina will still be all out there being single."

"Should I make it a murder/suicide?"

"It would only be right."

Bruce stared at Dick for a good five minutes before he said, "I know it was a sarcastic conversation but I can't help but think you mean it a little."

"Slightly. But I'd be happier if you apologized for whatever you did wrong, and yes you probably did screw it up so just do it, and get her back."

"You always take her side."

"Because I know you and I have watched you sabotage and ruin more relationships that anyone else in the history of the world. King Henry the VIII has nothing on you."

"Why are you here? You don't live here anymore."

"Fine. Thought we were family and I could come by and spread my cheer, but no. You got a stick up your ass so big it's practically a tree."

"Yes. Yes I do and I would like to be alone with my stick."

"You should go out and have some fun," Dick said taking a seat.

"Why aren't you leaving?"

"Seriously, go out tonight and have some fun."

"I have to patrol."

"No, see, you don't. And I'm guessing this is where you and Selina fell apart. You think you have to patrol but the truth is Tim and I can cover it. We seriously have it down. But you have to be in control all the time so you started to slowly write Selina off and go back to being all Batman no Bruce Wayne," Dick explained.

"Thank you Dr. Phil."

"Yeah, ok. I've only been watching you screw up every good thing you've ever had for umpteen years. Whatever man. You have to figure it out yourself I guess." Dick got up and headed for the door. "But you know what, when I'm 70 years old I'm going to have Barbara, children, and grandchildren and I'm going to be able to say I've had a full life. You're going to have this house and probably Alfred's body stuffed like a deer. You're going to be lonely because you are going to slowly write us all off."

Bruce watched Dick leave. Was he right? Was he going to end up old and lonely? No. Surely one of the Rogue's would get smart and kill his ass. His money was on Harley. She was a ditz but she had the right skills. "That's depressing," he thought out loud. "Ok, I'm going to go out and try to have fun."

* * *

Selina stood in the obnoxiously long line at Starbucks, tapping her foot, checking her watch, and making annoyed sighs. Java chip frappacino! All she wanted was a java chip frappacino. Was it so much to ask for? Apparently it was because fate threw in a line a so long you'd think the Pope was working the counter. She checked her watch again, 12:13. She'd been in line 13 minutes. She had invested too much time to leave now. She had to see it through and claim her prize. "I'm getting an extra mocha pump," she grunted to herself.

"Selina?" Holly called from behind her. She turned around and waved. Holly walked over to her in line holding, you guessed it, a java chip frappacino. Selina eyed it and for a second thought about stealing it. "Sip?" Holly offered.

"No thanks. I'm waiting for my own. I've been here so long it's like I need to prove I can do it."

"Right," Holly said with a smile.

"I'm not crazy, just caffeine deprived."

"Is that like the mantra of the Rogues? I'm not crazy?" Holly asked.

"Yes. It's the first thing they teach you when they hand you your costume."

"Good news, sarcasm still intact."

Selina laughed. "Sorry, I'm a little cranky."

"Nothing new."

Selina looked at the people in front of her. "Only 10 more minutes," she mused.

"I'll wait with you so you have someone to talk to instead of muttering to yourself like a not-crazy person."

"Thanks." Selina exhaled and then a thought hit her. "You're single!"

"Yes. We discussed this last night."

"You want to go out tonight?"

"I'm single, not a lesbian. Not that there is anything wrong with it, I'm just a fan of men."

"No!" Selina cried. "I meant we go out as friends for a single girl's night out."

"You want me to be your wingman huh?"

"Basically."

"I'm in."

* * *

Bruce walked into the Gotham Country Club and put on the million dollar playboy smile. He was determined to have a good time tonight, even if it killed him. He took a seat at the bar, ordered a gin and tonic, and watched the people around him. They were couples mostly. The crème de la crème of Gotham society. Melinda Westchester, the matriarch of one of Gotham's oldest families, took a seat next to him at the bar. "Mrs. Westchester, nice to see you again," he greeted.

"I've known you since you were born Bruce, call me Mel or at least Melinda for god's sake," she replied. "Hey, barkeep! I'm dry down here. Martini one olive."

He smiled. Melinda was like Mae West or Molly Brown. She didn't fit in with Gotham's elite and she would tell you how it is whether you wanted to hear it or not.

"What are you doing here? I heard the Iceberg was your new hangout," Mel asked.

"Oh, something different," he lied.

"Really? I heard your little chippie dumped you."

He rolled his eyes. "Word travels fast."

"My oldest ran into Dick this afternoon. She asked how you were doing and he told her."

"I need to get that boy a muzzle."

"Eh, he's a good kid. Concerned about you."

Bruce nodded.

"Him and Tim both are good kids. They're lucky to have you."

"Thank you."

"So how did you cock this one up?"

He spit out the sip of scotch he had in his mouth and laughed. "Jesus!"

"I'm old son, I don't have time to waste with social graces."

"I worked too much and I put her on the back burner." He thought about it for a second and then said, "I lied. I took her off the stove all together."

"Isn't this the young woman you've been chasing around town for too damn long?"

"Selina, yeah."

"Sometimes you chase someone so long you build up this great expectation and fantasy in your head. Then you get the real thing and it's not the same as you imagined. Maybe you just realized that she wasn't everything you thought and you pushed her aside."

"Maybe."

"Or maybe that was a line of bullshit and you should get your ass over to her and apologize. Buy her a giant diamond, you're too far in the hole for flowers."

"She's still rather mad."

"Then wait a couple days, rewrite your priorities, and then try. But get out of here. This place is for the old and the gold diggers."

"You're a good woman Mel," Bruce told her as he got up to leave.

"I know. That's why I wouldn't let my daughter date you, trying to be a good mother."

Bruce laughed. "And you're a pistol."

"Quit kissing my ass and go."

* * *

Harley tapped her foot impatiently as Joker scoured the theatre looking for "the seat". A simple night out, that's what they had agreed, but it was turning into anything but. From the moment they left Joker had, argued with the cab driver, left 2 movie theatres because of snack-related complaints, and now he was parking his butt in every seat until he found "the one". Finally he flagged her down to the first row of bleacher seats with the bar. She plopped down next to him and glared.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing. Nothing what so ever."

"Give me some popcorn!"

Harley handed him the bag and continued staring at him.

"There isn't enough butter. I'm going to…"

"No!" she yelled. "You're gonna sit here and eat the popcorn exactly as it is."

"Why am I being treated like a child all the time?"

"You're acting like one."

Joker wiggled his eyebrows and pulled her in for a kiss. "Was that childish?"

"No sir!" She kissed him again until they were interrupted by an "aw". They broke apart and looked next to them.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to ruin the moment. You guys are just a really cute couple," the brunette said.

"Oh, thank you," Harley replied. "You look really familiar."

"I couldn't remember if you said skittles or sour skittles so I got both," Johnny said as he took a seat next to the brunette. "Joker!" he cried tossing the candy, popcorn, and drinks into the air.

"Johnny!" Joker shouted jumping up to shake the man's hand. "So this is Sage huh?"

"Hi I'm Harley." The girls shook hands.

"We…we'll just get out of your way," Johnny told them trying to pull Sage up.

"No! Stay! We'll make it a doubles night! You eaten yet?" Joker asked.

"Uh...we…um…" Johnny stuttered.

"No, we were going to grab something after the movie," Sage answered.

"Swell! We'll all go together. Get to know each other." Joker wrapped an arm around her and gave a squeeze. "Welcome to the family."

* * *

"So, what's the type we're looking for?" Holly asked as she took a sip from her cocktail.

"I'm not really looking for anything. I'm just out to enjoy myself," Selina replied.

"You said you wanted a wingman."

"I did but I'm thinking dating is a little too much right now."

"Oh come on! Have a fling."

"Are you going to have a fling?"

"If I see something worth flinging, yeah I'm going to fling it. I'm going to fling the hell out of it," Holly told her.

"Thank you for that look into your personal life."

"You asked."

"A simple yes."

"You should go talk to someone."

"I suck at approaching people."

"Liar! I've seen you talk to guys at the Iceberg all the time."

"That's when I'm working. This is different."

"Just pretend you're working."

"I might get caught up and actually rob the poor bastard."

"This is going to be harder than I thought."

* * *

"Joker spotted causing an uproar at the movies with an embarrassed looking Harley. Selina out with Holly. Scarlet and Oswald haven't been seen at all. And it looks like Eddie has a new favorite bar. Is there a saucy, down to earth, Taylor Swift look-a-like there too?"

* * *

Bruce quickly turned the car around and headed for the bar in the picture. He was fairly familiar with the joint. The bartender heard all the "dock gossip". He knew whose shipments were coming in when and what they were and he had no problem sharing the information with Batman, for a price. He parked across the street but didn't get out of the car right away. Was he really going to go hang out with the Riddler? There was a knock on his window and he looked up to see Dick, or Nightwing rather.

"Hi!" Nightwing said with a wave.

"Can I help you?"

"How's your night going?"

"I ran into Melinda Westchester. Thanks for spreading the word."

"Anytime. Barbara says hi."

"Hello Barbara."

"What are you doing here?"

"Eddie is here. I'm going to join him for a drink."

Nightwing nodded. "Cool."

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh, robbery a block over. I was close to the area so I figured I'd take care of it instead of waiting for the cops. Then I saw your car and figured I'd follow you."

"Can I go in now?"

"Yes citizen! Return to your nightly activities."

"Thank you."

"Don't drink and drive!" Nightwing called after him.

Bruce flipped him off.

"Love you!"

* * *

"That guy has been eyeing you for awhile now," Holly commented nodding over to the guy in question.

"Yeah?"

"He's kind of cute."

Selina glanced in his direction. "I guess."

"You guess? He's dark haired, tall, built. Looks a little like Bruce."

"He even has blue eyes."

"You can see that far?"

"They're brighter than Bruce's," Selina went on.

"Go say hi."

"I can't."

Holly rolled her eyes.

* * *

"So then I carefully slipped the jello into the back of his pants just as he was sitting down and SPLAT!" Joker laughed.

"Yeah it was really funny," Johnny said turning a brighter shade of pink. The dinner had been spent telling funny, or embarrassing, stories about Johnny. The latest was the jello prank. Before that was whipped cream in the mask. And before that was him feartoxining himself when Joker put the nozzle on backward. Nothing Johnny had found amusing.

Sage wiped a tear from her eye and giggled a little more. "I can just imagine it."

Harley glanced over at Johnny and felt a pang of guilt. "Ok Puddin' that's enough."

"One more! This other time in Arkham…" Joker began.

"Oh! Let me tell it," Harley begged.

"Ok."

"So we're in Arkham and Batman drags Johnny into the TV room and Joker gets this great idea to embarrass Batman."

Joker cocked an eyebrow, this wasn't the story he was thinking of.

"He pulls one of the tubes out of Batman's belt thinking it's a flash bomb and he can give it a little toss and pants Batman. He hits the button thinking it's going to detonate but in reality its mace and he gets it right in the eye."

"Harley," Joker said through clenched teeth.  
"Now he's rolling around on the floor grabbing his face yelling 'my eyes!' and Batman is just fighting back the smile but everyone else in the room is laughing. Joker tries to get up and get to the bathroom but he hits the door and goes back down. Batman had to carry him, infant style, to the bathroom and wash his eyes out!"

The table erupted into a fit of laughter except Joker, who just glared at Harley. She smiled and kissed his cheek. "Don't dish out what you can't take," she whispered.

* * *

"Hi," Bruce said timidly as he took a seat next to Eddie. "Mind if I join you?"

"No, please," Eddie replied. "What brings you out here?"

"You."

Eddie slid his seat away from Bruce slightly. "I know you and Selina are on the outs again but I don't think you should do anything rash."

Bruce looked confused for a second. "What? What are you…NO!" He yelled jumping up and running a hand through his hair. "No, you're safe."

"Just checking."

"You're not my type," Bruce joked sitting back down.

"Why not?" he asked slightly offended.

"It was a joke."

"So if you were gay would I be your type?"

"I'm straight."

"Hypothetically."

"Why are we having this conversation?" Bruce cried out in frustration.

"Oh come on! Let's say you, me, Harvey, Joker, and Jervis were stranded on an island…who would you go for?"

Bruce shook his head but he knew better than to change the subject. This question had to be answered. "Ok, Harvey used to be my best friend and now we are getting pretty chummy again so it'd be too weird," he thought to himself. "Jervis…no. Simply no. He would probably find a way to make blonde hair dye and fashion a dress out of leaves. Joker. Hmmm…well, people did think Batman and Joker had a secret relationship or at least sexual chemistry. Joker does like to antagonize me a lot and he does call me Brucie…that's a pet name. Is the Joker sexually attracted to me? Oh! Eddie is staring at me. I've been contemplating this too long." Bruce smiled. "You. For sure."

"I think I'd go with Dick."

"He wasn't even a choice!" Bruce cried.

"Oh, I must've forgotten. Either way I choose him."

"Why not me?"

"You and Selina broke up AGAIN. Apparently you're doing something wrong."

* * *

"I have to pee," Holly announced suddenly.

"Do you need a buddy to hold your hand?" Selina mocked.

"Nope. Perfectly capable of going on my own. Be back in a minute."

Selina sat at the bar and drummed her fingers on the counter.

"Hi," the cute guy from across the room said.

She nearly fell off her seat, but recovered quickly. "Hi…Hello!"

"I hope you don't think I'm weird, I've been watching you all night waiting for an opportunity to introduce myself. I'm Clark. Clark Kent."

"Selina," she replied shaking his hand. "Kyle. Selina Kyle."

He smiled. "It's nice to meet you."

"Same."

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"Yes you can," Holly chirped from behind Selina. "I'll be over there."

Selina tried to grab onto Holly but she walked away too fast.

"What'll it be?"

"Um, just a cosmo."

"Alright." Clark flagged down the bartender and ordered a cosmo and a beer. "Are you from Gotham or visiting?"

"From here. You?"

"Visiting a friend. I'm from Metropolis."

"Your friend with you tonight?"

"No, we're meeting up tomorrow. I thought I would just grab a drink myself."

"How long are you in town?"

"Until the end of the week. But I visit frequently."

Selina nodded.

"I don't want to ruin your girl's night, so," he took out a piece of paper and jotted down his phone number, "if you want to give me a call, maybe we can grab dinner."

She took it and put it in her purse. "Thank you."

"I hope to hear from you." He walked away.

Holly bounded over like a happy puppy. "Ok, what happened?"

"He bought me a drink and gave me his number."

"What's his name?"

"Clark Kent."

"THE Clark Kent?" she asked excitedly.

"There's a THE Clark Kent?"

"Yes! The reporter from the Daily Planet in Metropolis."

"He did say he was from Metropolis."

"You're so lucky!"

"Why? Because some reporter wants to take me out to dinner?"

"A super cute and talented reporter."

Selina eyed her. "You're nuts."

"So when are you going to call him?"

"I'm not. He's nice but I don't know."

"You can't know until you try! Call him!"

"I'll think about it."

* * *

"I think your phone is ringing," Ivy pointed out as she lit the candles on the table.

"It's Bruce. I'll be quick," Harvey assured her. "Hello."

"Hey Harvey, I have a question for you. Let's say that you, me, Eddie, Joker, Jervis, and apparently Dick since Eddie added him out of nowhere were all stranded on an island, who would you go for first?" Bruce asked.

"To kill?"

"No to...'partner' with."

"What the hell?"

"It's hypothetical."

Harvey thought for a moment. "I don't know…Jervis I guess. He'd probably be the quietest one out of you."

"Some friend!" Bruce hung up.

"What was all that?" Ivy asked.

"I don't have clue one."

* * *

Jervis blinked. It was the weirdest question he had been asked in awhile. "Why are you asking me this?"

"Just answer!" Bruce yelled through the phone.

"Joker I guess. He's not bad to look at."

"You suck! Eddie picked Dick so there!"

Jervis looked at his phone. Perhaps Selina had made a mistake when she brought Bruce into their world. Clearly his mind was being warped.

* * *

"Harvey." Dick said before Bruce even finished the question.

"How can you pick Harvey over me? I practically raised you!" Bruce cried.

"See. That's why I picked Harvey. It would be really weird if I picked you. There's already enough raunchy fan fiction out there about Batman and Robin, let's not add fuel to the fire."

* * *

"Hello," Joker said through the mush of food in his mouth.

"Ok, you, me, Eddie, Dick, Jervis, and Harvey are all stranded on an island, who would you do?" Bruce asked.

"Dick. Harley says he has a cute butt."

"He does. It's almost as nice as Nightwing's," Harley commented.

"Why are you looking at Nightwing's ASSets when you should be kicking them?" Joker asked.

"Sometimes you can't help but look!"

"Why won't anyone be in a hypothetical gay relationship with me?" Bruce whined.

Everyone at the dinner table went silent and stared at the phone, the same sort of thing was happening at the bar where Bruce and Eddie were.

"Ok, um…Jonathan Crane and his girlfriend heard that," Joker said timidly.

"Crap."

"Going to hang up now."

"I think that would be best."

* * *

Eddie pulled the note out of his pocket and smoothed it out on the counter. He sighed as he read the words "i am jete" again and still had no clue what they meant. Bruce came back from the bathroom and looked at the note.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Someone slipped this into my pocket. I have no clue who or what the hell it means." Eddie slid the note over to Bruce.

"i am jete?"

"Exactly."

Bruce took a pen from the other side of the bar and started to work out anagrams, something he had become good at thanks to his bar buddy. "Je t'aime," he said proudly.

"What?"

"Je t'aime. It's French for I love you," he explained. He slid the note back over, "See."

"I've been working on that damn thing all day!"

"Don't beat yourself up. I'm just fluent in French."

Eddie grimaced.

"So, know any French girls?" Bruce asked.

"No. I don't think I've even know anyone, other than you, who speaks French at all. Joker makes attempts but it's really more of a murder. I don't think he would be writing me love notes anyway…well…maybe he would but I don't get the joke just yet."

"Another round boys?" Joe asked taking the empty glasses.

"Sure. These ones are on me," Bruce replied.

"Got yourself a Parisian girlfriend?" Joe asked pointing to the note.

"I don't have any clue it was just stuffed into my poc…Parisian? Paris…" Eddie trailed on.

"Not following you Nigma," Bruce said.

"We'll always have Paris."

"We've discussed this," Bruce sighed.

"NO! Not that conversation again! Holly. I was here with her and I was drunk…"

"Shocker."

"and I was quoting Casablanca. I told her we'd always have Paris."

"I see."

"Holly slipped this into my pocket last night. Which means…SHE LOVES ME!" Eddie jumped up from his bar stool and did his happy dance. Bruce watched in horror and fascination, much like you would a car accident or a train wreck. "I should call her!" He pulled his phone out and dialed her number.

Holly answered on the first ring, "Yello."

"I love you!" Eddie cried.

"Um…you been drinking Ed?"

"Yes but that's not the point. The point is I figured out the anagram…"

"I did!" Bruce yelled.

"and then I translated it…"

"More bullshit!"

"and I love you!" Eddie finished.

"I don't have any idea what you are talking about," Holly said.

"What? The note! The anagram note you slipped into my pocket! It said 'i am jete' which translates to je t'aime which means I love you in French!"

"Ok?"

"Paris is a city in France and I told you 'we'll always have Paris' the famous line from Casablanca so therefore you wrote the note in French, then anagrammed it, and then anonymously slipped it into my pocket!"

"I'm still not following you."

"What? No it has to be you! You are the only one who…I mean you and I are…or I…" Eddie was racking his brain trying to compose a coherent thought.

"Psyche!" Holly laughed.

"Huh?"

"I was psyching you out. I wrote the note and I slipped it into your pocket. I just like torturing you."

"You're mean."

"You know you love me."

"I do. I really fucking love you."

"I love you too. Now, call me when you're sober." She hung up.

"She loves me!" Eddie yelled to the bar. It was so silent you could hear crickets.

"Good for you," Joe commended.

"Now all you got to do is not mess it up," Bruce told him.

"I might be screwed."


	13. Hang With Me

Author's Note: Hola! Bonjour! Aloha! Konichiwa! And whatever the hell is Vulcan for hello! The internet blocker is back on at work and they just kicked me out of the only program I use for work to do updates. Long story short, I got nothing to actually do and ideas for you! Onto the inappropriateness that is this story!

(And I know konichiwa is good afternoon and not actually hello. I took Japanese and I ruled at it)

* * *

"A group night out but not at the Iceberg?" Selina asked in disbelief.

"Yes!" Harley chirped through the phone.

"Just what exactly are we going to do?"

"Bowling!"

Selina rolled over and looked at the alarm clock on her bedside table. 9am, too early to have this conversation. "I don't see this working out Harl."

"Why not?" Harley pouted.

"Because, I know our group and the boys start fights over Candy Land!"

"Candy Land is a very serious game!" Joker yelled.

"See. That's going to be the root of all trouble. That man, right there," Selina told her.

"All the girls will be there to keep the boys in check. It'll be fun, promise."

Selina sighed. "Alright, who is all going then?"

"Me, Joker, Ivy, Harvey, Eddie, Holly, Jervis, Alice, and then Johnny and his new girlfriend Sage."

"Sounds like Noah's Ark."

Harley thought for a minute. "Oh my god! I forgot you and Bruce aren't together."

"Nope."

"If you don't want to go you don't have to."

Selina got out of bed and riffled through her pants from last night. She pulled the slip of paper with Clark's number written on it out. "I think I may actually have someone to bring. Tell Jack to put his face on tonight."

* * *

"You're late," Clark chided as Bruce walked up to the little patio table at the café.

Bruce started to take off his sunglasses but realized the sun was his enemy and quickly slid them back on. "Is there nothing available inside?"

"Sorry, it's packed. You alright?"

"I think I had too many last night. I feel a little hung over."

Clark smirked. "Look at you, cutting loose and skipping patrol. Naughty naughty."

Bruce laid his head on the table. "So cold and so good."

"Good thing it hasn't snowed in a couple days."

"So what did you do last night?"

"I went out, had fun, not as much as you though," Clark teased.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. And I met someone."

"Anyone I know?"

Clark thought for a second. Bruce was his good friend. Hell, his best friend. Should he tell him the truth? "I doubt it. Sarah something. She's visiting her aunt or sister or someone."

Bruce nodded. "I'm going to journey inside and grab a coffee."

"Let me. I need a refill anyway," Clark offered getting up.

"Thanks."

Clark disappeared into the building as his phone began to go off at the table. Bruce picked it up and started to call for him when he noticed the familiar number on the caller id. He stomach began to turn and he did something he normally wouldn't, he answered his friend's phone.

"Hello?" he said nervously.

"Clark? It's Selina. Selina Kyle from last night."

Bruce pounded at the end button on the keypad. His stomach was in an uproar and he could feel the bile coming up his throat and he was sure it wasn't from the drinking. He made a beeline for the garbage can and threw up.

Clark sat the coffees on the table and went to his friend at the trashcan. "You alright?"

"You know what, I need to lie down. Can we do this tomorrow?"

"Sure."

* * *

Selina looked at her recently dialed list. The last number was definitely Clark's but she swore it sounded like Bruce who answered the phone.

"Forget how to dial the phone?" Ivy asked from the doorway.

"Har har. You're a riot."

"Here all week too."

Selina re-dialed Clark's number and shut her bedroom door.

Clark picked up his phone on the second ring as he climbed into a cab, "Hello."

"Hi, Clark? It's Selina…"

"Kyle! Hi!"

"Yeah hi. Did your phone cut off or something?" He sounded different than the first time she called. It was strange. Maybe she was imagining things.

"What do you mean?"

"Well I called a few minutes ago and it was like the call was dropped."

Clark thought for a second. Had Bruce answered his phone? "Oh, yeah. I dropped the phone and the battery popped out. Butterfingers you know? Sorry, I was going to call you right back but I got tied up hailing a cab."

"Oh it's fine. Do you have any plans for tonight?" she asked.

"No, want to do something?"

"My friend Harley is planning this group bowling night. It might be weird for you to meet my friends on the first date but its all couple and I really don't want to be odd girl out you know?"

"Sounds great! What time?"

* * *

Bruce drove erratically as he tried to process the information in his head. Selina? His Selina? Ok, she wasn't his but she was his at some point. No. No, she had never really been his. Would Selina ever be anyone's? Would she be Clark's? The bile started to creep up his throat again. What if they hit it off? What if they got married? What if she moved to Metropolis and he never saw her again? What if they had kids? Little blue eyed black haired children who would wrinkle their noses when they got upset and purse their lips when angry. Maybe even tap their foot like a cat taps it tail.

He turned the corner running the red. Dick, he needed Dick. For a moment, Bruce thought he could hear Joker giggle. "The damn clown is stuck in my brain!" he cursed to no one.

* * *

"Who's Selina's mystery guy?" Harley asked as she sat some snacks out on her kitchen table.

"No clue," Ivy replied taking a chip. "She met him last night when she was out with Holly."

Joker came running out of the bathroom gripping his robe closed with toothpaste foaming at his mouth yelling "No no no!"

"Easy Cujo," Ivy teased.

"Puddin' you forgot to rinse."

"Why is Selina dating someone else?" Joker asked spraying toothpaste everywhere.

Ivy wiped some paste from her face and glared.

"Her and Bruce broke up and now she's meeting new guys. It happens," Harley explained.

"No! The universe! Holly! Eddie! Penguin! Gah!" Joker flopped to the floor and started throwing a tantrum.

"No, I have no clue what's going on either," Harley told Ivy when she opened her mouth to ask.

* * *

"While I nodded nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping. As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door," Barbara sighed rolling over in bed.

"More like, while I was trying to sleep some asshole started banging on my damn door," Dick grumbled. He got out of bed and pulled a shirt on. "I'm about to go all Nightwing on someone's ass."

"You do that," she muttered as she drifted back off to sleep.

"Come up to my house and start knocking on my door. I don't think so buddy. About to get an economy sized can of whoop ass with a side of break my foot off in your ass. A lot of ass related punishment." Half crazed, Dick opened the door to see Bruce standing there, knocking on the air in front of him. "And I thought I was going to be the slightly deranged one at the door," he joked.

Bruce walked passed him without waiting for an invitation.

"You alright buddy?"

"Clark is going to date Selina," Bruce said.

"Talking to Madame Cleo again?"

"He said he met someone last night and she called his phone while we were having coffee."

"That's rough." Dick took the spot next to him on the couch. "Does he know it's Selina?"

"He knows. Everyone knows about Selina and me." Bruce buried his face in his hands. For the first time in a long time, he was fighting back tears.

Dick patted him on the shoulder.

"In my mind I thought we'd just take some time apart and then she'd call me up or meet me on a roof but my gut knew this time was different, that she was done for good."

"It's probably just a coffee, maybe a dinner. I don't think Selina is going to put up with a long distance relationship and you know Clark, him and Lois are practically a done deal."

"Even if it's not Clark, it's going to be someone else and the Tipster is going to be right there, throwing it in my face."

A long time ago, when Dick was young and had first come to Wayne Manor, Bruce had sat on the foot of his bed with his face buried in his hands, breathing deep, hiding from the world. Dick crept into the room and crawled onto the bed next to him. He sat for second, back straight, hands between his legs, and then he leaned over and rested his head on Bruce's arm. And that's what he did now except he was taller, so his head rested on Bruce's shoulder.

* * *

"Just give me one more minute!" Selina called from the bedroom for the hundredth time. Clark just stood in the living room with a bemused smile. He knew with every extra second she took, the lovelier she would be and boy was he right. Selina rushed into the room digging through her handbag. "I can't find my damned lipstick." Half her hair was held back by a claw clip with the bottom half splitting into pigtails. She didn't wear much makeup, just some nude eye shadow, thin black eyeliner, and when she found her lipstick, a nude lip color. She was casually dressed as well, a taupe turtleneck sweater, a pair of tight black jeans, and some black ballet flats.

Selina tossed a pair of socks into her handbag. "Alright, I am ready to go."

Clark stood there dumbfounded. She was dressed for a night on the couch or a trip to the mall but he couldn't imagine her looking any better. "O-o-o-okay," he stuttered.

She stopped in front of the mirror and smoothed her hair down. "Do I look ok?"

"Amazing," he sighed.

She smiled and continued to the door. "Let's hit the road, bub."

* * *

Joker fought the urge to itch his nose. He didn't want to get makeup all over his gloves or reveal the pasty face underneath the tan.

Harley watched him wiggle and scrunch his nose. Either he had an itch, a sneeze, or he was about to turn Darren into a zebra. She walked over to him and scratched his nose. "Better?" she asked

"Yes!" he cried dramatically.

She cuddled up in the chair next to him and sighed contentedly.

"Who are we missing?" Harvey grumbled.

"Selina, her date, Jonathan, and Sage," Ivy answered.

"High five for being on time!" Alice cheered holding her hand up. Jervis high fived her and then gave her a quick kiss.

"Can I use then as bowling pin?" Harvey asked.

"No," Ivy replied.

"Howe come Harvey doesn't have to hide his face?" Joker asked.

"How would you propose I do that?"

"Face transplant."

Harvey eyed him. "Can I use Joker as a bowling pin?"

"Yes," Ivy told him.

"Hey!" Harley chirped.

"Children," Eddie warned. "Let's not go to Arkham tonight ok?"

Joker pouted while Harley looped her arm through his and rested her head on his shoulder.

"Sorry we're late," Selina said as she approached the group. "We got hit with traffic on 5th." She took the seat next to Ivy.

"Hi, I'm Clark," Clark greeted.

"Oh shit! Yeah, everyone this is Clark Kent. Clark this is Ivy, her for all intensive purposes husband Harvey, Eddie and his girlfriend Holly, her sister Alice and her boyfriend Jervis, and Harley and her boyfriend Jack." Selina wondered if he'd make the connection. How many people knew the rogues' real names though? He was a reporter and Harvey's face was half missing. Shit. If he ran screaming for the hills she wouldn't blame him.

"It's nice to meet you all," Clark replied.

"I don't like him," Joker hissed.

Harley kicked him and gave him a look that clearly said "too bad".

"Where's Jonathan and Rosemary?" Selina asked.

"Sage," Ivy corrected.

"Some kind of spice," Selina replied.

"They're running late."

Selina glanced up at the screens, "Guys against girls?"

"It seemed like the only way to keep the boys from murdering each other," Holly explained.

"Good thinking."

Joker pulled his phone out and started dialing. "I'm going to figure out where straw for brains is."

"I'm right here!" Jervis whined.

"You're tea for brains. Straw for brains is Johnny and the Eddie is just no brains," Joker explained.

"Why don't I have brains?" Eddie asked.

"Honey, do you really want to know?" Holly questioned.

"You know what? No."

"Johnnnnaaaaayyyy! Where you at holmes?" Joker yelled into the phone. "Am I saying that right? Holmes?" he asked Alice.

She stared at him wide eyed and uncertain like he was asking her if this was how you performed open heart surgery.

"I'm pretty sure that's right," he went on.

"I have no clue what you are asking," Johnny told him.

"Where the hell are you?"

"Oh, on the way. We got a late start and the got stuck in traffic."

"Rawr!" Joker growled.

"Are you making dinosaur noises in the phone?"

"Maybe. Do you want me to make dinosaur noises on the phone?"

"We'll be there in a few minutes." Johnny hung up fearing anymore random noises.

Everyone at the bowling alley just stared at Joker,

"What the hell…"Selina began.

"I don't know what's wrong with him either," Harley sighed.

* * *

"So that's 650 to 473 and the second game we won. You boys suck!" Alice gloated.

Harvey slapped Jervis. "Learn to bowl asshole!"

"You're making us lose!" Joker joined in.

"Hey! Hey! I seem to recall two gutter balls thrown by no brains over there!" Jervis replied in defense.

"Seriously, you're my best friend? You? Sir throws me under the buss every chance he gets?" Eddie said sarcastically.

"That is the world's longest nickname," Johnny told him.

"Shut up," Eddie snapped.

"Point is, if it wasn't for me, Jack, and Clark, we wouldn't have any chance," Harvey barked.

"I still don't like him," Joker mumbled.

"We have 2 more games. We need to reclaim our dignity."

"How do we do that?" Clark asked.

"We cheat," Johnny replied.

* * *

Holly watched the boys huddle up. She shook her head and sighed. "They're going to cheat."

"Well of course they are. They're losing and that's killing their pride," Alice replied.

"So do we let them or do we call them out on it?" Sage asked.

"Let's see their master plan and then we'll decide on a course of action," Ivy answered.

* * *

The new game started and so far, no tricks. The girls were getting suspicious. Harley stepped up to the deck for her turn, Joker was just walking off. No one noticed the clear liquid leaking out of his shirt sleeve, except the guys who had planned it. Harley started taking her steps, swung the ball back, and just as she took her last step and swung the ball forward she slipped. The ball flew out of her hand as she fell back onto her butt. It flew straight into the gutter and rolled confidently down to the end of the alley.

Harley glared at the still standing pins from the ground. She held her hand up to her nose and sniffed the liquid. Simple water from Joker's squirting daisy. She was happy he didn't go for the Joker venom tonight. There might've been a whole new problem.

"You alright Poo?" Joker asked as concerned as he could sound.

"Fine. Just bruised my ass." Harley used her hoodie to wipe up the water and stood up slowly in case she missed some. She threw her second ball and hit what would've been a strike on the first try but was a spare on the second.

"Did you slip or was it sabotage?" Selina asked discreetly.

"Water on the floor," Harley answered.

"Bastards," Ivy muttered.

"What now?" Alice asked.

"War," Holly replied.

"My ass seriously hurts."

* * *

Ivy stared at the last pin standing. She had hit it directly on her first turn but it was still standing. She pulled the ball back, released, another dead hit and the pin still stood. She quirked an eyebrow at Harvey.

"Better luck next time Babe," he said patting her on the shoulder.

"Better luck my ass," she grunted walking away.

"Loaded?" Selina asked.

"Probably."

Selina looked up at the board. "I can make it back before my turn. Which one do you think did it?"

"I think Jervis was the last one to leave the group," Ivy answered.

"Be back in three." Selina got up and sauntered toward the restroom. When she was sure the guys weren't looking she made a right and walked along the wall until she hit the back of the alley and quickly ducked through the little door leading to the back area. She counted the sets as she walked by until she found her lane. She grabbed an extra pin from behind her and as the rack started to come down in front of her she quickly lifted each pin until she found the heavier one. She replaced it with the regular pin and started her walk back.

"Found it?" Ivy asked.

Selina handed the loaded pin over to Ivy. "Should I hit him with it?"

"We're not going to result to violence," Sage interjected.

"We're not?" Alice questioned.

"No. I have a much better plan."

* * *

"Your turn Holls," Eddie called sipping his coke.

Holly walked up to the lane. She was different. Her hair was no longer in a ponytail, instead it hung loose in wild curls and her shirt was shorter. Much shorter. If she raised her arms everyone was getting a peek at her very sexy pushup. Her pants were hanging lower too and as she bent over, her little pink thong poked out.

Harvey dropped his gaze, his jaw, and his ball which made a slow journey into the gutter and down the lane. Holly rolled her ball with ease and after all the pins clattered to the floor she threw her arms up and cheered making all the boys cheer too.

"They're so easy," Ivy sighed.

"Yeah. It's almost sad," Sage agreed.

"Hey Clark, wipe the drool off your lip and take your turn," Selina teased.

Clark jumped up and took his eyes off Holly. He turned around to give a wink to Selina just as she started taking her sweater off to reveal a lacey bustier, something she hadn't planned on wearing but it was laundry day and her bras were in the pile to be washed.

"Boy is it hot in here," she moaned throwing the sweater onto the chair next to her.

Clark quickly turned back around and tried to focus on the game but his thoughts kept going back to the soft pink lace, the curves of her body, and before he knew it the ball was out of his hands and down the lane hitting one measly pin as it went. His second throw didn't fair much better.

"I can't believe you guys! Getting all turned around because some dames are flashing a little skin. Pathetic!" Joker scolded. "Watch and see how it's done." He got up and walked over to his lane.

Harley stood next to the ball rack. She was no longer wearing her hoodie but she was still covered by her white t-shirt.

"What? Not running around in your underwear too?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she replied innocently.

"Uh huh. I bet you don't. I'm watching you."

She gave him a peck on the nose and smiled. "Please do."

He swung the ball back and just as he was about to release Harley cried "Yay puddin'!" Joker threw the ball at an angle missing the left half of the pins. He turned to yell at her but was distracted by her jumping up and down. Something he was used to seeing, but not braless in a white t-shirt.

"Harley, you're…you are…um…you're…"he tried but the words wouldn't come to him.

"Distracting daddy?" Ivy offered.

"Yeah…that's it." His second ball barely touched his hand and it didn't hit anything but he didn't care. The view was better than the game.

* * *

One by one the girls distracted the boys. They tried to keep cheating, they tried to ignore the bouncing, half naked, harem that danced around them, but it was no use. They were sunk and nothing was going to help their score.

"Well that's the end of the third game. You boys ready for round 4?" Holly asked.

"No. I'm ready for home," Joker moaned.

"Have you learned your lesson?" Ivy questioned.

"Don't cheat when you're playing against your girlfriends," Harvey answered.

"And why is that?" Selina chimed in.

"They will destroy you," Clark replied.

"Good boys."

* * *

"Ok, go through it one more time," Clark said as he and Selina walked down the street to her apartment.

"Alright, Ivy and Harvey were seeing each other kind of secretly and then they made it official. Around that time Harley and Jack split. Harley started to date and then got engaged to Eddie who was in love with Holly but never told her. Holly ended up with Dick for the time being. Holly's sister Alice got with Jervis, they broke up, and then got back together. While Harley and Eddie were engaged I fake dated Jack to make Harley jealous and help him out. He and Harley got back together and I went back with my ex. Eddie, now single, started to date Scarlet, recently spurned by Oswald her boss, because Holly was still with Dick. Recently Dick went back to his ex leaving Holly free and after Scarlet jumped back on the Oswald boat Eddie jumped on Holly. Sage and Johnny are less complicated. They're together and that's the end of it," Selina explained.

"How do you keep it straight?"

"I use flash cards," she joked.

"I had fun."

"Me too."

"Your friends are…"

"Weird. I know," she finished.

"I was going to say fun."

"They're Looney Toons," she replied adding "literally" in her mind.

"Well I like them."

"Do you want them? I don't think Jack will go willingly but I'm sure you can work something out."

"I noticed he wasn't too keen on me."

"Keen? Keen? Did you just say keen?" she laughed. "I'm going to start calling you Richie Cunningham."

"Keen is a perfectly good word," he replied.

"Yeah, in the 50's."

Clark smiled at her and shook his head. "Fair enough. So what's Jack's deal? At first I thought maybe he had a thing for you."

Selina made gagging noises and shuddered.

"Sorry, didn't realize you would throw up at the thought," he joked. "Anyway, he seems pretty into Harley."

"They're in love. Crazy kids. It used to be they would break up every other week but now you can barely get them apart. It's kind of nice, seeing him happy."

"And her?"

"She's always been happy. Loving her or leaving her it didn't matter. She was just happy her acknowledged her. It wasn't healthy but you couldn't tell her any different."

"So what's his deal then if it isn't you?"

Selina sighed and took a seat on the bus bench. "He really liked my ex. For some crazy reason they hit it off. Anyway, bringing someone new into the group makes it feel like Bruce, my ex, is really out of the picture."

"Is he?"

"Is he what?"

"Really out of the picture?"

She thought for a moment. "I want to say yes but part of me says no. We have a lot of history so it's hard."

"I understand. I have an ex like that."

"So, what do we do?"

"We keep it casual. I come here, we go out. Maybe you visit Metropolis and let me take you out there, and we see where it goes."

"I like that idea."

* * *

"I like Clark," Harley chirped in the cab.

"I don't," Joker muttered.

"You'll get used to someone new."

"I don't want someone new, I like Bruce."

Harley shrugged. "We all did but that's just how the game goes."

"The game sucks."

"Sometimes. Sometimes the game is great."

"Name one time the game was great."

"When you wised up and realized you couldn't live without me."

Joker smiled. "I guess that was a good moment."

"I love you," she sighed contently.

"I know."

Harley punched him in the shoulder. "Don't be all Han Solo on me!"

"Why not? Then you'd be Princess Leia and we could invest in that slave costume."

She punched him again. "If you want a metal bikini then you can wear it."

"Sexy," he joked.


	14. Fidelity

**Author's Note:** It's effin cold at my work. I'm wearing a turtleneck sweater and a hoodie and I'm still chattering my teeth. I would make it warmer but the thermostat is my enemy and I don't know how to use it. It's all complicated. My boss says he's hot. I say he's secretly a polar bear. He also looks like Wes Craven. If you can find a coherent thought in that whole mess, I applaud you.

* * *

Harley sat pouting with the Joker at the Iceberg. Every once in awhile she'd sigh, blow the bangs out of her face, and then poke at her food with a fork.

"Want to go to a movie?" Joker asked trying to brighten her up.

She shrugged and continued playing with her food.

"We can grab John Boy and Sage to go with."

"That's fine."

Joker worked a piece of steak out of his teeth with his tongue while he thought.

Harley sighed again.

"Are you mad at me?"

She shook her head.

"Is it Selina?"

"Kind of."

"You miss her?"

Harley sat her fork down and pushed her plate away. "I do. I understand she has a new guy and they're excited to be together but with her all wrapped up in Clark and Ivy packing for her trip, I've been girl-lonely."

"What about the other girls?"

"Holly is always working or with Eddie."

"Alice?"

Harley glared at him.

"Are you still all bent out of shape about the Tipster comment? Jesus it was ages ago and so what! The fact is Harl, she's barely out of her teens, she's dating a rogue, and she's batshit bananas. So ipso facto, she's a younger you. If you want to get technical, Sage is a younger you too. She was even a psycho-ologist!"

She crossed her arms and looked away from him.

"Don't get all pissy! Fact is, both those girls are younger than you. Fact also is, both their boyfriends are younger than me," he explained.

She still wouldn't look at him.

"I'm not saying you're old. You're not old. I'm old. Hell, I was old when I met you. If I met younger you at my age now I wouldn't be able to handle it."

Harley turned to face him again, arms still crossed over her chest.

"I'm pretty sure one of my old employees referred to me as 'old enough to be your father'," Joker sighed.

She smiled.

"I'm like Jack Nicolson dating Holly Madison."

"Why not Hugh Hefner?" she asked.

"I'm not _that_ old yet. Geeze!"

"You're not old at all Puddin'," Harley replied getting out of her chair and sliding onto his lap. "You're just older."

"Yeah, sure," he laughed.

"I still don't like Alice."

Joker threw his arms up in the air and stared at her in disbelief.

"She wore my dress!"

"I give up!"

* * *

Selina sat on top of a large suitcase while Ivy scurried about underneath her trying to zip it.

"Stupid piece of shit!" Ivy cursed as she pulled on the little silver tab with all her might.

"It's two weeks hun, not a year. You packed less when you fled to Hawaii with the Joker," Selina teased.

"I fled to Hawaii alone. He followed," Ivy corrected.

"Either way."

"I just don't want to be caught unaware in Venice."

"I can't believe you're going to a walking kind of city in March."

"Harvey planned it, not me."

"What am I going to do for two weeks without you?" Selina whined.

"Hang out with Harley. Or you can invite Clark over for a slumber party. Do not do it on the couch, in the kitchen, or in my room. Bathroom is fair game as long as I don't know about it. Use a condom."

"Wow. Just wow. I'm going to pass on that."

"That's up to you."

She rolled her eyes. "I should hang out with Harley. I haven't seen much of her and I feel bad."

"You have a new boyfriend. It happens." Ivy gave the zipper one more good yank and the suitcase was closed. "Yes! Take that asshole!"

Selina fell backward off the luggage and onto Ivy's bed. "That was obnoxious."

"Sorry, I was excited."

"Anyway, did you disappear when you started dating Harvey?" she asked as she sat up.

Ivy thought about it. "No. See, Harvey and I started off as a slightly drunk one night stand that turned into a more or less sober fling and then that evolved into whatever it is now. We never really dated. We just were."

Selina nodded.

"And you were already with Bruce for awhile before you moved in so we missed that whole new romance step with you."

"Harley didn't disappear when she started dating Eddie."

"Harley didn't really love Eddie. And it's different when you date in the circle. You have the luxury of stepping out of the rogue gallery and meeting normal guys. It's hard to bring them to the Iceberg though."

"I wonder if Harley disappeared when she started dating the Joker," Selina mused.

Ivy's smile went sad as she folded her shirts. "I don't think she had anyone to disappear from."

Selina laughed. "Before I moved in here, I didn't have anyone either."

"You had Bruce."

"Doesn't count. He's a boyfriend not a friend friend."

"Was," Ivy corrected.

"What?"

"You said 'he is a boyfriend' but I think you meant 'he was a boyfriend'".

"Oh, yeah."

Ivy stopped folding her clothes and sat down in her vanity chair. "You look like you need to talk."

Selina smiled. "I'm fine."

"Liar."

"I might miss Bruce a little."

"What about Clark?"

"Clark is great. He's really nice, smart, good looking, and he does this weird thing where when I call, he answers the phone!" she joked.

"But…"

"I don't know. I just don't feel that spark. Maybe it's too soon for me to date."

"Maybe."

"That was a loaded maybe."

"Was it?" Ivy asked innocently.

"Spill it."

"Maybe you just need to sit down with Bruce and work things out."

"Maybe you should have lied to me just now."

"Maybe you should just marry Batman and be done with it."

"Maybe I will!"

"I'm done with the maybes."

"Me too."

They sat staring at each other for a moment. Selina blew a piece of hair out of her face while Ivy picked at her nails. Harvey walked passed the open door, noticed the silence, and leaned up against the doorframe. "Quiet," he said plainly.

The girls looked over at him and nodded.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Thinking," Selina sighed.

"I see."

Ivy nibbled at a hang nail and then her eyes lit up. "Hey babe, since we're going to be together for two weeks, mind if I spend our last night with the girls?"

Harvey shrugged. "Doesn't bother me."

"What are you thinking?" Selina asked.

"A slumber party."

* * *

"Joker and his lady love were spotted leaving the Iceberg. Still happy. Still in love. Break up already! Get into a fist fight! Something. Anyway, Dr. Crane and Sage were seen doing some grocery shopping and...you know what? You guys are boring lately! Where's the spice? Where's the action? Where's the drama? Where's…oh hello! I spy with my little eye a rogue princess. Talia Al Ghul just stepped off a private plane at Gotham Airport. Is she here to see daddy or has she decided enough time has gone by and Bruce is hers for the taking?"

* * *

"Dear God, I know we don't talk much. Ok, we don't talk at all. But please, please, let Talia just be here to see her father and then get the hell out of town. I don't need this. I've already got the Clark problem. If you do this for me, I'll renovate and donate to all the churches in Gotham. Thank you," Bruce prayed. He was kneeling on the floor on his bedroom phone sitting on his bed, opened to the Tipster text.

"I don't think it works that way, Master Bruce," Alfred said as he stepped into the room to put the laundry away.

"It can't hurt."

"God might be offended that you're bargaining with him."

"I'm sure even God gets tired of dishing out favors without getting anything in return."

"Then he wouldn't be God, he'd be the mob," Alfred pointed out.

"Maybe I should ask the mob to get rid of Talia then."

Alfred stopped hanging Bruce's suits in the closet. His hands began to shake and his mouth twitched. "Talia Al Ghul sir?"

"Yeah. The Tipster just sent out an update that Talia was seen getting off a plane here in Gotham."

Alfred hugged the suit to his chest. Sweat was beginning to form on his forehead. Bruce noticed his butler had become awfully quiet. He looked over to see what he was up to and jumped up when he realized Alfred was convulsing. "Are you alright?" Bruce asked.

"I'll be fine sir. You haven't heard from Miss Al Ghul have you?"

"No."

"Good!" Alfred snapped. "I would rather be forced to serve dinner to the Joker than have that woman anywhere near our lives."

"I didn't realize you had such a strong opinion of her."

"She's just…she's not…"

"She's not Selina?"

Alfred hung the suit up finally and sighed. "Secretly I always hoped you and Miss Kyle would get it right."

"There's nothing secret about it. You've made your opinion more than known."

"And Miss Al Ghul is so…so…"

"Pushy, stubborn, spoiled, obnoxious, whiny, needy, I could go on," Bruce replied.

"I would never speak ill of her sir."

"Oh Alfred, you can give me your honest opinion about Tal…"

"She's a bitch."

* * *

"DEFCON 2!" Dick cried snapping his phone closed.

"Taco Bell put tomatoes on your taco again?" Barbara asked.

"Don't be ridiculous. That's DEFCON 1."

"I'm scared to ask what DEFCON 2 is," she laughed. Dick opened his phone again and shoved it in her face. "Because I can read when it's in my eye." He pulled the phone back a bit and Barbara read the Tipster update. "Talia huh?"

"She's going to throw everything off and ruin my life."

"Want to explain that one?"

"Since Selina is dating Clark, Bruce is going to want some revenge action and with Talia in town he'll probably get it with her."

"I don't think Bruce is going to throw himself at Talia just to make Selina jealous."

"DEFCON 2!" he yelled.

"Yeah, ok. You spent too much time with the Wacko Squad."

Dick flopped down onto the couch and started digging through his Taco Bell bag when Tim called. "Hey."

"DEFCON 2!" Tim yelled through the phone.

"I know, I saw. What do we do?"

"You're the older one, you come up with a plan."

"We need to keep him away from her."

"That won't be easy. Five bucks says she's dialing his number right now."

"We'll just have to run interference. Steal his phone."

"Come again?"

"Steal Bruce's phone and hide it."

"Where? Alfred cleans this entire place everyday, I'm sure he'll find it."

"Bring it over here."

"Alright. Be there in an hour."

"Cool. Damn it! DEFCON 1!" Dick cried in frustration.

"It's like they blatantly ignore your no tomatoes request."

"I know!"

"Wait…I hear Bruce on the phone. I gotta go." Tim hit the end button before Dick could respond and poked his head out his bedroom door. Bruce was walking down the hallway toward the stairs with his cell phone against his ear.

"I know, we haven't seen each other in forever," he said with a smile.

"Talia," Tim groaned as he hid behind a vase.

"I miss you too. Tomorrow night is perfect. We can go out or just hang around, you know, whatever. I'll pick you up at 7 then. See you." Bruce whistled a little tune as he walked down the stairs.

Tim rushed after him and gave him a pat on the shoulder. "Hey old man, how's it going?"

"Great! Until you called me old man," Bruce replied.

"It's just an expression. So who was that?" he asked pointing at the phone.

Bruce looked at the phone and his mind raced for a lie. "Oh, just an old friend I went to school with. In town for a conference or something. We're going to have to dinner. Nothing big."

"Liar!" Tim screamed inside his head. "Cool. Hey, I'm going to have Alfred drop me by Dick's. We're going to hang out for the night."

"Alright." Tim followed Bruce into the kitchen.

"Help you with something else?" Bruce asked.

"I'm looking for Alfred."

"Oh. I think he's in the study."

Tim leaned up against the counter and nodded his head.

"Why don't you go check," Bruce nudged.

"Oh, yeah. Just going to grab a drink first." He walked over the fridge and pretended to look for a drink, keeping one eye on Bruce. Then it happened. He put the phone on the counter and turned around to look through the cupboards. Tim slammed the door shut, rushed over to the phone, pocketed it, and ran out of the room to look for Alfred.

Bruce turned just in time to see the back of him disappear down the hallway. "Strange child," he muttered.

* * *

"Alfred! Alfred! Alfred!" he yelled as he went from room to room looking for the butler.

Finally Alfred poked his head out of the living room and said, "Yes?"

"I need a ride. I need a ride now to Dick's," he blurted as he bounced up and down.

"Alright let me just…"

"No! Now! Right now!" Tim pulled on Alfred's sleeve and dragged him toward the front door.

"Can I at least get my coat?"

* * *

"You can't be here tomorrow," Harley said as she crawled onto the couch next to Joker.

"The whole day?" he whined.

"No, just tomorrow night. You gotta be out of here by 7."

"Why?"

"Selina and Ivy are coming over for a girl's night," she explained.

"Why can't I just hang out in here?"

"Because, it's girls only!"

"Where am I supposed to go?"

"Go stay at Harvey's place," she offered.

Joker winced.

"What?"

"He snores. He snores bad."

"Does not!"

"He does!"

"How come I never heard him snore?"

"You sleep like the dead! I could kick you in the face and you wouldn't wake up!"

"Why would you kick me in the face?"

"That's not the point!"

Harley stared at him. "Puddin, I'm not sure you even make points sometimes."

"Well I am now and that point is, he snores."

"I don't know what to tell you. Check into a hotel."

"I thought you loved me. I thought you cared!" he cried, fake tears and all.

"I do! I love you very much."

Joker perked up and wiped away a tear.

"But I'm still having the girls over and you're still not staying here."

He pulled out his phone and grumbled as he punched in the numbers.

"Who are you calling?"

"If I have to spend the night somewhere else, it's going to be somewhere with style."

* * *

Tim pounded on Dick's door frantically. Dick was surprised to find Tim there when he opened the door, he was sure it was going to be some innocent teenage girl being chased by a chainsaw wielding bad guy. Tim pushed past hi and flopped onto the couch.

"Please, come in. Have a seat."

"DEFCON 1, no tomatoes!" Tim panted.

"What is it with you two and this DEFCON nonsense?" Barbara asked from the kitchen table.

"It's our threat level!" Dick hollered back. "What happened?"

"We were too late. He was already talking to her when I got off the phone with you."

"Did you get his phone anyway?"

"Yeah." Tim handed him the phone. "He deleted the last call though."

"Definitely suspicious. Do you know if they made plans?"

"Yes, tomorrow, 7 o'clock."

"Where?"

"He didn't say."

"We'll have to tail him."

"So while Batman is on a date his replacements will be tailing him?" Barbara snorted.

"Crap," Tim moaned.

"We'll take turns and tail him as Nightwing and Robin. Every couple of hours we'll switch between patrol and Bruce."

"Can we all wear wigs and use funny accents too?" Barbara joked.

"Don't be silly," Dick said with all seriousness. "This is real business."

* * *

"I'm going out," Joker said as he slid on his shoes.

"Where ya goin?" Harley asked.

"The Iceberg."

"We were just there."

"Yeah, but I forgot to tell Ozzie something. It'll be real quick."

"Why don't you just call?"

"You know Oswald. If you're not in front of his face, you're not on his mind. And with Scarlet constantly dancing around him, he pays even less attention."

"When will you be back?"

"I don't know. It won't be long though."

"Want me to come?"

"You're already in your pajamas. It's not a big deal," he assured her.

"I can throw on a pair of jeans real quick."

"Really Harl, I'll be right back."

She pouted.

"Don't give me sad face. I swear, one hour and I'll be back."

* * *

"Hey Dick," Barbara called from the bedroom.

"What?" he yelled back.

"What is this?"

He rolled his eyes to Tim and got up off the couch. "Hold on!" he called to and then he said to Tim, "I love her but she drives me crazy." He walked into the bedroom. Barbara sat by the bed holding a small black bag. He grabbed it from her and unzipped it. It was filled with makeup. "Looks like your makeup bag," he replied plainly.

"It isn't mine. Mine is in my purse."

He looked at it again and then smacked himself in the forehead. "Holly must've left it."

"Go give it to her."

"I'll do it tomorrow."

"No! Now!"

"Why?"

"Because, you'll forget tomorrow and the next day and the next day and eventually it will become part of the apartment," she explained.

"Fine," he groaned turning around and heading back to the living room. He slid his shoes and grabbed a coat.

"Where are you going?" Tim asked.

"I got to return Holly's makeup bag."

"I'll go with you," Tim said excitedly shoving his shoes on.

"You need to stop with the whole Harley thing."

"What? I just want some fresh air."

"Bullshit."

* * *

Joker wandered back over to the bar and rested his head on the cool surface. "Is he still talking to her?" he asked Holly.

"Yup. Sorry J," she replied pouring another beer for him.

"Harley is going to kill me. It's already been 45 minutes and I still haven't talked to him."

"She's timing you?"

"I told her an hour tops," he explained. "So yeah, she probably is."

"Bummer."

"Why does he say it's an emergency when he's just going to make me wait for 8 years?"

"The great mystery of life," she joked.

Joker pulled his phone out to see if she had called. "A least she's not harassing me yet." He sat the phone next to him on the bar.

"Hey, Holly, this yours?" Dick asked handing over the black bag.

"My makeup bag!" she squealed. "I've been looking everywhere for this. Where was it?"

"I don't know. Barbara found it somewhere in the bedroom."

"Harley around?" Tim interjected.

"Sorry kid, she's at home," Joker answered taking a sip.

"Bad luck kid," Dick teased. "Ah crap!" His phone started to go off in his pocket. He fished it out, pulling Bruce's out first and setting it on the bar. "Hello? Hey babe. Milk? Yeah, I can pick some up. Be there in a minute." He closed the phone and slid it back into his pocket. "Alright, I got to go get milk. Let's roll kiddo."

"Dick!" Holly called after him as he and Tim walked away.

"What?"

"Your other phone!" she replied waving it in the air.

"Damn." He ran back and grabbed it from her. "Thanks."

"Why do you have two phones?" she asked.

"It's a whole ordeal. You're better off not knowing."

"I will accept that."

Dick turned around and ran out again.

"Strange kid," Joker muttered.

"Yeah," Holly agreed. She looked over at Oswald's door and saw Scarlet leaving. "He's all yours love."

Joker looked over at the office and jumped up when he saw Scarlet walking toward the bar. "See you later." He grabbed his phone and ran for the door before anyone else could get in.

"You rang?" Joker said in his best Lurch voice as he entered Oswald's office.

"Sit down and let's make this quick. I want to go home," Oswald snapped.

"Oh, you want to go home? Well, I'm sorry. It's not like I'm the one who kept YOU waiting for nearly an hour."

"Scarlet was…"

"I don't want to know. I actually want to get home too before Harley starts getting mad."

"The misses has you whipped finally?" Oswald joked.

"No!" he denied firmly. "But ever since we got back together she's developed more of a backbone and if she gets mad I don't get any."

"More than I needed to know. Let's get down to business."

"By all means."

"You owe me Joker."

"Excuse me?"

"The apartment."

"I killed that rat bastard so it would be easier for you to buy his properties and you said in exchange I got the apartment!" Joker yelled.

"I gave you the apartment but I did not give you the electric, the gas, the cable, the internet," Oswald replied adjusting his cigarette holder in his mouth.

"You little shit," Joker snorted.

"Read the fine print my boy."

"I'm not your boy."

"Either way, you owe me money."

Joker rolled his eyes and sighed. "How much?"

"Well, let's see, you've been there for a little over a month, there's four bills." Oswald started clacking away at his calculator.

Joker's phone began to beep in his pocket. "Probably Harley asking how much longer," he thought. He pinched the bridge of his nose. A headache was well on its way. "Let's get down to it. What do you want and how long will it keep me paid up?"

Oswald slid his calculator away and smiled. "Just a small job. Nothing too extravagant. There's a certain shipment coming into the docks on the 5th. Dock number 42. I don't care how you do it."

"And this will make us even for how long?"

"A year and then I'll expect another job or the money."

"Is that it or did you want to bend me over your desk and give it to me good too?" Joker snarled.

"Don't be such a baby. It's a supply and demand kind of world Joker. Either play the game or go back to your toy store."

Joker got up and headed for the door.

"Pleasure doing business with you!" Oswald called after him.

* * *

"She is the definition of needy," Dick sighed as the phone went off again.

"Barbara?" Tim asked.

"No, Talia," he answered holding up Bruce's phone.

Tim looked at the screen. "How can you tell? It's just a little heart in the name area."

"He's not going to put her name in the phone, he's being all sneaky. And who else would the heart be?"

Tim shrugged. "I don't know. What do they say?"

"I don't know. I'm driving. You read them." He handed the phone over.

He flipped the phone opened and scrolled through the texts. "I miss you. I can't wait until I see you. I love you. I want you here now. Why aren't you responding?" he read aloud.

"See! Needy!"

"This one doesn't make sense, it says, 'You said an hour!'."

"Maybe she sent it to the wrong person," Dick replied.

"Or maybe they were supposed to meet tonight too!" Tim pulled his own phone out and quickly dialed Wayne Manor.

"Hello," Alfred answered.

"Alfred, is Bruce there?"

"Yes, did you need to speak with him?"

"No, just tell him I'm going to spend the night at Dick's," he lied.

"Alright. Anything else?"

"Is he going out tonight?"

"Just to patrol I do believe," Alfred replied, confused.

"Ok, thanks." Tim hung up. "He's still there and has no plans to leave other than Batman duty. And try not to laugh at the word 'duty'."

Dick smiled and held back his giggles.

* * *

Harley tossed her phone onto the kitchen table and opened a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Where was Joker? What was taking so long? And why wasn't he answering her texts? She shoves a spoonful of Brownie Batter into her mouth and sighed.

"Daddy's home!" Joker called as he walked in.

She sat the ice cream on the counter and crossed her arms. "What took so long?"

"Oswald had Scarlet in there for an hour before I could see him," he explained.

"Why didn't you text me back then or call?"

"I just wanted to get everything done with and get home."

Harley pursed her lips.

"Don't be mad. I'm here now."

She smiled. "Alright. What did he want?"

"Oh, business. It's all very boring. You're little boyfriend stopped by."

"Tim?" she asked excitedly.

"Yeah. He was sad you weren't there."

"Awe I miss him."

Joker pulled his coat off and sat his phone on the table. "What about me?"

"Oh, I missed you too Puddin," she replied with a wink.

"I want to rev up my Harley."

She started backing away toward the bedroom, beckoning him to follow her with her finger.

Joker's phone lay open on the table. The message he thought was Harley's was up on the screen. The ID said Talia and it read "I miss you, beloved."


	15. Woman In Love

**Author's Note (who am I kidding? More like Author's Blog): **It's 10am on Friday December 10, 2010, I'm on my second vanilla coke (of 5), I have a mouthful of gummy worms, I'm running on 4 hours sleep for the entire week, and there are so many post-its on my desk it's completely yellow. And they all say random things like "Barbra Streisand", "Bitch slap the jello!", and "It's my raptor face!". My boss is confused, my coworkers are worried, and there is a toddler giving me the stink eye. Buckle up kids, it's going to be a strange ass day.

* * *

Harley skipped into the kitchen, fired up all the burners on the stove, and started pulling out multiple pans to make a breakfast feast. She flung open the fridge door, pulled out the eggs, milk, leftover pancake batter, butter, and the tube of cinnamon rolls. Next, she preheated the oven, popped open the rolls, and shoved them in the oven while she cracked the eggs and got them going. "Shoot! Sausage," she squeaked opening the fridge again and pulling out the sausage she had left in there last night.

The kitchen began to smell like a 5 star restaurant. Harley couldn't help but smile as she poured her specialty, chocolate chip pancake batter, into a pan. This was going to be the biggest and the best breakfast her Puddin' would ever have. She hummed a happy little ditty while she whipped up her breakfast banquet until a little tune coming from the table distracted her.

Harley walked over to the kitchen table and picked up the cell phone that had been left there last night. "Puddin'," she sighed shaking her head. She picked it up to silence it when the caller ID caught her attention. "Talia?" she asked in disbelief.

"Why would Joker have Talia in his phone? Why would she be calling him?" she thought to herself. Harley debated for all of a second about whether or not she should look at the rest of his calls and texts. She flipped the phone open. Talia had called 6 times the last night and twice this morning. Her heart sank but she kept looking. His inbox was full of texts from her. "I miss you." "Lets talk" "Call me." And all of them ended with "Beloved".

Harley sank down into a chair, hands still clasped around the phone. How could he do this? Why would he do this? Why her? Why Talia? "That son of a bitch," she cried resting her head on the table.

"Smells good in here," Joker said cheerfully as he entered the kitchen still in his silky purple boxers.

She snapped her attention to him and casually slipped the phone back onto the table. She couldn't ask him. She couldn't confront him. Until he admitted it, it wasn't real and that was how she wanted it to stay. "I made all your favorites," she replied softly.

Joker nodded his approval. "Is it done?"

Harley got up and checked everything. "Yeah. It looks done." She walked back over to the table and slipped into her chair.

He joined her with a heaping plate of food. "It all looks delicious. What's the occasion?"

She shook her head. "Just because."

Joker shoved forkfuls of pancakes and eggs into his mouth, barely stopping to breathe. "You're not going to eat?"

"I'm not that hungry," she lied. Really her stomach was aching so much she couldn't stand it but she knew if she even took a bite of toast she'd throw it back up in sheer horror of her discovery.

"You're awfully quiet," he commented.

"I'm just tired I guess."

"Didn't you sleep?"

"Yeah, just not enough."

"You should've laid in bed awhile longer."

Harley got up from the table shakily. It was like she had the flu. "I'm going to go take a bath. Just leave the dishes."

"Are you alright cupcake?"

"Yeah." She fought the tears that were forming in her eyes. She couldn't wait for tonight when she could ask Selina and Ivy what she should do.

* * *

"I just don't think we can make the time mother," Sage sighed into the phone. She was pleading with her eyes to Jonathan to help her out. She'd been on the phone with her mother for 2 hours now and most of the time had been spent trying to convince Sage to bring Jonathan around for dinner so he could meet the family.

When Sage was fired her mother didn't want to speak to her at all. "A common criminal? Really dear, your father and I are so disappointed!" she had huffed. Sage had tried to explain but her mother wouldn't hear it. "Call me when you have some sense," were her final words that day. But last week she had called to say hi, and now she was rolling out the red carpet for Jonathan's welcome to the family party.

"I don't even understand why you want to meet him. Not even a month ago he was scum!" Sage cried.

Her mother sighed in boredom. "Really dear let's not relive old conversations. The point is, if this…man," she forced, "is going to be in your life then your father and I should get to know him."

"Maybe this summer, now is not the best time."

"What could you possibly be doing? Neither of you work."

"We have other things to do," Sage replied indignantly.

"You could stop fornicating like rabbits for one weekend I think."

"MOTHER!" Sage yelled.

Jonathan peered over the top of his Time magazine. "What?" he mouthed.

Sage shook her head.

"What? I imagine if you're living together you're not sleeping in separate rooms."

"This is enough. Mother, I have to go."

"I'll send the driver to pick you up at the train station."

"Mother, we can't make it this weekend."

"Of course you will. I've already sent the tickets. They should be arriving today."

"Mother I…" but Sage didn't have the chance to finish before her mother hung up. "Thanks for all your help!" she snapped to Jonathan.

"What was I supposed to do?" he asked.

"I don't know! Fake an emergency. Demand my attention. Light the apartment on fire. Anything would do!"

"Sorry," he muttered.

"You're going to be. You and I are journeying to Lawrenceville and spending the weekend with my parents."

"Doesn't sound too bad."

"Oh, just you wait buddy!"

* * *

"I lost Bruce," Tim cried in a panic.

"How did you lose him?" Dick asked.

"He was weaving and I got his car confused with another silver Aston Martin.

"Nice job ass."

"Boys," Barbara warned. "Just calm down."

"Maybe we can find him by following Talia," Tim offered.

"Do we know where she is?"

"No."

"Another brilliant plan kid!" Dick barked.

"Maybe the Tipster would. I'll keep an eye on the site for either her or Bruce," Barbara told them.

"I thought you weren't getting involved," Dick teased.

"Just shut up and patrol."

* * *

"Honey, I'm leaving," Joker called through the bathroom door. Harley was on her third bath of the day. Something was up but she wouldn't tell him and he didn't want to push. Maybe the girls would fix the problem. "I have my phone if you need me."

"Ok," she called back. Harley sat in the tub with her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. Her eyes were red from the crying and her nose was running. She didn't even know where he was going, who he was going to be with. She didn't want him to lie. Lying was the worst thing right now.

"Bye," he tried again. There was nothing from the other side of the door. He turned sadly and headed for the living room where Bruce Wayne stood waiting.

"All set?" Bruce asked.

Joker shrugged. "I guess." They walked out of the apartment and stepped into the elevator. "I don't know what is wrong with her. She's been in a weird mood all day."

"Maybe she's tired," Bruce offered.

"She said she was but I'm not buying it. She keeps taking a bath." He drummed his fingers on the hand rail for a minute and then yelled "Oh my god! She was raped!"

Bruce cocked an eyebrow. "Come again?"

"On Law and Order SVU, rape victims always take a millions showers!"

"Ok, one, that's a TV show, and two, this is Harley. I don't think force is going to work," Bruce assured him.

"Then I don't know."

"What, besides the baths, has she been doing all day?" They stepped out onto the street and got into Bruce's car. He had given Alfred the night off since Tim would be patrolling with Dick.

"She got up, made a huge breakfast, and when I came in she was all mopey. She said she wasn't hungry, she was tired, and then she took a bath. After that she crawled onto the couch, wrapped up in a blanket and watched Tyra, something about men cheating. Then she took another bath and then back to the TV for Oprah. Oprah was really interesting it was this whole special on a man who had three wives and they didn't know about each other until he died. Well, after that she ran into the bedroom and took a nap, followed by her third bath."

"I see a little pattern there. Are you cheating on her?" Bruce asked.

"What? No!" Joker yelled. "I took a lot of shit to get her back and I'm not ruining it with some floozy. Besides, Harley is it for me. She gets me."

"Does she think you're cheating?"

"No. Why would she?"

"I don't know. I'm trying to help you. Maybe she's dying."

"You are THE worst friend."

"You should try having me as a boyfriend. Selina could tell you all about it," Bruce joked.

* * *

Harvey stretched out on the couch, ready for a relaxing night at home before his big trip. It was going to be nice. Just him, the TV, and the silence. He was going to sprawl out on the bed later, read a little, eat cookies if he wanted, and just sleep for 10 hours. Oh yeah, it was going to be good.

He flipped the TV on, kicked his slippers off, and got ready for some quality time with himself.

* * *

"Harley girl!" Ivy called as she pounded on the door.

"Maybe the Joker hasn't left yet and we're 'interrupting'," Selina joked making air quotes.

"So wrong. So very very wrong," Ivy laughed shaking her head. "Come on lady, let us in!"

Harley opened the door slowly. She didn't look up at her friends, she didn't greet them. She just pulled her sweater around her tighter and went back to the couch.

"Hey, what's up?" Selina asked taking the seat next to her while Ivy got up on the couch's arm and threw an arm around Harley.

"Joker is cheating on me," Harley sobbed.

"What?" Ivy cried in disbelief.

"He is. With Talia!"

Selina looked up at Ivy. They had to tread carefully. Flat out telling Harley that the idea of the Joker and the Demon's little girl together was ridiculous would result in her losing it. "Harley," Selina began gently, "Joker loves you. Why would you think he's cheating on you?"

"And with Talia, of all people!" Ivy added.

Harley wiped her nose on her sleeve and panted. "She was calling and texting him."

"But how do you know it was her?" Ivy asked.

"Her name was on the caller ID! And she said things like 'I miss you' and 'call me' and 'I still love you' and she kept calling him her 'beloved'."

Selina rubbed Harley's back. Something didn't add up. It sounded like Talia but why would she want to be with Joker? Why would Joker want anything to do with her either? Talia was nothing like Harley and while men's types varied sometimes, she couldn't imagine they would be that random. Not even the Joker. And beloved, that was something she called Bruce and only Bruce. The math here was all wrong. "Did you ask Joker about it?" Selina asked.

"No. I can't. I don't want to here it. I don't want him to admit it and I don't want him to lie about it."

"How about we crack open a bottle of wine and see if alcohol doesn't rectify this situation," Ivy suggested pulling a bottle out of her overnight bag.

"I don't think it'll help," Harley sighed.

"I have never known a problem where alcohol didn't help and frankly, I don't ever want to," Selina replied opening the bottle.

"I'll get glasses," Harley offered miserably.

"Forget it, we each got a bottle," Ivy told her pulling out the other two.

* * *

"Why would she suspect me of cheating?" Joker asked, dropping his menu on the table. "We're together more often than not, I tell her daily I love her, and I'm friskier now than ever."

"That last bit, about being frisky, I didn't need to know it," Bruce said as politely as he could.

"And it's not like the sex has gone bad. We're still playful, wild, and adventurous. If it was getting vanilla I could understand her suspicions," he went on.

"I would like to hear less about your sex life."

"We even play this game where she's an alien princess and I…"

"Shut up!" Bruce yelled.

"I'm just sharing."

"That's an over share. Officially classified as too much sharing."

Joker picked his menu back up and rolled his eyes. "Touchy."

"It's just weird."

"Aren't guys supposed to rehash sexual conquests with each other?"

"Would you like to hear about Alice and Jervis's bedroom activities?" Bruce asked.

"I see your point. Let's change topics."

"Thank you."

"What do you think about Clark?"

"Clark who?"

Joker sat his menu back down and stared at Bruce in mild irritation. "Let's not play dumb. I know you're smarter than that now. Clark Kent, Selina's new boy toy."

"He's actually a friend of mine," Bruce replied plainly.

"Was."

"Excuse me?"

"He WAS a friend of yours."

"Clark and I are still good."

"Sorry, you don't date your friend's ex girl and stay good. If I broke up with Harley and you dated her, I would gut you like the weasel you are."

Bruce raised his eyebrows and went wide eyed. "That's specific. Have you given this some thought?"

"I'm just saying, it doesn't work."

"I would like to think I'm a little more evolved and that I can handle my good friend dating my ex girlfriend. Selina and I are over and she ended it so I don't see us happening again."

"Well I hate the guy."

"Why?"

"Because, you're my friend and he's just some asshat off the street!"

Bruce smiled. Things had gone so wrong somewhere. He never thought in a million years any of his enemies would call him their friend, especially not Joker. He wondered what would happen if he told him he was Batman. Would he leave? Would he lunge across the table and try to kill him? Would the conflict between them be over? No, it definitely wouldn't end. Joker would still be Joker. But could Bruce still be Batman then? At first he had been faking kindness toward these loons when he was with Selina. Just so she could keep her friends but now, well, he cared a little. Could he still throw Ivy in Arkham at night and then listen to her stories, laugh at her jokes, and dance with her at the Iceberg the next day when she broke out? When it came down to it, would he be able to take out Harley Quinn without thinking about the way she lit up a room when she smiled? What about his new drinking buddy Eddie? Will he be able to separate Riddler from Eddie when Gotham was at stake or would he feel guilty socking him in the face?

"You've gone quiet," Joker commented.

"I was just thinking."

"Careful, it's a dangerous road."

Bruce nodded. No, he could still be Batman and be in their lives as Bruce. He was master of the double life and they weren't really his friends. They were friendly acquaintances he saw from time to time and used to keep tabs on the underworld. Nothing more. Except Harvey. Harvey was his friend. Hell, his best friend right now.

* * *

"I have looked everywhere and there's no sign of those two," Tim sighed over the communicator.

"Did you try the Iceberg?" Dick asked.

"Oh, no. I didn't even think to check the Rogue hangout for a Rogue!"

"I'm sensing sarcasm."

"You should. It's so thick you need a machete."

"Barbara, I need a location on Robin so I can kick his smart ass."

Barbara rolled her eyes. "I'll keep scanning the Tipster site for any news."

* * *

Harvey stretched his arms and yawned. It had to be late. He hit the info button on the remote to check the time. 7:45. He hit the button again. 7:46. "Stupid clock is wrong," he muttered to himself. He grabbed his phone off the table to check the time there, 7:46. "What the hell? It's a conspiracy against me!" He jumped up from the couch and ran to the kitchen. Ivy always kept the stove clock right. 7:47. "I've been alone for 47 minutes and it feels like hours." He slumped back down onto the couch. "This is just sad."

* * *

"I have been the ultimate girlfriend," Harley whined as she gulped down her wine. "I have stayed with him through everything! I gave up my life for him! My job! My apartment! Marriage! Children!" she listed. "And what did I get? I got a criminal record, more broken bones than a plane crash survivor, and a boyfriend who cheats on me!" Harley curled up in the fetal position on her side and cried.

"Oh, Harl," Ivy soothed.

"The best years of my life I chased him around waiting for him to love me and then he finally says it only to fool around with some other girl. I look like such a jackass, running around Gotham all happy in my fairytale ending. I never cheated on him! I even cheated on Eddie with him! Oh! Eddie! He was such a nice guy." Harley started to cry harder and her words became lost in a sea of tears.

Selina took another giant sip of her wine and patted Harley on the back. "Honey, forget him. He isn't worth the tears. Men who cheat are scum. Lower than scum they're…they're…shit. That's what they are. Trust me, I've been there and then I took the louse back only to have him screw me in a totally new way. Fuck men."

"It's refreshing, not being the man-hater in the group," Ivy joked.

"Ha! Just you wait," Selina scoffed.

"What does that mean?" Ivy asked.

"If the Joker is straying, then it's only a mater of time until Twoface gets frisky. Harvey may be happy with you but how much longer can he really keep control? Once Twoface hears about Joker, he's going to want in on the action."

Ivy threw a pillow at Selina's head. "I know you're drunk and slightly bitter right now but next time you say something like that, I'm shoving a seed in your throat and killing you."

Selina shoved the pillow under neck. "Fair enough."

Harley's heavy sobs had subsided into small sniffles. "Well, I'll tell you what, he can just cry me a river if he wants back in my good graces. I've used enough tears on his pasty ass."

"That a girl Harley!" Selina cheered.

"That's what we need! Barbra Streisand!" Harley cried cheerfully popping up off the couch and dashing to the stereo. "I want to listen to 'Cry Me a River'."

"Oh not that sappy stuff," Selina groaned.

"It's a good breakup song!" Harley argued.  
"If you wanna slit your wrists."

"No! It's the sad breakup song! See, you listen to the sad song for awhile after things end and then you listen to a happier breakup song to boost you up after you're done crying. My happy breakup song is 'No More Tears'." Harley explained.

"Which one is that?" Ivy asked.

"Oh, it's also called 'Enough Is Enough'."

Selina rolled her eyes. "That's your problem, Streisand. For breakups you need Cher. 'Strong Enough' and 'Save Up All Your Tears'. Those are breakup songs to get you over a guy."

Ivy shook her head. "Nope. No way. Madonna."

"Madonna? Come on!" Selina laughed.

"I'm telling you, 'Sorry' and 'Take a Bow'. Those are the songs."

"You're both insane. Barbra Streisand is the ultimate in music."

"You have to say that," Selina replied. "You're a Jew! If you didn't like Barbra she'd come after you."

"True story," Harley agreed.

* * *

"Top story tonight, Oswald and Scarlet out to dinner. Which means little ol' Holly is in charge at the Iceberg. In just a little more that a year she's gone from waitress to Oswald's right hand gal. I wonder how she did it and how long it'll be before Scarlet takes that spot. Watch your back Holls, the boss's girl always gets what she wants. And we have an A.P.B. out on Bruce Wayne. If you see him, let me know."

* * *

"Why are you calling me on my phone?" Tim asked.

"I want to talk to you and I don't want Barbara to hear," Dick replied.

Tim switched off his communicator. "Ok, what's going on?"

"Barbara is the Tipster!"

"Did you help Gordon bust that meth lab a little bit ago? I think you may have accidentally gotten a hit of some."

"No! Did you read the Tipster update?"

"Yeah…Oswald and Scarlet are having dinner. So?"

"There was an A.P.B. out on Bruce and Barbara said she was going to monitor the Tipster site to see where he is."

"Maybe the Tipster just wants a better story and figured with Talia in town there was bound to be one with Bruce," Tim argued.

"Think about it. Who ever is doing this has a lot of computer knowledge and Barbara is a computer genius. Plus she has the ability to monitor everyone in Gotham all the time."

"She has the means but what's the motive?"

"Attention? Something to fill her time with? I don't know."

"I get what you're saying but I don't think we should all out accuse her."

"No, let's talk about it with the big guy first."

"Yeah. Should we call Alfred now or just discuss it at home?"

"At home," Dick answered. "Let's not burden him now."

* * *

"Hey, Eddie, buddy, my man! What's going on?" Harvey cried cheerfully through the phone.

"Who is this?" Eddie asked.

"Harvey!"

"I thought so but I wasn't sure. You're so…cheerful."

"What are you up to?"

"Nothing much. Holly's at work so I'm at home watching TV."

"Great! Open the door."

Eddie got up off the couch slowly and crossed the room to the door. He turned the knob and opened the door, holding his breath all the while.

"Hi!" Harvey greeted walking into Eddie apartment. "What are we watching?"

"Whatever you would like." Eddie sighed. So much for a relaxing night alone.

* * *

"The Tipster is looking for you," Joker said as he casually read the update.

"What for?" Bruce asked.

"Doesn't say. Don't worry, I won't tell her you're here."

"I'm sure someone will." Bruce cut another piece of steak and shoved it into his mouth. "We have the same phone."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I never noticed before but we do. I can't find mine though. I think I left it in a pair of pants or something."

* * *

"Hey kids!" Harvey said, pushing past Alice and Jervis into their living room.

"Harvey? What are you doing here?" Jervis asked nervously.

"Oh, Ivy is over at Harley's with Selina and I got bored at home. I went over to Eddie's but he's in a mood or something."

"Excuse me for a second," Jervis replied politely making his way to the bedroom. He pulled his phone out and quickly dialed Eddie's number.

"Hello," Eddie answered.

"Why the hell is Harvey in my apartment?"

"I don't know."

"Liar! He said he was at your place first. What happened?"

"He barges on over like I invited him, plops down on my couch, changes my channel, and then eats all my popcorn. I started to get mad but the last straw came when him and Twoface got into a brawl over a movie. Twoface wanted to watch The Departed and Harvey wanted to watch The Hangover. They tossed crap everywhere! My apartment looks like a tornado hit it! I'm not even sure what I saw could happen! I have to clean this shit up! What's Holly going to say when she comes home and sees a Harvey's head sized hole in the painting she bought for over the couch? I got to listen to her bitch…"

Jervis hung up before Eddie really got going.

* * *

"It's not fair that I have to sit here and feel this horrible while he's out having the time of his life with that cheap slut," Harley yelled springing up from the couch. She shoved her spoon back into her Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream and lunged for her phone. "If I'm miserable then he's going to be miserable too!"

"That a girl!" Selina cheered shoving more ice cream into her mouth.

Harley fumed with every ring of his phone. He wasn't going to get off easy. Ohhhh nooo! He was going to get it.

* * *

"His phone is ringing!" Dick whispered anxiously.

"They can't hear you unless you answer the phone," Barbara sighed pinching the bridge of her nose.

"It's Talia."

"I thought he was with her. Why is she calling?"

"I don't know…should I answer it?"

Barbara thought for a minute. "I don't know. If you do it's an invasion of privacy and what if he's calling from her phone? Then you have to explain yourself and…"

"Hello?" Dick answered.

* * *

"Hello?"

"Who do you think you are?" Harley yelled through the phone. "Where do you get off running around on me? I am a woman! A WO-MAN! And not just any woman, I'm your girlfriend! What gives you the right to go behind my back and get your jollies with some floozy? Huh? Answer me you spineless albino weasel!"

"Harley?" Dick asked. He was completely confused. Harley Quinn was the heart in Bruce's phone? What the hell?

"How dare you ask me who I am! What? You deleted me from your contacts?" she screamed.

"Harley, it's Dick," he cried trying to get her to stop yelling at him.

"Why in the hell are you answering Joker's phone?"

"Joker's phone? This is…" He thought about it. That heart, the random names in the phone like "Straw for brains", the crazy ringtones. "Oh shit! The bar!"

"What is going on?" Harley asked.

"Harley, I was at the Iceberg last night and I must've grabbed Joker's phone off the bar. I'm sorry."

"Whose phone does Joker have?"

"He has Bruce's phone."

Harley dropped her phone on the floor and started jumping up and down on the couch. "My Puddin' loves me! He's not cheating!"

"Hello? Heeeellllllooooo!" Dick yelled trying to get someone's attention.

Selina picked the phone up off the floor. "Hi."

"Hi Selina. Do you know where Joker is?"

"What's going on?" she asked.

"Long story but the short version is, Joker has Bruce's phone and I have Joker's phone."

"How did that happen?"

"They got switched on the bar at the Iceberg."

"Why do you have Bruce's phone?"

"That's where the story gets long. So, Joker. Where's he at?"

"Harley, where is your Puddin'?"

Harley stopped jumping. "I don't know. I forgot to ask."

"We don't know," Selina told Dick.

"Lovely. Just Lovely."

* * *

"Joker. Can anyone give me a location on Joker?" Dick yelled through the communicator as he tried to wriggle out of his Nightwing costume and into his street clothes.

"No one has seen Joker all night either according to the Tipster," Barbara replied.

"More like according to you," Dick mumbled.

"I didn't hear that last part."

"Swearing at myself."

"Oh! There's a new Tipster post on the site! It's Joker, in the bathroom at Ciao Bella!"

"Using the bathroom?" Dick asked in disgust.

"No, just in the bathroom. It says, 'Joker's having dinner at Ciao Bella, but whose he having dinner with?' and then there's a picture of him at the sink."

"I'm on my way."

* * *

"Who IS joker having dinner with at Ciao Bella?" Harley asked.

"You still don't think he's cheating do you?" Ivy groaned.

"Only one way to settle this," Selina told them standing up. "Let's go grab some Italian."

* * *

"Grab me another beer while you're up," Harvey barked as Jervis walked into the kitchen.

"Sure thing," he replied meekly.

Alice buried her face in his back. "Honey, just tell him to scoot."

"Thing like that could get me killed. You don't tell Twoface what to do. Or Joker for that matter. They're dominant. I can't even tell Eddie what to do. Hell! I can't tell Jonathan Crane what to do."

Alice smiled. "You want me to get rid of him?"

"Honey, you just don't go and tell Harvey Dent to…" But it was too late. Alice was already back in the living room.

She stood in between Harvey and the TV. She snatched the blanket off him, wrenched the remote out of his hand, and pulled him up off the couch by his shirt. She dragged him to the door and pushed him out into the hallway. "Thanks for stopping by!" she said cheerfully as she slammed the door in his face.

* * *

Harley, Ivy, and Selina burst into Ciao Bella like three madwoman. Their hair was slightly askew from lying around all night, they all smelled like a vineyard, and none of them were properly dressed to be out in the cold. They scanned the room for any sign of the Joker.

"Can I get you ladies a table?" the host asked trying to be polite as he could.

"There he is!" Ivy yelled pointing at a table all the way in the back.

The three women stomped through the restaurant completely ignoring the stares of the other patrons. When they got up to the table, Harley slammed her purse down and glared.

"Harley?" Joker asked in disbelief.

"I am a woman. A WO-MAN! And not just any woman. I am your girlfriend and you are just at some fancy Italian joint with…with..."she looked across the table to see who he was with, "with Bruce Wayne and…wait…Bruce?"

The women all looked at him. Bruce just smiled, gave a little wave, and said "Hi ladies."

Harley picked up her purse and slapped Joker on the shoulder with it. "How dare you! That is Selina's ex!"

Joker put his hands up to defend himself from her blows.

"Selina is a WO-MAN and my best friend and you are just running around on her!" she yelled.

"Calm down and have another drink, WO-MAN!" Joker cried back.

Selina grabbed the purse from Harley and hit Joker on top of the head with it. Ivy decided she didn't want to be left out so she grabbed the bag next and popped him on the side of the face.

"You better have your ass home in the morning!" Harley warned as they stalked off. "And if you ever talk to Talia Al Ghul I'll make you a shade of black you've never seen!"

"Jumping Johnny cakes! Those dames are cheesed!" Joker growled.

"Simpsons?" Bruce asked.

"Yeah. I've been waiting to use it."

"What the hell was all that?"

Joker shrugged. "Alcohol?"

Dick ran up to the table. "Yeah don't worry about them. They'll be fine in the morning."

"What did you do?" Bruce questioned.

"Nothing. Can I just see your phone?" Dick asked as he rummaged through Joker's jacket.

"Help yourself!" he replied sarcastically.

"Thanks. Oh! Here it is." Dick flipped it open, checked the contacts list just to make sure, and then pocketed it. "Thank you and here's this," he said handing Joker the other phone. "Enjoy your dinner."

"What the hell is going on?" Joker asked as Dick ran back out of Ciao Bella.

"It's best to just let it go. Things will work themselves out."


	16. Animal

**Author's Note:** Hope everyone had an awesome Christmas and a good New Year's Eve. I bought myself a PS3 and it's a good thing I did because my stepdad got me Arkham Asylum for Christmas! I love the hell out of it. I also picked myself up Mortal Kombat VS DC. Super awesome as well. And New Year's Eve gave me ideas and a new hangout. Now, on with the show!

Oh and just a little warning…the end gets a little racy. Nothing pornographic, just…racy.

* * *

"Har-ley!" Joker whined as he rapped on the door for the millionth time. His wrist was weak and his knuckles were bruised from knocking. "My own damned place and I can't get in!"

Harvey stepped off the elevator and into the hallway where Joker was leaning against the door, pitifully tapping on the door. "Problem chief?"

"I left my keys at the apartment last night and now I can't get in," he explained.

"Did you try calling?" Harvey asked.

Joker scowled. "No, I'm just sitting in the hallway like a whiney child."

"Sarcasm will not get you what you want," Harvey teased.

"What do you want?"

"I've come to collect my woman and take her to our romantic Italian getaway."

"I thought you were going to Venice."

"Venice is in Italy. Buy a globe."

Joker slumped down onto the floor and rested his back against the door. "I think I knew that but I'm too tired to really think."

"What did you do last night?"

"I went out with Bruce. We did dinner and I was stressing over Harley's peculiar behavior and then she and the girls busted in like crazy women, beat me with a purse, and left, and then Dick comes in and switches my phone because apparently I've had someone else's for God knows how long. Follow that with a lot of drinking and you get this confused, scared, sad little clown you see before you," Joker explained.

"Sounds like your regular Tuesday," Harvey joked.

"I don't like you anymore. I don't like this joking, funny, happy-go-lucky attitude you've been sporting ever since you tapped the red head's ass. I like old Harvey. Grumpy, moody, mysterious, and where the hell is Twoface? Have you killed him?"

"He's content. Now, I need to catch a plane so if you'll excuse me," Harvey replied stepping next to Joker and pounding on the door.

"They can't hear you," Joker huffed.

Harvey pulled out his phone and hit speed dial 2 for Ivy. It went straight to voicemail. "Are you sure they're even here?"

"I wasn't even sure I was at the right place until you showed up."

"Comforting."

Joker pulled his phone out and redialed Harley's number. It went to voicemail as well. "That's great. Before it at least rang."

Harvey dialed Selina's number. It rang. "We may have something here."

"Mmllo," Selina muttered into the phone.

"Selina? It's Harvey. Joker and I are at the door and we can't get in because he left his keys at home. Want to let us in?"

"I don't…there's…pillow," she replied and hung up the phone.

"And then she hung up," Harvey sighed.

"What do we do now?" Joker asked.

"Is there any sentimental attachment to this door?"

"No. Why?"

Harvey didn't answer. He just put his foot through the door, reached in the hole, and unlocked the door from the inside.

"Why didn't I think of that?"

* * *

Alice dashed down the hallway and into the bathroom where she launched herself and the toilet and threw up for the second time that morning, 100th time that week. Jervis followed quickly and gathered her hair up. (That's true love right there kids. I don't know many guys who will voluntarily stand behind you while you vomit and hold your hair back) "Why is this happening to me!" she whined between dry heaves.

"I don't know baby. Maybe we should see a doctor. You've been sick for a week now. This can't be good," Jervis pleaded.

Alice cried and curled into a ball on the floor while Jervis rubbed her back.

* * *

Harvey dragged Ivy into the spare bedroom in Joker's penthouse and began undressing her. They were going to miss their flight if he didn't move quickly. He rummaged through her overnight bag and pulled out two shirts and two pairs of pants. He had no clue which outfit went together. Harvey poked his head out the door and called for Joker.

"For the love of Gary Sinise," Joker grumbled as he dragged his carcass to the bedroom. "What?"

"What the hell does Gary Sinise have to do with anything?" Harvey asked.

"Gary Sinise was like Jesus in the Stand so when I say for the love of Jesus I say Gary Sinise. Now what do you want?"

"Which outfit goes together?" Harvey pulled out both outfits and waved them in the air.

"Really?" Joker yelled.

"Help me!"

"For that I would need a PHD in psychology," he muttered. "Pink top and black pants. Can I go to sleep now?"

"Thank you." Harvey went back into the bedroom and dressed Ivy. He then slung her over his shoulder, carried her out of the building, and put her in the cab which had been waiting an expensive amount of time.

Joker sauntered into his bedroom and smiled a little wider. Harley was spread out on the bed, on top of the covers. He quickly crossed the room and carefully crawled over her so he could lie beside her. He snuggled up close and she instinctively rolled over and curled up in the little nook under his arm. But then something strange happened, Joker felt another set of arms encircle him. He looked over and screamed. There, in his bed next to him, cuddling him, was Selina Kyle.

Both Harley and Selina shot up and jumped out of bed. "What the hell?" Selina cried first.

"You… are… in… my… bed!" Joker yelled back, punctuating each word.

"When did you get home Puddin'?" Harley asked.

"This morning. I was pounding on the door and calling like crazy. You were cuddling me!" he hollered pointing at Selina.

"You need to calm down," Selina warned.

"I was violated!"

"I'm going to violate you in a minute," she hissed back.

"How did you get in?" Harley questioned, completely ignoring the situation at hand.

"Harvey kicked in the door. You nuzzled my neck!"

Selina rolled her eyes and walked out of the room to sleep on the couch.

"I was so scared," Joker cried curling up into the fetal position.

* * *

Tim and Bruce sat at the breakfast nook in the kitchen. Bruce lazily turned the page of his newspaper and munched on some toast while Tim shoved eggs, pancakes, and sausage into his mouth like a regular pig.

"If you keep eating that way, you'll choke," Alfred warned.

"I can't help it! I'm a growing boy and I'm starving from being on patrol all night," he replied, spraying syrup across the table.

Alfred shook his head and went to retrieve the orange juice from the refrigerator. He turned around just in time for Dick to snatch the jug from Alfred's hand and start drinking from it.

"I buy that juice for everyone, not just you. And why are you here? You don't live here anymore. Buy your own juice!" Bruce complained setting his paper down on the table.

"What happened to 'We're family. We stick together. No matter what happens, you're my son'? And what happened to good morning for that matter?" Dick joked sliding into the breakfast nook.

"Fine. Good morning. You're like my son, I love you. Stop drinking my damn juice from the jug. Use a glass or buy your own juice. Oh, and, we're family no matter what."

"Thank you. I'm not sure it was heartfelt and sincere but I'll take it."

"Good. Next question, why do you have my phone?"

"Who said I have your phone?" Dick asked innocently.

"Joker and I have the same phone. For some reason you had Joker's phone last night and had to switch them out. My phone is missing. Being the world's greatest detective, I deduced that you traded Joker's phone for mine. 1) I would like it back and 2) why do you have it?" Bruce explained.

Dick slowly pulled the phone out of his pocket and looked to Tim for help.

"Why do you have his phone?" Tim asked. He turned to Bruce, smiled sweetly, gave him big puppy dog eyes and said "I love you daddy."

"See, now I'm worried because obviously you're in this together," Bruce said scooting away from Tim a little.

"Being a spineless little twerp won't help you," Dick joked.

"I can sit here all day and wait for the answers to my questions," Bruce reminded them.

Tim broke first. "I heard you on the phone making plans and Dick and I thought you were making plans with Talia so we snatched your phone to see what you were up to but it turns out you were making plans with Joker, which, by the way, is almost as bad, but we didn't know it was the Joker so we followed you trying to stop you and Talia from dating. But before last night, Dick accidentally switched your phone with Joker's so we thought all the calls and texts from Harley were really from Talia."

"And that's why Harley thought Joker was cheating on her with Talia. Oh, and Talia texted and called a lot. I deleted them…and her number," Dick added.

Bruce stared at them. "I don't even know where to begin."

"I can go to my room and Dick could go to his," Tim offered.

"You two are aware that I am an adult right? That I can make my own decisions?" Bruce sighed.

Alfred spit a little water out of his mouth as he stifled a laugh.

"I heard that," Bruce told him. "As far as Talia goes, I'm not interested anymore."

"Yes," Alfred cheered in a little more than a whisper.

"Anything else from the peanut gallery?" Bruce asked sarcastically.

Alfred remained silent and started to fill the sink to do dishes.

"Anyway," he continued, "don't steal my things and don't delete stuff from my phone. Any questions?"

"Are we grounded?" Tim asked.

"Yes. Yes you are grounded. Both of you. But especially you Dick," Bruce joked.

"Why is Tim your favorite?" Dick questioned.

"Because, he listens better," he replied plainly. "Alright, I'm jumping in the shower." He got up from the table, started to walk away, and then turned back. "Taking my phone with me in case you decide I don't need to be friends with anyone else anymore."

Tim and Dick waited until they heard him reach the stairs and then they jumped up from the table and rushed Alfred.

He looked up from the dishes and raised an eyebrow. "Can I help you gentlemen?"

"We know who the Tipster is!" they shouted together.

"You should tell Master Bruce then."

"We can't yet. We need more proof," Dick explained.

"And just who do you think it is?"

"Barbara," Tim replied.

"Barbara? Our Barbara? Miss Gordon Barbara?" Alfred asked in disbelief.

"It's totally plausible!" Dick went on. "She knows all about the computer crap, she has access to everyone, and she can see what anyone is up to at any point!"

"Motive?"

"That's the one thing we don't have," Tim admitted.

"That and actual proof," Alfred replied.

"Alright, so we get proof," Tim said.

"How do you propose to do that?"

"We'll just break into the clock tower and hack her computer," Dick told them.

"I'm sure this will work out rather well for your relationship," Alfred sighed.

* * *

Scarlet chewed her fingernails while she watched Oswald bark orders at the sales people in the furniture store. Last night was the first night she had Oswald at her place and the moment he walked in, he decided it needed a serious redecoration. "Everything looks so cheap," he had told her.

She wandered over to a coffee table and ran her fingers across the top. It was smooth almost as shiny as the diamond tennis bracelet he had given her last week. "This table is nice," she said to him.

Oswald looked over and frowned. "We're going with mahogany sweetie."

"I don't understand why I even need new furniture. I practically live at your place," she replied.

"Because, there are days and nights where we aren't together and I would like you to live luxuriously."

"If I just moved in with you then I would live luxuriously all the time and it would be cheaper for you in the long run," Scarlet offered.

Oswald stopped examining the couches. He took a deep breath and thought quickly, "But don't you like having your own space?"

"I like being in your space."

He chewed his cigarette holder, carefully choosing his words so she wouldn't catch on. "But honey, we really just started dating again. We don't want to rush into anything."

She sighed and wandered over to a couch. She plopped down onto it. "This one is comfy, and it'll match the chair."

Oswald wandered over and sat down next to her. "I like it."

She smiled. "We should put it in your place."

"But we're shopping for you."

Scarlet threw her arms up in frustration.

"Honey, I love you but we should take it slow."

She got up off the couch. "Whatever. I'm going to MY place."

* * *

Alice and Holly sat in the waiting room at the doctor's office. Alice bounced her legs and hugged her stomach while Holly texted away. "You're supposed to be here to support me, not text your boyfriend," Alice whined.

Holly rolled her eyes and shoved her phone in her pocket. "This is my one day off this week and you drag me the doctor with you. I'm sorry I want to talk to my boyfriend for a minute."

"I'm sick and you're my big sister. You need to be all caring and motherly. Besides, you see him at night when you get off."

"At three in the morning! Passed out Eddie is not as fun as awake Eddie. And shouldn't Jervis be taking care of you?"

"He's freaking out too much. I thought he might lose it if the doctor told him I have the flu or something."

Holly's phone went off again. "Its work, can I answer it?"

"If you must," Alice sighed.

"Hello. What? Can't Kelly come in? It's my one day off and I'm already spending the day at the doctor with my sister, I wan the night for Eddie. Fine." Holly snapped her phone closed and stuffed it back into her pocket.

"Have to work?"

"Liza called off. She got hit by a cab. It's a broken leg for god's sake. Get a wheel chair."

Alice giggled.

"One night. All I want is one night with my boyfriend."

"Don't you have a second in command?"

"Scarlet was my second but she quit so now I have to cover everyone and we lost three waitresses around Christmas and Tina just put in a two weeks notice."

"Ask Scarlet if she wants to come back," Alice offered.

"Why would she want to work when she has a man who takes care of her?"

Alice shrugged. "Boredom?"

"You don't want a job, do you?" Holly asked hopefully.

"Sure. If I can shake this stomach bug I'm all yours."

"Seriously?"

"For reals! I'd be glad to help."

"Ms. Spungeon?" the nurse called from the doorway.

"Me! Let's roll sistah."

* * *

"I'm bored," Joker moaned, poking Harley in the shoulder.

"Wanna watch a movie?" she asked.

"Grab a horror flick."

Harley jumped up off the couch and scurried to their DVD collection. Her fingers quickly found Nightmare on Elm Street but before she could pull it out, Joker objected. She huffed and put it back. "Why?" she whined.

"I don't like the way you look at Freddy Krueger."

"I can't help it if he's sexy," she replied pulling a different movie out.

"How is he sexy?"

"Deformed, psychotic, a little perverted, and he makes jokes. Totally my type."

"I'm not perverted!" Joker huffed.

"Yeah, you kind of are. How about Hellraiser?"

"Fine."

Harley shoved the movie into the DVD player and took her seat on the couch, snuggled up next to Joker. As the movie went on, Harley snuggled up closer to her Puddin'. She started to bite her lip to from grinning too much. Every time Pinhead appeared on the screen she would run her fingernails up her thighs and grip the blanket as tightly as she could. And of course, Joker was oblivious.

* * *

While Alice was being examined, Holly sat in the waiting room, playing with her phone. She took a deep breath and called Scarlet.

"Hi," Scarlet answered sounding rather gruff.

"Hi, Scarlet it's Holly…"

"I know."

"Oh, yeah, ok, um, listen, I know you and Oswald are a thing and that you really don't need to work but…"

"You want me to come back don't you?" Scarlet asked.

"I could really use the help and if it's only temporary that's cool too."

"When do you want me?"

"Seriously? You'll do it?" she cried.

"I know we were kind of at odds these last months but before the whole Eddie business we were good friends. I would've done anything for you and I really want us to get back to that, starting with this."

"I missed you too."

Scarlet laughed. "No more boys are coming between us."

"Hells no!"

"So, want me in tonight?"

"You would be my hero forever. Oh! There's Alice. Just be there at 7. Thank you so much!"

"Don't mention it. Have fun with Eddie!"

Holly got up from her chair and put her phone away. "So, what's the verdict?"

Alice was smiling like a maniac even though there were tears streaming down her face.

* * *

Eddie sat across the kitchen table from Jervis. Holly had asked him to keep the jittery Joe company while she and Alice waited for the doctor. He sipped his coffee and looked at the time. What was taking so long?

"She's dying and she doesn't want to tell me," Jervis sighed.

"She's not dying. She probably has the flu. It's going around," Eddie replied.

"No, she would've called me by now."

"Maybe they're waiting for a test result."

"I know it's something horrible."

"You are a real downer."

"My girlfriend is dying and you are making fun of me? What kind of friend are you?"

"The kind that would rather be at home with his girlfriend."

Jervis started to cry again. "You're mean."

"Oh for the love of…" But before he could finish the sentence, Alice and Holly walked in the door.

"Awe! Honey don't cry," Alice soothed running over to Jervis and giving him a hug.

"It's horrible isn't it?"

"No, it's the exact opposite. I'm not sick at all."

"What's wrong with her?" Eddie asked.

"Wait for it," Holly told him.

"Then what is it?" Jervis sniffled.

Alice crawled into his lap, smiled as big as she could, and said "I'm having your baby!"

"You mean you're…"

"Yup!"

"And I'm going to…"

"Uh huh!"

"That's…that's…tha…" Jervis's eyes started to roll back into his head and after a second, he fainted.

* * *

"Why couldn't we just have stayed home?" Harley asked as she dragged her heels walking into the Iceberg.

"I though it would be nice to go out," Joker replied, pulling her along.

"But being at home is nice too."

"I'm sure you'll be just as frisky when we get home. It's just a quick bite to eat, a little mingling, and then right back home," he assured her.

She begrudgingly took a seat at the table. "Home by 10?"

"Home by 10, promise."

* * *

"Giant congratulations to Alice and Jervis! And even bigger congratulations for those who put money on them being the first couple to have a baby! Tomorrow I'll have a whole new betting sheet up for you guys."

* * *

"That is exactly what I need," Bruce groaned putting his phone down. He dug his palms into his eyes. "What else could happen?" he thought out loud.

"Hello, Beloved."

"Why me?" he cried not wanting to look up but knowing he had to. There she stood, Talia Al Ghul in all her glory.

"You're a hard man to get a hold of," she said taking a seat across from him, not waiting for an invitation.

"Dick and Tim stole my phone," he said plainly.

"Why?"

"They don't like you."

She smirked. "Are they afraid of losing their daddy?"

"No, I think it's just a thing with you. They think you're bad for me."

"Do you think I'm bad for you?"

Bruce smiled and reached across the table to grab her hand. He stroked her with his thumb for a minute and finally said, "You're like cancer."

He expected her to get up and leave the restaurant in a huff to tell her father but she didn't. Instead, Talia just laughed.

"I didn't realize I had made a joke."

"I'm laughing because you try so hard to resist me but we both know how you feel about me."

"Talia, I don't feel anything for you anymore."

"You do, and you'll realize it soon enough."

Bruce rolled his eyes. This woman never learned the meaning of no.

"Have you ordered dinner yet?" she asked picking up the menu.

"No," he sighed reaching for his own. She obviously wasn't going anywhere, might as well make the best of it.

"Bruce?" Clark called crossing the room with Selina in tow. She glared up at him. Why was he setting up an awkward moment? (Because the writer LOVES awkward moments)

"Clark!" Bruce greeted shaking his hand. "Selina."

"Bruce," she replied forcing a smile.

"Talia, this is my good friend Clark Kent and you already know Selina Kyle. Clark, this is Talia."

"Pleasure to meet you," Talia said offering her hand to Clark. "And it's lovely seeing you again Selina."

Selina just kept smiling. She wanted to grab a chunk of Talia's hair and take it home as a souvenir.

"Look, Bruce, I wanted to talk to you about me and Selina," Clark began.

"Don't worry about it. We're friends. I give you my blessing," Bruce lied.

Talia reached across the table and took Bruce's hand. "I'm sure he'll be just fine."

Selina stared daggers at her. It was not going to go down like this. She nuzzled up closer to Clark.

Bruce watched her and pulled free of Talia. "You guys should join us."

"We don't want to intrude," Clark replied.

"Nonsense Clark, we were invited." Selina jumped in the seat next to Bruce.

"I guess we will then."

* * *

"First night off in weeks!" Holly cheered as she sunk down onto the couch. "What should we do?"

"Run away so you never have to go back," Eddie replied cozying up next to her.

"I wish. Things should be a little better now that Scarlet is back on board. Things would be awesome if Alice wasn't knocked up. She was going to sign on too."

"I can't believe they're having a baby."

"I can't believe Jervis is still unconscious," she laughed.

"What are they going to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"About the baby."

Holly straightened up and turned to face him. "They're going to have a baby and be a family."

Eddie laughed.

"I don't see the humor in what I said."

"Alice is barely more than a child herself and Jervis is the Mad Hatter, do you understand that? He may be mellow right now but it isn't going to last forever. There's going to be a day when he gets this crazy idea to take over Gotham, destroy the Bat, or just cause mayhem and he's going to do it and then go to Arkham where he'll sit until he feels the need to break out. We're all just waiting for the moment when we feel its right to strike," he explained.

"Even you?"

He looked away from her and rubbed his jaw. "I've been working on a new puzzle…"

Holly got up and walked to the other side of the room. She leaned up against the wall and hid her face in her hands.

"There are two kinds of women in our world, the Harley Quinn's, who join in the mayhem and make their own name in villainy, I would put your sister into this category I can see the trouble in her eyes, and then there's the Grace Dent's (animated series Two Face story works better here), the ones that sit and wait, hoping their man is going to give it all up and eventually they move on."

Holly didn't say anything, she just stared at him.

"I love you but I'm not going to expect you to be here if I get thrown in the slammer and manage to break out." The silence dragged on for what seemed like an eternity until Eddie couldn't take it anymore and said "You didn't think this would be a normal relationship did you?"

She smiled. "Nothing about us has been normal."

"No, I guess not."

"Such is the life of a super criminal's girlfriend I suppose."

"Let's not think about this right now. Let's just enjoy the night."

Holly walked back over to the couch, leaned down, and kissed him. "I'll wait. I've waited this long for you, I can keep waiting, and every time I get you back it'll be better than if I had you everyday." She kissed him again. "And I'm going to tell everyone every chance I get that I'm the Riddler's girl. Now, let's get dressed. You're taking me out to dinner and NOT at the Iceberg."

* * *

For Clark and Bruce, playing dumb wasn't hard. They did it everyday, but tonight, things were getting twisted. Clark had to pretend he didn't have a clue who Talia was and that Selina wasn't Catwoman while not blowing Bruce's cover. Meanwhile, Bruce was trying to evade Talia's touches while pretending he didn't care his friend was dating his ex and that he wasn't Superman. Talia and Selina, on the other hand, didn't seem to give a damn if anyone knew who they were. They took turns digging at each other and one upping one another. Bruce took you to the Hamptons? Well we went to Italy. That's nice, he had a famous Italian designer make me a one of a kind ball gown. And so on.

Selina started to feel bad. Here she was with a nice guy and she was playing, Bruce loved me more with Talia. She decided it was time to stop. "So, Bruce, did you enjoy your night with Jack?"

Bruce quirked an eyebrow, confused, and then he caught on. "Oh, Jack, yeah. We just had some dinner, a couple drinks. Nothing all that exciting."

"He's not too fond of me," Clark joked.

"Consider yourself lucky," Bruce laughed back.

"He seems like an interesting guy."

"He's something, I wouldn't call it interesting," Selina said.

"Jack…is that Joker?" Talia asked innocently.

Selina glared at her. "Yeah, he's a joker."

"No, THE Joker."

Bruce kicked Talia under the table. It didn't matter. The line was officially crossed.

"I don't know what you're getting at," Selina told her, tensing up and ready to strike.

"I just think if you're going to date someone you should be completely honest. Bruce and I never had secrets."

"Except your B-cups disguising themselves as D's," Selina snapped.

"Excuse me Flotation Device Barbie?" Talia snorted back.

"What do we do?" Clark asked.

"Back away slowly," Bruce told him edging his chair back.

"At least I don't need a Miracle Bra to have em!"

"You common thief bitch!"

"Glorified call girl!"

"Feline floozy!"

"Daddy's girl!"

"Bruce's biggest mistake!"

Selina laughed. "I may have been a mistake but at least I wasn't one of his castoffs." She knew she hit her where it hurt and it didn't surprise her when Talia lunged across the table.

They fell back. Selina managed to get her feet under Talia's stomach and she pushed as they flipped sending Talia flying behind her. Both girls quickly shook it off and prepared for round 2. Talia charged at Selina. She went to step out of her way but Talia managed to grab a chunk of her hair and drag Selina with her to the ground as she fell. Now it was a wrestling match. Talia managed to get on top, pinning Selina to the ground by the throat.

"Sure we shouldn't step in?" Clark asked.

"Not yet," Bruce replied.

Selina reached up behind Talia and grabbed her hair, a move she wasn't proud of. Talia immediately loosened her grip on Selina's throat and reached back to get her hair free. Selina pulled harder until Talia fell over and then sucker punched her right in the stomach. Talia kneed her in the eye.

Bruce and Clark grabbed a couple water pitchers off a neighboring table and dumped them on the catfight. The girls pulled apart and wiped the water from their faces.

"I think you've had enough," Bruce barked.

"This isn't over," Talia hissed.

"Anytime you want a rematch, come and get it," Selina sneered.

* * *

"Just got amazing video footage of the Selina v. Talia smack down! Check the site to watch the WWE action! Seriously, let's get these ladies some costumes, a ring and charge admission. Wayne Enterprises can put it on!"

* * *

10 O'clock and come and gone and Harley was still sitting at the Iceberg while Joker regaled Sage with almost go em stories. Harley drummed her fingers on the table and sighed. She just wanted to go home, get into bed, and…well…you know *wink*. No! Not that! Geeze, you people. I meant have sex.

She opened her phone and read the Tipster update, it gave her an idea. Harley sauntered over to the bar and tapped Joker on the shoulder. "Puddin', I'm ready to go."

"In a minute babe."

"No, now."

Joker turned to face her. He glared. Things had shifted in their relationship but the golden rule was still the same, Joker was in charge. "Sit. Down," he ordered.

She crossed her arms defiantly and stared him down.

"I'm counting to three…"

"Let me help. One, two, three."

Joker grabbed her wrist. Harley twisted free and gave him a slap to the face. The Iceberg was silent. Joker slapping Harley around wasn't anything new but this was different. She was starting trouble. He rolled his jaw and it clicked. She got him pretty hard. His hand wrapped around her hair and he brought her to her knees. "Beg me. Ask me to stop," he growled.

"No. I think you should teach me a lesson." Harley smirked and gave him a wink.

His eyes grew wide and his signature grin grew bigger. This wasn't a blatant display of disrespect. Oh no. This, was foreplay. He pulled her up off the floor and shoved her toward the door. "I'm going to deal with you at home," he told her as he followed close behind.

"What was that?" Sage asked.

"A new game for those two to play," Johnny replied.

* * *

The Iceberg was empty, the patrons all gone, and Scarlet was wiping tables. She hummed along with the song on the radio and swayed to the beat.

"Anything you want me to do?" Gwen asked.

"No, it's ok. I can finish up. Night," she told the other waitress.

"Ok, good night then. It's good to have you back!" she hollered from the door.

Scarlet did a little spin and began to sing along with Mr. Frank Sinatra. Oswald walked out of his office and was a little startled to see her there putting the last of the chairs up. "What are you doing here?" he questioned.

"I work here," she replied indifferently.

"Since when?"

"Since Holly asked me back this afternoon. She's overloaded and needs help."

"Is this a permanent thing?"

"Yup."

Oswald nodded.

"Unless you don't want me here."

"I want you here. I want you wherever you want to be."

"Except living at your place."

He quacked in frustration and she hid her smile. She always thought it was cute when he did that. "It's late, I don't want to argue. Let's just go home."

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow then."

"I meant for you to go with me."

"No, you said let's go home. My home is my apartment across town."

"Fine! Then come home with me."

"I think we need a break."

"Mr. Cobblepot, are you ready?" the tall muscular man in the chauffer's uniform asked from the door.

"One moment Clarence. Scarlet, please, don't do this. Just come with me," Oswald pleaded.

"No dice."

He nodded. "Fine, Clarence, grab Miss Scarlet and put her in the backseat."

Scarlet opened her mouth to protest but Clarence already had her and was carrying her out to the car.

* * *

Joker pushed Harley down onto the bed and threw and quickly ripped his clothes off. She bit her lip in antici-just say it-pation. She moved to unzip her dress but Joker stopped her. "Oh no, I'm unwrapping you my little heart's delight." Joker dug around in the side table drawer and pulled out a switchblade. He cut her dress right down the middle and tore it from her body.

*Scene Missing*

Harley's legs were tight around the Joker's body as pinned her wrists down onto the bed. It was rough. It hurt. It was beyond orgasmic. He leaned down to kisser, biting her lip and licking the blood away. She moaned in pure ecstasy.

"Oh Harley," he groaned against her ear.

"Oh! Oh, Pinhead!" she cried reaching her climax.

"What?" Joker roared.

* * *

"Get out of the car," Oswald sighed.

"Take me home," Scarlet hissed back.

"Just come inside with me, please," he begged. This whole thing was getting rather annoying. First he had to have her carried to the car, then she tried to jump out at a red light, and now she was refusing to get out of the vehicle. Oswald had had enough. "Clarence, pull Miss Scarlet out of the car and carry her upstairs."

"Yes sir," Clarence replied crawling into the backseat and dragging Scarlet out by the ankles.

She kicked and screamed hoping someone would hear her and come help. But it was no use. Clarence had her out the car and in the door before anyone turned to see the commotion. Slung over the burly chauffer's shoulder, Scarlet felt helpless and more than a little scared. Never in a million years would she think Oswald would hurt her but then again, his past wasn't exactly innocent. "In some countries, this is kidnapping," she cried.

"Don't be dramatic," he replied not turning to look at her.

Finally they reached his penthouse and Clarence sat her on the floor. "Anything else for tonight sir?"

"No Clarence, you're dismissed."

As soon as the door shut, Scarlet tried to get out. "Stop," Oswald told her but she wasn't listening. "Scarlet, look." She was desperately clawing at the chain lock. "Scarlet!" He grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her to turn around. On the opposite wall in the living room was a banner that read "WELCOME HOME!" and it was placed above the couch they had picked out which was next to the coffee table he had liked, and the chair that matched. The lamps she had pointed out in her Better Homes magazine were sitting atop new side tables except one table which held a bucket of ice and champagne.

Scarlet looked at him with tears in her eyes. "You're not going to kill me?"

"You thought I was going to kill you?"

"You kidnapped me!"

"I wanted you to see your new home."

"I thought…" she began.

Oswald raised his hand to silence her. "I have been planning this for a little while. I wanted it to be a romantic surprise and then when you brought it up at the furniture store I got nervous and I guess played my hand poorly."

"So, we're living together?" she asked hopefully.

"We'll get your things tomorrow if you'd like."

She jumped into his arms and kissed him. "Want to christen the new couch?"

"I'd much rather christen the new bed."


	17. Stereo Love

**Author's Note:** Stereo Love. This song…this song right here…I'm obsessed. I wrote this whole chapter around this song. I've never done that. Listen to it. The beat, the lyrics, the voice, it's amazing and it will totally fit this whole chapter right here. And because I need to have a random moment, when you're drunk, eBay is you enemy. Although I did get a dead sexy Joker plush doll and the Harley Quinn coffee mug fairly cheap. Still…enemy.

* * *

Holly watched Eddie through half closed eyes as she lay in bed, pretending to sleep. Neither one of them had slept all night but they wouldn't admit it to one another. Eddie silently slipped on his shoes and tiptoed to the door. He placed a note on the nightstand as he left. She waited until she heard the front door shut to open her eyes.

Last night had been strange. Their dinner was filled with words unsaid and fake smiles to hide real tears. She had meant what she said, she would wait for as long as she had to but what she didn't say was that she didn't want to. What she wanted was what they had now but how could she ask him to give up his life?

Holly grabbed the little note he left behind. "Went out for the day. Be home for dinner. I'll pick something up. Love, E." It was less than helpful to her. She crumpled it in her hand and let it fall onto the bed. She needed to get up. She needed to move on with her day. She had groceries to buy, laundry to do, and eventually she had to go to work. Her leg drifted to the side of the bed. The rest of her body stayed put. Coffee, what she needed right now was coffee. "All out," she said aloud. Starbucks, what she needed was Starbucks. And that thought alone pushed her out of bed and into the shower.

* * *

Joker rolled over and fell off the couch. "Damn it!" he roared picking himself up off the floor.

"That wouldn't happen if you would just COME TO BED!" Harley yelled down the hallway.

"NO!" he screamed back.

"You're being ridiculous!"

"Am not!" He heard her get up and thought for sure she would come to him and apologize. Instead she shut the bedroom door. "Bitch," he grumbled under his breath.

"I heard that!"

Joker jumped up and stormed into the bedroom. He grabbed some clothes out of the closet and marched back out. He dressed in the hallway leaving his pajamas in a pile at his feet. He wasn't going to be treated this way! Not in his house! He stuck his feet in a pair of shoes and stomped right out the door.

* * *

Holly was strolling through Robinson Park with her grande vanilla latte. She was supposed to buy her coffee and go home, but she decided on walking lieu of a cab and that walk turned into a long walk which led her across town to the park. She took a seat on one of the many park benches.

When had life gotten so hard? Almost two years ago she moved to Gotham to start an exciting new life. Her goal was to get a job that would allow her to continue school so she could get her degree in English. But what had happened was she couldn't find a job that would allow her to go to school and pay rent until she started working at the Iceberg. The money was so great she didn't want to lose any of it by taking time off for classes so she left Gotham University. Now here she was, a career waitress with a felon for a boyfriend who was getting ready to leave her for prison, excuse me, the insane asylum any day now.

* * *

Harley paced the foyer with both eyes on the door. Joker had left hours ago, no note, no call, nothing. It worried her. He never left. He always threw her out. Her stomach had dropped to her feet after an hour and now it was barely hanging on. She heard the elevator, she stopped pacing and just stared at the door, waiting for him to open it. Instead there was knocking. Harley bounded up to the door, stopped, took a deep breath, fluffed up her hair, and then opened the door. "Forget you key smartass?" she asked jokingly.

"Hello to you too," Holly replied.

Harley's stomach completely tumbled out now. "I thought you were someone else."

"I would hope so. That would be a weird way to greet people."

"Really? Even if it was me?"

"Good point." Holly looked Harley up and down. She was wearing a pink sparkly half shirt with a pair of dark skinny jeans and pink heels. Her hair was loosely curled and teased up like a porn star with makeup to match. She was a little dressed up for the house. "Did I catch you on your way out?" she asked gesturing to Harley's outfit.

"A half shirt in this weather? Are you kidding?" Harley laughed. "No, I'm just lounging around at home today. Did you want to come in?"

Holly stepped inside and closed the door behind her. "If you're just hanging out then why be so glitzy?"

"Oh, Mistah J and I had a fight," she replied as if it explained everything.

"Ok…"

"I always look my best when I want to makeup," she added.

"I see now."

"But I'm sure you're not here to dissect my love life, what can I do for you?"

Holly blushed a little. "Actually, I am."

"Am what?"

"Here to dissect your love life."

Harley walked into the kitchen and grabbed a couple diet cokes out of the refrigerator. She handed one to Holly as she took a seat on the loveseat. "I wondered which one of you would be the first to start asking questions. Joker's money was on Alice."

Holly smiled as she slowly dipped down onto the couch. "I don't know where to begin."

"You're starting to figure out that your boyfriend isn't always going to be happy being Eddie, he needs to be the Riddler too and you don't know what to do about it because you love him but a life in and out of the nuthouse doesn't sound all that appealing."

"You're good."

"I'm the best."

"Did you even think about it or did you just jump in?"

Harley laughed. "I thought about it. How can you not?"

* * *

Joker kicked an empty coke can as he walked down the street. "Stupid Harley," he muttered to himself giving the can one last good punt. It sailed through the air and into the face of a man sitting on a bus bench.

"What the hell?" the man screamed jumping up.

Joker cracked a smile and crossed the street. "Sorry friend. I never did make the football team," he laughed.

The man on the bus bench looked up and grimaced. "It would be you Joker."

"Eddie? Is it really your sad mug I hit?" Joker asked bending down to get into Eddie's face.

"Of course it was. You know how to kick a man when he's down better than anyone," Eddie sighed.

Joker plopped down on the bench next to him. "Why the frown clown?"

"I'm not the clown, you are."

"Let's not get into this debate. Just tell me what's up."

"It's complicated."

"Name one time something in our lives was simple," Joker replied.

"It's amazing, most of the time you make no sense and then bam! Something profound comes out of your mouth."

Joker gave Eddie a kick to the shin.

"Ow. Ok, see kicking a man when he's down again."

"Still haven't told me what's got you down."

"Holly."

"What now? You got her, you should be happy."

"I think I might lose her."

"You probably will. You might as well enjoy the ride and not worry about it."

"You are hands down the least helpful person on the face of the planet."

"We're all good at something."

Eddie buried his face in his hands and screamed.

"Want to go grab some food or something?"

He looked up at Joker and started laughing. "You're really crazy aren't you?"

"I prefer the term nucking futs."

"Fuck it. Let's go eat."

* * *

"So you showed up at Arkham, he wooed you, and you ran off to join the merry messed up circus?" Holly asked.

Harley laughed.

"Well, I'm sure there was more to it…"

"Honey, don't believe the hype. This wasn't a boy meets girl kind of story."

"Yeah, but, he flirted with you and gave you the rose and then…"

Harley held up her hand to stop Holly. "Let's start at the beginning."

* * *

Harleen Quinzel stood at the front desk of Arkham Asylum waiting for Dr. Leeland to come collect her. She was a little nervous. Arkham was rather intimidating but she wasn't going to let it scare her off.

"Harleen?" Dr. Leland asked with her hand extended.

"Yes. You must be Dr. Leland."

"Call me Joan."

"Well, then call me Harley. It's nice to meet you."

"Likewise. Shall we?" The two started down the hallway. "Would you like to settle in first or get the grand tour out of the way?"

"Might as well do the tour although, I'm sure I'll manage to get lost anyway," Harley laughed.

"It's a little tricky but you'll get the hang of it."

They started on the first floor and worked their way up. Harley tried to keep the levels and corridors straight but after the 5th hallway on the 2nd floor she gave up and decided she would just find a map.

"And this is our high security ward where we keep the 'super criminals'," Joan said with a slight roll of the eyes. "They're dangerous, deranged, and mostly untreatable. They'll say anything to win your sympathy or to get you to break the rules for them. Be careful."

Harley slowly walked the hallway eyeing the name plates while some of the inmates whistled at her and made lewd comments.

"Shut up," the guard yelled.

"Bunch of animals aren't they?" a voice asked behind the glass.

Harley stopped walking to see who was speaking to her. Her eyes went wide when she read "Joker" and saw him leaning against the wall close to the glass.

"This one just got back yesterday. He's like a college kid. Comes home for money, food, and clothes, and then you don't see him for another three months," Joan joked.

"I see," Harley whispered.

"Who's the blonde bombshell causing all the commotion?" Joker asked eyeing Harley.

"This is Dr. Quinzel. Dr. Quinzel, meet the Joker."

"Pleasure's all mine," he replied wiggling his eyebrows.

Harley giggled.

"Alright. Let's go get you set up in your office." They walked away and Harley fought the urge to look back. "Be careful with that one especially. He's a charmer. A few of the nurses have fallen prey to him. They think he's harmless and then he guts them when their back is turned."

"Oh!" Harley gasped.

"Exactly."

"He seems to like you," Harley commented.

"The patients respect me. I treat them like human beings unlike the guards and the orderlies who act like their taking care of trash. I don't like it but its how it is."

* * *

"How did you do it?" Eddie asked pushing the omelet around on his plate.

"I'm guessing you're not talking about eating," Joker replied.

"No, Harley. How did you do it?"

"I usually start with biting her neck…"

"NO! No, no, no! Not that."

"Then I'm confused."

Eddie sighed. "How did you make it work with you two?"

"Oh, I see the problem now. You want back in the game but you don't know what to do with Miss Holly."

He nodded. "I love her and I don't want her to throw away her life for me but…"

"But you have this little hope she'll toss out her waitress uniform and stand next to you wielding a pistol?"

Eddie laughed.

"Truth is, I didn't expect her to flip like she did."

* * *

Joker couldn't sleep. He rarely did at night. It was so quiet and peaceful, he freaked him out. Instead he spent many nights wandering the empty halls of the asylum. He wound through the corridors, up the stairs, thoroughly losing himself in the hallow halls. He managed to make his way to the doctors' offices. He loved to toy with Dr. Arkham's things. Hiding pens, moving his phone, lowering the chair. Little things that slowly drove the man insane. Joker was ready to go back to his cell when he noticed the new nameplate on the office next to Dr. Leland's. "Harleen Quinzel", the blonde beauty from yesterday.

He walked in and flipped on the light. It wasn't what he expected. Most of the doctors hung boring pictures on the walls, their diplomas, maybe a wedding photo but Harley had a Mark Ryden reprint hanging behind her desk showing three girls on a strange merry-go-round. It was twisted, he loved it. Her diplomas were nowhere to be found. He liked that too. On her desk, she had one picture, her and a friend wearing tiaras and fairy wings, kissing Prince Charming from Cinderella on the cheek. It looked like they were at Disney World. He smiled. She was almost like a kid.

Joker plopped down into her chair and began to riffle though her drawers. "Bubble tape, Blow Pops, day planner," he listed as he threw each item on her desk, "The Man Who Laughs, and a sketchbook." He flipped the sketchbook open. There were only a few drawings in it and a loose folded page. One of a little girl pulling away from her mother to chase after a butterfly, and the last one was the only one in color, a set of fire red lips peeled back into a smile. The folded page he realized was a letter from Beethoven to his Immortal Beloved. "Why doctor Quinzel, how interesting you are." Joker tossed everything but the sketchbook back into her drawers and went back to his cell with it tucked carefully under his arm.

* * *

"Was it love at first site like everyone says?" Holly asked.

"No. I was flattered that he complimented me but I was there to work. I wanted him as my patient, not my boyfriend. Although, I'll admit, I had Joker on the brain that whole night. I even did a little drawing of his smile in my sketchbook," Harley answered.

"And then he put the rose in your office, right?"

"Yup."

* * *

Harley had been working at Arkham for a week and tonight was the first time she had stayed there late. The place gave her the creeps at night but she had some notes to put into files of some of the tamer patients. She walked back into her office. It was a good five minutes before she noticed the vase with the single red rose sitting in it. Harley stopped writing and looked at the note attached, "Come down and see me," signed simple J.

It took her all of 2 seconds to guess who had left it on her desk. She walked down to Joker's cell. He was awake, laying on his bed, smiling, waiting, for her. "Good evening Dr. Quinzel. You're here kind of late," he said.

"Want to tell me how this got into my office?" she asked holding up the rose.

"I put it there."

"I think Dr. Arkham would like to know you've been wandering the halls at night."

"If you really planned on telling him, you would've," he scoffed. "Hold on, don't move. The light is perfect." He reached under his pillow and pulled out her sketchbook.

Harley's eyes went wide and she smacked her hand against the glass. "That's mine!" she cried.

"I borrowed it. Give me a minute, I'm almost done. So who's the girl in the picture with you?"

"A friend of mine from college."

"What's her name?" he asked not looking up at her but focusing entirely on the sketchbook.

"Jada."

"Where were you?"

"Disney World. It was our spring break." She tapped her foot and bounced a little. "Can I please have my book back?"

"Not yet. I like your name. Rework it a bit and you get harlequin."

"You're not the first person to point that out."

"I think it's rather interesting."

"Joker, it's late and I would really like to go home. Can I please have my book back now?"

"Almost done. How long have you been drawing?"  
"Since I was little. I took some art classes in high school and college."

"Do you paint?"

"No. I like oil pastels though."

"Finished." Joker slid off his cot and walked right out his cell door.

Harley jumped back a good mile. "How did you…"

"Relax, if I wanted to kill you I would've by now. Here." He handed her the sketchbook.

"Thank you."

"Aren't you going to take a look?"

She flipped the pages until she found the one he did. It was her, and fairly accurate too. Her hair was loose, blowing about her shoulders; she was looking down with a little smile on her lips. It was black and grey except her eyes which were blue. "It's very nice."

"I stole the blue colored pencils from the art room. Don't tell," he joked.

"I won't." She ran her fingers over the drawing. "It's really beautiful."

"I had a beautiful subject."

Harley blushed. "I should go. Please don't take my things again." She ran all the way back to her office and slammed the door behind her.

* * *

"Why did you do it?" Eddie asked.

"Why did I do what?"

"Leave her the rose and take her sketchbook."

"I wanted to see what she would do," Joker replied.

"Liar."

"Excuse me?"

"You knew she wouldn't bother with Arkham. She was new, trying to prove she could handle it without help. You had another motive."

Joker looked out the window. It was starting to snow. "She was beautiful and she didn't seem to be disgusted by me."

* * *

"Watch," Dr. Arkham commanded flipping on the television in his office.

"It's the cafeteria," Joan said plainly.

"Yes, but watch Joker."

Joan focused on Joker on the security tape. He was eyeing something out of frame. "What's he looking at?"

"You'll see in a second. I noticed this while I was trying to figure out what started the scuffle between Two Face and Poison Ivy."

"Sexual tension," Joan joked.

"Right here," Arkham told her excitedly pointing at the screen. Harley walked passed his table and Joker's eyes followed her.

"Harley," Joan sighed.

"He's developed a fascination with her."

"We should warn her."

"Or," Arkham said with a smile, "we could see how this develops."

"What do you mean?"

"No one has gotten anywhere with Joker. He lies, plays games, and runs off. Maybe he'd be willing to work with Harley."

"That's like feeding her to the sharks!" Joan cried.

"He's just a patient…"

"He's a psychopath! Joker would get her head so twisted up she wouldn't know which way to run! No! Absolutely not!"

"I think we should let dear Dr. Quinzel decide." Dr. Arkham hit the speaker button on his phone and said "Send Dr. Quinzel in please."

Harley nervously walked into Dr. Arkham's office and stood between the two. "Did I do something wrong?" she asked.

"No, not at all. Quite the contrary. I'm rather impressed with your work."

Joan rolled her eyes.

"I would like to make a change though. I'm going to take on your patients," Arkham told her.

"Oh," Harley mumbled.

"In exchange I'm moving you up to the big boys. You'll take over my weekly sessions with Joker."

"Harley, you don't have to do this. It's your choice," Joan added quickly.

"But it never hurts to try!" Arkham snapped.

She smiled. "Wow! This is huge! I'll do it!"

"Wonderful."

* * *

Harley tapped her pencil against her notepad while she waited for Joker. Nervous couldn't even begin to describe how she felt. Her stomach was threatening to take off, her heart was beating in her ears, and she could feel every nerve ending in her body. And yet, she was so excited.

The guards escorted Joker in and shoved him down onto the couch. "If you need anything, page us. We'll be down the hall in the waiting room," the bigger one informed her.

"Thank you." Harley waited for them to close the door before she turned her attention to Joker. "Hello Joker."

"Hello Dr. Quinzel," he replied.

"How are you today?"

"Fine."

The secondhand ticked away on the clock, counting the silence that lingered between them. "Sorry," Harley finally said, "I'm a little nervous."

"It's alright. So, to what do I owe this honor?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Why am I sitting on your couch instead of Jerky Jeremiah?"

Harley stifled a giggle. "Dr. Arkham felt a change might get you to open up more."

"Did he now?"

She nodded.

"Well, the view is certainly better." He winked.

"Thank you."

"I like your painting."

Harley turned around as if she had no idea there was a painting behind her. "Oh, yeah, my Ryden."

"I'm a fan as well."

"What other artists do you like?"

"Dali, Hussar, Van Gogh, Warhol, Picasso, etcetera."

"Some of my favorites," she replied.

"Really?"

"Uh huh."

"I'm intrigued."

"Why? Because I'm a doctor I can't enjoy art?" she joked.

"Not at all, it's just the choice of artists."

"I'm drawn to extreme personalities."

"I can tell."

"How about we focus more on you?"

Joker lay back on the couch and threw his cuffed hands behind his head. "What would you like to know?"

"What's your favorite Warhol?" Harley asked.

"Edie Sedgwick."

"Edie Sedgwick is a person, not a piece of art."

"Au contraire, she was his greatest work of art. Warhol took a high strung rich girl from California and remade her in his image. She bleached and cut off her hair, she dressed to match him from time to time, and then he tossed her aside for a new project. Edie was living art…until she wasn't living anymore. Ha!"

"I suppose she was." Harley jotted down something on her notepad completely missing the sparkle in Joker's eyes.

* * *

"So you just decided then and there that you were going to ruin her life by turning her into your own little work of art?" Eddie scoffed.

"It was her choice, it was always her choice. I just decided that I was going to give her the choice to be mine," Joker corrected.

"She didn't stand a chance with you. You lied to her. You made her think you were the victim in life, and that you loved her."

"I never lied…"

"The abusive father, run away mother, dead wife, bullshit."

"I don't remember you being around during my childhood," Joker replied tensely.

"I was the boogey man in your closet."

"I figured as much."

"Ok, your past aside, what happened next?"

* * *

The sessions had been going on for a little more than a month now. Everything they talked about was superficial so far but Dr. Arkham assured Harley she was doing the right thing. "It takes time for him to get used to people. As long as you get him to talk then you're doing fine," he told her.

Joker sat upside down on the couch picking the dirt out from under his fingernails while Harley watched him from her desk chair. "Say, doc, do you ever go out?" he asked.

"Out where?"

"Like out, the bar, dancing, dinner, movies, and so on."

"On a date?"

"Sure."

"I haven't in awhile but I do. Why do you ask?"

"Curious."

"Do you go out when you're not locked up?" Harley asked.

"Absolutely."

"Where do you like to go?"

"The Iceberg Lounge mostly."

"I've never been there."

Joker rolled fully off the couch and stood up. "You've never been to the Iceberg?" he said in mock shock.

Harley giggled. "No, I haven't."

"Then we'll have to go. My treat."

"Ok, tomorrow night then? Pick me up at 7?" she joked.

"It's a date."

* * *

"Holy crap, he was serious wasn't he?" Holly asked eagerly.

"Like a heart attack. It was an interesting night, that's for sure."

"Awe! Your first date!"


	18. All About Us

Author's note: what started off as a simple interlude has turned into a saga. I'm sorry. I just got carried away. Deal with it.

* * *

Harley plopped down onto her couch with her microwave dinner. It wasn't the tastiest thing in the world but it was easy to make. She flipped on her TV ready for a night of relaxation when someone pounded on her door. She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Probably Mrs. Feinstein trying to introduce me to her son again," she thought out loud. Harley opened the door and was surprised to not see Mrs. Feinstein but Joker with a large purple box. "Holy shit," she gasped.

"I was hoping you weren't dressed but I thought you would at least be made up. Then again, I'm a little early," Joker said stepping past Harley into her apartment.

"Wha…wha…what are you doing here?" she stammered.

"You said to pick you up at 7 for the Iceberg."

"I was kidding! You're my patient and a criminal! I can't go out to dinner with you!" she yelled. "How did you find out where I lived and how did you get in?"

"You're file at Arkham and a nice old lady names Mrs. Feinstein let me in, I was helping her with her groceries."

"Did you kill her?"

Joker sighed and rolled his eyes. "No, I didn't kill her."

"You need to go back to Arkham," she told him firmly.

"Come on doll," he whined.

"Do you know what would happen if someone saw you here? I'd lose my job! I'd go to jail!"

"You would not. Just say I kidnapped you, held you hostage, whatever. Look, go do your hair and get your face on and we'll go have fun."

"Absolutely not!"

It was taking a lot of focus for Joker to keep his cool. He wanted to shake her. "How about we make a deal?"

"Let's hear it."

"One date. I take you out to the Iceberg tonight and tomorrow I go right back to my cell."

"What if someone sees me?"

"The only people that would recognize you would be inmates and trust me, none of them will talk."

"Some kind of rule you all follow? What happens at the Iceberg stays at the Iceberg?"

"No, the rule is don't discuss Joker's business or he'll stuff Joker Venom in every orifice," he explained with a smile. "Now, will you get ready?"

"One night and then you're back?"

"One date and its back to the slammer. Scouts honor."

"You keep saying date."

"It is a date. Dinner, dancing, and I expect a good night kiss."

"This is so unethical," she laughed.

"Take a walk on the wild side Doc." He held the box out to her. "A little gift."

Harley took the box and opened it slowly. "Is it going to explode?"

"Har har. Just open it."

She pulled the lid off and inside was a red, strapless, evening gown. "It's pretty."

"And hopefully your size. I had to guess."

"We'll find out in a minute. Make yourself at home and I'll quickly get ready." Harley jumped up and bolted for her bedroom.

Joker took a seat on her couch and picked up the phone. He gathered she'd try calling the police.

Harley pulled out her curling iron and while it heated up she set about doing her makeup. This was insane. She was going on a date with a madman. Ok, that wasn't too different from normal. What guy was sane anymore? The last date she went on she had to crawl out the bathroom window because he kept talking about his paintings which all featured dead women. She was afraid she'd be his next "subject". And before him was the dog lover who made out with his dog, and before that the professional video game player who lived in his mom's basement. Maybe Joker would be the best date she'd been on in years.

After running her curling iron quickly through her hair, it was time for the moment of truth. Harley pulled the dress out of the box and unzipped the back. She carefully stepped into it, pulled up over her legs, hips and torso, and then zipped it back up again. It fit. It fit like a second skin and yet there was room to breathe. She smiled, he was good.

Joker was shocked when Harley walked out and without ever reaching for the phone. "You didn't call the police," he commented.

"You said one date and you were back in Arkham. I'm trusting your word."

"I'm impressed."

"I think you'll trust me better as your doctor if I show I trust you," she explained.

"You look beautiful."

"Thank you. The dress is lovely."

"I feel bad. It looked so amazing on the hanger which is why I grabbed but now that it's on you I don't even notice it."

"Liar."

"It's true! You outshine it."

"Flattery will get you everywhere."

Joker held out his hand. "Shall we?"

"I guess."

He escorted her to the elevator and hit the lobby button. Harley started to laugh. "What?" Joker asked.

"I'm thinking of Mrs. Feinstein. She just lets the Joker into our building without hesitation."

"I don't think he knew it was me."

"Oh?"

"She kept squinting. I'm guessing she wears glasses."

Harley laughed harder. "That woman."

Joker snaked his hand down and laced his fingers through hers. She wouldn't look up but Joker felt her hold her breath and he saw the pink flush of her cheeks. They stepped off the elevator and walked out the doors to the street.

"We can take my car," Harley said walking toward the parking lot.

"No, we'll take mine."

A beautiful black Bentley pulled up in front of them. A man stepped out of the driver's side door and walked around to open the back door for them. "Mr. Joker," he said politely.

Joker ushered Harley in and then walked around to the other side where the driver met him with the door open and ready.

"You really did it up right tonight," Harley told him slightly impressed.

"I wanted to show off for you."

They pulled away from the curb and off to the Iceberg. Harley didn't like the silence in the car so she decided to ask some questions that had been on her mind since they met. "What's with the suit?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why purple?"

"It goes good with my skin tone."

"Why a suit? Why not a clown costume?"

"Well, clown costumes are ridiculous and suits are very classy. I like the look of a suit. Always have," he explained.

"What's the deal with the spats?"

"They're vintage. Very old mafia. Al Capone and all that. Plus, they go with the suit."

She nodded. "Why did you give me a rose?"

"I wanted your attention."

"But why a rose?"

"Red roses are symbolic of passion, romance, lust, love…they're a lot more serious than a pink one or a white one."

"Trying to tell me you're in love with me?"

"I'm trying to tell you I don't want to be friends," he replied with a wiggle of the eyebrow.

"Is that why you got me a red dress?"

"No, I got a red dress because I thought red would look good on you plus, it's bold and lets be honest, you don't wear many bold things. I wanted to take Harley out on the town and leave Dr. Quinzel at Arkham."

"Why are you attracted to me?"

"Usual reasons."

"Because I'm easy on the eyes," she sighed looking out the window.

"I think you're gorgeous, no secret there but I also like this," he told her poking her in the head. "That thing between your ears that's filled with interesting opinions on good art and thoughts on movies, music, and the like. I also like this," he poked her chest, "that allows you to treat patients like people instead of animals. Like when you got Jervis a new copy of Alice in Wonderland when Croc ate his or you talked Arkham into letting Itchy Ivy have garden time."

"How did you know I did those things?"

"Because no one else there would."

She smiled.

"I noticed you because you are gorgeous, I like you because you're beautiful, which means you're pretty inside and out."

"Joan was right."

"What?"

"You're a charmer."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"It would only be fair."

"Are you attracted to me?"

For the first time Harley allowed herself to think about being attracted to Joker. He was sweet to her, funny, intelligent, and he wasn't bad to look at but she also knew he was violent, deranged, and had no concept of right or wrong. What did it matter if she was? She couldn't do anything about it. After tonight it was back to Arkham with him and she was Dr. Quinzel once again. She glanced over at him. He looked like a kid. That's when she realized all his cards were on the table. He had admitted he had a crush on her and he was waiting for his feelings, or whatever this was, to be reciprocated. "I don't think it matters. After tonight, the only place I will see you will be Arkham where I will be Dr. Quinzel and you will be my patient," she explained.

"I don't care, I want to know."

"If you weren't the Joker, I could see something between us," she admitted.

"But if I wasn't the Joker, you wouldn't be attracted to me," he replied.

"Why not?"

"I wouldn't be me. Suppose I was never dropped into a vat of chemicals, would I still be this romantic? Would I still like the same twisted art? Would I have my sense of humor?"

"I don't know."

"I don't think I was like this before my accident."

"Well, then, I'm attracted to you but it can go no further than tonight."

"Mr. Joker, we're here," the driver interjected.

"Let's make the most of it."

They got out of the car and walked into the Iceberg. Harley was speechless, it was amazing. They were shown to Joker's usual table and left with menus. "Order anything you want," Joker told her.

Her eyes nearly popped out of her head when she saw the prices. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. Oh look, Ozzie!" Joker cried flagging down Oswald Cobblepot.

"Nice to see you Joker, and who is our lovely guest?" Oswald asked.

"Oswald Cobblepot meet Harley, Harley this is Ozzie, the owner."

"Nice to meet you," Harley said sheepishly as Oswald kissed her hand.

"The pleasure is all mine," he assured her. "May I steal your date?"

Harley looked up at Joker. "Sure?"

Oswald pulled Joker out of his seat and into a corner. "I don't know what you're up to but I know who she is."

"Who is she? The queen of England?" he joked.

"She's the new doctor at Arkham and if you've kidnapped her…"

"I swear, she's here of her own free will."

"And if you even think of splattering her brains all over my establishment like you did that other girl or commit any other activity that would bring the Bat here I swear I'll gut you," Oswald warned.

"Chill out Penguin. I won't get your carpet dirty." Joker walked back over to the table and took his seat.

Harley smiled and shrugged her shoulders.

"He was making sure I was being a complete gentleman."

"I see."

The waitress came around to take their orders. Joker got himself a steak and ordered Harley lobster with shrimp since she was trying to avoid the expensive items on the menu. She had kicked him under the table when he said it but he just smiled and continued ordering.

"I can't believe you," she muttered.

"I am pretty amazing. Dance?" He stood up and held his hand out ready to lead her to the dance floor.

"I'm not much of a dancer."

"The music is slow, you'll be fine."

Harley reluctantly got up and followed him to the dance floor. He held her close, arms locked around her waist with hers around his neck. The music had a jazz feel to it but it was slow enough to sway to which was all Harley could manage. She was graceful on the balance beam but when it came to anything else she was a mess.

"Ready to get a little flashy?"

"Wha…" But before she could finish he was spinning her, pulling her back into him, and dipping her.

When he pulled her back up she grabbed onto him for dear life. Joker laughed, "What? I had you the whole time."

She clutched him tighter. "Yeah. Uh huh. Sure."

"I did, see." He dipped her again but this time he let her drop just a little and snatched her back up before she hit the floor. "Perfect control."

Harley squeaked and held him close again. "Ok! Ok, I believe you just please, don't dip me anymore."

"As you wish." They danced for awhile longer with Harley holding him for dear life. Terrified he'd get bored and toss her around again. Finally, Joker noticed their waitress bring their food out and escorted her back to the table.

"How's the lobster?" he asked after she'd take her fifth bite.

"Delicious," she admitted. "I'm happy you ordered it."

"I'm a genius like that."

"What about your steak?"

"Want a bite?" He held his fork out to her.

She leaned forward and allowed Joker to feed her. "That, is amazing."

"My favorite meal here."

"Want a bite of this?"

Joker slid his chair and plate next to her. "Sure."

She fed him a bit of her lobster.

"Heavenly."

Harley smiled. "You're so dramatic."

So they continued, picking food off of each other's plates and when it came to dessert, Joker ordered a chocolate lava cake to share. "You have chocolate on your lips," he told her.

"Oh."

"Allow me." Joker leaned over and ran his tongue gently over her lips. He could feel her smile and took it as a sign to proceed. He got closer and started to work his tongue into her mouth but she pushed him back.

"You said a goodnight kiss, so unless this is the end of the date, you'll have to wait," she said firmly.

"You're cruel."

"I'm absolutely wicked."

"Fine, then lets chat. So where are you from?"

"The Bronx."

"I don't see a diploma in your office, did you really go to school?"

"Yes, I went to Gotham University. I just don't like having it out. It feels like I'm bragging."

"Did you play any sports in school?"

"I was a gymnast. I got a scholarship for it."

Joker closed his eyes and gripped the table. "A gymnast?"

"Yup."

"That's a very evil thing to tell a man."

"I can put my legs behind my head and everything," she whispered.

Joker was panting now like the wolf in the Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Harley laughed and slapped him lightly on the shoulder.

"How am I ever supposed to look at you like my doctor ever again?"

She rolled her eyes. "I have a feeling you've never looked at me like your doctor."

He straightened up and draped an arm around her. "Ok, ask me anything and I'll tell you the truth."

"Did you really run away and join the circus?"

"No. I told that to Dr. Arkham to make him think he was getting somewhere."

"Where are your parents?"

"My mother ran off or was chased off by my father when I was a little more than 5. My father is probably still living in the same house in New Haven."

"Was he cruel to her?"

"Yes. He used to beat her and when she left he beat me."

Harley felt bad. She wished she'd never brought it up.

"But he still tried to act like a father so when I was 7 he took me to the circus. He said it was the best memory he had of his childhood and he wanted to share it with me. He really loved the clowns. It's what made me want to be a comedian. But as he predicted, I was a failure at that and when I couldn't support my pregnant wife I turned to crime. She was killed, I was thrown into a nasty mixture of chemicals, and here we are today."

"I'm sorry I brought it up."

"Not really first date material is it?"

"First? Try only date," she replied. "I told you, this can't go anywhere past tonight and," she looked at her watch, "it's getting late. I think you should take me home."

"You can't deny that we had fun."

"It was very fun."

Joker ushered Harley to the car. The ride back was filled with silence. The mood had turned heavy. The ball was over and instead of living happily ever after with the prince, Cinderella had to go back and live her mundane life.

When they got to her apartment, neither of them moved to get out of the car. Finally Joker slid out and opened her door. "My lady." He tried to smile, to end on a fun note but it was no use.

Harley allowed him to help her out of the car and walk her to the door. "I better see you tomorrow at WORK," she told him giving his chest a poke.

"I gave you my word, one date and back to the nut house."

"And I gave you mine so." She got up on her tip toes and pulled him into a kiss. Joker encircled her waist with his arms and forced her closer to him and surprisingly, he pulled away first.

"Goodnight," he said walking away but Harley wasn't ready to let him go. She tugged his hand and yanked him back to her.

"I was being cruel earlier, how about another kiss?"

"Why Dr. Quinzel!"

"Shut up. And call me Harley." She kissed him again.

* * *

"Did you realize then that you were in trouble?" Holly asked from her spot on the floor at Harley's feet. She looked like a little kid waiting for mom to finish a story.

"I still thought I was in perfect control. Sure I liked him but I also liked Anthony Hopkins but I wasn't humping him either," Harley answered.

"If you knew Anthony Hopkins…"

"I would rape him. There would be no way to reject me."

"Good to know. So did Joker keep his promise?"

"He did. He was back in his cell the next day. But the amazing thing was, he actually stayed there for awhile."

* * *

"Every time I see you I'm amazed," Harley commented looking up from her notes.

"I am devastatingly handsome, I know," Joker laughed.

"No, I meant that you're still here. Dr. Arkham told me you like to take vacations a lot."

"Well sometimes you need to just get away from it all."

She smiled. "So what would you like to talk about today?"

"Been on any hot dates lately?" Joker asked casually.

"How about we focus on you?"

"Harley…"

"Dr. Quinzel," she corrected.

Joker sat up and glared at her. "You're not playing fair."

"Look, it's been weeks since…" she trailed looking for the right word.

"Our date?"

Harley cleared her throat and continued, "and I think we should fall back into a professional relationship."

"I don't want that."

"I'm sorry you feel that way but its how it has to be."

"Stop being my doctor then."

"It's not that simple. Working in Arkham means that I can't date you period."

"Quit Arkham."

She scoffed. "Ok, sure. Let me just throw away all the hard work and money I've spent and be your girlfriend! Why not? Hell! How about I get my own cell at Arkham and then we can be together always! You're fucking crazy."

"We're all a little mad," he joked.

"Here's an idea, why don't you try harder to get out the right way? Actually take these sessions seriously and get that nice piece of paper that says your sane!" She had tears in her eyes. Never before had Harley been so angry.

"Where's the fun in that?"

Harley hit the page button on her phone to get the guards. "I'm going to help you out. This is our last session. You're going back to Dr. Arkham."

The guards walked in the door. Jerry, the taller one asked, "You ok?"

"Yeah. We're just done for the day," Harley replied. "Take him away."

* * *

Harley marched herself right up to Dr. Arkham's office but unfortunately he had already left for the day. She sighed and started the walk back down the hallway to her own office. As she walked passed the break room, Jerry caught her attention.

"Hey, Dr. Quinzel," he half mumbled.

"Hi Jerry."

"Look, I'm not good with this but, uh, you wanna grab dinner tonight?"

"Like a date?" she asked.

Jerry blushed. "Forget it." He started to walk away.

"Jerry, wait. I'd love to."

"I'll pick you up at 6 then?"

"Perfect."

Later that day, Jerry was doing his final walkthrough before he left with his partner Brian. They stopped in front of Joker's cell. "Guess what I'm doing tonight," Jerry said.

"What?"

"DR. Quinzel."

"Bullshit!"

"Taking her sweet ass to dinner and then back to my place for a show," Jerry replied.

"I wish I wasn't married some days. Let me know how the ride is eh?" Brian laughed.

Joker laid on his bed with his eyes closed but he wasn't sleeping, he heard every word.

* * *

Dinner had been bearable but just barely. Harley was ready to join the convent, dating just wasn't her thing. "Wanna go back to my place?" Jerry asked as they stepped into the cab.

"It's late, I should get home," she lied. She didn't want to all out tell him he was a loser and she'd rather light herself on fire than spend another minute with him.

"Ok."

The cab stopped and Jerry got out of the car. Harley was confused when he opened her door since they weren't at her place. "This isn't my apartment," she said plainly.

"Come on, come up for a drink," he pleaded.

"I really need to get home."

Jerry gave the cab driver and nod and he cut the engine. "Thanks Ray."

Harley's heart began to race. Obviously, she wasn't going home just yet. Jerry pulled her out of the cab and roughly pushed her toward the door. This was not going to end well. She tried to wiggle free of his grasp but Jerry just tightened his hold and shoved her harder. He pinned her up against the stone wall, painfully pressing her face up against it.

"Go ahead," he laughed, "scream, fight me, whatever you feel like you gotta do. Nobody here is going to help you."

She whimpered and thrashed around, trying to ignore the pain. Finally she closed her eyes and waited for it to end.

"You're so pretty," Jerry growled in her ear.

She clenched her eyes tighter. The next sound she heard was a click and a voice that said, "Breathtakingly beautiful." Harley opened her eyes and smiled.

"What the hell?" Jerry cried turning to face the man behind him.

"Goodnight Jerry." Joker pulled the trigger on his gun and Jerry dropped to the ground with a little hole right between his eyes.

Harley turned around slowly. She was half relieved and half afraid.

"Did you have fun?" Joker asked with a smile.

"Oh god no." Harley leapt over Jerry's body and into Joker's arms. "Please take me home."

"Sure thing." Joker held her as they walked to the corner and got into his waiting car. "Benny, could you have the boys take care of ol Jerr Bear there?"

"Yes Mr. Joker."

Harley curled up in Joker's arms and rested her head on his shoulder. She was shaking. The last 5 minutes seemed like some surreal dream and she couldn't even begin to think about what would happen tomorrow. The car pulled up to her apartment. Joker opened his door and slid out, pulling her with him.

"Keep the car running Benny, I'm going to take Dr. Quinzel upstairs. Got your keys?" he asked her. She didn't respond. She was in some kind of shock still so Joker fished through her purse for them. He poked his head through the door to check the lobby, no one was there. He held the door open for Harley and walked her to the elevators. Joker unlocked her door and sat her gently onto the couch. "Let's get our shoes off eh?" he slid her shoes off carefully and sat them on the floor next to him.

Harley lifted her foot up slowly. She brought her toes under Joker's chin and tilted his face up to meet hers. "Thank you."

"I heard him talking earlier. I have to admit, I was slightly jealous. I think I would've killed him anyway," he replied with a sinister grin.

She pulled him closer to her with her toes until he was a breath away from her face. "This is wrong."

"I know."

"Call your driver, you're not leaving," she informed him.

Joker backed up to look at her. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Who asked you to think?"

"I hate myself right now, but, you're vulnerable and upset. It would be like taking advantage of you."

"I told you, I like you."

"Yes, but, and go with me on this, I'm crazy and you're not."

"I'm not asking you to marry me I'm asking you to spend the night with me."

"That can be just as dangerous."

Harley looked him dead in the eye and said "You leave now you lose me forever. This isn't some freak out this is me realizing what I want."

He chuckled and pulled out his phone. "Benny, you can go. I'm staying."

Harley grabbed him by the lapels and pulled him down onto her. She kissed him, hard. Her tongue forced itself into his mouth, she bit his bottom lip, and locked her fingers into his hair.

Joker pulled away, a delirious smile on his face. "Someone likes it a little rough." He reached out and grasped her neck. She didn't flinch. He squeezed a little and she still sat there, a serene look on her face, one hand still entwined in his hair while the other was gripping his lapel. He leaned over her, nose touching hers, and kissed her. When he pulled back he let go of her neck and dragged her up off the couch, "Shall we?"

* * *

Clothes were strewn all over the room like a tornado had hit. Next to the bed was a box with condoms spilling out, a few were on the bed. Harley had tried to pull them out of the nightstand as Joker was ripping her shirt off and dropped the box. She grabbed a handful only to drop them on the bed and after failing to get one open Joker said "Fuck it".

Harley lay curled up in Joker's arm while he puffed away on a cigarette. "You're so cliché," she had teased when he lit it up.

"I'm not cliché, I'm classic," he replied.

She felt herself getting tired but she refused to let herself go to sleep. She wasn't ready for the night to be over. She sighed and snuggled closer to him.

Joker stroked her shoulder. "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing. You?"

"Everything."

"That must be hard, to think about everything."

"No, not really."

Harley crawled on top of him and rested her head on his chest, his heart was still beating like a hummingbird. "You going to have a heart attack?"

"Maybe. I haven't had a workout like that in awhile."

"You should quit smoking."

"Ok mom."

She kissed him over his heart. "What happens now?"

"If you give me an hour I could probably go for round two. You've got to be patient though. It's seriously been awhile."

"I mean tomorrow, and the next day, and the next when I'm Dr. Quinzel again."

"I don't know."

"I'll get to see you everyday but I won't get to be with you like this."

"Sure we will, at least once a week. I checked Arkham's files, you didn't drop me."

"He was gone before I could," she sighed. "It must've been fate."

"Destiny, he's an interesting character." Joker felt warm tears hitting his chest. He looked down and saw them spilling from her eyes. "You ok?"

"I don't know what I was thinking."

"Shit, you're regretting this."

"No! Never," she assured him. "I just…I don't know. I want this so much but…"

"I'm a criminal and it's your job to cure me making this relationship a little unorthodox?" Joker finished.

"Yeah. I'm supposed to be helping you and that means keeping you in Arkham but all I'm going to want is for you to get out and be with me like this."

Joker rolled Harley off of him, causing her to squeak in protest. He dug around for his suit coat and then in the pocket until he fished out a pocket knife.

"What are you doing?" Harley asked eyeing the knife.

He smiled, flipped it open, and flung the covers back on the bed. Joker grasped Harley's right leg. Their eyes met. She didn't blink, look away, or flinch. She knew what was coming but didn't care. Joker dug the knife into her thigh, as high up as he could. She clutched the sheets and gasped. He pulled the knife away and licked the blood off the blade and proceeded to lick the blood off her leg. "You're mine and now you can't forget it."

* * *

"Kinky," Eddie remarked sipping his coffee.

"Very," Joker replied plainly.

"And so wrong. So very wrong. You knew she wasn't in her right mind."

"If I've learned anything from Harley it's this, she has no right mind."

Eddie nodded. "True story. So, what happens next?"

* * *

"Still no Jerry huh?" Harley asked as the guards dragged Joker into her office.

"Nope. The cops think he took off. A whole bunch of stuff was missing from his apartment. It's crazy," he told her.

Harley glanced at Joker who was smiling like the proverbial cat that got the canary. "Thanks boys. I'll see you in a bit."

They walked out. Harley remained pressed to the door until she heard their footsteps fade out down the hallway. She bounded over to the couch and into Joker's lap. He already had the handcuffs lying on the floor. His arms quickly wrapped around her and they kissed. His hands quickly worked at the buttons on the front of her shirt as she slipped off her white coat and made a move for his pants.

"I don't know if I can wait a week for this," Joker told her pushing her down onto the couch.

"I was just thinking the same thing."  
"You might have to start working overtime at night."

"Works for me. Oh!" she sighed as he slipped into her.

"How well do you think they can hear out there?" Joker asked eyeing the door.

"Not very, but just in case, we should keep it down."

"I was thinking of turning it up," he joked.

She pulled him roughly down to her and kissed him.

After they finished, they had few precious seconds to scramble back together. Joker ran his hand through his hair and sat back down on the couch waiting to be handcuffed again. Harley yanked down her skirt and searched the floor for her panties. "Have you seen my underwear?" she asked reaching under the couch.

"Forget the underwear, grab the cuffs," he ordered.

She reached back, picked up the handcuffs and slapped them back on him. "Did you take my underwear?"

"What would I do with it?"

"Keep them as a trophy, show them off to the boys, wrap Jervis's face with them, take your pick."

"I like that last one. Can I borrow a pair?"

Harley rolled her eyes and went to reply when she heard the guards at the door. She ran back to her desk and called for them to come in. Just as they were coming through the door, Harley saw her panties, on the floor, in front of her desk, right behind where she had been kneeling. Her eyes went wide.

Joker saw them as well. He dove off the couch and onto the floor, scooping them up as he went.

"What the hell is he doing?" the guard asked.

"He's been all kinds of hyper today," Harley lied.

The other guard snatched him up and dragged him to the door.

"Come see me later," Joker mouthed silently to her.

* * *

Harley tip toed down the hallway to Joker's cell as silently as she could. When she finally made it, he was lying on his bed twirling her panties around on his finger. "You're sick," she muttered.

"A little," he admitted. "That was close earlier."

"Closer than I'd like. We need to be more careful."

"Or, just hear me out now, you need to stop wearing panties."

"Ok, yeah. I'll do that. Can I get those ones back?"

Joker laughed. "Fine. Use the food tray."

Harley went to open the tray but it was locked. "Wonderful."

"Guess you need to get the keys."

"Great. Give me a minute." Harley ran off down the hall. She needed to find a guard and finding one at night was like finding a needle in a haystack. Not impossible, just a pain in the ass. This was probably why so many inmates escaped. He ducked down to the minimum security ward and there was Lester, probably the sweetest guy at Arkham. Harley put on her award winning smile and sauntered up to him. "Evening Lester."

"Hello Dr. Quinzel. You're here late," he stammered.

"Oh, yeah, a lot of notes to catch up on. Thought I'd get out of my office for a bit and take a walk." She yawned and stretched her arms up over her head and then behind her back, emphasizing her assets. "Getting tired."

"I see that…"

She took a couple steps closer and lightly touched his key ring hanging off his belt and stroked his arm with the other hand to distract him. "You've been working out huh?"

"Yeah! A…a little." There was a crash that echoed from the end of the hallway. "I should check that out."

"Probably. I'll see you later." She slipped the keys off his belt as she turned to leave and after she rounded the corner and out of sight, she bolted back up to Joker's cell.

"Took you long enough," he hissed.

"Sorry, I can't just stab a guard and steal his keys, I need to use a little finesse."

"More like you need to use a little sex. You're top button is undone," he replied pointing to her shirt.

"I flirted. That's all." Harley went to unlock his food tray but unlocked his door instead. She stepped into his cell. "Can I get my panties now?"

Joker growled at her playfully like a dog.

She skipped over to him and tried to pull them out of his hand but he quickly got hold of her and turned her around so her back was up against him. Harley laughed as she tried to wiggle free and get her underwear all at once.

"You should spend the night," he teased.

"I don't think so." She let her legs drop from under her and pulled her underwear free of his hand as she hit the floor.

"You cheated," he whined.

"Did not," she replied sticking her tongue out. "I'm going to go drop these keys off at the guards' desk, grab my stuff out of my office, and go home."

"Thanks for the play by play."

She winked at him and walked out his cell door.

Joker waited to hear the door lock but it didn't and that's when he realized, she was letting him out.

* * *

"I let him out to stretch his legs every now and then," Harley said.

"And of course to see you," Holly teased.

"Ok, so that was the main priority. He usually hung around my apartment but sometimes he would wander off and I would try to not watch the news. I didn't want to know what he was doing when he wasn't with me."

"Now you're a part of it. Throughout this whole story you've pretty much been a victim of his charms."

Harley smiled sadly. "Well, one night, everything changed."

* * *

"Where are you going?" Harley asked nervously as Joker slipped his shoes on.

"A quick business meeting. I'll be back by morning. Promise."

Harley chewed her nail and pouted.

"Don't give me that look baby, daddy's got to work."

"Just, be careful Puddin'."

"Puddin'? I like it." He kissed her on the top of her head. "Morning. I promise. We'll have pancakes."

"Ok," she sighed. "But, come back in one piece with no blood and no bruises."

"I'll do my best."

* * *

"You didn't come back, did you?" Eddie asked.

"Things went awry as they usually do when you deal with the mob," Joker explained.

"I vaguely remember this. Two Face told me something about it. Wasn't it something to do with the Thorne family?"

"Yeah. Money, the usual problem with the mob."

"So you didn't have it?"

"Nope. And my plan to shoot, scoot, and boogey didn't really pan out."

* * *

"You owe me money Joker," Thorne grunted from across the table.

"That's still under debate," Joker replied popping a peanut into his mouth. "I don't owe you shit."

"You destroyed my business and not just the building."

"Accidents happen."

"Bullshit. I can smell the fish a mile away. How much did Cobblepot pay you to toss my place huh?"

"If you think Penguin is behind this then maybe you should take it up with him. Goodnight gentlemen." Joker stood up and every gun was locked, loaded, and pointed at him.

"Sit your pasty ass down," Thorne warned.

Joker smiled and sat back down.

"I don't care who cut your leash, you're paying for it. I want my money."

"Sorry, I'm flat broke."

Thorne lit up a cigar and leaned back in his chair. "That's a damn shame."

"How about I get you a Starbucks gift card and we call it even?"

"How about I splatter your brain and I feel a lot better about this situation."

"I don't like that idea." Joker slid his own gun out of his shoulder holster and emptied a round under the table in what he thought was Thorne but really was the man next to him. "Shit."

Instantly, the little backroom was filled with a brilliant display of gunfire. Joker crawled on the floor toward the door letting the few men he brought with him take the barrage of bullets meant for him. He made it outside and started for the car when a bullet went whizzing past his ear.

"Get your ass back here clown!" Thorne yelled from behind.

"No really, it's getting late and the missus is waiting," he joked going for the car again. Another round of gunfire came from behind him and he dropped and rolled under the car. This one scraped his arm. He touched the small wound and grimaced. This was not going as well as he'd hoped. Oswald would owe him big. He slowly crawled out from his hiding spot and when he didn't hear the familiar blast of a gun he ducked and weaved down the road.

"Where the hell are you Joker? Think you can run? You can't run from me! I'm going to get even with you!"

"Go for it," he muttered from behind his dumpster. He leaned his head up against the cold brick wall behind him. His arm was killing him and the blood was going to ruin his suit.

"You ok Mr. Thorne?" one of the few surviving lackeys asked running out to meet his boss on the curb.

"Yeah. That little shit got away though."

"What would you like us to do?"

"Follow him. Word is he's been staying with some girl when he's on the outside."

The lackey laughed. "What? Like a girlfriend?"

"I don't know. Joe said he saw them getting cozy at the Iceberg awhile back."

"That psycho could get a chick to love him? She must be really nuts."

Thorne laughed. "Probably. Do her a favor, put one in her head and get her out of her misery."

Joker listened and his smiled fell slightly. He made his way down the alley to where his backup car was waiting.

"You ok boss?" Benny asked.

"Only a flesh wound!" he laughed. "Let's get out of here."

"Harley's?"

Joker looked up in the rearview mirror. He could see Thorne's boys following them 3 cars back already. "No. The hideout. And lose the tail."

"You sure?"

"We're being followed. I'm not bringing that to her place," he explained.

Benny eyed him in the mirror.

"Shut up."

"I didn't say anything boss."

"I know what you're thinking."

"I think you like having her around and you don't want her to die and it's very noble."

"Not at all. I'm just not done playing with her yet," he replied nonchalantly.

"Ok boss."


	19. We Shout

Author's Note: I love Pandora. That is all.

* * *

Harley waited up all night and when Joker didn't come back she began to panic. She flipped on the TV, there was nothing on the news. Tears were stinging her eyes. She thought about calling the police but she couldn't begin to explain it without sounding insane.

The phone started to ring and she lunged for it. "Hello!" she cried frantically into the receiver.

"Hey baby," came Joker's voice from the other end. He sounded slightly pained.

"Where are you?" she asked.

"I got into some trouble. I can't come by. I'll try to OW! Damn it!"

"What happened?"

"Nothing. Just a scratch that's being made worse by a couple of idiots! Who taught you how to sew?"

"I can help you. Just tell me where you are."

Joker hesitated. Part of him wanted to tell her where he was. What did it matter if she got caught in the crossfire? Cannon fodder, all people were just cannon fodder. "No," he said finally.

"Why?"

"Look kiddo, it's been fun but I'm not the relationship type. You get it don't you?"

She started to cry.

"We had fun though right?" Click. She'd hung up. Joker sat his own phone down and looked at Benny. "What?"

"Nothing. You must like her a lot."

"No I don't. I just want the crazy dame off my back."

"Ok boss."

"Benny, if you don't drop it I'm going to drop you. I'm taking a shower." He got up from his chair and walked to the bathroom.

"Everything ok?" one of the other goons asked.

"Huh? Oh yeah Joe. It's ok," Benny replied heading for the door.

"I'm surprised the boss is here. He hasn't been hanging with us much," Joe commented.

"Well, we're going to be seeing him more often. Looks like Harley is out of the picture. I'm going to bed."

Joe watched Benny walk out of the room and then he pulled out his cell phone. "Boss? It's Joe. I got a name, Harley. Benny says Joker's done with her though."

"I don't care. Find her anyway," Thorne barked.

* * *

Harley called off work that day and the next day and the day after that. She told Arkham she had the flu and he didn't question her. She spent most days in bed sleeping as much as possible. "You don't love him," she'd told herself daily through their relationship. "He's just a nice guy who makes you laugh." She didn't buy it then and she certainly didn't feel it now.

There was a pounding at her door. She didn't want to answer it. Who the hell could it be anyway? When she realized they weren't going away she dragged her ass out of bed and answered it. "Yeah?"

"Dr. Quinzel?" the man asked.

"Uh huh."

"I'm a representative for Mr. Thorne. He would like a word with you."

"I don't know a Mr. Thorne," she replied shutting the door.

The man shoved his foot between the door and the frame preventing it from closing. "He's not asking." He shoved the door open and grabbed her before she could run. He slapped a hand over her mouth to prevent her from screaming and dragged her back out in the hallway. "Let's go," he said to the other two men with him. "Grab her legs will you?"

* * *

"The phone's ringing," Benny said.

"I can hear it," Joker rret shame. I didn't r rings."

"I know."

"Should I answer it?"

Joker shook his head and crossed the room to the phone. He picked it up and said "County morgue, you stab em we slab em!"

"Oh god! Joker!" came Harley's screaming sobs.

"Shit," he muttered.

"She's pretty Jack. How the hell did you get her?" Thorne laughed through the phone.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"The good doctor here! You're main squeeze."

"Dr. Quinzel is my doctor, nothing more."

"Oh, ok, then if you don't care for her…"

"I don't."

"Alright, let me take care of her for you then." There was gunfire and he could hear her scream.

His gut dropped. There was silence. No screaming, no more gunshots. Just silence. "Is she dead?" Joker asked.

"Yes."

Oh look, his gut fell completely out of him. "She had nothing to do with anything. Harley was just…"

"Joker!" she screamed in the background.

"You lying piece of…"

"Ok, so I bluffed. You want her? Come get her and bring my damn money."

"Where?"

"Where we were the other day. I finally got all the blood off my walls."

Joker slammed the phone down. He looked at Benny. "They have Harley," he said plainly.

"I swear boss, I didn't tell anyone where she was," Benny replied frantically.

"I know." Joker whipped out his pistol and shot Joe. "That little shit did."

* * *

"No freaking way," Eddie cried.

"Way."

"I thought this was just urban legend. Something groupies told each other to make you look human."

"My secret shame. I didn't want her to die and I went to save her."

"Well, Prince Valiant!"

"Can it. And it goes no further than here got it?"

"Scouts honor."

* * *

Joker walked into the little dive bar where Thorne liked to deal with the "lesser criminals" of Gotham city. That's how he referred to the Rogue's gallery, lesser criminals. He marched past Thorne's men who were waiting in the main bar room and into the backroom, leaving his own men behind.

Thorne sat at the table playing cards with a couple of his boys. "Evening Joker."

"Here's the deal. I get Harley first, she gets safely out of here and then we talk business."

"No, here's the deal. I bring her in here, she's sits her cute little ass down next to you, and remains in the room until we're done with business. After that you can both walk out of here. But if you pull the shit you did last time I put a bullet in your ass and I let my boys go to work on her while your bleeding ass watches."

"I like my plan better."

Thorne pulled out a walkie talkie and said "He isn't cooperating. Go ahead and have your fun boys." Thorne sat the walkie talkie down on the table and you could hear her scream "Get the hell away from me" in the background.

"Fine. Your way," Joker replied begrudgingly. "I really hate you."

"Bring her in," Thorne told them. Seconds later two men burst through the door thrusting Harley in before them. They shoved her down into a chair next to Joker and stood behind Thorne.

Harley stared at the table. She had tear stains on her face and her eyes were all swollen.

"How you doing doll?" Joker asked with a laugh.

She looked up at him. "I'm not doing that great. Actually I'm not even ok. I'm fucking not ok at all!"

"Women," he joked.

Harley couldn't believe this. She had been kidnapped, threatened, scared out of her wits, and now he was making fun of her. She was ready to shoot him herself when she felt something on her leg. She looked down, it was his hand stroking her thigh. He gave her a little squeeze and left it there. A show. He was putting on a show.

"Don't worry, we'll finish up here real quick and I'll get you back home," Joker told her.

"My money clown."

"You're like a broken record." Joker tossed a bag up onto the table. "All for you."

Thorne had one of his men open the bag and when he was sure it wouldn't explode he looked in it himself.

"See you later," Joker said getting up and pulling Harley up with him.

"Hold on."

They froze, She was sure she was going to die.

Thorne laid the first row of money out and then looked at the second. "We're good."

Joker breathed a sigh of relief and walked out the door dragging Harley with him. They were at the front door when Thorne roared "Stop him!"

A goon jumped in front of him and snatched Harley away from him. Joker shot him and shoved Harley behind the bar. "Sorry, baby. Give me a second."

She cowered in her hiding spot shielding her ears from the gunfire until she heard Joker curse. She peeked over the bar and saw him clutch his leg, gun laying on the floor and one of Thorne's men taking aim. Harley quickly grabbed the gun off the dead man next to her and without hesitation, shot the goon in the back of the head.

As quickly as he could, Joker ran to her and pulled her toward the door. "We need to go."

She was shaking, gun still in her hand. He forced her into the car and ordered Benny to get out of there.

"You ok boss?" Benny asked.

"Yeah. Apparently Thorne didn't like my Joker dollars under the real money. Damn my leg hurts."

"She ok?"

Joker looked at Harley. She was still shaking. He carefully eased the gun out of her hand. "You alright?"

"I killed someone," she mumbled.

"He was an ass."

"I've never hurt anyone in my life."

"It happens."

"No! No it doesn't!" she yelled.

"Do you think they would've thought twice about killing you?"

"I'm just not like that. I'm not cold blooded."

"Ouch. That hurt my feelings."

"I didn't mean…I don't know what I meant."

"Where are we going?" Benny asked.

"Hotel. A nice one."

"I need to go home," Harley cried.

"So they can go back and grab you again? No, we'll stay at a hotel."

"We? Screw you! You wanted out you're out. Take me to GCPD if you won't take me home."

"The hotel Benny," Joker ordered.

Benny obeyed and 15 minutes of silence later they were at the Cherryrose Hotel. One of the best in the city. Benny checked them in, handed Joker his room key, and then left. Joker had to force Harley into the elevator and to get even she hit every button on the panel and tried to run every time the doors opened.

"I'm going to kill you," Joker warned her. He was still gripping his leg. "Twice in less than three days. I hate the mob."

"You should see a doctor," she hissed.

"Don't need one. I have my little field kit here," he replied pulling a little box out of his inner coat pocket. "And I have you."

"I'm not helping you."

"Can you stop being a bitch for one minute?"

The doors opened and they both stepped off. Joker opened the hotel room door and pushed her down onto the bed.

"I want to go home."

"I heard you the first hundred times. Shut up," He took off his coat and shirt pulling his field kit out as he did so. He then wiggled out of his pants to expect the damage to his thigh. "Good thing this guy shot from the side. Last thing I need is a through and through."

Harley sat on the edge of the bed, silent.

"Can you please help me? Look, I said please and everything."

She begrudgingly got up and moved to his side of the bed. She laced up a needle and cleaned the wound. "It's been awhile since med school. I'm sure this is going to hurt."

"Can it be my punishment?"

"We'll see." She stuck the needle in and he flinched. "Don't squirm."

"Damn it!" he cursed gripping a pillow.

"I warned you." She continued on. "I thought you weren't telling anyone about us."

"I didn't. One of Thorne's men was spying on me."

"Did he miss the part where you told me it was fun but see ya later?"

"I guess."

She pulled the thread harder.

"God da…Ugh!" he groaned. "I said that so you would go away and they would leave you alone."

"Forgive me if I don't jump into your arms and thank you."

"It's true. I heard Thorne talking about how Joe had seen us together and I couldn't let them find you so I blew you off."

Harley finished up the suture and cleaned the wound again. "Why didn't you just tell me the truth?"

"I figure you would come for me if I told you the truth."

"I probably would've," she admitted.

"That's my girl," he said cupping her cheek.

Harley stared at him. Her whole world was beginning to shatter before her eyes. "I can't be your girl."

"What?"

"I almost died, I killed someone, and what if someone had intervened when they were taking me? They probably would've died and I wouldn't be able to live with that."

"This was one incident…"

"No!" she interrupted. "If Thorne found me then someone else will too. I will constantly be in danger with you."

Joker threw the lamp on the side table against the wall and it shattered.

"Yeah, that makes me feel better."

"I don't want this to be over."

"I don't either but I can't do this. And it'll be better for you in the long run, there'll be no one to hold over you."

He closed his eyes and rested his head up against the wall. Harley curled up next to him. "You're going to haunt me," he told her.

"No I won't."

"I'll see you and I'll want to touch you or talk to you and I won't be able to. It won't be fair."

"That's why I'm going to leave Arkham."

"That's worse."

"I'm going to leave Gotham altogether."

"That's even worse."

"I can't stay here and not be with you. It's too hard."

"Then be with me," he grunted getting frustrated. "Women," he thought to himself, "always trying to make everything so damned difficult."

Harley didn't say anything.

"This is our last night then huh?"

"Yep."

Joker snuggled down into the bed and Harley followed suit. He pulled the covers over them and they laid there clinging to one another until they fell asleep. About an hour later, Harley opened her eyes. She was lying face to face with Joker. He was awake too. She may have been dreaming or imagining it but, it looked like he had been crying. She closed her eyes and tried to go back to sleep.

* * *

In the morning, Harley woke up to an empty room. There was a suitcase and a note on the table across the room. She opened the suitcase first; it was filled with some of her clothes, her purse, shoes, and makeup. Tentatively, she opened the note afraid of what it might say.

"I had Benny go get some of your things. I would suggest sending movers for the rest just in case. The room is paid up for the week. –J"

Harley tossed the note in the trash. No I'll miss you's, I love you's, or even a thanks for playing. She was so stupid. He didn't give two shits about her. Angrily she dug through the suitcase to find something for work. She had to look semi-presentable to quit. There was a knock on the door and she froze. She was positive that every time someone knocked on her door now she would go into a panic. "Yes?" she called through the closed door.

"Concierge miss, I have a delivery for you," the lady called from outside.

She peeked through the peep hole, just a woman holding something to the side. "Let her kill me," Harley thought. "I have nothing to really live for."

Harley opened the door slowly and the concierge handed her a large vase full of roses. Her jaw dropped. "What the hell?"

"It was sent to the front desk for you. Three dozen red roses."

She took the vase and scoured it for a tag but found a card instead. Finally she found it. "Thank you," she said closing the door and setting the vase down on the side table.

"Harley,

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in G is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men -Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.  
ever thine  
ever mine  
ever ours.

I didn't write it but the sentiment's the same. I wouldn't have been able to make it sound as lovely anyway-Puddin'."

It was the love letter from Beethoven she had tucked into her sketchbook. A silly romantic treasure she kept in hopes someday someone would love her as much, and here it was. She sniffed the roses and looked at the card once more. Suddenly she got angry again. These weren't his words. He stole them from her, from Beethoven. He'd manipulated her. Used her to get out of Arkham, to wreak havoc on the city. She crumpled up the card and hurled it into the trash. Her fury turned to the vase. She swept it off the table with her arm and watched it collide with the wall in the very spot Joker had smashed the lamp.

Harley quickly changed into a pair of dress pants and a pink t-shirt Benny had packed for her and pulled her hair into a ponytail. Not having her car, she had to take a cab all the way out to Arkham which cost a pretty penny. She made mental note to send Joker a bill for that.

"Harley!" Joan called as she rushed over to the young girl. "I haven't seen you in day I was beginning to worry."

"Is Dr. Arkham in?" Harley asked.

"Yeah, he's in his office. Are you ok? What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? You've been gone for almost a week!"

"I had the flu."

Joan stopped walking and made Harley stop too. "You can tell me the truth."

"No I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because," she laughed, "I don't even know what the fuck the truth is anymore." She continued walking and didn't bother looking back.

"Good morning Dr. Quinzel," Christina, Dr. Arkham's secretary, said eyeing her. "Haven't seen you in awhile."

"Uh huh."

"Nice t-shirt." It wasn't unusual for her to make a catty remark. Until Harley got there Christina had been hot stuff.

"Blow me," Harley replied opening Arkham's door without bothering to knock.

"Hey!" Christina yelled but Harley closed the door behind her and ignored the rest of what she had to say.

"Dr. Quinzel!" Dr. Arkham greeted jumping up from his desk. "Wonderful to see you again. Just give me 10 minutes to finish up with Mr. Nashton here and I'll be right with you."

"Sorry Ed, I'm taking your ten," Harley told Eddie, who was more than happy to sit back and watch the scene.

"Quite alright," Eddie assured her.

"I quit," She said firmly.

"I don't understand," Arkham replied.

"I'm leaving this nut house."

"But why?"

"Personal reasons." She left it at that and walked out.

* * *

When Harley got back to her office, Joan was waiting for her. "Hiya Doc," Harley grunted closing the door.

"Please, try to tell me what's going on. Not as a doctor, but as your friend."

Harley laughed and dropped into her chair. "You wouldn't get it."

"Try me."

"Alright, once upon a time there was a naïve girl who thought it would be noble to help mentally ill people. Then one day she met a true sociopath who told her fantastic stories and made everyday seem like a fairytale until one day the mob kidnapped the girl and she realized the sociopath was full of shit. The end."

"Harley…" Joan gasped.

"Oh I forgot the part where he saved her from a rapist and she fucked him. Now the end."

"Tell me this is a joke."

"I can tell you that it was to him."

"It was the Joker, wasn't it?" Joan asked.

Harley smiled.

"Wha…what…" Joan tried.

"I'll go ahead and wait for you to finish that sentence. Oh, and the rapist, was Jerry. He's totally dead by the way."

"You need to tell the police what happened."

"Ok, yeah I'll get right on that."

"You can't…"

"I can do whatever I want and what I'm going to do is pack up and leave town before some other mob boss decides he wants to get even with the Joker." Harley stood up and started pulling things out of her drawers.

"I told Dr. Arkham giving the Joker to you was a bad idea."

"Yeah, well, who would've guessed he wanted in my pants."

"I knew when I saw the security tape he was up to no good. That he was interested in you one way or another."

Harley stopped riffling through her drawers. "What?"

"He was just staring at you."

"What tape?"

Joan looked up into Harley's eyes and felt all the guilt hit her like a wave. "I'm sorry. I should've warned you to begin with."

"What fucking tape?"

"Dr. Arkham made the Joker your patient because of this security tape he found. It was in the cafeteria. Joker was staring at something and it turns out it was you," Joan explained. "I told Jeremiah it was like feeding you to the sharks but he said…"

Harley didn't hear the rest. She stormed out of her office and back to Dr. Arkham's. "You son of a bitch!" she screamed.

"Excuse me?" Arkham replied calmly.

"You knew the Joker was dangerous, that he was fixated with me but you threw me at him like bones to a dog!"

"You're a doctor Harley, I thought you could handle it."

"Bullshit. You just wanted to see how long it would take me to crack."

"I believed his fascination with you would make him more open to working with you."

"You're a liar."

"Dr. Arkham," one of the orderlies said timidly poking his head through the door.

"Yes?"

"Batman is here and he has Joker."

"Really?"

Harley bolted out of the office and made her way to the main hall. She had seen Batman only twice before, both times had been at night. He rarely made daytime drop offs. Hell, he was rarely out during the day. She pushed past the crowd who had gathered to see the mythical caped crusader. He stood there in the middle, gripping Joker by the shirt collar. Harley had never cared for Batman. She always thought he tormented the patients and he gave her the creeps.

She finally made her way to the front of the crowd. Joker looked pathetic. His face was bloody, cut, and bruised. His hands were cuffed in front of him and his legs lay in a heap under him. Harley dropped to her knees beside him pulled his free of Batman's grasp. Joker collapsed into her arms, his head pressed to her breast. She stroked his hair and felt the tears start to sting her eyes.

Batman's eyes fell on her. He was stunned but his face didn't change from cold and uncaring. He remembered her from before, doctor Q something…Quinzel. She was with Joker then too except she was more professional. But Joker had slipped his hand onto her thigh and a little smile pulled at her lips.

"Alright, back to work," Dr. Arkham barked as he and Dr. Leland joined the crowd. "Batman."

"Dr. Arkham," Batman grunted.

Joan joined Harley on the floor. She patted her arm softly and tried to discreetly pull Joker free from her arms but it was no use, she wouldn't budge and after a second Joan realized Joker was hanging on to Harley as well.

"He looks a little rough," Arkham commented.

"I got him robbing a bank."

"Strange."

"He put up quite the fight as well."

"I would hope you didn't pummel him for fun."

Batman let his eyes drift back to Harley on the floor. "He was almost feral."

Dr. Arkham nodded. "Well, boys," he said gesturing to the two orderlies waiting in the corner, "take him to the infirmary."

The orderlies slowly walked over to Joker. As they pulled him up Harley came with him. Joan held Harley back as the orderlies tugged Joker free.

"No!" Harley cried repeatedly trying to keep her hold on him. After a good yank by the more muscular orderly, Harley lost her grip but Joker didn't lose his. He held fast to her arm and dug his nails in. As the orderlies pulled him away, he clawed her arm leaving a trail of blood.

* * *

Harley had left Arkham Asylum immediately after the incident and went back to the hotel where she sat, unmoving, on the bed. Everything felt murky, like she was swimming through mud. Even when people spoke to her it was muffled and slow. She had dried blood stuck to her arm and clumped onto her clothes. She could smell it. The bitter copper scent wouldn't leave her nose.

Without realizing it, she had started to run her finger down the claw marks in her arm. It stung. He'd held onto her for dear life. Clung to her like she was the only thing keeping him alive. His life preserver in a sea of wretchedness. "You're crazy," she laughed.

She jumped up off the bed and went into the bathroom. "This ridiculous," she told the mirror. The person staring back at her was barely recognizable anymore and yet it seemed like nothing had changed. "I need to get out of here."

"Where are you going to go?" It was Harley's voice but she hadn't said anything. Her eyes floated up to the mirror again. Her reflection's expression looked different than her own.

"Anywhere but here," she answered.

"What will you do? You can't be a doctor anymore. When the other hospitals call to get your information Dr. Arkham is going to tell every juicy little detail to them." Harley realized this voice was a little higher than hers. Like it had been before one of her professors told her how annoying she sounded.

"What does he have to tell? He doesn't know anything."

"Oh, he knows everything. You think Joanie is going to keep your secret? You're crazy. Face it Harleen," the reflection mocked, "you're over. Time to let go."

* * *

Holly's eyes were as wide as saucers. She knew what came next but she still had to ask, "What happened next?"

"I let go," Harley answered.

* * *

"Good evening miss," the costume store clerk greeted brightly. "Help you find anything?"

"Nope. I'm good on my own babe." Harley danced through the aisles pulling out various costumes until her eyes fell on a red and black catsuit. She dropped everything else in her arms onto the floor and slipped the tight little jumpsuit off the hanger and held it in front of her in the mirror. She swore her reflection winked back.

"That's our new harlequin costume. Just got it in this morning. Has a matching head piece as well," the clerk told her pulling the head piece off a shelf behind him.

Harley turned around and stroked the head piece lightly. "Got a mask too?"

The clerk sprinted over to the glass case and pulled out a couple. "These would probably go best with that particular ensemble."

"I like that one," she said pointing to a cat eyed black one."

"May I make a suggestion?" he asked.

"Sure."

He sat a bottle of white face paint and a container of white powder onto the counter. "The white face will really set things off. This is professional grade clown makeup."

"Add it to the order," she told him. "And that black lipstick too."

"Anything else?"

"Shoes, I need shoes and maybe some gloves."

The clerk pulled out two pairs of gloves, one red and one black. "Either would go with the costume."

"I'll take both."

"Now shoes, I have the shoes that go with that costume. They have a firm sole so nothing will poke through them and they're rather comfortable." He pulled the shoes off the shelf to his left.

Harley slipped her stiletto off and slid the new shoe on. "Fits perfectly."

The clerk was shaking with excitement. This was the biggest sale he'd had all week.

"I have a question for ya, any joke stores around here?"

"Yes! Make a left when you leave here and it's the last store on the black on your right," the clerk told her.

"Great. Thanks."

"You're total is…"

Harley put up a hand to stop him. "Don't want to know. Here." She dug around in her purse and pulled out a gun, something extra Joker had left in her suitcase. "This should cover it."

The clerk threw his arms up in front of his face to shield it but it didn't matter. She got him in the chest.

"Thanks."

* * *

"And then she robbed the joke store and ransacked my hideout for supplies," Joker sighed. "When she told me all this later I was completely thrown off guard."

"You were completely turned on," Eddie shot back.

"Well, that too."

* * *

Harley strolled through the main doors of Arkham in her new costume. The night watch wasn't at their post, of course. "Typical," she huffed making her way to maximum security. The hallways were silent except for the echo of her footsteps. She rounded the corner and bumped right into two guards.

"What the hell?" the shorter of the two asked reaching for his gun.

"Ok sweetheart, playtime's over. Its sleepy time now," the other one said reaching for his own gun.

"Sorry, we haven't been introduced. I'm the doctor formally known as Harleen Quinzel. Nice to meet you," she replied.

"Call the cops," the first one said pointing his service revolver at her.

"You don't have to do that. It only takes three to party." Harley reached into her purse and she heard the familiar click of a gun being cocked.

"Keep the weapon in the bag mam."

"Weapon? I was just getting my chicken," she said innocently holding up a rubber chicken.

"This chick is crazy," the guard mumbled.

"Honey," she laughed taking a step closer, "you don't know the half of it." Harley swung the rubber fowl and hit the first guard right in the head. He went down quickly. The other guard fired off a round that whizzed past her ear and lodged into the wall. She swung the chicken up and clocked him in the face. You could hear the nose crack and shatter as the toy made contact. He crumpled to the ground in a bloody heap. Harley peeled apart the slit in the chicken's stomach and smiled. "Brick equals good idea." She tossed the chicken back into her purse and continued on her way.

Harley pressed herself up against the glass of Joker's cell. She could see him sleeping soundly on his cot. He looked so sweet. She drummed her fingers in the glass, he didn't wake up. She tapped a little louder, nothing so, she pounded away.

Joker snapped awake and jumped out of bed. He walked over to the glass. She was still pushed up against it, smiling like a maniac. He waved and she waved back.

"Hiya Puddin'," she said cheerfully.

"Harley?"

"Step back, I'm blowing you out of here."

Joker quickly got to the other end of his cell. He had a sneaking suspicion she really meant "blow". Harley pulled an aerosol can out of her bag and sprayed a smiley face across the glass. She backed up against the opposite wall and shielded her face from the explosion. Glass littered the hallway and the shockwave broke a couple of the other cells.

"Whoops," she giggled. Harley tiptoed through the mess and back into Joker's cell.

"Yeah, whoops," he sighed rubbing his head.

"I guess I should've read the directions.

"Was that my spray explosive?"

"Hope you don't mind, I borrowed some things." Harley offered him her hand and helped him to his feet.

"Not at all."

"Shall we?" she asked offering her arm.

Joker looped his arm through hers. "Absolutely doc."

"Call me Harley. Harley Quinn."

* * *

The sun was creeping through the blinds in Joker's hideout bedroom. He closed his eyes tighter and pulled Harley's sleeping form closer to him. She sighed contently as she rolled over and buried her face in his chest. "Morning," he mumbled.

"Good morning Puddin'."

"The sun is going to kill me."

Harley jumped up and sprinted for the blinds. Joker whined and tried to pull her back into bed. "Two seconds, calm down," she laughed as she closed the blinds tighter so no sun could intrude on their morning.

"So much better," he sighed. She jumped back into bed and crawled under the covers. "I'm going to love having you around."

"I'm going to love being around."

"Why are you here?" he asked.

"Two Face wasn't looking for anything serious right now," she joked.

"He always says that. He's hung up on that fungus."

Harley pulled the covers over her head and laughed.

"But, seriously, why are you here?"

She pulled the covers back. "I had two choices, give up my life and be miserable but alive or give up my life and be happy."

"Why would you choose to be miserable?" he laughed.

"I don't know. I thought maybe you were worth the misery."

"You're not funny."

"I'm a riot," she argued.

Joker snorted.

"My point is, I realized when I saw you at Arkham I wanted to be with you."

"Was it because I looked so pathetic all beat up?"

"No, it was because the possibility of never seeing you again was too much to bear."

Joker kissed her. "That'll never happen. Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours."

"My turn to play twenty questions."

"Go for it."

"Why did you send me Beethoven's letter instead of writing your own?"

"Because, you love that letter and it fit the situation."

"What would you have written?" she asked.

Joker thought about. "My dearest Harley," he began theatrically. "Although I know why you're leaving, I wish it wasn't so. We've had a lot of fun and I wish for it to continue. My life is going to suck in Gotham but I'll try and make it without you. Enjoy life and come back to me someday."

"I can see why you went with Beethoven," she laughed.

"Hey! I'm making it up on the spot. Give me an hour and some time to think and I'll deliver you Shakespeare."

"Bullshit," she giggled.

"Yeah, you're right."

* * *

"In the end, I was happier being with him than without him. My job, my life, it just didn't thrill me as much as he did," Harley explained.

"Eddie makes me feel that way," Holly replied.

* * *

"Let's say she didn't come back. Say she moved away, got a new job, and made a new life. What would you have done?" Eddie asked.

Joker stirred more creamers into his third coffee and thought. "I would've followed her. I don't think I had any intention of letting her go."

"Because you loooooove her," Eddie teased.

"Yes, I because I love her," Joker replied seriously. He got up from the table and put his coat on. "I would've chased her to Hong Kong and back."

"Joker," Eddie called as he was reaching for the door. He stopped and looked back at Eddie. "Would you have given it all up for her?"

"I don't know. I would like to think I would've at least tried."

"Seriously?"

"I've tried giving it up before." He shrugged. "It's the thought that counts right?"

"What if she asked now?"

"Harley wouldn't. She loves the life as much as I do now." He walked out the door and started for home.

* * *

"Help you any?" Harley asked.

"Kind of," Holly replied.

"I wish it helped me. I'm worried Joker might not come home."

"What did you two fight about?"

Harley blushed. "I was fantasizing about Pinhead from the Hellraiser movies during sex."

"Oh my god!" Holly cried.

"I know, it's weird but I can't help it."

"Oh, no, I totally get it! I think he's strangely sexy too. I think it's the voice and the whole power thing."

"I think I love you," Harley laughed.

Joker walked in the door and found Harley and Holly in a laughing fit on the couch. "Having fun?" he asked.

"Puddin'!" Harley yelled jumping up and running into his arms. She kissed him and wouldn't let go. "I'm sorry!"

"Forget it," he replied.

"Really?" she asked in disbelief.

"Really. You look nice."

"I dressed up for you."

"Throw on a coat and let's take it out for dinner."

"See you kids later," Holly said sneaking out the door.

* * *

Holly dumped her purse onto the coffee table in the living room as she walked in the door. She plopped down onto the couch to rest her feet. She had to get ready for work soon and the thought was killing her. "I wonder what Scarlet is doing," she thought aloud.

"Hey baby," Eddie greeted as he walked into the living room from the kitchen. "I grabbed Chinese for dinner."

"Awesome."

"What did you do today?"

"I hung out with Harley. You?"

"Inadvertently spent the day with Joker."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah and I realized something."

"He's got more loose screws than a cheap carnival ride?" she joked.

"No, that I love you and I want this to work."

"Wonderful."

He reached under the couch and pulled out a large box.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Open it."

Holly lifted the lid and inside was Eddie's Riddler suit. "What the hell?"

"I'm giving it to you. I want to commit to being with you and that means giving up the Riddler. From now on I'm just plain old Eddie Nigma…or Eddie Nashton. Whichever."

She stared at him dumbfounded for a second. "But…"

"Who says you have to give up everything to be with me? I'm happy being with you, I don't need anything else."

"Are you sure?"

"Hey, the least I can do is try."

Holly smiled and sat the box down on the floor. "I love you so much."


	20. Breathe In

Author's Note: I have a new computer at work and the speakers actually WORK so now I can rock out and write this little story. No, I don't actually work at work.

* * *

Selina winced as she pulled the ice pack off her eye. It was still swollen and a shade of purple that matched her catsuit. "Stupid bitch," she hissed as she lightly pressed the ice pack back on her eye. She wandered into the living room and sat on the couch not bothering with the TV. Not like she could see it all that well with one eye. Not surprisingly, she hadn't heard from Clark since the outburst two nights ago. She tried to call and apologize but he didn't call back. And on the flip side, she hadn't the courage to call Bruce. What would she say? There were a million scenarios playing her mind where she apologized or tried to explain herself. "Bruce? I love you." And there was scenario one million and one. She shook the thought from her mind.

Her phone was ringing. It was Harley. "Hello," Selina said casually.

"Hey, you busy?" Harley asked.

"Nope."

"Great, let me in then."

Selina smiled, put the phone down, and opened the door. "What happened to your key?"

"What happened to your face?"

"Talia happened. You didn't watch the Tipster video?"

"No!"

"I was out with Clark and we bumped into Talia and Bruce. Long story short, we wrastled and we both got each other pretty good."

"Is she dating Bruce?"

"I don't know."

"Are you still dating Clark?"

"I'm gonna say no since I haven't heard from him."

"Are you going to tell Bruce you want him back?"

"Yes."

Selina and Harley stared at each other silently, with all the serious they could muster until Harley cracked and started laughing. Selina followed suit.

"No you dork! I'm not going to tell him I love him. I mean I do and I always will but that ship just won't sail you know?"

"Yeah I know. Just sucks because it's a nice ship."

"It is a very sexy ship." Selina threw her ice pack onto the coffee table. "My face has frost bite."

"Any word from our wandering Ivy?" Harley asked.

"Nu-uh. So rude."

"She better bring us back something really awesome."

"Definitely."

* * *

On the other side of the world, Ivy stood in front of the giant glass window in her chateau themed hotel room. Everything in Venice was so beautiful, she wasn't sure how she was going to go back to real life in Gotham. The thought made her grimace.

"Nice face," Harvey joked from his spot in bed.

"I was thinking about Gotham," she explained.

"Ew."

"My sentiments exactly."

"We still have quite some time before we have to go back."

"I don't ever want to go back," she told him walking over to the dresser to get some clothes.

Harvey laughed.

"What?"

"You were off the plane for five whole minutes when you said 'I miss Harley and Selina'. What would you do if you moved away from them?"

"They could move too."

"Ok, and with them comes the rest of the party so basically what you'll have is Gotham in a new place."

Ivy threw a shirt at him. "Thanks a lot killjoy."

"Just being realistic."

"I didn't want to be realistic, I just wanted to dream for a minute."

He shrugged.

"Get your ass out of bed. I want to go shopping."

"We went shopping yesterday."

"We're in Venice, shopping happens everyday."

* * *

Johnny played with his shirt sleeve nervously. In less than an hour he'd be in Lawrenceville meeting Sage's family. At first it didn't seem like such a big deal and then she brought home a $1,500 suit for the occasion. Suddenly it seemed like the biggest deal of his life.

"You're fidgeting," Sage pointed out without looking up from her magazine.

He stopped playing with his shirt and crossed his arms. She didn't make him feel any better about this situation. She'd spent hours on her hair and makeup and then jumped into her pink cocktail dress. She looked like she was going to a wedding, not dinner at her parents' house.

"Don't freak out."

"I can't help it," Johnny sighed.

"It's just dinner."

"For you! I have to impress these people so they don't lock you away in our room to keep us apart."

Sage looked up at him through her heavy bangs and grinned. "Like locking me in my room could stop us."

Johnny shook his head. "What if they hate me?"

"Who cares?"

"I do! If they hate me then you might start to hate me."

"That is some ridiculous logic. I love you."

"But they're your parents."

"Yeah, and?" she replied. "They hate Gotham, I still live there. They don't like rock music but I love the Rolling Stones, always have and always will. They also don't care for brown hair but blonde just ain't my thing."

"Those are fairly superficial things," he commented.

"My point was, I don't care what they think. I'm me and I will like, love, and hate what and who I choose."

"I think it's whom."

"I was never good at grammar."

Johnny smiled.

"Feel better now?"

"I still want them to like me," he admitted.

"Sad fact is, they probably won't. I don't know what my mother is up to but I doubt its getting to know you time."

* * *

The Clocktower was empty. Barbara was spending the day with her father and wouldn't be monitoring the city until much later. Dick slipped through the elevator doors, Mission Impossible style, with Tim right behind him.

"We need theme music," Tim sighed.

"We totally need theme music. Every good action movie has a theme song," Dick agreed. "When we're done here, remind me to call Alice and see what she can come up with."

"Can do. Where do we start?" Tim asked scanning the room.

"The computer I guess."

"And what are we looking for?"

Dick scratched his head. "I don't know. A template for the website or notes on the Rogues. Maybe an email account for the Tipster."

"In other words, you have no clue."

"Not one. Computers aren't my thing."

"Do we know anyone who is good with computers?"

"You mean besides Barbara?"

"Crap."

"Yeah, exactly."

"Well, let's poke around and see if we can get anything at all."

Dick walked up to the main computer while Tim grabbed a couple chairs. They sat there staring at the blank screen. "You don't know how to turn this on by chance?"

"Oh yeah, she totally gave me an in depth computer training session."

"Alright, it can't be that hard. If I can use the Batcomputer I can do this."

"What were you doing on the Batcomputer?"

"Oh, just some research," Dick lied.

"Sure…Spanky."

"I was not looking at porn."

"I didn't say you were!"

"You were implying it."

"I think you were jumping to conclusions."

"Can we focus on turning the computer on?"

"I think it's on, I can hear humming."

Dick leaned toward the screen. It was definitely humming. "Well how to we get the picture to show up?"

Tim searched the desk for the mouse. "Aha!" He shook the little black mouse and instantly all the screens came to life.

"The student has surpassed the master."

"Computers are my generation's thing."

"Bunch of voodoo if you ask me. Ok wiz kid, where do we start?"

Tim clicked on the internet icon and the Tipster's website popped up on the screen. "She has it as her homepage?"

"This is something right?"

"It's weird that's for sure."

"See what's in her favorites," Dick directed.

"Ok captain." Tim opened the favorites file. "GCPD, Metropolis PD, Bludhaven PD, a million more PDs, FBI, CIA, looks like all work stuff. Wait! Frederick's? What's that?" Tim moved to click the link but Dick stopped him.

"It's shopping. Just shopping."

"Alright…weirdo. Anyway, there's nothing else here."

"Does she have a file for passwords?"

"I don't think Barbara would just leave her passwords sitting in a file that says 'open me and poke around in my private stuff'."

"No…but it might say passwords."

Tim rolled his eyes. "I don't see anything like that anyway."

"This is hopeless."

"It's Barbara, how hard can her passwords be? Let me get to the site login page."

"The page is different."

"That's because this is the host site's login page. You login here and edit your site."

"Voodoo."

"Now you know how I feel about your N64."

"Nintendo 64 is state of the art stuff man! You WERE James Bond when you played Golden Eye!"

"Voodoo."

"Shut up and login."

"What do you think she used as a login name?"

"Barbara?"

"Probably not champ."

"What about Tipster?"

Tim typed Tipster into the username bar and clicked enter. The next page read "Hello Tipster! Please enter your password."

"Are we getting somewhere?" Dick asked.

"I think so. Password ideas?"

"Um…Tipster?"

"Going with no."

"What about her birthday?"

Tim stared at Dick.

"What?"

"Want to tell me what it is?"

"You don't know? Wow. You're a bad friend."

"You have no clue do you?"

"I have it written down in my calendar."

"I'm calling Alfred." Tim pulled his phone out and dialed Wayne Manor.

"Wayne residence," Alfred greeted.

"Alfred, when's Barbara's birthday?"

"What are you up to?"

"Nothing…" Tim lied.

"I suppose it's better if I don't know. March 16th."

"Thanks." Tim quickly hung up the phone. "March 16th."

"You didn't get the year?"

"You don't know how old your girlfriend is?" Tim cried.

"I do too! I'm just not good with math."

"Dumbass."

"Just give me the keyboard." Dick yanked the board away from Tim and glared at him while he typed Barbara's birthday in.

"Wrong password," Tim sighed.

"Maybe it's my birthday."

"Should I call Alfred again?"

"I'm not that stupid!" Dick typed his birthday in. "Still wrong."

"Maybe it's I love Dick."

"Wow that sounds so wrong. And it's not it. Next idea."

"I don't know, is there a hint option?"

"No."

"Of course not."

"Maybe it's something to do with the Rogues."

"Rogues Gallery?"

"Not it."

"Gotham Gossip?"

"Nope."

"Joker123?"

"Nuh uh."

"Harley is cute."

"Seriously?"

"Worth a shot."

Dick rolled his eyes and typed it in. "If it works I'm going to assume you're the Tipster and trying to frame Barbara."

"It didn't and now we can't try anymore."

"Perfect."

"What's that?" Tim asked pointing to a file on the desktop.

"Rogue Tips…how did we miss that?"

"There are fifty million icons, we're bound to miss a lot of things. Click it."

Dick clicked the little file icon and up popped a window with other files labeled with the Rogues' names. "There's one for everyone."

"And look at that, us too."

Dick opened the one labeled Jervis Tetch. It was a word document with all the Tipster updates from the site. "What the hell?" he sighed.

"Click on another."

He clicked on Holly's. It was the same thing.

"She might've copied and pasted these for future reference," Tim offered.

Dick opened the one with Ivy's name on it. "Then what's this?"

Tim scooted closer to the screen. It was a picture of Ivy in Venice dated for today. It wasn't on the site yet. "Damn."

"You have that flash drive still?"

"Yeah."

"Pop it in."

Tim got on the floor and looked for a tower. "In don't see the computer down here."

"That's because it's up here."

He popped back up and looked at the spot where Dick was pointing. Sure enough, it was on the right side of the desk. "Nice." He put the flash drive in and Dick copied the files onto it. "Are you sure you want to do this? It's all still pretty circumstantial."

"Bruce needs to know even if we don't have everything yet."

* * *

"It's like three degrees outside and you want ice cream," Selina groaned as Harley dragged her down the street.

"You need ice cream for these kinds of situations," Harley replied.

"What situation?"

"Being dumped."

"I wasn't dumped. I'm just being ignored."

"Same difference."

Selina huffed indignantly.

"Either way, I want a sundae."

* * *

Johnny shakily stepped off the train onto the platform. He still felt like puking in a corner no matter what Sage told him. There was a man holding a sign with Sage's name at the other end of the platform. "You have a chauffer," he said plainly.

"Oh, yeah. No big deal," she shrugged.

"No, not at all," he replied sarcastically.

"Just remember, the fancy stuff isn't me. I like my life exactly as it is," she assured him.

They walked toward the driver. He was a middle-aged man with slightly graying hair and a no nonsense look on his face. "Ms. Monroe?" he asked.

"Yup, that's me."

"I am Elliot your family's new chauffer."

"Pleasure to meet you and this is Jonathan Crane."

"Shall we be on our way?"

Johnny and Sage exchanged a look. "I guess," she said finally. They followed the driver to the town car that was parked out in the lot. Elliot held the door open for them to get in and then silently moved to the driver's side and started the journey to Sage's parents' house.

"Lovely scenery," Johnny commented looking out the window.

"It's better in the summer," Sage replied.

Elliot remained silent.

"How long have you been working for my parents?" Sage asked.

"A year," he answered quickly.

"What happened to Raj?"

"I never inquired."

Sage nodded. "Do you enjoy working for them?"

"Yes."

"Are you from Lawrenceville?"

"No."

Sage gave up. This guy wasn't a talker which may be why her parents hired him. Raj used to spend hours chatting with her and they weren't fond of her making friends with "the help".

* * *

"Can we talk?" Nightwing asked nervously stepping into the Batcave.

"Can it wait until tomorrow?" Batman replied focusing his attention on the screen.

"I guess…"

"There's a new Bastet exhibit at the art museum."

"You going to keep an eye on it?" Nightwing knew where he was going with it. Cat-themed exhibits, auctions, art, jewelry, etcetera were all Batman's territory.

"No. I want you to stay on it tonight."

Robin looked up from his textbook from his spot in the corner. This was strange.

"Are you sure?" Nightwing questioned looking to Robin for an answer.

"Yes," Batman replied firmly.

"Ok boys, are we ready? I have a robbery in progress at Gotham National Bank and what looks like a hostage situation at Gotham General," Barbara reported over the communicator.

"Robin take the robbery, I'll handle the hospital, and Nightwing," Batman ordered.

"Yes?"

"Don't let her off easy." He got up and stalked over to the Batmobile where he waited for Robin.

"Be careful," Nightwing said giving Robin a slap on the shoulder.

"You too."

* * *

Johnny didn't meet Sage's parents when they got to the house. "They're getting ready," the butler informed them when Sage inquired about their whereabouts. Instead, they were shown to their room to freshen up and then instructed to wait in the parlor.

"Nice parlor," Johnny teased.

"Shut up!" Sage giggled. "Everyone in Lawrenceville has a parlor."

"Mmmm-yessss," he replied in his most stuck up accent.

"I can't help it that my parents are rich stiffs."

"Oh no, it's great. We should really turn the spare room into a parlor."

Sage rolled her eyes.

"So how long will it take them to get ready?"

"I don't know. I don't even know why they're getting all dressed up. It's just dinner at home," Sage sighed.

"Hello dear," Sage's mother called as she and her husband strolled into the room. "Wonderful to see you." She gave Sage a kiss on both cheeks and then turned her attention to Johnny. "You must be Mr. Crane."

"Oh, right, mom, dad, this is Jonathan Crane. Johnny this is my father Chester and my mom Charlotte," Sage introduced.

Johnny smiled and gave them both a handshake. "Call me Johnny."

Charlotte forced and smile. "Of course."

"Our guests should be arriving momentarily," Chester said walking over to the bar. "Can I offer you a cigar or a drink Johnny?"

"A drink would be nice."

"How about a brandy?"

"Great."

"Anything for you princess?"

"She's fine," Charlotte replied for her. "Alcohol is bad for your figure dear and it already looks like you've gained more than enough weight."

Sage gritted her teeth and pretended her mother's comments didn't bother her. "So I heard daddy say guests, who all is coming?"

"Really dear, such poor grammar," Charlotte scolded.

"We just invited a few close friends. They're all so excited to see you," Chester answered handing Johnny his brandy.

A half hour later and there were 5 other couples in the Monroe's house. It was nerve racking for poor Johnny who had never been around so many rich people without his costume before. When they finally sat down for dinner her felt a little calmer until they all started to ask him questions.

"What do you do for a living Jonathan?" Mrs. Keel asked.

"Well, um…" Johnny looked to Sage for help. He knew her parents knew but he wasn't sure if they told anyone.

"Starla I told you," her husband replied, "Johnny is one of the famous Gotham super criminals."

Guess that answered that question.

"How exciting!" Starla squealed.

"He's all over that Tipster website along with the Joker, Twoface, and Catwoman," Mrs. Lease added.

"Weren't you like a doctor or something before you went all coocoo?" one of the other men who introduced himself as Tex, asked.

Johnny laughed nervously. "I was a psychologist at Arkham."

"See, it's that damned hospital. It turns everyone into lunatics like that hyper clown girl. I heard she worked there too."

"Harley, yes she did."

"Now she's running all over Gotham City in a skin tight costume, killing people, and humping homicidal clowns," Tex cried.

"She's good looking though," Mr. Keel added.

"Shoot, she is. All them crazy women are good looking. Especially that red headed gal." Tex's wife playfully slapped him on the shoulder and faked a look of shock.

"You ever date any of them girls Jonathan?" Mr. Rossi asked from down the table.

"No, I haven't."

"That's a shame."

Sage glared down the table.

"Which one of them gals is Bruce Wayne porking?" Tex asked.

Charlotte and a couple of the other ladies gasped and nearly choked on their food.

"Don't be so uptight," Tex hissed.

"He was dating Catwoman but they're no longer together."

"Isn't he friends with the Joker as well?" Chester inquired.

"No one is really friends with the Joker, you just tolerate him," Johnny joked.

The table laughed a little too appreciatively.

"Well, now we can say we have a Rogue friend too. You should play a round of golf with us tomorrow Johnny," Mr. Keel said.

Sage suddenly realized why her parents wanted Johnny to come to dinner. Rogues were the new "it" thing like iPods or 3d TVs.

* * *

Ivy leaned back into Harvey and sighed contently as their gondola slowly drifted down one of the many canals in the city. Venice was like a dream. A beautiful, romantic, dream and they were like two completely different people. They could relax and enjoy each other without worrying about who saw them do what and what would be said about it. Instead of sitting around the hotel room like Harvey would at the apartment, he wanted to be out in the city, taking in the sites and just being with Ivy and she let him be romantic. Just that afternoon, a street performer played a little song on his guitar and Harvey had grabbed Ivy by the hand and began to dance with her right there on the street. Something he wouldn't have done at home and if he did, she wouldn't participate in. But since they were in Venice, it felt right.

"Do you think we'll be this happy when we go home?" Ivy asked.

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Well, until Joker shows up." Harvey smiled down at her and Ivy laughed.

"I'm serious! Why is it so hard to be this happy in Gotham?"

Harvey didn't have an answer for her.

* * *

"I have the robbery all cleaned up. Small time thugs," Robin said over the com line.

"I just left the hospital and I'm heading over to a homicide scene," Batman replied.

"Great. Should I go help Nightwing?"

"No, circle the city and keep an eye on things."

"Ok. Robin out."

* * *

Catwoman slowly pocketed the small Onyx Bastet statue. It felt good to flex her claws again and if she ran into Batman, well, that was an extra bonus. Ok, she was trying to run into Batman. The whole thing was too obvious to miss. She climbed back into the air vent and silently crawled her way to the roof.

"Feels a little easy doesn't it?" Nightwing asked dropping down behind her.

"What are you doing here?" Catwoman asked indignantly.

"Taking back whatever you took."

"No, I mean, where's your daddy?"

Nightwing didn't respond.

"Oh." Catwoman suddenly realized what was going on.

"Selina, he's just…"

Catwoman raised a hand to stop him. "No, don't lie for him. I know what the truth is. He's just done." She pulled the little statue out of her pouch and tossed it to Nightwing. "I don't want this."

"I'm sorry."

Catwoman took off in a sprint and over the side of the building. Home, she needed to be home.

* * *

"Lets see what's happening this evening, Catwoman is on the prowl, looks like Harvey and Ivy are still on vacation, and Joker is once again going to Mr. Fu's China Palace. Geeze! Those two live at that damn Chinese place! Do Italian or something for a change."

* * *

"That was interesting," Johnny said as he and Sage crawled into bed.

"It was horrible! I'm so sorry."

"It wasn't all bad."

"It was so embarrassing," Sage cried. "They're such freaks!"

Johnny laughed. "Your parents seem nice at least."

"They're the biggest freaks! Parading you around like you're their new horse or car!"

"What can I say? I'm in style this season."

Sage giggled.

"They want me to play golf with them tomorrow."

"Hell no! We're on the first train back to Gotham tomorrow morning."

* * *

"Hello," Harley said cheerfully into the phone.

There was a heavy breathing on the other end and some sniffling and finally Harley heard Selina choke out a pitiful "Harley."

Harley jumped up off the couch and ran fro the bedroom, knocking Joker into a wall in the process. "Where are you?"

"Home."

"Give me fifteen minutes." Harley snapped her phone closed and quickly threw some pajama pants under her silk nightie. She ran back to the living room to the coat closet and grabbed one of her coats. She also pulled on her little heeled booties. "I'll be at Selina's," she yelled as she ran out the door.

"Ok," Joker said to no one as he pulled himself up off the floor. "I'll be here, mourning the loss of my spine."

* * *

Selina opened the door as Harley went to knock. Tears stained Selina's face and there were more in her eyes. It was one of the very few times Harley had seen her cry.

"Whatever it is, it's going to be ok," Harley assured her as they walked back into the apartment.

Selina shook her head and dropped down onto the couch. "No! Everything is ruined."

"Tell me what happened." Harley tossed her coat onto the lazy boy and joined Selina on the couch.

She took a deep breath and tried to figure out a way to say what had happened without giving away that Bruce was Batman. "I tried to call Bruce and he made it clear he didn't want to hear from me."

"Oh, see that's not bad. He's just being a guy. He'll come around."

Selina shook her head again. "No, this is different. He's never said that to me before. He's ignored my calls or told me he's needed time but never has he just told me it was over." It was true. This was the first time in history that Batman had blatantly rejected her like this. Especially when it was so obvious she would be there.

Harley got up off the couch and bounced into the kitchen. She dug around the freezer and pulled out a tube of cookie dough. "We'll start with this and run out for ice cream later."

Selina laughed.

"See! You're smiling already. The world isn't going to end, I promise. Bruce will wise up and figure out what he's missing soon."

"What if he goes back to Talia?"

"I'll kill her and ship the body to Ivy in Venice to be disposed of."

"You're a good friend."

"Are you kidding? I'm the best."

* * *

Sage and Johnny were up at the crack of dawn the following morning. They had secured their train tickets last night and were in the cab before the servants had even woken up. Sage left her parents a note on the dining room table thanking them for dinner and explaining that they had an emergency back in Gotham.

"I'm so tired," Sage yawned.

"Me too," Johnny agreed. He stretched his arms over his head and turned to crack his neck when he noticed a familiar woman standing slightly behind and to the left of him. He turned a little more and squinted at her.

"What?" Sage asked noticing his strange behavior.

"I think I know her."

Sage also stared at the woman. "I don't. I'm a little jealous."

"I don't know her like that."

"Maybe you robbed her once."

"No, I don't think so."

"Isn't that Lex Luther?" Sage asked pointing the bald man approaching the mystery woman.

"It is. Maybe I've seen her in the papers then."

The woman and Luther were walking in their direction now and Johnny and Sage quickly turned away. They were standing a few feet behind them now, close enough so they could hear their conversation.

"I hate trains," Lex groaned.

"I know but a flight seems so pointless since we're only two hours away by train," the woman replied.

"Her voice is really familiar," Johnny whispered.

"I don't see why we have to stop in Gotham anyway. We should just take a flight straight through to Metropolis," Lex continued complaining.

"I told you, my father is still in Gotham. I want to visit for a bit."

Johnny could see her in his mind but he couldn't pin point where the memory was. He took a gulp from his water bottle.

Lex snorted.

"Don't worry, I'll make it worth your trouble, Beloved."

Johnny spit his water across the train station, jumped out of his seat, and made the loudest of gasps simultaneously. Lex and the woman, who Johnny now recognized as Talia al Ghul, turned around to stare at him. "Sorry, I just realized I have to pee." And he ran in the direction of the bathroom with Sage following him close behind.

"What the hell?" Sage asked when they were alone in the bathroom hallway.

"That woman! That woman is Talia al Ghul!" he cried.

"Oh!"

"Talia al Ghul is standing out there with Lex Luther! I don't know what this means but it can't be good."

"Do you think their dating? She was just with Bruce Wayne like 3 days ago."

"She called him Beloved, if they aren't dating they're at least knocking boots."

Sage pulled her phone out and peeked around the corner. Lex and Talia were still standing there. She snapped a quick picture and ducked back into the hallway.

"What are you doing?" Johnny asked.

"Giving the Tipster something new to talk about."

"Why?"

"Because, maybe she'll be so enthralled with this little news bulletin she'll leave the rest of us alone for awhile."

* * *

"Holy crap on a cracker! Is this the Underworld's new royal couple? I thought these two hated each other. Something about stealing a company and backstabbing…I don't know. Whatever is going on, I'm intrigued!"


	21. Cup of Coffee

Author's note: Starting this whole effin chapter over again because my flash drive smoked crack, freaked the fuck out, and deleted it! FUCK! I hope this ends up as good as the first draft. That was pretty freaking awesome.

* * *

Harley pulled her coat around her tighter so no one would notice she was wearing a silk nightgown over a pair of pajama pants. Not that anyone on Gotham would take a second look. Weirder things walked the streets than pajama clad women. She scampered across the street and was just about to walk into her apartment building when she noticed the new Vogue on the newsstand outside. Harley wandered over and picked it up. As she pulled her money out to the pay the vendor, she knocked over another magazine. "Oh, crap. Sorry," she mumbled bending down to pick it up. A familiar face greeted her from the cover. "Tipster brings to light new information on the Joker," Harley read. "I'll take this too."

The elevator was empty. Harley was thankful since the heat in the building was usually jacked up to what felt like 100 degrees. She pulled off her coat as she examined the cover of the Gotham Magazine that featured the Joker. The elevator stopped, the doors opened, she stepped off, and unlocked her door without ever looking up.

"I made breakfast!" Joker cried as she walked through the door.

Harley looked up. He was standing there wearing a food splattered apron and chef's hat holding a spatula. She could smell burning something and she started to worry she didn't have a kitchen. Immediately she bolted for the kitchen and was horrified. "You made a mess!" she whined. There was batter all over the walls and floor, burnt toast in the toaster, black gunk in the pans, and smoke billowing out of the oven. Harley tilted her head back, pressed her palms into her eyes, and groaned. When she dropped her arms to her sides she noticed there was batter on the ceiling as well. "Is that pancake batter on the ceiling?" she asked.

"No…it's waffle batter," Joker answered sheepishly.

"Why is it on the ceiling?"

"I forgot to put the lid on the blender."

"Why were you mixing waffle batter in a blender?"

"I couldn't find the mixer."

"Why not use a bowl and a spoon?"

Joker scoffed, "That's a lot of work."

Harley shook her head and took a seat at the table. "I'm not cleaning this up," she warned.

"That's what we have henchmen for. I'll just call someone."

"You need to call a hazmat team," she mumbled flipping open her magazine.

Joker grimaced at one of the charred pans. "I think we need new cooking utensils."

She rolled her eyes and started reading the article on Joker.

* * *

Selina's slender arm slowly crawled out from under the comforter, fingers searching the nightstand for her phone. After finding nothing, a day planner, and knocking her alarm clock to the floor, she found what she was looking for. Her arm flew back under the blanket and she scrolled through the texts and calls. "No missed calls but there is a new Tipster update," she said to herself. "Let's see." Her eyes scanned the text several times, her brain couldn't quite register what she was reading. The words on the page didn't belong in a sentence together and the picture was beyond belief. She threw the covers back thinking it must be a trick of the light, or lack there of. It remained the same, Lex and Talia in a picture together with the news that they were a couple. Selina was on her feet in seconds jumping up and down on the bed while doing a little dance and singing, "Lex and Talia sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Uh huh! Uh huh! Uh huh uh huh uh huh! What!"

"Nice victory dance," Barbara laughed from the bedroom doorway.

Immediately Selina dropped to her knees and ducked under the comforter. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I came to take you to lunch but I was captivated by the entertainment," she replied.

"How did you get in?"

"I was knocking for five minutes and then I noticed the door was open."

"Ever hear of calling?"

"Sorry, it didn't cross my mind. Are you going to come out?"

"No!" Selina cried. "I'm mortified!"

"Oh come one!"

"Isn't it a little early for lunch?"

"If you weren't playing turtle and you hadn't put your alarm clock on the floor you would see that it's 11:30," Barbara answered.

"I have to take a shower first."

"Alright, I'll be in the living room."

Selina waited until she was sure Barbara was in the living room and then she bolted to the bathroom to shower off her humiliation.

* * *

"Whatcha thinkin' about?" Alice asked as she played with Jervis's hand.

"Babies, running away, the cost of diapers, how lovely Arkham is this time of year, a surprise abortion, using mind control to make you not want a baby, getting a job in Disney World as their Mad Hatter," he thought to himself but aloud he said, "Nothing."

"Oh. Well, do you want to go look at baby stuff today? I was thinking we could start looking at cribs and things to get an idea what we want to register for."

Jervis nodded. "Whatever you want."

"I'm so excited!"

"Uh huh."

"I bet we're having a girl."

"Yup."

"Do you have any name ideas?"

"Nope."

"You seem a little dazed."

"I'm still in a bit of shock," he admitted. "This all seems to be happening rather fast."

Alice let go of his hand. "Oh."

"I just need a moment to let all this sink in."

"It's been days."

"Yes, but I'm a man, contrary to what Joker tells everyone. It takes a little longer for men to get used to this news."

"Be honest, you don't want a baby do you?"

"Honestly, no I don't."

Alice threw her orange juice in Jervis's face and marched right out the door.

"She said be honest, I was honest. And what did it get me huh? Orange juice in my face…and in my coffee. Damn it." He got up and dumped the remainder of his coffee into the sink.

* * *

"FBI criminal psychologist Max Jeroe says, 'The Joker is an expert manipulator and when he felt that Harley Quinn was pulling away for good and moving on to someone else, he used the last trick in his arsenal, I love you. Those three little words mean the world to most people but to him it's just another weapon in the war of keeping this poor girl under his thumb. Soon she'll begin to realize nothing has changed and she'll start to break free again. Question is, will Joker find another trick up his sleeve?'" Harley read to herself. That was how the whole article was. Expert after expert weighing in on Joker's love. They all agreed, it was bullshit. They used Tipster updates as their evidence and had body language experts pick apart how they stood together or sat. It was humiliating. Everyone in Gotham would be laughing at her.

Harley threw the magazine down onto the kitchen table and got up. "I need to take a shower," she muttered walking out of the kitchen.

"Ok babe. Bert, you missed a spot." Joker pointed at a small glob of god only knows what that was on the cupboard.

"Sorry Mr. Joker," Bert replied.

"And Ernie, make sure you scrub out the cracks in the tile."

"It's Rob sir."

"What?" Joker asked.

"My name, it's Rob."

"I know that but Bert and Rob sounds ridiculous!"

"I thought your name was Trent," Rob whispered.

"It is but I don't have the medication to argue with him. In this job you learn to accept what you get and hope you don't die in the process."

Joker picked up the magazine Harley had tossed onto the table. "Hello handsome!" He opened it to the article and began to read.

* * *

"I'm guessing you saw the Tipster update this morning." Barbara smiled over her menu not looking up to catch Selina's glare.

"I did. Know anything about it?"

"I know that they were in the Lawrenceville train station."

"What the hell would those two be doing in Lawrenceville?" Selina asked.

Barbara shrugged. "With Lex, it's probably business. An investor might live out there or something. As for Talia, if it doesn't involve Batman or her dad then god only knows."

"I don't see anything in Lawrenceville for his royal demon ass."

"Me neither and as far as I know he's still in Gotham."

"Really? Doing what?"

"I have no clue what anyone is doing anymore! All you felons are laying so low you're almost good citizens! I'm waiting to see if Joker is going to file taxes!"

"We have become rather boring," Selina agreed.

"Someone needs to start shaking things up."

* * *

"Hey Bru…Batman," Dick said as he and Tim walked into the Batcave.

Batman grunted.

"What time did you get up?" Tim asked.

"I haven't been to bed yet. I'm looking into a murder from last night."

"Ok, well, can you spare a couple minutes?"

"Later."

"Yeah, you said later last night so no, now," Dick replied.

"Fine, I'm listening." He didn't turn around or stop typing but Dick and Tim knew it was as good as they were going to get.

"It's about the Tipster," Tim said.

Batman's typing slowed for a second.

"We think its Barbara," Dick went on.

He stopped typing all together but didn't turn. "What?"

"Here." Dick put the flash drive into the computer and opened the Tipster folder. "We pulled this off Barbara's computer."

Batman opened the Bruce Wayne file. "It's all off the website. She could've saved them for future reference."

"That's what we thought too but…" Tim opened Ivy's file and showed him the picture. "It's dated for yesterday but it's not on the site."

He didn't say anything.

"Do you want me to talk to her?" Dick asked.

"No. Watch her for now and see if you can get anything else. I don't want to jump to anything."

Dick nodded.

"Anything else?"

"I'm making a sandwich. Anyone else want one?" Tim asked.

"No," Batman grumbled.

"Ok, a mandatory sandwich for the big guy, Dick?"

"Extra mayo no tomatoes!"

"I'm not Taco Bell, I know about the tomatoes."

"They just feel weird in your mouth."

Tim shook his head and headed for the kitchen.

"There is something else I wanted to discuss," Dick said carefully.

"Go on."

"It's about Catwoman."

Batman stopped everything and turned to look at Dick. "Did she come to the museum?"

"Come on! You knew she would! It's your thing. It was obvious she would be there and you're supposed to go, catch her in the act, banter and flirt, and then the next day you two are a step closer to not being stupid."

"She ended things."

"Is your pride so big?"

"It's not about pride."

"Then what?"

Batman turned back to the computer.

"Is it Talia?"

"No."

"Oh, I know what it is."

"What?"

"It's Joker isn't it?" Dick joked elbowing Batman in the ribs.

Batman smiled a little.

"I knew it was only a matter of time. He's on the straight and narrow and now you two can…"

"I give up!" Batman cried. "It's not about me liking someone new."

"Then what?"

Batman sighed and took off the cowl. "It feels weird talking about this as Batman."

"It was a little odd for me too."

"She breaks up with me and the next thing I know she's with Clark. I still can't think about moving on."

"She wasn't serious with him or anything."

"Still…"

"And she totally ripped Talia to shreds and from what you told me it was over you."

Bruce shrugged.

"You should call her."

Bruce turned back to the computer. "I'll get over it."

"Just in case you decided to get over it with a certain annoying demoness…" Dick sat his phone on the desk, opened to the Tipster update, and walked out.

* * *

"You know what we need? One of those bathtubs with the jets in it like a hot tub. Oh! And big enough for two," Harley said as she walked into the kitchen. "It looks cleaner in here."

Joker nodded.

Harley noticed the magazine in his hands. "Ugh, that thing. Bunch of nonsense right?"

He didn't say anything.

She walked around to stand behind him and see which part he was on. It was the last page. "Some experts." She laughed nervously.

"It's kind of interesting," he replied.

Harley yanked the magazine out of his hands. "Let's go out to lunch while the boys finish up the kitchen."

"I'll get dressed."

"Great."

* * *

"You need to talk to him," Holly ordered as she and Eddie made up lunch in their kitchen. Alice was still sobbing on their couch.

"Me?" Eddie asked in disbelief.

"You're his friend."

"What the hell do I say? Man up and get used to being a dad?"

"Look, I don't care what you say but say something. Otherwise Alice is going to be our new roommate and then we'll have a baby to take care of because as much as I love my sister she's about as mature as a six year old and she won't think twice about dumping a baby off on me."

"Why can't you talk to him?"

"Because."

"That's not an answer."

"Just do it!" she yelled.

* * *

Lex grimaced at his phone. "Ridiculous," he grumbled.

"Someone's cranky," Talia teased. "Want a back rub?" She began to massage his shoulder with her foot.

He looked back at her. She was lying on her side, propped up on her elbow in her little white silk nightgown. Lex smiled. Sure she was annoying, needy, sneaky, and spoiled but no one could deny she was beautiful and since this was just a fling, he could ignore her lesser qualities. "They're talking about us."

Talia got up and crawled down the bed to see what Lex was looking at. "Oh well."

"Oh well? You don't care?"

"Not particularly."

He snorted.

"Afraid of what people will think?"

"I just like having the right publicity."

"All press is good press darling." Talia's phone started to ring and she grabbed it off the nightstand. "Damn."

"What?"

"Be quiet!" she hissed answering the phone. "Hello father."

Lex smirked.

"I'm in Gotham, are you free for dinner?" she asked.

"I can move some things around. What are you doing in Gotham?" Ra's asked.

"Visiting you on my way to Metropolis."

Lex rolled his eyes.

"Hmmm…" Ra's replied.

"What time do you want to have dinner?" Talia asked.

"7 will be fine. Our usual spot?"

"Sounds lovely."

"Bring Lex with you." He hung up leaving Talia shocked.

"What did he say?" Lex asked.

"To bring you dinner."

Lex jumped up off the bed. "What? Why?"

"I don't know."

"I don't want to meet your father!"

"I don't want you to meet him either but I have no intention of telling him that!"

"A fling! Just an easy fling you said and here we are!"

* * *

"Why is Bruce calling me?" Barbara sighed pulling out her phone. "Do you mind?" she laughed.

"Not at all," Selina replied.

"Yeah?"

"What do you know about Talia and Lex?" Bruce asked.

"Next to nothing."

"Great. Keep an eye on it."

Barbara turned away from Selina and mumbled, "Jealous?"

"No. I just don't know how I feel about them partnering up."

"I think they're just dating."

"Talia and Lex hate each other."

"Sometimes hate sparks the greatest love."

"Why are you mumbling?"

"I'm at lunch with a friend."

"Can I get another coke?" Selina asked the waiter as he passed by.

"Is that Selina? Are you having lunch with Selina?"

"Yes and now I really have to go. I will keep you posted on the al Ghul/Luther situation." She snapped her phone closed and smiled. "Work stuff."

"Talia?"

"He just wondered what I knew."

Selina scrunched up her face.

"It was purely from a Batman perspective."

"Of course." Selina smiled.

"I'm gonna use the ladies. Be back in a second." Barbara headed off for the bathrooms and Selina grabbed her phone. She quickly hit redial and looked around the restaurant, afraid someone would catch her.

"Hear something already?" Bruce asked.

Selina had to take a deep breath. His voice always hit her like a ton of bricks.

"Barbara?"

"Sorry dear, I tricked you," Selina finally said.

Now Bruce was silent.

"You won't answer my calls…"

"Where is Barbara?"

"In the bathroom. I'll give her back the damned phone when she gets out, don't worry. Look, can we talk?"

He didn't say anything.

"I'm taking silence for yes. Two hours, Starbucks on 17th and Adams?"

"Fine."

"Alright. See you then."

He hung up without another word.

Selina put the phone back down onto the table just as Barbara came back. "I think I'm going to scoot home. Thanks for lunch."

"Anytime," Barbara replied.

* * *

Harley reached her leg out under the table and rubbed her foot up and down Joker's leg. He smiled at her and went back to looking at his menu. "You're really quiet today," she commented.

"Oh."

She sighed. "Anything in particular on your mind?"

He shook his head.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fine."

The waiter sat their coffees down onto the table. "Ready to order?"

"Not yet," Joker told him.

He smiled and walked away again. Harley stirred a few, or twenty, packets of sugar into her coffee.

"I'm surprised you're not diabetic."

"I like sugar. Can't help it."

He smiled and Harley felt a little better.

"You're so sweet already though."

She smiled wide and blushed a little. "You're a dork."

"It's true. You're sweet, beautiful, and all around amazing."

She was completely pink now. "I love you."

"I don't."

The world seemed like it had slammed on its brakes and everything lurched. Harley could feel the whiplash beginning in her neck and back. She could see her world crumbling, breaking, and falling apart around her and she felt like she was falling. She tried to stand up but her legs wobbled and Harley fell back down into the chair.

"Are you ok?" he asked reaching over to touch her shoulder.

Harley jerked back and gripped the table. "Oh my god."

"I don't know what to say."

Roaring, like a train, filled her ears and she could faintly hear him talking in the background. "Why?"

"The more I thought about it the more I thought maybe I didn't love you like I said I did."

She tried to stand again, this time with help from the table. Her mind was reeling and everything still felt like it was falling. It was like trying to stand on a rollercoaster. She stumbled and Joker got up to help her.

"Maybe you should sit."

The second his hands touched her skin she felt searing pain spread throughout her body like she had been branded with a hot iron. "No!" she cried firmly pushing him off. "Don't touch me!"

"I'm…I feel…" He tried to find words but he couldn't. He wasn't sure if he was sorry. "If I don't love her then its better this way," his mind reasoned. And he couldn't say eh felt anything. He thought he did but that article had been so convincing. It said he fooled himself into thinking he could feel things. Was it right? How could he know for sure?

"I hate you."

That felt like it hurt.

Harley grabbed her purse off the floor and stumbled for the door. She had to get away from him. She was positive that the second she got outside everything would be better.

* * *

"You're late," Bruce said indifferently when Selina sat down at the corner table.

"Sorry. Traffic on 12th. I had to get out of the cab and walk the rest of the way."

Bruce nodded.

"Buy you a coffee?" she asked.

"No."

The air was thick with tension. Selina could practically smell his disgust with her. "Alright. How are you?"

"If this is a session of chit chat then I'm going to leave. I have things to do," he told her coldly.

"Sorry, I was just trying to be polite."

"I don't need polite."

"Again, sorry." She rubbed her right temple and sighed. This wasn't going well.

"What did you want to talk about?" he asked trying to push her forward.

She sat up straighter and brushed her hair out of her face. "I just wanted to apologize for the other night."

"Apology accepted." He got up.

"I'm not done!"

He remained standing at the table.

"Look, it was inappropriate and childish. I didn't mean to ruin anything between you and Talia."

"Ok."

"You still seem mad."

"I'm not mad."

Selina threw her hands up in the air in exasperation.

"I have to go." He started for the door and she followed. He wasn't getting away that easily.

"Done so soon sir?" Alfred asked as Bruce approached.

"No, he's not," Selina called after him.

"What?" Bruce asked.

"What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing."

"You're mad about something."

"I'm not mad about anything."

"You don't show up at the museum, you won't talk to me, and I'm standing here admitting I was wrong and all you can say is ok? There's something wrong tell me!"

"You apologized and I accepted. I don't know what more you want."

"I want you to not be like this."

Bruce scoffed. "How should I be? Happy? Thanks Selina! I'm so happy we cleared up that whole incident. Call me so we can have drinks and you can date more of my friends!"

"I know things can't be perfect but…"

"No! No they can't be perfect, good, or even ok."  
"Why not?"

"You broke my heart!" he yelled.

Selina felt everyone staring at her and when she caught sight of the pity in Alfred's face she lost her nerve and bolted down the street.


	22. What The Hell

Author's Note: Oh this is gonna be fun! I apologize to everyone in advance.

* * *

"I'm dying," Selina said with all seriousness when Ivy answered the phone.

"What?" Ivy bolted upright in bed, knocking Harvey off her. "What's going on? Where's Harley? Have you called 911?"

"Not physically dying, emotionally. Mentally."

"Jesus Christ, I had a heart attack!"

"Ow," Harvey muttered from the floor.

"What happened?" Ivy asked.

Selina went into the whole story, changing the Batman/Catwoman bit just a little so Bruce's secret wouldn't get out.

"I'm sorry," Ivy cooed.

"And I can't find Harley otherwise I would tell her instead of bothering you," Selina sobbed.

"Is she crying?" Harvey mouthed.

Ivy nodded. "I haven't heard from Harley. She's probably just tied up with the Joker, or tied up by Joker. Speak of the devil. Joker is on my other line. I'll call you back in two minutes with Harley's location." Ivy sighed and answered the other line. "Hello Jack."

The other end was silent except for the distinct sound of Joker smoking. He always exaggerated his exhale.

"Look, I don't have time for this. Do you know where Harley is? Selina needs her," she huffed.

"I'm sorry." He hung up.

"What the hell is going on?" Ivy asked looking to Harvey.

"I don't know," he replied.

Frantic beeping filled the hotel room and both Ivy and Harvey stiffened. "I think the Tipster is about to answer our question," Ivy sighed.

Harvey snatched his phone off the nightstand and read, "Selina was put in her place publically by none other than Mr. Wayne! The king of love em and leave em finally got his heart handed to him by the feline femme fatale and shot back by shouting it out to the streets. And I'm sad to announce, the king and queen of Gotham's underground society are once again, no more. Joker blurted out to a full restaurant that he in fact did NOT love Harley. Ouch!"

Ivy quickly dialed Selina back.

"I just read it," Selina said.

"Harvey and I are catching the first plane back. Keep trying Harley and get her to the apartment," Ivy told her.

"Certainly makes my day look better."

"I'm so killing that clown when I get back to Gotham! I told you! I told you he was full of shit!"

* * *

"And I thought I had problems," Eddie sighed. "Joker is going to have his ass handed to him." He gathered up his courage and knocked on Jervis's door.

"What are you doing here?" Jervis asked suspiciously.

"Convincing you to suck it up and be a dad or I'm supposed to beat your ass."

"Well, in that case, do come in."

Eddie walked into the living room and dropped down onto the couch. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"She asked my honest opinion!"

"I know you're new to this whole woman thing so here's some advice, when they say that, LIE!"

"I didn't ask her to get pregnant!"

Eddie stared at him. "You sound like a douche."

"Well, then, I'm a douche. Just call me Douche-y McGee!"

"You need to take care of this problem."

"I thought about a surprise abortion. See, I knock her unconscious…"

Eddie jumped up and smacked Jervis in the back of the head. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm a psychotic super villain, approaching middle age. I have no real income, no real skills, and my young girlfriend is pregnant. I'm the very definition of royally fucked!"

"Really? Middle age?"

"Approaching!"

"Still…"

"Look, Alice is 100 times better off without me."

"No, see she's not because she's living with me and I'm going to kill her."

Jervis rolled his eyes.

"I'm serious. I'll smother her ass with a pillow and not think twice about it."

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Tell her you thought it over and that you're going to make do with the situation at hand."

"That's a lie though."

"Yes, yes it is."

"It feels wrong."

"Not as wrong as it will feel when I break my foot off in your ass."

* * *

"I hate you," Lex muttered in the backseat of the town car Talia had ordered.

"Don't be so dramatic," she hissed.

"No, I really do."

She rolled her eyes.

"You seem to screw me every which way."

"Sounds like a good thing to me," she laughed.

"If only it stayed in the bedroom."

"Its two hours tops and then we're back at the hotel."

"What am I supposed to say? Why yes Ra's, I am having sex with your daughter."

"You could go with we're dating."

"But we're not."

"I know that, but I would prefer my father to think us a couple than the alternative."

"Fuck buddies?"

Talia grunted in disgust and remained silent for the rest of the ride.

* * *

"I'm going to kill him," Ivy said for the millionth time that hour. She and Harvey were standing in line at the airport trying to get last minute tickets home.

"I believe you," Harvey replied.

"What the hell is wrong with him?"

"He's a lunatic."

"He puts on this grand act that he's a human being and then bam! Does this!"

"A regular jackass."

"Dumping her is one thing but lying about loving her, well, that's despicable."

"You sound like Daffy Duck."

"I'm going to kill him."

* * *

"Hey stranger," Barbara chirped as Dick walked into the apartment.

"Hey."

"What have you been up to?"

"Not much, Nightwing stuff mostly."

"I see."

"I heard you had lunch with Selina today. How's she doing?"

"She was good but who knows now."

Dick sighed. "Yeah, Bruce isn't all that subtle with stuff."

"He's about as smooth as Joker."

"Yeah. Poor Harley."

"Poor Harley? Really?"

"Oh come on, I know you hate Joker…"

"Like I shouldn't!"

Dick shook his head. "I don't want to fight."

"He put me in a wheelchair, he killed Jason Todd, and he killed Sarah! And that bitch helped him kill her."

"I didn't say she wasn't a criminal."

"You're all forgetting that Joker, Poison Ivy, Riddler, they're not people like you and me! They're murderers! They're criminals!"

"I have not forgotten that!"

"Bullshit."

"Yeah, you would know best."

"What the hell does that mean?"

Dick pulled the flash drive out of his pocket. "I don't know Barbara, you tell me." He tossed it to her. "Go ahead wiz kid, plug that into your computer."

Barbara grabbed her laptop off the coffee table and plugged the flash drive in. "Where did you get this?"

"Your computer up in the damned clock tower!"

"You hacked my computer? Why?"

"That's why! You're the freaking Tipster!"

Barbara slammed the computer shut and glared at him. "How dare you!"

"Go ahead, bring it on Babs."

"You're an idiot! I pulled this stuff off the Tipster site!"

"Oh, and how come that Ivy one wasn't up on the site yet?"

"I hacked an email account that was linked to the Tipster site. I pulled the info from one of the emails to make sure it was the actual email the Tipster used."

"I'm sure." Dick's phone beeped in his pocket and he pulled it out top read the text.

"At least there's one happy couple in Gotham! Oswald and Scarlet are having a romantic night on the town. Awe!"

Dick put the phone back in his pocket.

"What?" Barbara asked.

"That was a Tipster update."

"Wow! Now I can text with my mind," she scoffed.

"Alright, you're not the Tipster."

"Congratulations Columbo."

* * *

"Have you seen or talked to Harley today?" Selina asked. She'd been calling everyone she could think of and not one person had heard from her. Selina was ready to enlist the Tipster for help.

"Sorry, I haven't. I'm surprised she hasn't called you with all the stuff going on," Sage replied.

"That's why I'm worried. If you do hear anything, will you let me know?"

"Absolutely. I know this may sound stupid but, have you tried Joker?"

"If he knows where she is, I'll kill them both." Selina hung up the phone and glared at nothing in particular. Begrudgingly, she dialed Joker's number.

"What?" he answered.

"Nice greeting."

"I can't imagine you have anything nice to say so why should I bother?"

"Have you heard from Harley since you ripped the still beating heart from her chest, took a giant bite out of it, and then threw it on the ground where you did a Mexican hat dance around it?"

"Really? Was that really necessary?"

"Answer the question Jack-ass."

"No. I haven't."

"No one has. I'm worried."

"I have to go. I have business on the other line."

Selina rolled her eyes and tossed her phone onto the counter.

* * *

Dinner had been mostly quiet, interrupted only by a few words of polite conversation about the weather, their days, and the food. Lex did his best to avoid eye contact with anyone, especially Ra's. The waiter brought another round of drinks, and as if it was his cue, Ra's spoke. "What the hell is this?"

"A scotch on the rocks? Talia answered.

"No, this!" He pointed to the both of them.

"Father, Lex is…"

"Not even a week ago you were making headlines fighting over Bruce Wayne and now you're going to tell me you're in love with him! You hate him! How did this even happen?"

"We bumped into each other at a spa in Lawrenceville and we just hit it off. Lex and I have a lot in common and we enjoy each other."

Ra's looked at Lex for his input. Lex shrugged and said "Truth be told, we're just sleeping with each other."

"What the hell?" she yelled.

"I'm not going to lie. We're just having a fling."

Ra's looked at them both and shook his head.

"You're an ass," she hissed.

"Sticks and stones princess."

* * *

"It can't be tonight." Joker took another long drag from his cigarette, the last one in the full pack he had bought two hours ago.

"Can and is. They moved the day and the location. Congratulations, you get to go to Brooklyn," Oswald replied puffing away on his own cigarette.

"Now I really don't like this. They're obviously on to you."

"Not my problem. Get the job done and get it done quickly."

Joker roughly crushed out his cigarette butt on Penguin's desk. "Bullshit. I'm in no mood for this."

"Look, this is taking up my personal time with Scarlet. I told you the deal now either do it or pay me." Oswald got up and crossed the office to the door. "I mean it clown. Either I get my shipment by 5 a.m. or I get my money. I don't care what the situation is with the missus." He slammed the door behind him as he walked out.

Joker bashed his head down onto the desk and fought the urge to kill the bloated pompous ass. Instead, he picked up his phone and dialed a stooge. "Boys, we have a job to do. Be ready by midnight."

* * *

"This is all your fault!" Dick yelled storming into the kitchen at Wayne manor.

"Alfred, add to the Home Depot list new locks please," Bruce said not bothering to glance up from his dinner.

"You made me this way!" Dick continued.

"Crazy? No, you came to me like that."

"I'm not kidding! You made me into this paranoid mess that can't hold down a girlfriend!"

"I'm going to need a little back story," Bruce sighed setting down his fork and giving up on enjoying his steak in peace.

"I confronted Barbara about the Tipster thing."

"I told you not to."

"I know but she attacked me first and instead of being rational and talking about it I freaked out and hit her back with the Tipster accusation because I always have to be right! I'm just like you!"

"None of this sounds like a compliment."

"It's not! She's going to leave me and it's going to be all your fault!" Dick slumped down into a chair across from Bruce and laid his head on the table. "I don't know what to do."

"Screaming at me didn't pan out like you thought?"

"I feel a little better."

"Barbara is a smart girl, I'm sure she'll be willing to forgive you," Alfred offered setting a plate down in front of Dick.

"I know."

"And if she doesn't then who needs her?" Bruce added.

Dick and Alfred stared at him, astonished.

"Forget it. Alfred you be mom. I'm getting out of here."

* * *

"I still can't find her," Selina sighed.

"I'm on the plane now. We should be back in Gotham in no time," Ivy assured her. "When I get there, priority number one will be finding Harley."

"I don't know where else to look."

"For tonight, I'd stick to the Iceberg. She'll want a drink and I don't know where else she'd go."

"Alright, I'll park myself there. If she doesn't wander in, maybe someone will have an idea where she did wander."

"I know this is a stupid idea but, did you check her apartment?"

"I have the doorman on my speed dial and I've been calling every ten minutes like clockwork."

"Damn. Alright, I have to go. Keep me posted." Ivy hung up the phone and looked out the window.

Harvey slid his hand over hers and gave it a little squeeze. "She's a big girl."

"No she's not. She's got the mental capacity of a child."

"That's an act. Harley is smart, responsible, rational for a lunatic, and fully capable of being on her own. You and Selina act like she's sixteen."

Ivy sighed.

"Tomorrow she'll show up at our place and crash in the spare room and a month from now this whole ugly mess will be behind her."

"What if it crushes her? What if he's finally broken her?"

"Then, as a friend, you collect all the pieces and begin to glue them back together."

"You're too smart for me," she teased.

"And you're too good for me."

"No, I'm scum."

"Well, I was trying to be nice."

Ivy playfully pushed him away from her. "Jerk."

Harvey draped an arm around her shoulders and kissed her on the top of her head. "Want me to kill him for you?"

Ivy shook her head. "No, we'll let Harley handle him."

"If she asks?"

"Then by all means, beat the bastard to a bloody white pulp."

* * *

Lex waited in the car while Talia said her goodbyes to her father on the curb. She folded her arms over chest and tried to avoid her father's stare. "I know you don't approve," she began.

"On the contrary, I'm happier that it is nothing serious. Lex Luther is not the kind of man I had hoped you would marry."

She looked up at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"He lacks honor, valor, and he has no fight in him. He lets other's handle his business. No, he is not right for you."

Talia turned on her heel without a goodbye and climbed into the car where she promptly began making out with Lex who, was shocked yet not complaining.

As the car pulled away, Ra's had to smile. "Reverse psychology works every time."

* * *

Bruce sat at the bar of the dive he and Eddie had come to call Joe's since Joe was the only person they ever saw working there. He popped a couple of peanuts into his mouth and sipped slowly at his beer. He had no intentions to get drunk tonight.

"You're buddy ain't with you tonight?" Joe asked wiping down a glass.

"Nope, he's happy now. He got the girl and now he's playing house."

"Good for him."

"Yeah," Bruce sighed.

"I'm sensing you have woman troubles yourself."

"I just have troubles."

"I don't know your story son, but I can say that the monopoly on sad stories goes to the woman at the end of the bar. Her boyfriend of countless years told her today he didn't love her after all." Joe shook his head and lit up a cigar. "Pretty little thing too. I can't imagine breaking that girl's heart."

Bruce knew immediately who Joe was talking about but all the same he still had to look.

Harley sat at the end of the bar in her little pink spaghetti strapped dress, hair retro curled, and lips the color of rubies just like she had in the picture that was snapped of her running out of the restaurant earlier that day. The only difference now was the distinct black lines dripping down her face. Her glass was nearly empty and she swirled the measly four sips around.

"Her drinks are on me for the night," Bruce told Joe.

"Every man in the bar has been trying to buy her a drink."

"Just go tell her." Bruce watched Joe walk down to where Harley sat. She shook her head and Joe pointed at him. Her eyes followed the finger and the smallest hint of a smile hit her mouth. She got up and walked down to him.

"What are you doing in this hole?" she asked taking the open stool next to him.

"Having a drink. What about you?"

"Hoping someone shoots this place up and I get on the news as a casualty."

"I'm sorry about…" he trailed off. "You know."

"Being publically humiliated and dumped all at once?"

"Yeah."

"Me too."

"Your phone is ringing," he informed her.

"I know. It's probably Selina again. Do me a favor, don't tell her I'm here. I don't want to hear the 'I told you so's' and whatever else goes with it."

Bruce laughed. "I don't know if you heard but, Selina and I aren't exactly speaking."

"Oh, I forgot. I'm sorry about your situation too. No Selina and Talia is hitting the sheets with tall, bald, and grumpy. Boy what a jump!"

"I don't care about Talia and Lex."

"You have to care a little."

"Nope."

"I would. I was a little jealous when Eddie started up with Scarlet."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

He took another swig from his beer. "I guess it bothers me a little."

She nodded.

"Well, not that she has someone but who it is. Lex is…Lex is…"

"An ass?"

"Yeah! And a complete criminal."

Harley slapped him on the arm. "I resent that!"

"What?"

"I happen to be a criminal."

"You're different."

"How so?"

"You're not dating my ex."

"Who knows? Maybe I'm gonna scoop Selina up."

"I don't think you're her type."

"You'd be surprised."

"Yeah, I would be."

She smiled a little.

"I could honestly say, if I'm going to lose her to someone, I'd rather it be you."

"Thank you."

"Not a problem. It's better than her shacking up with someone else like Clark or Joker." The second after he said it, he wished he hadn't.

Harley's eyes started to tear up again.

Bruce handed her a napkin and smiled sadly.

"I'm sorry. You probably think I'm a nut."

"Yeah but that has nothing to do with this moment."

Harley laughed. "You're terrible."

"It's true. I'm the worst."

She wiped away the last of the tears and smiled. "You really are."

"How about another drink?

* * *

Brooklyn was not Joker's territory. He stayed away from out of town jobs unless absolutely necessary and never accepted anything where plans changed last minute. If he had been on top of his game today, he would've told Oswald where he could shove it but, Harley had him thrown off. As he sat in the car he wondered if she would come back to him like she used to or if the L-word had really changed everything like people say it does.

The night air rushed through the small space between the window and the door frame causing a chill to shoot up Joker's spine. He quickly rolled it up the rest of the way and put his cigarette out in the ashtray.

"Looks like they're on the move boss," the man in the driver's seat informed him.

"I suppose we should be too then. Move out kids," he replied faking his usual jovial tone.

Locked, loaded, and less than ready to go, the small gang of four moved out. This wasn't going to be the stellar performance a Joker job usually was. There were no theatrics in place, no gags, no jokes, nothing. Just Joker, some henchmen, and guns. Get in, get the goods, and get out.

"You two take the truck. Jeff and I will handle the group by the dock," Joker barked. "Any questions, comments, concerns, queries? No? Great. The plan was, sneak attack the larger group by the loading dock while the other two henchmen took out the two in the truck so they could simply drive off with that. What happened was a whole different story.

As Joker and Jeff tiptoed quietly up behind the group, a gun barrel was roughly shoved into the back of his head. "Drop the guns," the gruff voice commanded.

Jeff immediately dropped gun to the ground and assumed the position. Joker on the other hand was feeling a bit feisty so instead, he unloaded one round into the guy in front of him "Whoopsie!" he giggled. A second later he was on his face with a knee in his ass and his hands in the death grip of one big ass police officer.

"You're under arrest asshole."

"Splendid. Just splendid." He was on his feet again and being dragged to a black undercover car. A he peered out the window he realized that the men on the dock were also cops and this whole thing had been a setup. "That chubby little shit!" he growled kicking the seat in front of him. "That fat, fishy, fucker!"

"Look at him," one of the cops outside of the car said gesturing to the car where Joker was having a fit. "He's gonna hurt himself."

"Let him. He killed Jonson."

"Should we call Gotham PD?"

"Fuck Gordon, this was our catch and he's staying right here. Take his pasty ass down to booking."

* * *

Harley stumbled out of the bar and onto the street with Bruce close behind her and Joe bringing up the rear. "You two going to be ok?" Joe asked nervously.

"We're fine! Here's our cab now," Bruce replied. Harley leaned up against the car for support and Bruce placed a hand on either side of her to steady himself. His plan to have two drinks tops quickly went down the tube, as it usually did when Rogues got involved. "Me lady." He opened the door and helped Harley in.

"Be careful," Joe sighed.

"We will!" Harley called.

"Where to?" the driver asked.

Harley started to sniffle again.

"What's wrong?" Bruce asked.

"I can't go home. What if he's there?"

"Good point. Driver, we're going to my house."

"And where the hell is that?"

"Wayne Manor of course."

Instantly the cab driver's mood lifted. Wayne Manor was an expensive fair and he knew the tip was going to be good. "Yes sir, Mr. Wayne."

* * *

The Tipster sat at her desk going through her email lazily looking for the next hot story. So far, nothing good. She sighed. "Same boring crap. Where's the drama? Where's the intrigue? Where's the…hello." She opened an email titled "Holy Balls!" the picture inside showed Bruce and Harley leaning up against the cab. It was certainly a compromising position and it had quite the story to go with it.

She leaned back in her chair and thought about it. Posting this story could result in a lot of problems. While Joker wasn't sure of his feelings, the Tipster was sure he'd lose his shit and kill Bruce Wayne and maybe even Harley. And if he didn't kill the ditzy blonde, Selina probably would.

Another email popped up in her inbox. She clicked it open and her eyes went wide with shock. "Oh my God! This story has to go out!"

* * *

"Good evening kiddies! I know the hour is late but this story was just too good to resist! It looks like Bruce and Harley aren't going to waste time mourning their respective failed relationships. Instead, they decided to have some drinks and get over it…with each other! I must say, they make a cute couple."

Selina held her breath as she scrolled down to see the picture. A blood curdling scream filled the apartment as her eyes found Harley and Bruce, kissing, in the back of a cab.

Ivy and Harvey heard the scream down on the sidewalk and immediately bolted up the stairs to see what was going on. "What is going on?" Ivy yelled running into the apartment.

"I'm going to kill her!" Selina cried.

"Kill who? What is happening?"

Harvey tapped Ivy on the shoulder and handed her his phone. Ivy read the Tipster update and sighed. "I'm ready for another vacation."


	23. Hey Mister

Author's Note: Anyone else geared up for the Justice League porn? I'm not some weird porn freak but it has Harley Quinn in it and Ron Jeremy is the Penguin…it needs to be seen. It's just too good to pass up.

* * *

Alfred had heard Bruce thunder up the stairs, crash into the little table in the hall, and then continue on to his bedroom where he got into a wrestling match with his blankets and presumably lost. It was a ruckus he had come to expect since Bruce had gotten sucked into the Rogue life.

He decided to cut the poor man a break and bring him his breakfast instead of serving it in the kitchen. He climbed up the stairs carefully, silently opened the door, and then promptly dropped the tray full of food to the floor in shock.

Instantly Bruce and Harley jumped up in bed, bewildered and completely confused. "Alfred, what are you doing?" Bruce asked trying to hide his face from the sun.

Alfred was simply standing there, stunned.

"What time is it anyway?"

Still silent. Still shocked.

Bruce sat up and looked at him. "Are you ok?"

Alfred pointed to Harley who had snuggled back down into bed and was fast asleep again.

"Oh, her, yeah." He smiled and then the situation sank in. "Oh shit!"

"Finally, the reaction I was looking for."

"Not good." Bruce softly shook Harley awake.

She moaned and begrudgingly rolled over. "What?"

"Hi!" Bruce cried.

Harley stared at him and suddenly everything hit her. "Oh shit!"

"And we have two now," Alfred replied.

She threw the covers back and jumped out of the bed. "Did we…we couldn't have….oh my god!"

"Oh my god!" Bruce pointed at her. She was standing in his room in her underclothes.

"Oh my god!" Alfred added.

"Ok, everyone calm down," Bruce told them. "Maybe nothing happened."

"I'm half naked in your bed!"

"Yes, I can see that and if you throw something on this would all be less awkward."

Alfred made a quick trip into the bathroom and handed Harley Bruce's robe. "There you are miss."

"Thanks Al."

"We can't panic," Bruce sighed.

"Too late. I'm freaking out."

"We can't do that. We just need to be rational and Alfred, I am not sure why you are still standing there."

"I have to admit sir, I'm not quite sure what to do in this situation," Alfred replied.

"I could use a coffee."

"Anything for you miss?"

"Coffee sounds nice."

"Crème or sugar?"

"Both and lots of it."

Alfred nodded and walked out of the room. He was grateful to be out of the awkward situation.

"There has to be a way to figure this out."

"I don't remember anything." Harley started to cry. "Selina is gonna kill me."

"No she's not because we're not telling anyone anything about this."

Harley nodded. "Right."

"I remember coming home and then…nothing. Actually, I don't remember coming home."

"I'm going to freak out again."

Bruce started rummaging through his sheets.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking to see if anything is wet, sweaty, any sign of sexual activity."

"And?"

"It looks clean. I think we just fell asleep."

"What about our lack of attire?"

"I often sleep in my boxers and I imagine you weren't very comfortable in your dress."

"Right."

"And no one has to know."

"Right."

"What the hell?" Tim cried from the doorway.

"Hi Timmy!"

"Why did Alfred leave the door open?" Bruce groaned.

"You're having sex with Harley?"

"It's not how it looks!" Bruce told him.

"Tim! I need to talk to you!" Dick yelled as he bounded up the stairs and into the doorway. "Holy shenanigans!" he cried.

"Why?" Tim asked.

"Oh my god!" Harley sighed dropping down onto the bed.

"Are you crazy?" Dick asked.

"This is not how it looks," Bruce repeated.

"Then what the hell is this?" Dick handed him his phone.

Bruce's eyes nearly fell out of his head. "Oh I am so dead."

Harley grabbed the phone from him and screamed.

"How could you do this?" Tim cried.

"Selina is going to rip my eyes out!" Harley sobbed.

"Selina is going to freak!" Dick said.

"I hate you!" Tim stomped down the hallway.

"The Joker will beat your ass bloody," Dick went on.

Bruce lay back down. "If I go back to sleep none of this will have happened."

"Your coffee sir, miss." Alfred sat the tray down on the bureau. "I'll clean up the mess later."

"I'm moving out!" Tim hollered slamming his door.

"You really screwed the pooch here," Dick sighed.

"The sad thing is Dick, I really didn't and yet I'm fucked anyway."

* * *

Joker whistled a happy tune as he sat in his cell waiting to be transferred to the prison. He was surprised how quickly they had gotten him in for arraignment. Gotham PD never moved that fast. Then again, he had never really been arraigned for anything. It was always just straight to Arkham. The whole thing had been called a weapons bust. Guns. That was what Oswald had wanted so much. Joker scoffed. This whole thing was ridiculous. They had busted the real gang bringing in the weapons last week and they knew someone was out to take them. They didn't figure it was the Joker.

The police chief was patting himself on the back and popping open the bubbly with an assortment of officers. Joker sneered at them. This whole thing was humiliating and when he got out he was going to wring Penguins neck with his bare hands. Well…maybe with the assistance of a belt.

Suddenly, there was a white light illuminating the doorway, silhouetting a man. "It's an angel!" Joker thought to himself. "Oh, nope. Hell, its Gordon," he grumbled aloud.

"Nice to see you too," Gordon snapped back.

"What are you doing here?"

"I've come to take you home." Gordon stepped over to the cell where Joker had been placed. "What the hell were you doing out here anyway?"

"Stealing weapons."

"Why?"

"True Blood was a repeat last night."

"Don't get cute with me."

"Can't help it. I want you to like me."

Gordon eyed him suspiciously. "What's wrong with you?"

"Do you want me to write you a list?"

"Narrow it down to lately. You've been off the radar for awhile and now you pop up here on a half-assed weapons bust."

"What can I say? I'm unpredictable."

"Commissioner Gordon, how are you?" police Chief Roland asked stepping out of his office and reaching out to shake the commissioner's hand.

"Not bad, yourself?"

"Doing pretty damn good. Come to visit your friend here?"

"He ain't my friend."

"Ouch. That hurt Jimmy," Joker giggled half heartedly.

"I've come to drag him back to Gotham."

"Sorry, no can do. He's going to Ikers."

"Look, Dan, Ikers can't hold him."

"Neither can your asylum." A few of the officers standing behind the police chief snickered.

"I was hoping you'd do this the easy way. I don't want to have to get court orders and all that crap."

"Sorry Jim, we caught we keep him."

"You put him with general pop and you're going to have a bloodbath."

"I'm not too worried about it. You get your transfer order and I'll happily give him back. For now, he goes to Ikers."

Gordon rolled his eyes. "Fine."

"Sir, there's a call for you on line 3," one of the cops told Roland.

"I'll take it in my office. See you later Jim." Roland went back to his office and closed the door behind him.

Gordon looked at Joker and shook his head. "You are my biggest pain in the ass."

"What did I do?"

"Don't start with me. When I get you back to Gotham you better keep your ass there. I don't want to have to pull this crap again."

"Yes daddy."

Gordon eyed him again. "You are not as giddy as I thought you would be."

"I just got busted by a piss ant task force for stealing a mass amount of weapons. No Bat, no fight, just busted. I'm not too happy."

Gordon smiled.

"Shut up."

* * *

Eddie, Jervis, Oswald, Harvey, and Johnny all sat around a small table at the Iceberg. Oswald had called them all that morning to discuss the situation at hand. "We've never had to deal with anything like this," Oswald quacked. "This could bring down the whole of the underworld."

"I agree. We need to nip this in the butt," Jervis added.

"No, we need to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible before it gets beyond us," Eddie argued.

"It was one kiss and they were probably drunk I don't think this is going to be as big of a deal as you're making it out to be," Holly said bringing everyone water.

"I can't believe Johnny dragged me out of bed for this," Sage whined from the table over where she and Alice were sitting, barely awake. Ivy was parked at another table with a gardening magazine.

"No, this is going to be huge," Harvey told her. "Selina is already freaking out and once she sees Harley she'll be on the attack."

"What about Joker? Do we know his feelings on the matter?" Johnny asked.

"He's MIA," Oswald answered.

"Nope, he's in jail. In Brooklyn," Holly informed them turning up the volume on the TV.

"That explains a lot," Oswald sighed.

"At least we won't have to deal with him at the moment," Eddie said.

"Where is Harley now?" Jervis asked.

"No idea," Harvey replied.

"And Selina?"

"Unconscious," Ivy answered.

"I'm surprised she could sleep at a time like this," Alice mumbled.

"She couldn't. I drugged her," Ivy said plainly.

"What was Harley thinking?" Eddie asked.

"She was just publically humiliated. She was thinking, alcohol."

"We need to keep them separated for now," Oswald informed them.

Ivy's phone started to ring. "Finally! Hello Harley."

"Red! Help!" Harley screamed. "She's going to kill me!" There was a loud crashing noise and frantic panting and screaming followed by a "Get back here!" which came, presumably, from Selina.

Ivy hung up the phone. "Harley's back at the apartment and Selina is awake. Plan B?"

* * *

Harvey and Ivy booked it home as fast as they could. The apartment looked like a tornado had ripped through it. Chairs were everywhere, the couch was flipped over, and someone had apparently used the kitchen table as a shield. Papers littered the floor along with glass and splinters of wood. "I'm not cleaning this mess up," Ivy warned.

"We'll call someone," Harvey told her. A loud thud emanated from their room and they took off down the hallway to check it out.

Selina was on her knees on the floor with both arms under their bed flinging things out into the room. "I know you're under here somewhere," she muttered tossing a large book on South American plants behind her.

Harvey dodged the book but wasn't prepared for the shoe that followed. "Damn it!"

Ivy picked Selina up off the floor and shoved her onto the bed. "What in the hell are you doing?"

"Looking for that blonde bimbo!"

"In my room? No one should be in my room. I feel like a mother," Ivy sighed. "Harley, if you are in here come out now."

Silence, and no Harley.

"See, not here."

Selina looked around, bewildered. "I'm sure she came down the hallway and I thought…"

Harley tiptoed down the hallway trying to get to the door before she was murdered.

"There she is!" Selina sprung up from the bed and chased after her. Harley ran faster but Selina caught her by the hair at the door.

"Let go cow!" she screamed trying to free herself.

"Cow? Look who's talking!"

Harley kicked her in the knee and Selina let go. The second she was free, Harley ran across the room for the kitchen. She went for a knife. "Stay back or so help me!"

Selina opened the coat closet and pulled out her whip. "Oh yeah? Are you going to stab me?"

"At this point, yeah. I will."

"Girls, stop this. Let's just sit down and talk," Ivy said calmly.

"No," Selina hissed. She cracked the whip knocking the knife out of Harley's hand. Another swift move and it was around her neck.

"Selina!" Ivy yelled.

Harley choked and struggled against the black leather but it was no use. She started to get dizzy and she knew she was going to pass out. She saw something out of the corner of her eye and reached for it.

Ivy's eyes followed Harley's hand. "Don't you…"

Too late. Harley had the vase in her hand and a second later it was sailing through the air, colliding with Selina's skull, and smashing into a hundred little pieces. The plant inside hit the floor.

Selina dropped to the floor and let go of the whip while Harley loosened it from around her neck.

Ivy's eyes went wide with horror and Harvey wondered if he had enough time to get to the door or if he should just go through the window and hope for the best when he hit the cement below.

"My baby!" Ivy screamed. "You stupid disgusting meat sacks!"

Harvey realized the situation was going to turn much worse. Ivy hadn't called someone, let alone Harley or Selina, a meat sack in awhile.

Ivy scooped the poor little fern up in her arms and ran for another vase. She quickly got the dirt off the floor and into its new holder.

Harley gagged and coughed on the floor as Selina was rubbing her head. Their eyes met from across the room and they both started to get up. Selina ready to attack again and Harley ready to defend. Ivy wasn't having any of it. She grabbed Harley by the hair with one hand and Selina with the other. She flipped the couch over with her foot and threw them both down onto it where they bumped heads.

"I have had enough!" Ivy hollered. "If that plant dies, I will kill you both."

Looking ever bit of a scolded child, the girls sank down into the couch.

"This is ridiculous! We are supposed to be friends. Friends don't choke each other with whips and friends don't throw one friend's baby at another friend, plant or not," Ivy scolded.

"Sorry," Harley mumbled.

"Thank you. But, I'm not done. I can't believe you two have let some man come between you. Selina, you dumped Bruce. He's single therefore fair game. Should Harley be fooling around with him? No. Does she have the right to? Yes."

Selina huffed.

"I'm not fooling around with him though. Honest!" Harley squealed. "I got drunk is all and then I must've lost my mind for a second and kissed him but I swear that's all that happened and it's never happening again."

Selina looked straight ahead at the wall.

"I'm really sorry Kitty. Super sorry. So sorry I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I came over first thing this morning to tell you how sorry I was and," she reached down to her purse which was lying on the floor in front of her. She pulled out a teddy bear. It was old, missing an eye, and smelled like cupcakes. "actually, I lied. I stopped at Mist…Joker's place and picked this up. This is Lil Jack Hopkins. I've had this bear since I was a baby. It's my favorite thing in the whole world."

"She even sneaks that ratty old thing into Arkham," Ivy sighed.

"Anyway, I'm giving him to you because I'm really, really, really sorry and I wanted to give you something special to tell you how sorry I was."

Selina cautiously took the bear. Anything that spent any amount of time in the Joker's house could be rigged to explode. She looked it over and felt bad. "Why is his name Jack Hopkins?"

"Lil Jack Hopkins," Harley corrected. "He didn't have a name for a long time and then finally I decided to name him after the two greatest people ever. Jack Nicholson and Anthony Hopkins!"

Selina smiled a little.

"Oh Kitty, please forgive me!"

"I can't."

Harley's eyes started to tear up.

"Ivy's right, you really didn't do anything wrong and it's not like you set out to find him."

"Friends?" Ivy asked.

"Friends," Selina replied.

"Best friends!" Harley cried jumping on top of Selina.

"Freaking adorable," Ivy grumbled. She smacked both of them in the head. "Get up and clean this place."

* * *

After Harvey and Ivy dashed out the door, the meeting had disbursed. Holly was busy setting up the place for lunch while everyone else meandered about and chit chatted. Well, except Alice who parked her butt at the bar to chat with her sister. She dipped her finger in her water, sighed, and started drawing little patterns on the bar.

"Really? On my clean bar?" Holly asked.

"Sorry, I'm bored."

"Go home."

"I'm waiting for Eddie."

Holly rolled her eyes. "I meant your home."

"Your place is my home!"

"No, it's my home. Your home is with Jervis. Go talk to him."

Alice snorted in disgust.

"Can you just grow up for five minutes?" Holly begged.

"Why should I go crawling over to him? He owes me the apology."

"No argument there but, he's probably afraid to talk to you."

"He should be."

"Look, it doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong. All that matters is you love him, he loves you, and you get out of my house before you eat everything."

Alice rolled her eyes.

Meanwhile, across the room…

"You need to talk to her now," Eddie commanded. "This morning she was wearing my boxers. My boxers man!" He shook Jervis. "Do you understand how nasty that is? She wasn't wearing any underwear underneath! I had to throw them away. They were my green ones with the little purple question marks."

"She doesn't want…" Jervis began.

"They were silk! Silk!"

"I am not comfortable talking about your underwear."

"I'm not comfortable hearing about it either," Johnny groaned.

"Unless you talk to her and get her to go home then we will be discussing my underwear quite often," Eddie warned.

"What's going on?" Sage asked as she stepped over to the group.

"Alice pilfered Edward's undies," Jonny explained.

"Ew."

"Did you just call them undies? That makes me sound like I'm nine. They were boxers," Eddie argued.

"Undies, boxers, whatever," Johnny replied.

"No not whatever. Undies are like tightie whities."

"Undies are whatever you wear under your pants."

"I have to agree with Eddie. Undies sound like tightie whities," Jervis added.

"Johnny doesn't wear underwear," Sage announced.

Jervis and Eddie looked at Johnny.

"What? I find them constricting."

"I like the easy access," Sage said.

"You need to talk to Alice," Eddie said giving full attention to Jervis to shake the images he had swirling around in his mind.

* * *

Joker poked his food with a spork. Never again would he complain about Arkham food. He wasn't even sure what was sitting on his plate or how to kill it if it should move. He was grateful at least to be out of his cell. In Arkham his days were spent in the common room with all the other nuts but in prison he was locked up for most of the day.

"Hiya pal," a man greeted dropping his tray down next to Joker. "I never thought I'd see you in here."

"I'm sorry, have we met?" Joker asked.

"No but I know you. Everyone knows you."

Joker nodded.

"Name's Nick." He offered his hand but Joker ignored it. "So how do you like Ikers so far?"

"Wonderful," he replied sarcastically.

"Yeah it's not the fanciest place. Not like Arkham. I hear that joint is real swanky."

Joker wondered why he had the joy of sitting next to chatty Kathy and considered sticking his spork into Nick's neck. Eventually he decided it against it. The thing barely penetrated the slab of…of…whatever the hell was slapped onto his tray. He doubted it would make it through skin.

"Anything good happening on the outside?"

"Nope."

"I saw an interesting story today. Hold on a second. Hey, Tommy!" Nick called over to one of the guards.

Tommy walked over to the table. "Hey Nick, making friends with the new guy?"

"Joker, I can call you Joker right?"

"Please, call me King Derbywerbish," he snorted.

"Right, Joker this is Tommy. He's one of the few nice guys around here. Tommy, you still have that picture you showed me earlier?"

Tommy pulled his phone out. "Sure do Nick."

"I think Joker will really get into this. Look." Nick handed Joker the phone.

"Good evening kiddies," joker read aloud. He realized instantly it was a tipster update. "I know the hour is late…" he continued silently. When his eyes found the picture of Harley and Bruce he nearly had a heart attack. Anger wasn't the first thing that hit him though, and he was surprised that it was sadness. She was kissing someone else. That afternoon he had broken her heart and that night she had moved on. Oh, wait…here it is, anger. She was kissing his friend. He shoved the phone back at Nick.

"Crazy huh? Tommy keeps me up to date with all the Tipster gossip."

Joker didn't say anything. He was busy imaging clever new ways to use Joker Venom on Bruce.

"I figured she'd eventually wise up and do better. Harleen was always a smart girl," Nick went on.

For the first time Joker really looked at Nick. The nose, shape of the eyes, the "Hiya". "You're shitting me."

"Afraid not my friend."

"I'm not your friend."

"No, you're right. You're not. You're piece of shit that ruined my daughter's life and then ripped her heart out."

Joker realized his prison stay wasn't going to be fun at all. He longed for Arkham's easily escapable walls. "Look, Nick…"

Nick punched him in the face.

"Ow! Nick…"

Another fist to the face.

"Fuck this." Joker slugged him back.

"Break it up you two!" one of the guards shouted as two more pulled them apart. "You're ass is going to solitary." He pointed at the Joker.

"He started it!" Joker protested. "You know what? Forget it. I'll take solitary."

* * *

Selina, Ivy, and Harley all sat at the kitchen table sipping coffees and eating cookies. Harvey decided to get out of dodge before something else set them off. Harley sighed and bit into a cookie. "I don't know what I'm going to do now."

"Do about what?" Ivy asked.

"Living arrangements, my stuff, my life."

"You can move back here," Selina offered.

"Thanks."

Selina rubbed Harley's back and smiled a little. "We can send Harvey and Bruce to pick up your things again. They just loved going through your things."

"That won't be necessary. Joker's in jail in Brooklyn. Harley can just stay at her place," Ivy told them.

"Oh I can't. I can't be somewhere where we were so happy." She started to cry again.

"Then you're more than welcome here."

"We'll help you get your stuff," Selina offered.

"Thanks. You guys are the best."

"I think we need to Irish up the coffee," Ivy said pulling a bottle of Baileys out of the cupboard.

"Cheers to that," Selina agreed.

"Not that I care," Harley said as she poured Baileys into her cup, "but why is Joker in jail in Brooklyn?"

"Weapons bust which doesn't make any sense," Ivy explained.

"The guy never makes any sense," Selina snapped.

"Truer words have never been spoken," Ivy replied clinking glasses with Selina.

"Did they say if they were keeping him in Brooklyn?" Harley asked.

"Yup, in Ikers prison."

Harley bit her lip.

"Oh don't tell me you feel bad for him," Selina said.

"No, I don't. Honest."

"Then what is it?"

"You know what? Nothing."

* * *

Talia lounged lazily on the sofa in the suite she and Lex were sharing. She turned the page of her W magazine while keeping one eye on the bedroom door. It was nearly noon and Lex was still fast asleep. She sighed and tossed the magazine onto the table in front of her. What was she doing? She was in Gotham. She could do pretty much anything she wanted and here she was, locked in a hotel room, waiting for some man to get his ass up. Well, not anymore. Talia marched over to the bedroom and sidled up next to the bed. She had to marvel at him for a second. He was devastatingly sexy when he was asleep. Not as sexy as Bruce of course. She shoved him and barked "Wake up."

"What?" Lex growled back.

"It's noon."

"Thank you Big Ben." He rolled over to get away from her.

"I want lunch."

"Order room service then."

"I also want to get out of this room."

"Then go out to lunch. There's twenty restaurants on this street alone."

"I'm not going to lunch by myself!"

"Call a friend."

"Like who?"

Lex rolled back over and gave her a look with one eye. "You don't have any friends in Gotham?"

"No."

"Now is the perfect opportunity to make one." He rolled back over.

"Get up!"

"No! I'm on vacation."

She shoved him with her foot.

"Talia," he warned.

She shoved him again.

"That's it." He turned back over, grabbed her by the arm, pulled her into the bed, flipped her to his other side, and held her tightly in his arms by her waste. "Take a nap."

Talia struggled against him to free herself but it was no use. "Jerk!" she cried slapping his arm.

"You can call me every name in the book later, just go to sleep now."

"I'm not going to. I'm going to lay here and talk until you get up and take me to lun…oomph!"

Lex forced her face into his chest and she was immediately silenced. "Ah, silence."

* * *

"I'm so tired of cold weather!" Alice whined as she stepped into the kitchen. "All my winter clothes are so itchy and my skin is dry so it's like a million times worse. It needs to be summer like yesterday."

Eddie closed the refrigerator door to say something to her but he was struck mute when he realized Alice was standing in his kitchen in a bra, panties, and a pair of socks.

"Are you done in there? I'm like hella super hungry."

"Um…" he tried.

"So like you are?"

"I need to go…out…somewhere." He ran like mad for the door and tried to shake off the embarrassment as he went.

* * *

Dick and Bruce shot pool in silence in the game room. Neither one of them wanted to be the first to bring up what they mentally referring to as "The Incident".

"Lemonade?" Alfred offered setting the tray down onto the bar.

"Thank you," they both said as they each reached for a glass.

"Have you heard from Miss Gordon?" Alfred asked.

"Oh, no. When I came home last night she had a note sitting on the table that said she was staying at her dad's for a couple of days," Dick explained.

"You should call her," Bruce advised.

"You know, I thought that too and when I did she told me to go to hell."

"She'll cool down."

"Or she'll just try to kill me on patrol tonight. Whatever."

"I'm sure Miss Gordon won't try to kill you sir."

"No, I'm pretty sure she might."

"Alfred, can you drive me over to Steve's house?" Tim asked from the doorway.

"I can take you," Bruce offered.

Tim ignored him.

"Sorry Master Tim, I'm absolutely swamped today. Perhaps Master Bruce is free."

"I can take you."

"Dick, are you going into the city anytime soon?"

"Um…"Dick looked at Bruce.

"I'll take you to Steve's," Bruce tried again.

"Dick?" Tim asked.

"You know what dude? I'm going to hang around here for a bit."

"I'll take you to Steve's. Hell I'll take you to a strip club!" Bruce cried.

"I'll just hang out at home then."

"Or you can let me take you."

Tim walked out of the room and back upstairs.

"I'm not invisible right? You both can see me?" Bruce asked.

"He's just mad. I used to do the same thing."

Bruce and Alfred exchanged a look.

"What?" Dick demanded.

"If by the same thing you mean you used to run off, break things, and steal my cars then yeah, you did."

"I never stole your…ok that one time."

"And you yelled, slammed doors, used unnecessary force," Bruce went on.

"I'm done with you."

"No you're not."

"You're right, I'm not. So what the hell happened last night?"

Bruce missed his shot and sent the cue ball flying through the air and into the wall. "What do you mean?" he asked nervously.

"Yeah, ok, that just happened. I mean with Harley." He picked the ball up off the floor and set up his next shot.

"Nothing happened."

"You woke up with her and since there are pictures of you two earlier in the evening I'm guessing she didn't break into Wayne manor and crawl into your bed ala Goldilocks."

"I repeat, nothing happened."

"Oh come on, you can tell me."

"I have nothing to tell."

"You shouldn't be ashamed. She's hot. I wouldn't date her but for a fling I mean…"

"I'm not flinging with Harley Quinn!"

"Don't get so defensive!"

Bruce sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm not trying to be defensive I'm just telling you, nothing happened. I saw her at the bar, we talked, she got drunk, she didn't want to run into Joker at her place so I brought her here where we went right to sleep."

"I thought you didn't remember."

"I didn't but it's slowly coming back to me."

"Why'd you kiss her?"

He had to think about that one. "I honestly don't know."

Dick gave him a sly smile.

"What? It's not like she hasn't kissed me before."

"She's kissed Batman before not Bruce Wayne and those were little pecks this looks like a full tongue situation." Dick held his phone up in Bruce's face and he swatted it to the floor.

"Look, I was drunk. It happened. It's not happening again. Being in love with one criminal is enough, I don't need to add anymore to the list."

"Who said anything about being in love with her?"

Bruce glared at him. "You know what I mean."

"I was just saying it was fling and you're all talking about being in love with her."

"Why is this happening?" Bruce sighed. "I am not in love with Harley, I'm not flinging with Harley, I'm not even having coffee with Harley. This all needs to stop. We need to get back on track. I'm done with Selina so this mingling with the Rogues ends now. No more drinks with Eddie, no more partying with Joker, nothing. No contact outside of costume. We should really suit up and just bust them all tonight."

Dick shook his head.

"I let it go too far and I dragged you and Tim into it."

"First of all, I'm a big boy. Secondly, it's not like we're knocking over banks and stuffing smile-x into the mayor."

"Yet."

"Face it. You and Selina are on the outs now but in no time you'll be back at it and like it or not, these people are a big part of her life."

Bruce grimaced. "I hate you."

"I know big guy but you're going to get over it."

* * *

"Get your girlfriend out of my house!" Eddie yelled breathlessly as he pushed passed Jervis and stepped into his apartment.

"She's not my girlfriend anymore."

"You're baby's momma then!"

"Look…"

"No! You look! She wears my boxers, eats my food, and now she's parading around in her underwear!"

"I'm sorry."

"Good, now say it to her!"

"I can't," Jervis whined.

"Oh, you can." Eddie grabbed him by the neck and dragged him out the door.

"What are you doing?"

"Ending my suffering!"

* * *

Lex stepped out of the bathroom with a towel around his waste. He smiled up at Talia who was pouting on the bed. "You should take a nice hot shower. It'll release your tension."

She growled at him.

"Actually, scratch that. How about later we climb into the hot tub. We paid for a Jacuzzi suite and we haven't even used the Jacuzzi."

Talia still didn't say anything.

"Honey, you can give me the silent treatment all night because I don't care. I'm rather happy with it actually."

"Ugh!"

"Still not bothered. What do you want for dinner?"

"How about French?" she asked getting rather excited.

"Sounds good. Think Fleur De Lis delivers?"

Talia gave an exasperated sigh. "Let's just go to dinner!"

"I don't want to. I like it here."

She got up, grabbed a dress out of her suitcase, and put it on. "Fine. Sit there. I'm done with this. I'm going to Fleur De Lis for dinner. If you want to join me, fine. If not then I guess I'll see you around."

"Alright." Lex turned on the TV and kicked back. "See you around then."

Talia stormed out.

* * *

"Hey, Eds, we're out of cream cheese. Can you run down to the…what the hell is he doing here?" Alice pointed a knife at Jervis.

"I brought him here. You two need to sit down and talk this out," Eddie explained.

"I have nothing to say."

"Oh, you better because either you two solve this little problem or I throw your ass out on the street. Either way I get my apartment back."

"What would Holly say?"

"Change the locks so she can't get back in." Eddie shoved Jervis down into a chair at the table. "Talk."

Alice took the chair opposite him and pouted.

"Hi," Jervis said timidly.

"I don't need you. I can raise this baby all by myself," she snapped.

"Ok." Jervis looked at Eddie and shrugged.

"I see I need to help get things going." He whipped out a gun and held it to Jervis's head. "Tell her you're sorry!"

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry Alice! I was being a total dick!"

"I'm not going to believe him if he has a gun to his head."

"Do you mean it?" Eddie asked.

"I do! I've been missing you a lot and I've been trying to figure out something to say."

"Do you want a baby?"

"Honestly, no. But no man wants a baby when it happens. He grows to love it and if you want this baby and it makes you happy then I'll be happy too."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! I love you."

Eddie slid the gun back into his jacket. "Don't make me do this shit again."

"Ok," Alice and Jervis muttered.

* * *

"The warden's cutting you some slack since it's our first day. You're out of solitary," the guard said as he ushered Joker out of his cell.

"Goody," he mumbled.

"Just in time for dinner. Now don't start anything!"

"You're the boss applesauce." The guard shoved him into the cafeteria and after he got another tray full of what can only be called blob entrails, he took the only open seat and what do ya know? It was next to Nick. "I hate this place."

"Look who it is, King Derbywerbish!" Nick laughed.

"Hello Nick."

"You can call me Mr. Quinzel."

Joker gritted his teeth. How long did it take Gordon to get a transfer order?

"You're nose isn't looking so good. It's almost as purple as your suit."

"Yeah well your eye doesn't look too pretty either."

Nick frowned.

"It's ok though, some people just can't take a hit. Harley can though."

"Watch it clown."

"She begs for it you know. She just aches for me to slap her silly."

"Shut up."

"Especially in bed. I get my hands around her throat and she's moaning like crazy."

"I said enough."

"And while she's getting off she always cries 'Oh daddy!'."

"That is it!" Nick was on him before he could even blink and Joker just laughed as Nick's hands wrapped around his neck. "I'm going to kill you!"

"Harley likes being on top too!" he choked out.

* * *

Lex flipped the TV off. There was nothing good on and he was bored without Talia. She'd been gone for nearly two hours. Did it really take two hours to eat by yourself? He wandered over to the window. Maybe she wasn't coming back. No, she had to. She left all her stuff here and while Lex was no clothing expert, he ventured a guess that the clothes she left behind were worth more than his car. He decided he had been lounging in his towel long enough and it was time for pants. He grabbed a pair of suit pants out of the closet and before he knew it, he was fully dressed with the matching shirt and jacket. Maybe he would pop into Fleur De Lis for a second and see what she was up to.

The restaurant was only a couple blocks over so he didn't bother with a cab. The maitre d stopped him at the door. "Good evening sir, do you have a reservation?"

"Um, no. My friend came in for dinner and I'm just here to see if she's still here," Lex explained.

"I see," he eyed him suspiciously.

"I actually see her at the bar. Excuse me." Lex pushed passed the scrawny man and headed over to the bar. As he got closer he realized she was sitting with another man. He was instantly irritated. "Hi," he said cheerfully giving her a squeeze.

"Lex?" she asked not quite sure he was really there.

"I was lonely so I decided to join you." He looked the other man dead in the eye and nuzzled her neck.

Talia pushed him away slightly. "I was just having a drink."

"I see that. Who's your friend?"

"Tomas. He's here on business from Spain."

"Pleasure to meet you sir," Tomas greeted with a heavy Spanish accent.

"Thanks for keeping my girl company."

"Your girl?" she asked.

"Yeah. You're my girl. How about we get out of here and catch a show huh?"

Talia pushed him completely off her now. "A show? You didn't even want to have dinner with me."

"I was tired. I'm all rested up now."

"Uh huh."

"It's true. Come on, let's go out."

"Why the sudden interest?"

"Talia," he groaned.

"I should go," Tomas interjected getting up.

"Good night," Lex replied gruffly.

"No, stay," Talia told him. "Look, you made it perfectly clear, we're just having sex. That's fine. Now, if you'll excuse me, Tomas and I are going to go have drinks at the Iceberg." Talia grabbed her clutch and left some money on the bar. "Ready?"

Tomas looked at Lex nervously and nodded.

Lex grabbed her by the arm. "Don't do this."

She smiled and wrenched her arm away from him. "Goodbye Lex."

He watched them walk out the door and felt his heart drop down to his toes. It was not going to end this way. He followed them out and spotted her getting into a cab. It started to pull away and Lex jumped in front of it. "What the hell are you doing man?" The driver yelled.

"Sorry. I need to speak to the woman you have."

Talia got out of the cab, visibly angry. "Are you on drugs?"

"Don't go with him," Lex pleaded.

People were gathering around the scene and Talia could already see the Tipster headlines. "Why shouldn't I?"

"Because."

"Not good enough." She started to get back into the car.

"Wait!" he pulled her back out.

"Come on buddy!" the driver whined.

"One more minute," Lex assured him. "Because I like you ok? I like you and I don't want you having drinks with strange men. Or any man for that matter."

"You suddenly like me?"

"No, I've liked you since the first night we spent together."

"Really?" she asked not believing him.

"I'm telling you, I like you."

"I think you just don't like other boys playing with your toys."

Lex sighed. "I told you I like you and that is the truth. If you want this to be more than a fling then this is your chance."

"Who said I wanted this to be more than a fling?"

"No one did. But I would like it to be."

She smiled. "Tomas, tell my father I greatly appreciate him loaning you to me for the night. I'm going with Lex."

Lex's jaw hit the sidewalk.

"Ready love?"

"You tricked me."

"Yes. I did."

He laughed. "You're clever. I like it."

"I have all kinds of tricks up my sleeve."


	24. Artificial Sweetener

Author's Note: It needs to be fall like now so I can have Arkham City. Seriously, that game is going to be so awesome my head is going to explode! I'm a hardcore nerd. Can't you tell?

* * *

Joker had been in Ikers for nearly a week now and Gordon was running out of judges to go before to ask for a transfer order. So far they had all agreed, they were happier with Joker out of town. He was someone else's problem now.

Jim saddled himself up for the hike out to Ikers to see how the prison was handling a certified whack-a-do. He stood on the roof of police headquarters and fired up the batsignal.

"Haven't seen this in the sky in awhile," Batman said dropping down next to Jim.

"It's been quiet," he agreed. "Going out to Ikers to see your buddy. Curious if you wanted to tag along."

Batman held back the small smile he almost let escape onto his lips. The visual of Batman and Gordon on a road trip was just too funny.

"I know you're not really a day person but…"

"I'll go. I'm curious as to how he's doing out there anyway," Batman finally replied.

Gordon could hear the laugh the dark knight was holding back. He smiled himself. "I'll put you in charge of bathroom breaks."

"Only if you bring snacks."

"It's weird when you joke about it."

* * *

Even though Joker was locked up in Brooklyn, Harley moved back in with Ivy, Selina, and Harvey. She decided that the apartment held too many memories for her to live there.

Selina and Harley lay on her bed surrounded by more stuffed animals than any person should have. Boxes were spread out everywhere and Harley's clothes littered the floor. "This is insane," Selina sighed.

"Three days and it doesn't look like we've gotten anywhere!" Harley cried.

"Did you have this much shit when you lived here?"

"No…I think I got more after I moved out."

Selina sat up and took a look around. "I hate to say this girl but, you need to downsize. Maybe we can donate some of these toys to the firefighters for kids or something."

Harley stared at Selina, dumbfounded.

"You're not a kid, you don't need this many."

Her lower lip started to tremble.

"There has to be some here that you don't like."

Tears were forming in her eyes.

"How about this one?" Selina asked holding up a giant unicorn.

Harley gasped and wrenched it away from her. "This is the unicorn from Despicable Me! It was so fluffy Agnes was going to die!"

"Alright, what about this one?" She pulled a teddy bear dressed as Darth Vader out from under a pillow.

"That's Bear Vader!"

"Damn it Harley! You are a grown woman!"

"Doesn't mean I have to be all old and bitter."

"You need to get rid of some of this crap or you're going to be smothered by it in the middle of the night."

Harley hugged the bear and unicorn to her tighter. "Ok…not Bear Vader or my unicorn though!"

"Fine. Let's sort through the rest of them then."

After an hour they had two full bags of stuffed animals to get rid of and only one more large pile to sort through. Selina had allowed Harley to keep four so far. "Alright, how about this crocodile?" she asked.

"Pitch it," Harley replied.

"We have another bunny."

"Throw it away."

"Batman doll? What the hell?"

"Oh! It was in a claw machine."

Selina stared at her.

"Get rid of it."

"And yet another bunny. What are you? The fucking bunny queen?"

"I like bunnies. You can toss that one too."

"A girl in a blue dress?"

"No! It's Dorothy from Wizard of Oz and it's not a stuffed animal it's a puppet!" she cried excitedly putting it on her hand. "Arnold Wesker gave this to me when I had to spend my birthday at Arkham. I don't know how he got it. He did this whole little Wizard of Oz puppet show and I got to be Dorothy."

"I'll let you keep that one too since its special."

"Thank you!"

"A stuffed penguin."

"Toss it."

"Monkey."

"Toss it."

"Mickey Mouse."

"Toss it."

"Awe! A tiger!" Selina rubbed her face against the stuffed tiger and smiled.

"You can have that one."

"Thank you." Selina threw it out the door and into her room. The pile continued to dwindle until they reached the final three. "I have a walrus."

"Don't want it."

"Some sort of bug."

"It's the lightening bug from the Tinker Bell movie."

"And?"

"Don't want it."

"And finally the very last stuffed animal in the pile, a hyena."

Harley took the hyena doll from Selina and lightly petted its head.

Selina rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Mistah J gave this to me when our original Bud died. He got into something in the lab and there was nothing the vet could do. I was so depressed. I couldn't even think about replacing him and hyenas aren't exactly sold at every pet store. So, Mistah J went around to every toy store until he found this." She squeezed it to her chest. "I slept with this toy every night for almost six months."

"You can keep that one too if you'd like."

Harley looked at it. After a second her sad face transformed into one of pure rage and she ripped the poor little hyena doll in half.

"Or you can Hulk out like a nut job."

"I don't want anything from him anymore. I want all his crap gone. Every toy, piece of jewelry, clothes, all of it!" She started to rip open boxes and sort through things.

Selina picked the pieces of the hyena doll up off the floor and held them in her arms. She looked behind her where Harley was furiously throwing around clothes. "I think maybe we should take a break."

"No. Not until I have every last trace of him out of this apartment."

Selina's eyes drifted up to the tattoo on Harley's neck. "What about your tat?"

Harley stopped mid throw and rubbed the back of her neck. "I'll just get it removed later."

"That's going to hurt like a bitch."

"Joker threw me off a building. I think I'll be fine."

Selina got up off the floor. "Well, I'm taking a break. Want a grilled cheese sandwich?"

"Nope. I'll eat when I'm done."

She nodded and walked out of the room, still carrying the broken hyena toy.

* * *

"It's awkward, isn't it?" Jervis asked setting down his coffee and giving Alice his full attention.

"What is?"

"This…us."

"It's a little awkward."

"I don't understand why. I'm just as madly in love with you as the day we met but for some reason I no longer know what to say."

"I think it's because we both know how you feel about our current situation and the only reason you're here right now is because Eddie put a gun to your head."

"It's not the only reason. I want to be with you, that hasn't changed."

"It's not just me anymore though."

Jervis didn't say anything.

"Your silence isn't comforting," Alice mumbled.

"I'm contemplating."

"Contemplating what?"

"How stupid I am."

Alice smiled. "And just how stupid are you?"

"Apparently very. I almost let you get away."

She laughed.

"I know it's not just you anymore. And I also know that you didn't get pregnant all by yourself…did you?"

"No."

"Didn't think so. I'm going to take care of you and my baby. We're going to be a strange family but a family none the less."

"We'll look kick ass on Halloween though."

"True story."

* * *

"Where's Bruce?" Dick asked taking a seat in the reclining chair in the game room.

"I don't care," Tim grumbled throwing darts at the dart board.

"Really? You're really mad about the whole Harley thing?"

"No."

Dick rolled his eyes. "Whatever fruit cake. I was asking Alfred anyway."

"Why would I be upset about Master Bruce and Miss Quinn?" Alfred questioned.

"I meant I was asking you where Bruce was. If you're upset about the Bruce/Harley thing then that's something you need to see a professional about."

"Master Bruce in accompanying Commissioner Gordon to Ikers prison to check in on the Joker."

"And I wasn't invited on this road trip? How rude."

Alfred shook his head. "I'm sure you're not missing much sir."

* * *

But Alfred was wrong. On the road…

Batman shifted uncomfortably in the passenger's seat. A Prius was not a car for Batman. He contemplated a more day-friendly outfit for these kinds of occasions while Gordon grumbled about the distance between rest stops. As Batman had imagined, the whole scene was ridiculous.

"I feel like we should be close but none of this looks familiar," Gordon sighed looking at the empty corn field next to him.

"What do the directions say?"

"Oh, I didn't bring them. I know where I'm going."

Batman slowly pulled the communicator out of his belt. He had a feeling he was going to be calling Barbara very soon.

"I've been out to this prison plenty of times. I know where I'm going."

Batman nodded.

"Don't look at me like that."

"I'm looking out the windshield."

"I can feel the look."

"I swear I am not giving you a look."

Gordon eyed him.

"Don't look at me like that," Batman grumbled.

"I'm not giving you a look."

And this went on back and forth for another forty five minutes.

"Alright, now I AM giving you a look. We have been on the road for almost three hours and I'm pretty sure we passed Brooklyn 2 hours ago. We need to stop for directions."

"Ikers is outside of Brooklyn. I know where I'm going."

"Outside of Brooklyn where? Maine?"

"Stick a granola bar in it and shut up."

"Don't you have GPS? This is a Prius, there has to be a GPS."

"I took it out. I don't like those things."

"Of course you don't."

"Just relax."

"I can't. I'm a 6'2" man clad in leather stuck in a Prius. I can't feel my legs, my ass went to sleep hours ago, and I'm soaking ass wet from sweat under this suit."

"I didn't pick your outfit."

"Pull over."

"Just give me…"

"Pull over at that gas station or I'm taking the wheel and doing it myself."

Gordon complied…begrudgingly. They sat in the car, neither of them moving. "Well?" Gordon asked.

"Well what?"

"Aren't you going to ask for directions?"

"6'2" man clad in leather. I think you should do it."

"I'm not lost. I don't need directions."

"For the love of!" Batman got out of the car and started to approach a man pumping gas into a Sebring. " Excuse me sir."

The man stared wide eyed and bewildered. "Holy crap! You're Batman!"

"Yeah…look…I'm on my way to Ikers and my driver over there seems to be a little lost. You wouldn't know how to get there from here would you?"

"Oh, sure! You go back the way you came for like an hour and a half. Get off on exit 25, it says Castle Road. You take that until you come to a four way stop. Hang a left and you'll see the prison."

"Thank you." He started to turn to walk away when he heard a click. He looked back and there was a teenage girl snapping his picture with a phone at the next pump.

She smiled and said "Sorry. I'm a huge fan of the Tipster and if I send this pic I'll make the next update."

Batman turned around and headed back to the car.

"Figure it out?" Gordon asked.

"Yeah. Turn around and start heading back up the road."

They weren't even out of the parking lot when the communicator started to beep.

"What's that?"

"My com link. Hold on. Yes?"

"Get a little turned around?" Barbara joked.

"It's already out there?"

"Oh yeah. There's a couple pictures. One of you getting directions, and one of you and dad in the car. Why didn't you just ask me?"

"I didn't want to bother you."

"Need anything else?"

"Was there anything else on the Tipster update?"

"Nope. Just you."

"I hate that woman."

"Call me if you get lost on the way back."

"Everything ok?" Gordon asked.

"Fine."

"You know what I don't understand?"

"GPS, computers, how to program the VCR," Batman thought to himself.

"Why the Joker is still hanging around the prison. Why hasn't his loony lover busted him out?"

"They're not together anymore."

"What? The last I heard he told her he loved her and they were setting up house somewhere."

"He told her he didn't love her after all and they split."

"When was this?"

"The day he got arrested."

"How do you know these things?"

"How do you not? Don't you get the Tipster updates?"

"Is that those text messages with all the gossip?"

"Yes."

"I don't text."

"Of course not."

"It's weird to me that so many people are interested in those low lives."

Batman nodded in agreement.

"Don't they talk about Bruce Wayne too?"

"Yes."

"I'd be interested in that. I hear he and Selina broke up again. Idiot. She's gorgeous."

Batman sighed. This next hour and a half was going to kill him.

* * *

"This picture is my new everything," Eddie said saving the Tipster pictures to his phone. "It's like Christmas with Halloween the next day."

Holly laughed.

"It is. I'm starting to love the Tipster. If she gets a picture of Batman leaving a rest stop bathroom I'm going to leave you and marry her. I'm sorry."

"I'll gladly let you go," Holly replied as she filled the sink to do dishes.

"Whoa wait! Gladly?"

"You're leaving me for the Tipster!" she laughed.

"You wouldn't put up a fight for me?"

"Psh if you want to be with someone else then forget you dude."

"What would you do without me?"

"I don't know. Date around for a little. Nothing serious but all very fun. And eventually settle down with Bruce Wayne."

"Bruce Wayne?"

"Yeah. He's smart, sophisticated, rich. Perfect for me."

Eddie pouted.

"And I'll live out my days as a lady of leisure."

"I don't like this game anymore," he pouted.

Holly walked back over to the kitchen table and wrapped her arms around Eddie. "I'm only teasing. Baby you're stuck with me."

"I better be. I went through hell and back to get you."

"Oh! You got another Tipster update."

Eddie flipped the phone open and jumped out of the chair. "Yes! Yes times a million!"

Holly grabbed the phone from his hand and burst out laughing. Sure enough it was Batman, walking out of a rest stop bathroom. The cherry on the sundae, he had toilet paper stuck to his boot.

* * *

"This is the best thing to ever happen to me," Harvey laughed wiping a tear from his eye. "It's beautiful."

Ivy shook her head. "It's just a picture."

"Of Batman. With toilet paper."

"It really is the simple things isn't it?" she sighed.

"Son of a bitch!" Selina cried sticking her finger in her mouth.

"Face it dear heart, you're not meant to sew."

"I'm almost done though."

"What are you stitching over there anyway?" Ivy asked walking over to the couch where Selina was sitting.

"Just this stuffed animal."

"What happened to it?"

"Harley ripped it in half."

Ivy took it from Selina and looked it over. "Is this hers?"

"Yeah."

"I thought we were trying to get rid of these things, not repair them."

"This one is special. Joker gave it to her when their hyena died. She's so upset about him she trashed it."

"Good."

"Not good! This is something special."

"Harley needs to pack it up and move on. That man has played enough games with her."

Selina snatched the hyena back and went back to sewing it together. "I'm going to fix this and keep it for when she wants it back."

"Why would she? They're done."

"Look, I don't know what got into his head but he's going to realize he was wrong and he does love her and after she thinks it over she'll want him back."

Ivy growled in frustration. "You don't get it!"

"Excuse me?"

"This is done. I'm not letting him play these games anymore. He doesn't love her. You know how I know that? Because I love her. I love her so much I would destroy the world if she asked. I would give her every toy in the store. And I would do anything in my power to never hurt her."  
Selina looked at the hyena in her hands. "I just can't believe he doesn't love her."

"Then you're an idiot."

"He was a mess…"

"He's always a mess!"

"He was practically crying on our couch!"

"It's all a ploy to get what he wants."

"But he…"

"Hi," Harley piped in.

Selina and Ivy instantly became quiet.

"I don't mean to interrupt. Do we have anymore bread? I want a cheese sandwich."

"No we're out. I'll run to the Korean around the corner and pick some up," Harvey offered getting up.

"Can I go with you?" she asked.

Harvey nodded. "Yeah. Get your shoes."

Harley slowly made her way back to her room to get her shoes.

"That was good," Ivy sighed.

"Yeah," Selina agreed.

"Enough with the Joker talk. Just let her figure this out on her own," Harvey warned putting his own shoes on.

* * *

"No. We don't have the…I know but…NO! Listen to me! No!" Sage stifled a scream and started slamming the phone against the counter.

Johnny slowly started to walk away.

"Goodbye mother!" She stabbed the "end" button repeatedly and tossed the phone down. "Hate her. I hate her!" She full on screamed this time and stomped her foot like a child.

"I'm going to creep back into the room. I won't make any sudden movements. Please put any objects you are holding down," Johnny teased as he walked back in.

"She's so frustrating!"

"Mothers are. They're supposed to be."

"She just…Augh!"

Johnny stepped back and put his hands up in surrender.

"I'm sorry. I'm a mess right now."

"What did she want?"

"Oh just nonsense. Gossiping about everyone in town, how all her friends think I'm wasting my life, I'm fat." Sage collapsed onto the reclining chair.

"What a bitch."

Sage moaned and curled up into a ball. "I don't know why I let her and those assholes bother me."

"It's human nature."

"They all like you."

"I don't like them."

"That's what I don't understand! They all love you but you're ruining my life. How does that work?"

"You said it yourself, they're assholes. Do you want me to make you something to eat?"

"No. I'm fat remember."

"Oh you are not fat." Johnny picked her up off the chair, carried her over to the couch, and cuddled up with her. "You're perfect."

"Nope. I'm a whale."

"Well…your ass is a little…"

"If you finish that sentence I am going to punch you right in the jewels."

Johnny smiled. "Forget about her. Let's do something fun tonight."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. I'll think of something."

"Oh! We should do a group thing!"

Johnny closed his eyes, counted to ten, and took a deep breath. "Ok."

* * *

"See, we got here," Gordon said cheerfully as he and Batman walked into the prison.

"It only took five hours and all my dignity but yeah hey, we made it," he snapped back.

"Oh come on everybody…"

"Stop. Just stop. Do not say what I think you are going to say or so help."

"I'm quiet."

"Whoa," the guard said scooting his chair back. "Can I help you?"

"I'm Commissioner James Gordon from Gotham. I spoke with warden Bell yesterday about checking in on Joker."

"Ok…um…let me get him for you." The young guard's eyes never left Batman.

After a couple of minutes warden Bell walked into the small waiting area. "Hello Jim. Good to see you again," he said shaking Gordon's hand.

"You too. This is Batman."

"Nice to meet you. Shall we make our way to the common room?"

"How's he been?" Gordon asked as they strolled down the hallway.

"It's been…well…interesting to have him here."

"What do you mean?" Batman asked.

"You'll see." They group walked into the common room. Everyone went silent and stared at Batman.

"So where is he?" Gordon asked.

"Coming in now. He just got out of solitary, again."

A guard pushed Joker into the room and walked over to chat with another guard.

"Watch," the warden instructed.

Joker ignored the small group and headed straight for Nick. "Hey Nicky. You know what I was thinking about in solitary?"

"Shut the fuck up. Only warning," Nick shot back.

"Harley."

"I mean it."

"That moment when she's just about to pop and she arches her back and clings to me. Screaming my name, calling out for God, and…"

Nick was on him again.

"New record. 20 seconds out of solitary. It's been like this all week. He gets out and he goes straight for Nick."

"Why Nick?" Gordon wondered aloud.

"Why don't you ask him? Guards, take Joker to my office please."

* * *

"No," Jervis said shaking his head violently even though Johnny couldn't see it through the phone.

"Sage really wants to fit in better with everyone and she thinks this will be fun," Johnny pleaded.

"No. It won't be fun. It will be humiliating."

"I'm sure Alice will be up for it."

"I'm not even going to mention it to her."

"I anticipated that and I already sent her a text."

"Are you talking to John-John? Tell him we're so going!" Alice squealed in the background.

"I hate you," Jervis muttered.

"I know and it's ok. It's going to be alright."

* * *

Harvey grabbed a loaf of bread, some milk, and an extra pack of cheese as he walked down the aisles of the Korean mart. "What else do we need?" he called over to Harley who was in the next aisle.

She shrugged.

"What are you looking at?" He rounded the corner and joined her. "Candy. Want some?"

She shook her head.

"Oh come on. They have Hello Kitty marshmallow pops."

"I'm ok," she assured him.

"I'm buying. Pick out some candy. Or they have ice cream. Do you want some ice cream?"

"No."

Harvey sighed. "It's not everyday I offer to buy sugar. You should jump on it."

She smiled but still shook her head.

"Ok well I'm buying me a Hello Kitty marshmallow pop and a bag of Skittles. You're welcome to have both."

* * *

"I don't know how I feel about this," Eddie sighed.

"I wouldn't ask but it's for Sage," Johnny replied.

"I understand."

"Will you do it?"

"I will ask Holly and see what she says."

"I really appreciate this."

"I wouldn't do this for anyone else."

"What about Jervis? Isn't he your best friend?"

"Only when someone steals my car."

"Who else should I call?"

"You have to drag Harvey, Ivy, Selina, and Harley to this."

"Think Harley would bring Bruce?"

"You know what, I have no idea what is going on there and the less I know the happier I believe I'll be when Joker starts knocking down doors and demanding information."

"True enough. I just had the best idea!"

"What?"

"Oswald. I'm calling Oswald."

"First the Batman pictures and now this? Best day ever. If he comes I am so there."

* * *

"Hello boys!" Joker cried jumping up from his chair and going for a hug. A guard was on him before he even took and step and right back onto the chair he went. "Ow."

Gordon sighed and took the chair on the other side.

"Can I go home yet?"

"No Joker, not yet. I'm working on it."

"So what brings you up here then?"

"Curious as to how you were doing. What the hell is going on with you and that guy?"

"Nick? He's my friend."

"If that's the way you act with friends then you and Batman must be lovers," Gordon joked.

A small shudder ran through Batman's body.

"How did you know?" Joker asked with fake shock.

"Why Nick?"

"He started it by showing me those pictures of Harley with that playboy buttmunch."

"Alright so he pissed you off."

"Is there any truth to that whole Harley/Bruce thing?"

"No!" Batman replied firmly. "None."

Joker quirked an eyebrow and turned back to Gordon. "Ok then."

"Why don't you tell them the full story Joker," the warden pressed.

"That is the story."

"You didn't tell them all about Nick."

"Oh, yes, well, Nick," Joker giggled, "is Harley's daddy."

"We need to get him out of here," Gordon said. "He's going to drive that man nuts."

"I agree," Batman added.

"What? I just tell him about Harley and how she just loves a good roll in the hay."

"Sooner rather than later," Gordon went on. "I'll add this to my list of reasons why he needs to be put back in Arkham."

* * *

Harley eyed the marshmallow pop in the bag that Harvey was carrying. He watched her watching it and smiled. "Take it."

Her little fingers quickly pulled the Hello Kitty shaped sugary treat from the bag and popped it into her mouth.

"You're a dork."

"I'm a cute dork."

Harvey shook his head.

"Oh! Puppy!" Harley started to dart across the street in front of a car. Harvey grabbed her hand and yanked her back.

"New rule. You hold my hand for the rest of the walk back," Twoface snarled.

Harley smiled wide. "Was that you Twoface who just saved my keister?"

"Shut it."

"I know Harvey would but I thought you didn't like me that much."

"I don't."

"I think I'm growing on you."

"Nope."

"You think I'm sexy, you think I'm funny, you want to love me," she sang.

"I will throw you into traffic if you don' shut up."

Harley immediately silenced herself.

"Sorry. He's cranky," Harvey told her. "Damn it. This is probably Pammy. Do not let go of my hand!"

"I won't!"

"It's John. What the hell? Hello John."

"Are you and the girls free tonight?" Johnny asked.

"I don't think we have any plans. Why?"

"Want to go roller skating?"


	25. Waking Up In Vegas

Author's Note: I wrote it. I posted it. I deleted it. You guys deserved better and I was ashamed of myself for even thinking that this chapter was ok. Round 2 starts now.

* * *

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Selina rolled over and felt around for the alarm clock. Beep. Beep. Beep. Nothing there, just junk. Beep. Beep. It didn't sound like her alarm. It was more shrill. She reached out again. Beep. Too far, she fell out of bed and onto the floor. Her eyes fluttered open. "Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore," she thought. Her joints ached, her muscles were sore, and the beeping was giving her the headache from hell. Slowly, Selina pushed herself up off the floor. The world lurched forward and she was back down again. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. "Fuck."

She gathered all her strength, closed her eyes, and once again pushed herself up off the floor. This time she made it into a sitting position. Carefully she opened her eyes. It looked like she was in a hotel room. A wrecked hotel room. And worst of all, she was alone. Panic seized her and she stood up too quickly. Her stomach became furious and demanded to be relieved of its contents. Selina bolted out the door into the main room. Apparently, she had a suite. She glanced around for a bathroom, all the doors were closed. "Fuck," she screamed inside her mind. She picked the door closest to her and ran for it. Suddenly she found herself on the floor again and her stomach wouldn't wait another minute, she threw up right there, one foot shy of the bathroom.

"Mmmhmhmm," something groaned behind her.

Selina got on her elbows and looked back. Her right foot was resting on Ivy's stomach. Apparently, she had tripped over her in all her excitement to get to a bathroom. "Ivy," she whimpered like a child with the flu. "Ivy."

"Hmm?" she hummed not opening her eyes.

"I don't feel good. Something's wrong."

Ivy had always wanted to be a mother and after the accident she settled for being a mother to Earth, and then Harley. She was not about to be mother to Selina too. "Take some Alka Seltzer and got back to sleep."

"No, Ivy, something is really wrong," Selina whined.

She reached next to her to wake Harvey but there was no one there. And that's when she noticed her bed was really hard and there was a strange beeping. She opened her eyes. That was not her ceiling. "What in the hell?"

Selina wretched again and started to cry. "Oh God, I'm really sick."

Ivy rolled onto her side and propped herself up on an elbow. She looked around the room and started to worry. "Where in the hell are we?"

"I don't know. I just woke up. Oh no!" She threw up once more and this time Ivy crawled over to her to hold her hair back.

"I'm not feeling so hot myself," she admitted holding back the urge to vomit.

"I fell over you trying to get to the bathroom."

"I can see that. It's ok. This looks like a hotel, room service will clean it up."

"Why is this happening?"

"I don't know. Have you seen Harley or Harvey?"

"No. I just saw you when I tripped."

"What the hell is that beeping sound?"

"I don't know." Selina finally stopped vomiting. "I think I'm ok now."

"Let's get you up and hose you off," Ivy replied helping her to her feet. She opened the bathroom door, the place was a wreck. Toilet paper, a slippery substance that smelled like shampoo, and all kinds of odds and ends littered the floor. Someone had drawn smiley faces and hearts on the mirror in red lipstick and the shower curtain was in tatters on the rod. "I don't want to have to pay for this."

Selina leaned against the counter while Ivy wetted down a washcloth and started to wipe her face. "My head hurts."

"Mine does too."

"I haven't felt like this since I turned 21."

"I was having the same thought. Excuse me." Ivy bent down over the toilet and politely threw up. She waited a couple of seconds, righted herself, and flushed. "We need to find some toothbrushes and toothpaste."

"And Harley."

"And Harley, and Harvey, or anyone else who may have been with us. God! What happened last night?"

"I don't know. Why aren't you as sick as me?"

"I think we got drunk. My system processes alcohol a lot better than normal humans."

"Lucky."

"You feeling ok?"

"Better than I was a second ago."

"Let's explore the suite." Ivy walked back into the main room which was as much of a disaster as the bathroom. "This is insane."

"What the hell did we do?"

"Acted like fools. Speaking of which, that pile of crap is moving." They made their way over to the pile in question and found fingers poking out from underneath. Ivy reached under, grabbed an arm, and pulled. "I found Harley."

"Hiya Red," she moaned. "Oh no." And like the other two, she wretched.

"I just realized something," Selina said as she helped Harley off the floor.

"What?" Ivy asked.

"This isn't my dress."

Ivy examined Selina's hot pink mini dress. "Nope. It's not."

"And I don't think you own anything like that either."

She looked down at her own electric blue, vinyl, tube dress. "Hell no."

"I don't think this is mine," Harley added gesturing toward her gold sequined number.

"Strange place, new clothes, and no memory of anything. Sounds like the plot of a good comedy film," Selina joked.

"I'm gonna be sick again." Harley threw up again and immediately Ivy and Selina let go of her.

"We need a phone," Ivy said.

"And to stop the beeping," Selina added.

"What is that fucking beeping noise?" Ivy yelled looking around the kitchen area.

"Aha!" Selina yanked a hotel phone out from under the table. "Beeping!" She yanked on it, unplugging the infernal thing from the wall. "Problem solved."

"I'm going to die," Harley sobbed.

"It's a hangover babe, you'll live," Selina assure her.

"When you're done puking you'll feel better. In the meantime, Selina and I are going to hunt for clues." They spread out and began rummaging for answers to the riddle, "what the hell happened?" and Selina couldn't help but wish Eddie was there. He would've figured this out in five minutes.

"I have a menu for Wong's," Selina said holding up a Chinese takeout menu.

"Never heard of it."

"Me neither but there are 50 million Chinese places in Gotham."

Harley stood up and shakily made her way to the curtains in front of her. She needed some fresh air. She pulled them back and freaked out. "Guys!"

"Not now Harl," Ivy grumbled.

"No you have to see this."

"Look for something that'll help us figure out what happened," Selina told her.

"You don't understand."

"You don't feel good we know. Neither do we now help," Ivy barked.

Harley whimpered.

"Now look…" Ivy looked over and realized instantly what Harley was looking at. "Fuck."

"What is it?" Selina asked looking up from the floor.

"It's not Gotham," Harley replied.

"What the hell are you…fuck!" Selina and Ivy joined Harley at the window. Outside and below them was a barrage of bright lights. "This can't be…"

"We didn't…"

"We did. We're in Vegas," Harley said plainly.

"How in the hell did we get to Vegas?" Ivy asked.

"I don't know," Selina replied panicked. "I don't know anything!"

"We need to just calm down…" Ivy started.

"I will not calm down! I am in Vegas! I don't know how I got here, I'm not wearing my clothes, and we're in a wrecked hotel room!" Harley screamed.

"Ladies!"

The girls turned around and were more than slightly confused to be standing in the same room as William Shatner.

"Thank you for the fun times. This should cover my share." He handed Selina a ball of money. "I threw up in the bedroom over there. Sorry." And with that, he walked out the door.

"Tell me one of us did not fuck Captain Kirk," Selina said with all seriousness.

"Until someone provides us with photographic evidence, no one had sex with William Shatner," Ivy told them.

"Agreed," Harley and Selina replied.

"Alright, we need to think," Ivy went on. "Let's grab our purses and head downstairs to get some food."

"Where are our purses?" Selina asked.

"Oh!" Harley cried scooping three handbags off the couch. "If they're not ours, they are now."

* * *

Harley, Selina, and Ivy stepped onto the elevator, avoiding eye contact with the other two guests. The couple got off on the next floor and the trio continued alone. "Do we know what hotel we're in?" Ivy asked.

"Judging by the decorations, I'd say the Venetian," Selina answered looking around the elevator.

"We wrecked a penthouse in the most expensive hotel in Las Vegas. Wonderful," Harley sighed.

"Well more than likely we're not paying for it. None of us have a real credit card so that's not important right now. We need to figure out what happened and get home," Ivy said calmly.

They reached the lobby and got off the elevator. "Ok, everyone be calm and act natural," Selina ordered.

"Where are we going?" Harley asked.

"Just find a restaurant and we'll eat there."

"Oh! Mrs. Wayne!" a man called running over to meet them.

"Mrs. Wayne?" Selina hissed.

"Go with it," Ivy told her.

"Mrs. Wayne, did you still want your table at Tao?" the man asked Selina.

"Um…yes?"

"Then it is ready for you whenever you're ready to eat."

"I'm hungry now so I guess we'll head over there."

"I'll let the maitre d know you're coming." He walked over to the front desk and picked up the phone.

"Did you get married?" Harley asked.

"I don't know. Let's just go to Tao and get dinner."

"Good evening Mrs. Wayne, Miss Quinn, Mrs. Dent," the maitre d greeted. "Mr. Wayne is not joining you tonight?"

"Uh no. He's tied up in a conference call," Selina lied.

"I see. Right this way ladies." He led them to the back of the restaurant. "Is this table alright?"

"Fine. Thanks," Harley replied taking a seat.

"Very good. Enjoy your meals."

"Mrs. Wayne?" Selina asked. "What the hell?"

"Apparently I'm Mrs. Dent," Ivy laughed.

"I'm still Miss Quinn… that sucks."

"Well if I'm Mrs. Wayne then that means Bruce is around here somewhere."

"Why would Bruce be in Vegas with us?" Ivy questioned.

"Why are we in Vegas to begin with?"

"Good point."

"This explains why we're at the Venetian though. Bruce always stays at the Venetian."

"Hello ladies!" the waiter said cheerfully. "No Mr. Wayne tonight?"

"No he's working," Selina answered.

"That's a shame. What can I get you girls to drink?"

"Water," they said in unison.

"Three waters coming right up."

"This is surreal," Selina sighed. "How does this happen?"

"I don't know." Ivy opened her handbag hoping to find lipstick and a mirror. Instead she found balled up dollar bills, her wedding band, and poker chips in various amounts.

"That's a good idea." Selina started digging through her own purse. "I have Bruce's wallet. At least we have money."

"I have bubble gum, money, a cell phone, and a vile of joker venom."

Selina and Ivy jumped back from the table.

"I'll put the venom away."

"Let me see your phone," Selina requested reaching out her hand.

Harley handed it over and popped a piece of bubble gum in her mouth. "Anyone else want a piece?"

"Not if it's been rolling around your handbag with Joker venom," Selina replied. She flipped the phone open. The battery was low but not bad. "This just got more twisted."

"Why?" Ivy asked.

"This isn't Harley's phone."

"Whose is it?"

"Judging by the wallpaper, I'd say Eddie's."

"Does that mean Eddie is in Vegas too?" Harley asked.

"Maybe, maybe not. Maybe we stole it. Maybe Eddie is back in Gotham in a ditch somewhere."

"Is that why we're in Vegas? We killed the Riddler for a cell phone and we fled the city?" Ivy joked.

"Maybe."

"I figured one day one of us would," Harley laughed.

"What is the last thing we remember?" Selina asked.

"Arguing with Harvey about going roller skating," Ivy answered.

"I remember that too," Harley agreed.

"Me too. Remember what day that was?"

"Thursday evening."

Selina started laughing hysterically.

"Damn it Harley! Selina got hit with that Joker venom!"

Harley picked the phone off the table and shook her head. "I don't think that's it. I think she went nuts. Look."

Ivy grabbed the phone from Harley. She couldn't believe her eyes. "How in the hell can it be Saturday?"

* * *

They ate dinner quickly and quietly and bolted for their room the second they were done. Once back up in their suite, they started to try and piece together the last two nights.

"Alright, we can't panic," Ivy said as calmly as she could.

"You keep saying that but I think we have the right to panic. We've lost two days, possibly two men, and I may or may not be married," Selina replied.

"Mazletov by the way," Harley added.

Selina glared at her. "We need to figure out what happened to Bruce and if Eddie was with us as well."

"Why don't you try calling Bruce's phone?" Ivy suggested.

"Believe it or not, I don't actually know the number."

"See if Eddums has the number," Harley offered.

"I don't think…wait, he does. I don't even want to know." Selina hit the send button and waited for someone to pick up.

Harley heard a faint tune playing in the bedroom William Shatner had been in. She followed it and found a cell phone on the nightstand. She picked it up and said "Hello."

"Harley?" Selina asked.

She walked out of the bedroom with the phone in her hand. "Plan B?"

"We book it back to Gotham with rich boy's credit cards and figure things out from there," Ivy told them taking a seat on the couch.

"We can't leave Bruce and possibly Eddie out here with no money and no explanation of what is going on," Selina sighed.

"Oh we can."

"I'm calling Holly. Maybe Eddie is with her and that'll be one less problem."

"You son of a bitch!" Holly screamed.

Selina pulled the phone away from her ear. "Odd greeting but I've heard worse."

"Selina?" Holly asked.

"Hi Holls. I'm guessing Eddie is on your shit list."

"Can you blame me?"

"I don't actually know. Look, Ivy, Harley, and I are in a weird situation. We woke up in Vegas with no clue as to what happened these last two days."

Holly snorted.

"Sounds like you have an idea what's been going on."

"Look, you guys can't cause a huge mess and get out of it by faking amnesia."

"I honestly have no clue…"

"Whatever. You're on your own and tell that bimbo bitch that she better watch her ass when she comes back to Gotham." Holly hung up.

"Harley, do you have any idea why Holly would want to kick your ass?"

Harley shook her head.

"Alright ladies, we've messed up and we've messed up good. Judging by Holly's temper I'd say Eddie was with us and the old flame was rekindled."

"I would never go for Eddie again," Harley huffed.

"And I didn't think I would marry Bruce Wayne but some weird shit has apparently gone down."

Ivy started to smile.

"Are you cracking over there?" Selina asked.

"No, I just had an idea. We can't go anywhere or do anything without all of the world knowing. The Tipster has to have a pretty good timeline of the events of the last two days."

"Why didn't we think of that earlier?"

"The shock of being in a random place with no memory will do funny things to ya," Harley sighed.

"Speaking from a place of experience over there?" Selina asked flipping Eddie's phone open to text messages.

Ivy shook her head and flipped on the TV.

"When you date the Joker, all kinds of weird things happen," Harley explained.

"Speaking of your amour." Ivy gestured to the TV and turned the volume up.

"Still no sign of the Joker who escaped Ikers prison Thursday night with the help of two unknown accomplices," The reporter on the TV informed them.

"Unknown accomplices my ass. It looks like Jervis and Jonathan," Selina grumbled.

"What time was that?" Harley asked.

"Real late. Practically Friday morning. We need to go back further and fortunately there are a million or so updates pre-Joker escape."

"Wonderful."

"I should try Harvey," Ivy said snatching Bruce's phone away from Harley.

"Surprised you didn't do that earlier."

"Me too." She dialed Harvey's number but it went straight to voicemail. "Well that's not good."

"Huh?"

"Harvey's not answering."

"Maybe he's in Vegas too," Harley suggested.

"I can't imagine that would be a good thing."

* * *

"Please, for the love of Batman, stop talking," Joker whined as he held his head trying to keep it from exploding.

"We're trying to figure out what the hell happened," Harvey snapped.

"What happened is we got drunk and now I need to sleep it off."

"This can't be happening," Harvey thought. "There is no way I got drunk and ran off to Vegas with this lot." He looked at Joker was in the fetal position on the floor still cradling his head while Jervis and Jonathan occupied the couch. No Eddie. No Bruce. No girls. Although there were some signs that at some point the girls had been here. He picked Ivy's compact up off the table. "We need to look around for clues as to where the girls are."

"I need sleep and vicodin," Joker replied.

"You will get neither. Man up, throw up, drink some water, and then help me look around. You two, get up and start looking as well."

"Who died and made you leader?" Jervis hissed.

"No one but if it'll make you feel better I'll put my boot in your ass."

"Why does everyone want some part of their foot in my ass?"

"Because you're annoying," Johnny sighed. "I need to find my phone and call Sage."

Joker made a half-assed whip sound.

"Even hungover he's a riot."

"I'm always on." He stood up and immediately spilled his guts onto the floor. "I don't remember eating that."

"If you remember anything I'd be happy," Harvey replied.

"I vaguely remember these two breaking me out of prison."

"I don't." Jervis pouted.

"I don't remember that either," Johnny agreed.

"It happened. And you were driving the car." Joker pointed to Harvey.

"I sure as hell don't remember that," Harvey said.

"It happened."

"Alright, can you remember if Eddie or Bruce or any of the girls were with us?"

"No."

"No you can't remember or no they weren't." Harvey was getting annoyed now.

"No they weren't there."

"Why would we bust your sorry ass out of prison?" Johnny questioned.

"Sounds like a question for the Riddler," Jervis joked.

"Heh…Fuck!" Joker yelled jumping up off the couch.

"That was my ear," Johnny cried.

"That skinny nerdy little shit!"

Harvey looked at Jervis, Johnny, and then the empty spot where he imagined Eddie. "You'll have to be more specific."

"Edward!"

"Remember something about that particular skinny nerdy little shit?"

"It was a Tipster update. He was with Harley boarding a plane to Vegas!"

Harvey, Johnny, and Jervis groaned.

"What?"

"You need to stop with Harley or stay with Harley. You can't say, sorry don't want ya and then get your panties in a twist when she decides to move on," Johnny explained.

"I'll thank you to leave my panties out of this."

Harvey smacked Joker on the back of the head. "You're an idiot but at least it explains why we're in Vegas."

"No, it explains why Joker is in Vegas," Jervis corrected.

"This is true."

"And why did we break him out?"

"I still don't know."

"What is the last thing you remember Harvey?" Johnny asked.

"Going to the roller rink."

"That is my last memory as well. Jervis?"

"Me too."

"So, between the roller rink and breaking Joker out we have no idea what happened and same for after Joker escaped until now," Harvey grumbled. "Fucking perfect."

* * *

Bruce looked around at the darkness that engulfed him. This can't be good. He felt the wall next to him. Smooth, cement as was the floor he was sitting on. On his other side was various objects, none of which he recognized by touch. He stood up slowly and felt around for a light switch or a pull string. He took another step, tripped over something, and fell on his side. "Ow." There was a moan under him and he realized that he had landed on a person. Bruce quickly rolled off. "Are you ok?"

"Bruce? Is that you?" Eddie groaned trying to sit himself up.

"Eddie?"

"Yup. It's Eddie."

"You wouldn't happen to know where we are would you?"

"No. And I think I'm blind."

"You're not blind. The room is just completely dark. I think it's a storage closet."

"Why are we in a closet together?"

"I wish I had an answer for you that didn't involve a lame joke."

"You're done hanging out with Joker."

Bruce started to feel around the walls again until he found a door. "Aha!"

"What?"

"Door. We're getting out of here and…shit."

"I don't like that."

"It's locked."

"Shit."


	26. Marry You

Author's Note: Batman Live? Damn me for not living in Europe! They better bring that shit to the US.

* * *

"I have reached the first Tipster update of Thursday night," Selina cried triumphantly.

"What does it say?" Harley and Ivy asked in unison crowding around the tiny cell phone screen.

"Looks like a rolling good time for the Rogues at Gotham Skate. Who hits their ass first? Polls are now open," Selina read.

"What time was that?"

"6 p.m."

"What's next?"

"People falling down, it looks like Oswald was the first. Um…Sage and Johnny going at each other like horny teenagers…"

Group "Ew".

"This is all just from the skating party."

"And after that?" Ivy pushed.

"Nothing. There are 101 updates all about the party."

"How do we go to Vegas and cause all this damage and no one sees it?" Harley whined.

"I don't know." Selina hit reply on one of the messages and began to type.

"What are you doing?"

"Seeing if the Tipster is holding out on us."

Ivy crossed the main room and walked into one of the bedrooms. "Seems odd we only got a two person suite when there are three of us."

"If that's what you find odd about this situation then we need to get your reality checked," Selina joked.

Ivy fished around the bedroom hoping for more clues. "I found the clothes I was wearing Thursday night," she called.

"Wonderful."

"Oh shit."

Harley and Selina exchanged a look. "I don't like it when you say oh shit," Selina yelled back to her.

"You guys are going to kick my ass but at least I know why we can't remember anything." Ivy walked into the main room holding what looked like a wilted fuzzy seed.

"Pamela Lillian Isley I am going to kill you."

* * *

Thursday Night….

"We'll be back in a bit," Harvey said sliding on his other shoe. Harley was waiting patiently at the door.

"Can you grab some milk while you're at the store?" Selina called over from the kitchen.

"Yeah. Ready?"

Harley nodded and she and Harvey were out the door to the Korean mart down the block.

"I'll be in the basement," Ivy announced springing up from the couch.

"Oh?" Selina inquired curiously.

"I have a little project I'm working on down there."

"A project?"

"Yes."

"Taking over the city or taking down an eco-terrorist organization?"

"Neither right now. Just flexing my muscles to see what I can come up with."

"Can I see?"

Ivy led Selina down to the basement where she had set up an entire work station.

"How do you keep people out of here?"

"I have a deal with the manager. He keeps an eye on the basement and he gets a tip with the rent every month," Ivy explained.

"Money makes the world go round."

"Damn straight."

"So what are we cooking up Mother Nature?" Selina asked walking over to one of the work benches and picking up a potted plant.

Ivy immediately took it from her hands and sat it on the opposite work bench. "You don't want to touch that."

Selina wiped her hands on her pants. "I should know better."

"This is my new baby," Ivy said proudly holding a glass vial in her hand.

"Awe they're so widdle," Selina joked.

Ivy glared at her.

"It looks like moldy peas."

"Causes a lot more damage than a moldy pea."

"So what does it do?"

"It kind of has the same effect at a rohypnol. Sense of ease, memory loss, so on but instead of being dropped into a drink these babies bloom in open air and let off the toxins so everyone can breathe them in."

"I like it."

"I do too."

"So why haven't you busted these babies out yet?"

"Two flaws. They wilt quickly and the toxins don't last long on the air. You have to be in close proximity."

"Oh."

"The nice thing is when they do wilt they go right back into this little pod and after enough rest they can spring open again."

"Ingenious."

"I'd like to think so."

"Why make roofies though?"

"I don't know. I figured it'd come in handy somehow."

"You have fun with those."

"I will. Tell Harvey I'm working down here when he gets back."

Selina gave her a salute and walked out the door.

Ivy pulled the little seed out of the glass vile and quickly placed it into a bowl of water to keep it from blooming.

An hour later, Harvey joined her in the basement. "What's cookin good lookin?"

She gave him a look that clearly stated how not funny he was.

"That is my second favorite look of yours."

"Really? Why?"

"It just looks so cute on you and you're rarely cute. Pretty, yes. Gorgeous, for sure. Sexy, always. But cute is a not everyday."

Ivy smiled. "Thank you."

"Aren't you going to ask what my favorite look is?"

"What is your favorite look?"

"That genuine smile you sport."

Ivy smiled bigger unable to control herself. "It happens a lot more with you around."

"That's why I like it so much." He wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and buried his face in her hair.

"You are awfully affectionate. I'm a little suspicious."

"You should be. I have ulterior motives."

Ivy stopped working on her seed and freed herself from his embrace while turning to face him.

"Johnny is having a thing at the roller rink."

"No."

"It's so Sage can get to know everyone better."

"Absolutely not."

"Harley wants to go."

Ivy took a deep breath and held it for a minute before exhaling.

"Selina had the same reaction."

"It's a torturous idea."

"I know."

"What did Selina say?"

"She said she'd do it if you will."

"And Harley really wants to go?"

"She's getting her skating clothes on now."

Ivy took another deep breath. "I'll do it."

"That's my girl."

"I won't like it."

"No one's asking you to."

"Let me get this back in the vile and I'll be up to change."

Harvey patted her on the head and went upstairs to get ready himself.

Ivy slipped the little seed back in its glass home but what she didn't realize is that one of the others had slid out in the process and latched onto her sleeve.

* * *

"I can't believe you're running around in shorts and a tubetop," Selina sighed.

"Duh, it's a roller skating outfit," Harley replied.

Selina eyed the red 70's shorts and matching tubetop. She shook her head. "Hurry up Ivy."

Ivy quickly ran a brush through her hair in her bedroom. She really didn't care how she looked tonight but it didn't stop her from placing the bright blue flower in her hair. The little stem latched on tight and she was out the door.

"That new?" Harvey asked pointing to the flower.

"I don't think so. It was sitting in the bowl with the rest of them."

Harvey shrugged. "Ladies." He opened the door and ushered them all out.

* * *

Back to the hotel…

"You put that damned roofie flower in your hair!" Selina screamed.

"I didn't even think…they weren't supposed…I'm sorry," Ivy said finally.

"Roofie flowers may explain why Kittie is a memory fogged mess but why us?" Harley asked.

"Alcohol my dear. Anytime we baddies get together the alcohol is flowing like water through Atlantis and alcohol will lower your tolerance of everything. Apparently it even lowers my tolerance to my own concoctions."

"You've never noticed this before?" Selina asked in disbelief.

"Hey, I was a fairly sober person before I got involved with you lot and last night was the first time I've gotten drunk since the car incident."

Selina giggled a little remembering how she, Harley, and Ivy all hopped the Wayne Manor fence, vandalized Bruce's car and then wrecked Eddie's beyond recognition.

"Look, it's over and done with. We can't change the past but we can figure out what happened and move on," Ivy told them.

"I thought those things wilted quickly."

"They do but apparently I succeeded in making the after effect last longer."

"Congratulations," Harley replied sarcastically.

* * *

"I'm hungry," Eddie moaned for the hundredth time.

"I'll feed you my fist if you don't shut up," Bruce warned.

"You need to chill out."

"Excuse me?"

"I know you're not used to this sort of thing but in our world it happens."

Truth was, Batman had woken in up a few strange places with little to no memory of how he got there. But this was different. This wasn't Batman. This was Bruce Wayne. "You're right, it isn't my average Tuesday."

"Now you're being ridiculous, waking up in a closet is on Mondays."

Bruce glared at him.

"Even in the dark I know you're giving me a look."

"Good. Help me get the door open."

"How?"

"Throw your weight up against it with me."

Eddie laughed.

"What?"

"Have you seen me? I weigh all of a 100lbs soaking wet. You'd have better luck trying to use me as a lock pick."

Bruce sighed.

"Now if Harley was here…" He whistled. "That girl can break a door. And a bed."

"Thank you for that look into your sex life."

"You can be a prude, anyone ever tell you that?"

"Help me get the door open," Bruce said firmly ignoring the previous conversation.

"Fine." Eddie stood up and felt around until he found Bruce's shoulder. "On the count of jump?"

"What the hell?"

"You know…on the count of jump. Wait for it….jump! Robin Hood Men in Tights. Mel Brooks movie…classic. You need to get out from under the women and catch up on pop culture."

"On the count of three," Bruce sighed. "One, two, three!" They both ran straight ahead and into the door. Bruce toppled backward and Eddie flew back to his spot on the floor.

"Ow."

"Yeah. Ow."

* * *

Harvey was having no luck finding clues in the hotel room and having even less luck trying to get the three stooges to help. Jonathan looked around sadly for his phone while Jervis tried to take a nap on the couch. Joker was parked in a chair across the room, mumbling to himself. "Can one of you lunatics please help me?"

"After I find my phone and call Sage to let her know I'm alright."

"I just need an hour to sleep this off."

Harvey looked at Joker who was still mumbling. "Well?"

Joker snapped his attention back to the room. "What?"

"Are you going to help me or not?"

"I'm trying to remember Thursday."

"And?"

"I don't remember much after getting into the car."

"Aha!" Jonathan cried springing up from the floor with his phone held triumphantly in the air. "I hope the battery has some life in it."

"Good for you," Harvey replied sarcastically.

"Battery is good!"

"Wonderful."

"Sage? It's me."

"Johnny? Oh my god I've been so worried! What is going on?" Sage cried through the phone.

"I was hoping you could shed some light on that."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm in Las Vegas with Harvey, Jervis, and Joker. We have no clue why we're here…"

"Because Harley came here with Edward!" Joker yelled.

"Ok, Joker is here chasing Harley but the rest of us aren't sure why we followed him and we have no clue what happened Thursday night or Friday."

"Really?" Sage whispered something away from the phone.

"Who's with you?"

"I'm at the Iceberg sitting next to Scarlet and Oswald. The story is similar here. It's like everyone that was at the roller rink Thursday has amnesia or can only remember bits and pieces."

"The same thing is happening in Gotham," Jonathan informed the group.

"The only person who can remember anything is Holly and that's only because she never made it there. She had to run to the Iceberg because Killer Croc was here and the waitresses were freaking out."

"Ask her who all is in Gotham," Harvey told him as he listened in on the phone.

"Who all is in Gotham?"

"Alice, me, Holly, Scarlet, and Oswald that I know of."

Harvey grabbed the phone from Jonathan's hand and said "Is Holly there with you?"

"She's behind the bar."

"Put her on." He waited as Scarlet sprinted across the dining room and handed Holly the phone. He heard her protest a little until Scarlet assured her it was Harvey.

"It's like a ghost town in here," Holly joked.

"Yeah well it's like the twilight zone out here."

"Yeah Selina said something earlier about memory loss. I thought she was full of it until Mr. Cobblepot and Scarlet came in singing the same tune and Sage was close behind. I still haven't heard from Alice but that's not all that unusual."

"When did you talk to Selina?"

"Probably a couple of hours ago. I wish I was more helpful to her."

"Who was with her?"

"Harley and Ivy but they had Eddie's phone. Is Eddie with you guys?"

"No. Were they here too?"

"Yup. So who is all with you? I just want all the information for when the next person calls."

"I have Jonathan, Jervis, and Joker."

"Why did you guys bust Joker out of prison?"

"You don't know?"

"Nope. Other than what the Tipster tells me I have no clue what happened Thursday night."

"That gives me an idea. Do you have your phone?"

"Always."

"Good. I may be calling you back later." Harvey hung up the phone and tossed it to Jonathan. "Don't lose that."

"Is Alice alright?" Jervis asked.

"Holly hasn't heard from her. But she did hear from Selina and Ivy and Harley are with her somewhere in Vegas. Eddie is MIA."

"I hope he's dead," Joker snapped.

"We all want to know what happened and Holly says the Tipster provided updates so we'll start with those and hopefully that'll lead us to the girls."

"Why should Jervis and I care about your girlfriend and her gal pals?" Jonathan asked.

"Well I don't know about your pockets but mine are empty and if we want to get back to Gotham we'll need money. The girls could have our wallets or at least the money for a flight home."

"Damn," he muttered under his breath.

"Exactly so shut up and do as I say."

* * *

"At least we know some maniac didn't drug us," Selina sighed scrolling for more helpful tipster updates.

"That's debatable," Harley snapped.

"Shut it blondie or I'll knock you out," Ivy warned.

"Girls, don't make me be the adult here."

Harley plopped down on the couch next to Selina silently while Ivy took the chair across from them.

"Ok, I've reached the party updates."

"So what happened?" Ivy asked.

"You, me, Harley, and Harvey showed up stoned out of our minds and then you infected everyone else."

"Obviously, but I meant what else happened?"

"Nothing good."

* * *

Thursday Night…

The mood in the cab had started out dour even though booze had started flowing before they left the apartment. Ivy and Selina weren't going to hide their disgust at being forced to roller skate with the Rogues while Harvey urged them to perk up and Harley bounced around in the front seat.

"She's really excited, just smile a little," he pleaded.

Ivy and Selina both forced a smile that most would describe as a maniacal grin and could very well make Batman take a step back.

"Ok, I said smile not channel the Joker."

"You get what you pay for," Selina replied through gritted teeth.

By the time they reached the roller rink the smiles were genuine and the mood was much lighter thanks to what Selina had dubbed, Ivy's roofie flower. Ivy bounced through the doors and laid a kiss on both of Jonathan's cheeks and hugged Sage while crying out "Hey girlfriend!"

Selina wasn't far behind slapping Johnny on the ass and embracing Sage as well.

"What the hell is up with those two?" Eddie whispered to Jervis over at the snack counter.

"No clue but best to steer clear of it," he replied.

"Agreed."

"Oh, crap."

Eddie looked up to see what Jervis was "Oh crap-ing" and dropped his drink on the floor. "Oh crap."

Harley was sprinting for him and before Eddie could properly prepare himself she was leaping through the air and on top of him.

"Hi Harley," Eddie managed from under her breasts which were smooshing his face.

"Hiya Eddums!" She jumped up and pulled him to his feet. "Where's Holly?"

Eddie tried to regain his composure before he replied, "At the Iceberg. Croc is making trouble and she had to put an end to it."

Waitresses never lasted long at the Iceberg. If they stayed past a year they were considered veterans, only Scarlet and Holly held the titles. Girls always wanted the jobs, it seems so glamorous hanging out with the big baddies of Gotham City but the second someone flipped a table they were out of there. Scarlet had lived in Gotham City her entire life. At 13 she was mugged on her way home from school, at 14 she had been present at a Scarecrow attack, at 16 she accidentally knocked Penguin unconscious during a heist, and at 18 she kicked Joker in the jewels without hesitation. When she went in to apply for the waitressing job, Oswald recognized her immediately and decided she could hold her own and she did except when it came to Croc.

Holly on the other hand was born and bred in Omaha Nebraska. While her and Alice were born girls, they were raised like boys and weren't afraid of a tussle. She moved to Gotham right out of high school and after a year and a half of working piss poor waitressing jobs she strutted into the Iceberg and asked for a position. Oswald told her no and watched her walk out of his office and through the bar area where Hugo Strange pinched her ass. Holly had him on the floor with her foot on his throat in a split second. Oswald quickly offered her the job. Her first night there Killer Croc started a fight with Clayface. Before Oswald was out of his office, Holly was in the fray pulling the two apart with promises of boots in ass's if they didn't sit down and behave themselves. From that point on, Killer Croc always respected Holly and did what she told.

So it was Holly who had to miss the night's festivities to wrestle Killer Croc into submission. Eddie was sad he couldn't go with her.

"Awe that's too bad…hic!" She clapped a hand over her mouth and giggled. "I have the…hic…hiccups!"

"I can see that." Eddie discreetly gave her a sniff. She didn't smell like she'd been rolling around in a bottle of rum but she certainly was acting like it.

Harley giggled more and rested her head on Eddie's shoulder. "It's ok, you can be my date tonight."

Eddie looked to Jervis for help but all he got was a smile and kissy noises.

* * *

Batman sat atop of a gargoyle perched on the roof across from the roller rink. He would like to say he was patrolling the situation. That many criminals in one spot, something was bound to happen. That is what he would tell someone if they asked but the truth was, he was watching Selina. Things had gotten away from him when they last spoke and he'd felt horrible. He spent most nights in the shadows on the roof across from her room watching her. Wondering if she knew.

"Conflicted you are," Nightwing said taking the ledge next to him.

"What?"

"I said, conflicted you are. Love her you do." He smiled at Batman who clearly was not getting the joke. "Oh come on! That was a spot on Yoda."

"I'll take your word for it."

"You've never seen Star Wars?"

Batman stared straight ahead at the doors of the rink as if he could see through them.

"I'm calling bullshit. Everyone's seen Star Wars."

"What do you want?"

"Just out patrolling. Saw you squatting here and thought I'd get in on the action but then I realized you haven't been in on the action in awhile so then I figured I'd give you shit about Selina."

"Go find a mugger."

"Plenty of time for that. The night is still young. So what are they all up to now?"

"Roller skating."

"I bet that is the funniest thing ever."

Batman grunted.

"You should ditch the cowl and go talk to her."

"Why?"

"Because you want to."

Batman opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by Oracle coming in over the com, "Hey boss, the Tipster just reported a Croc situation over at the Iceberg. It looks like he's causing quite the scene."

"Want some help?" Nightwing offered.

"Alright."

* * *

"No Mr. Cobblepot, everything is under control. Batman took care of it. I don't know what's going on with Croc, he's not usually like this. Some bug up his butt. Don't bother leaving. You and Scarlet deserve a night out." Holly rolled her eyes. "See you tomorrow." She hung up the phone and directed her attention back at the two men clad in black standing at the bar. "Thanks boys."

"Not a problem," Nightwing beamed.

"I don't know what is wrong with him. Any other night Croc sits at his table, eats his food, drinks his drink, chats and leaves. He hasn't had an outburst like this since I started working here."

"Did someone say anything to him?" Batman asked.

Holly shook her head. "Not that I know of. Lila, the waitress who just quit, she had his table when he came in and she said he was off the moment he walked through the door." She looked over at the poor sedated creature being hauled into the ambulance. "When I got here he was frothing at the mouth and when I told him to chill he lost it. He threw a table and started swinging busboys."

"The Tipster site says that before he showed up at the Iceberg he ran into Ivy at the carryout. He bought a pack of cigarettes and she was getting gum," Oracle chirped over the com. "Maybe she set him off."

"Croc had a run in with Ivy earlier tonight," Batman repeated to Nightwing and Holly.

"Well, that would certainly rile him up but not like this," Holly replied.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean he wants to bone her."

Batman turned. "We're done here."

* * *

The hotel…

"Everyone is acting goofy. Jervis flashes random people, something I'm happy I can't remember oh wait, there's a picture. Wonderful. Alice and Sage doing body shots off…damn it! It's me." Selina groaned and continued on. "Harvey hugging Johnny and…"

"What?" Ivy asked peering over Selina's shoulder. "Oh!"

"What?" Harley was nervous. She jumped up and tried to peek at the Tipster update but Selina wouldn't let her.

"My!" Selina cried.

"What?" Harley leaned forward over the back of the couch trying to get the phone. Finally she flipped over, knocked the phone out of Selina's hand with her foot, and quickly read the text. "God!"

* * *

Harley dragged Eddie over to the table where Ivy, Selina, and Harvey had gathered along with Jonathan and Sage who were now sporting the same silly grin as the rest of them. The uneasiness Eddie felt quickly melted away into euphoria. Pretty soon everyone was in a state of mellow that hadn't been seen since the 70's.

Selina took up residence on Ivy's lap and even purred as Ivy stroked her hair. Harley was sprawled out on Eddie and Jervis's laps even allowing Jervis to play with her feet, Alice and Sage were pulling Oswald and Johnny around the skating floor. The other patrons of Gotham Skate seemed to be having just as much fun as the rambunctious crew.

"Why don't we do this more often?" Scarlet asked as she ran her fingers through Harvey's hair.

"I don't know," Ivy replied with a giggle. "Know is a fun word."

"Nnnnnnoooooooo!" Selina bellowed.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!" Oswald howled as he fell onto his ass.

"See! Ozzie likes it too," Ivy said pointing to where Oswald used to be standing.

"I need a drink!" Harley announced jumping up from Eddie's lap and kicking Jervis in the face. "Sorry Hatty."

"I'm going with you!" Eddie announced quickly bouncing behind Harley.

"Diet and vodka," Harley told the man behind the snack counter.

He eyed her disapprovingly and then changed his mind after she slapped a $10 on the counter and told him to keep the change.

Eddie grabbed her by the waist and planted a sloppy kiss on her.

Her eyes rolled about her head like a cartoon character for a second and when she gained her composure she kissed him back.

Selina watched the whole event happen and in the back of her mind she recognized trouble but her good mood wouldn't let her voice her concern or give it anymore thought.

* * *

The girls' hotel…

"Ok, we made out a little. It happens when you're friend drugs you," Harley snapped.

"Can we move past the part where I drugged us?" Ivy begged.

"Nope."

"Harley, drop it," Selina warned. "And try to remember what happened between you and Eddie in the locker room."

"Wait…what?"

* * *

"Let's go over here," Eddie whispered pulling Harley into the secluded locker area. He pushed her up against the wall and resumed his lip-assault. Not that she was complaining. After a minute he pulled away leaving her whimpering. "Can I tell you a secret?"

She nodded vigorously, "Uh huh."

"Jervis bought Alice a ring."

"They're getting married?"

"Yup."

Harley snorted. "Losers."

"Holly doesn't know."

"I won't tell her."

"What if she wants to get married too?"

"You don't want to marry her?"

"I do…but…I don't know."

"You'd marry me but you don't want to marry the woman you're in love with?" Harley laughed. "You're more screwed up than I thought."

"Why didn't we get married?"

"I was in love with Joker and you were in love with Holly."

"Are you still in love with him?"

"He doesn't love me."

"But do you love him?"

"Love him? Yes. Always and forever. Nothing will ever change that. In love with him? No. Not anymore and never again." A tear started to form in her eye but she quickly blinked it away.

"I love Holly."

"I know."

"Let's get married."

Harley's eyes went wide and her mind raced trying to grasp what he was saying. "Crazy ass says what?"

"Las Vegas. You. Me. Right now."

"Insane. You are insane and maybe drunk. You love Holly."

"I know but she's…and I'm…"

"I thought you gave it up."

"Who ever really gives it up? You may give up alcohol but deep down you're always an alcoholic."

"I'm not following anything that is happening right now."

"Do you love me?"

"Of course."

"Are you in love with me?"

"No."

"I'm not in love with you either but you and I we make sense."

"When you're drinking."

"No. I don't want to be alone. You don't want to be alone. It's a beautiful night and we're looking for something dumb to do…"

"Those are lyrics to a song."

"Doesn't matter."

Harley shook her head and laughed. This was nuts…even for their world. "What'll keep us together?"

He shrugged. "Nothing."

What was the big deal? They get hitched. It doesn't work out they get unhitched. Holly. There was the big deal. She would be crushed and…and…Harley's mind couldn't finish that thought. Crushed. Holly would be sad but chances were her and Eddie wouldn't work out anyway and she'd still be sad.

"So?" Eddie pressed.

"Sew buttons."

"What the hell does…"

"Let's do it."

"Really?"

"What the hell?"

* * *

Back at the boys' hotel…

"I have Harley and Eddie ducking into the locker room as the last Tipster update with those two," Harvey announced to the boys.

"What does it say?" Jervis asked.

"Harley and Eddie canoodling in the locker room? Can someone say high school?" Harvey read.

"And nothing else?"

"Nope."

"Why would they come to Vegas?"

"To get hitched!" Joker yelled. "He's trying to take Harley from me!"

Johnny finally cracked. It was enough. He lunged across the room and onto Joker where he wrapped his thin hands around Joker's neck and squeezed with every fiber of strength he had. "You stupid…asinine…ghostly….bastard!"

"Jonathan is choking Joker," Jervis told Harvey.

"I'm aware."

"Are you going to stop him?"

"I'm going to see where he's going with this."

"You twist that girl's mind for your pleasure. You drag her into our world. You play games with her head. You tell her you love her and then you take it back and now you accuse someone of stealing her from you? She's. Not. Yours!"

"Ok, let's pull him off," Harvey sighed getting up and crossing the room. He grabbed Johnny by the back of the neck and pulled him off the wheezing clown. "Don't thank me."

"How do we know they came here?" Jervis asked.

"Tipster has a picture of them at the airport by a gate that says Las Vegas Nevada," Harvey explained.

"It all seems so random."

"I'm still going to kill him," Joker mumbled.

"If you haven't already."

"Good point."

* * *

Thursday night…

"Where are Harley and Eddie going?" Scarlet asked.

"They're getting snacks," Selina answered.

"No they're walking out the door."

Ivy and Selina both snapped their attention to the door where they caught a glimpse of Harley's shoe as she and Eddie bolted for the street. "Oh crap!" they said in unison. Ivy had her phone out first and she frantically dialed Harley's number.

"Hiya Red!" Harley called through the phone.

"Where are you?"

"In a cab. Don't worry. I'm with Eddie."

"Yeah that's not really comforting. Where are you going?"

"Las Vegas! Gotta go!"

Ivy slipped the phone back into her purse and carefully pushed Selina off her lap. "We need to go."

"Where?"

"Las Vegas."

"What?"

"I'll explain in the cab." She grabbed Selina by the arm and pulled her toward the door.

"Good thing I'm not wearing my skates!" Selina joked.

"Where're they going?" Harvey asked as he rejoined the table after his bathroom break.

"Las Vegas," Sage answered.

"I see. Why?"

"Following Harley and Eddie."

Harvey nodded.

"Going after them?" Alice asked.

"Not yet. I want to see how this plays out."

* * *

"Ready to call it a night?" Nightwing asked as he and Batman dropped back down to their spot on the roof across from the roller rink. "You could slip out of that costume, into a suit, and actually go talk to Selina."

"You'd have to meet her at the airport," Barbara chirped over the com.

"Are you eavesdropping?" Nightwing asked.

"No. Are you an ass?"

"Why is Selina at the airport?" Batman grunted silencing them both.

"Her and Ivy got into a cab about twenty minutes ago heading toward the airport. Looks like Harley Quinn and Riddler are there," Barbara explained.

"Rogue trip to Vegas?" Nightwing laughed. "Zany adventures ensue."

"I'm going to the airport."

* * *

"Um…uh….Mr. Joker sir?" a small weak man said timidly as he approached Joker's cell. His name was Jiminy, or at least that is what Joker named him, and he was in for armed robbery. A last ditch attempt to scrounge up some money to keep his dying mother in the hospital. It failed. She died. He was here. The guards didn't mind him much. He wasn't a real criminal like most of the men in that wing so he was able to walk around pretty freely.

"Yes?" Joker asked with no interest.

"I uh…um…that is…I…"

"Spit it out cricket!"

"I got this phone here from one of the guards and I thought you should see this." He slowly dropped the cell phone through the bars and into Joker's hand.

Joker sighed, flipped open the text messages, and read the newest Tipster update. "Roller skating? Happy I'm here and…wait…what the hell?" He shot up in his cot and threw the sheets onto the floor. "That sneaky little shit. That disgusting cockroach! That Loreal blonde bitch!" He angrily stabbed the numbers on the phone hoping his memory wasn't failing him.

* * *

"Is that a flower in your breast pocket?" Jervis teased pointing to the bright blue flower sticking out of Harvey's pocket.

He looked down curiously. "Huh. I don't remember putting that there. Pammy must've slipped it in."

"That's sweet," Sage cooed.

"Yeah. So sweet I'm going to…who the hell is calling me?" Harvey pulled his phone out. "Seriously. Who the hell is this?" he answered.

"It's me!" Joker yelled through the phone. "What the hell is going on? Why is Harley boarding a plane with that Joker wannabe?"

"Don't worry. Pammy and Selina are going to the airport right now to stop them."

"I'm not worried I'm pissed!"

"Somebody missed their nap and now they're cranky," Harvey teased.

"What is wrong with you? Are you high?"

"No. I'm having a good night." He pulled the phone away from his ear as Joker made a ruckus in his cell. "Keep creating all that noise and you're going to get your butt thrown into solitary."

Frustrated scream.

"You know what Jack? I'm going to help you out. Sit tight little buddy." Harvey snapped the phone closed and shoved it back into his pocket. "Jervis, Johnny, you up for a ride?"

* * *

The boy's hotel…

"Are you sure it was my idea to come get you?" Harvey asked for millionth time. "That seems really out of my character."

"I'm telling you! You said you were going to help me out and then you three showed up stoned out of your minds."

"I don't think we were stoned."

"No, I would say we were," Jonathan interjected. "Why else would we agree to help this ass?"

Harvey patted his breast pocket hoping to find cigarettes but instead he felt something small and round. He pulled out a fuzzy pea and eyed it suspiciously. He scrolled back through the Tipster updates. Thursday night he had a flower in his pocket, one that matched Ivy's flower in her hair. He didn't have it there when he left the apartment or when he got to the skating rink. There was a picture of Ivy resting her head on his chest and there was the flower in the next picture. "Fuck."

"What?" Jervis asked nervously.

"We were stoned."

"We were?"

"Yup."

"How do you know?" Joker questioned.

Harvey held up the fuzzy pea. "We were Ivy stoned."

* * *

Thursday night…

"We really need to be on that flight," Selina whined. They had just missed Harley and Eddie's flight and managed to cross the airport to catch the rival airlines flight to Vegas only to have the ticket Nazi behind the counter tell them the flight was sold out.

"Is there a man around we can speak with?" Ivy asked knowing damn well she could not only get a seat on this flight but the whole damned plane if she wanted if there was a man.

"Sorry. No," the ticket Nazi snapped.

"What about stand-by?"

"Sold. Out."

Selina smacked her head against the counter. "When is your next flight to Las Vegas?"

"Saturday morning."

"Fuck me!"

"I need three tickets for your flight to Las Vegas," a man said from behind them.

"Good luck buddy. Ticket bitch says they're sold out."

"Of course Mr. Wayne. I have three first class seats available."

Ivy and Selina looked at each other and then turned around to see it was in fact Bruce Wayne standing behind them.

"Selina, Ivy," he greeted.

"This is surreal," Ivy laughed.

"We really really need two tickets on this flight," Selina told him. "Harley is…"

"Is on a flight to Vegas right now with Eddie and god only knows what they will do when they land," he finished.

"Yes."

"I know." The ticket bitch handed him his three tickets and he handed two to Selina. "Shall we?"

"Oh no buddy. We don't need help."

"Shut up. He's buying our tickets and he has money. We need his help," Ivy snapped.

* * *

"Whoops," Harvey said as he surveyed the damage he, Jervis, and Jonathan had done to the prison.

Joker stared at the three of them and shook his head. "And I thought Harley was sloppy."

Harvey shrugged. "In the car kids. We have a flight to catch."

"I need to change first."

"Why?" Jervis asked.

"Because boarding a plane in an inmate jumpsuit just seems a little ridiculous!"

"Fine. We'll stop at Clowns R' Us for you," Harvey joked.

"You are all in some weird ass mood."

"It's called a good mood," Jonathan replied.

"Why do I have a feeling I am going to die in this car tonight?"

"It's a good possibility," Harvey said matter of factly.

"Wonderful."

* * *

"Why are you here?" Selina asked after everyone had settled into their seats.

"I'm helping," Bruce answered.

"Why?"

"Because we left things on a really bad note last time we spoke and I want to prove to you I'm not a total dick."

Selina nodded. "You kind of are though."

"Yeah well you're kind of a bitch."

She started laughing and he joined her. Suddenly everything just seemed funny and Bruce felt a little light headed.

* * *

"There isn't another flight to Vegas until Saturday," Jonathan announced to the car.

"Great!" Joker cried.

"Do we know anyone with a plane?" Harvey asked.

"Does Bruce Wayne have a plane?" Jervis called out.

"Yes but he seems to be going to the airport," Jonathan answered.

"Turn here!" Joker yelled pointing at a side street.

Harvey turned the wheel hard putting the car on two wheels as it made the right turn.

"I think I'm going to throw up," Jervis confessed.

"Where we going little buddy?" Harvey questioned.

"Little buddy? What am I? Gilligan?" Joker raised an eyebrow.

"Yes and I'm the skipper."

"Wonderful. Make a left up here."

"Where the hell are you directing me to?"

"The Waldorf Hotel."

"Why?"

"Lex."

"I'm not having sex with you," Harvey said firmly.

"I wasn't offering. I said Lex. L-E-X."

"Luthor?"

"The one and only…well on this planet."

"Why Lex Lu…oh I get it."

"Yup."

* * *

"Who's that?" Talia asked as she pulled a sheet around herself.

"I don't know. Would it be your father?"

"Why would my father be knocking on our door?"

"Beats me."

"Well go answer it."

Lex begrudgingly got out of bed and marched out of the bedroom, through the main room, to the door. He checked to make sure nothing was poking out of his boxer shorts and opened the door.

"Lex!" Jervis, Joker, Jonathan, and Harvey cried.

"Who is it?" Talia called.

"The four horsemen of the apocalypse," he replied.

"We need a favor," Joker started.

"What do you mean the apocalypse?" Talia asked joining him at the door. "Oh."

"Hey Tally," the men greeted.

"What do you want?"

"A favor," Lex answered.

"What kind of favor?"

"We need your plane," Joker answered.

"Oh yeah no. That's not happening," Lex informed them. "Goodnight gentlemen. I use the term loosely." He started to close the door but Joker pushed Jervis in the way.

"Ow," Jervis groaned.

"Take one for the team buddy," Joker told him. "We need to go to Vegas."

"You keep saying need but I don't see any real need here," Lex replied.

"No, you see, Harley ran off to Vegas with Edward."

"And?"

"And I need to get her back."

"I thought you didn't love her."

"I don't! Or I do. It's a little hard to explain right now."

"Well, good luck with that." Lex tried harder to shut the door but Jervis was still in the way. "How do I make you leave?"

"By giving us your plane."

"Ask Bruce Wayne. You all seem to be friends."

"We can't, he's already on a flight to Vegas," Harvey explained.

"Whys is he going to Vegas?" Talia asked.

"We presume he's assisting Ivy and Selina."

Talia shook her head. "I'm going back to bed. Get rid of these morons and join me."

"If you give us your plane we'll go away," Joker promised.

"Look…" Lex began. He was cut off by Talia's robe falling onto his head.

Jervis, Jonathan, Joker, and Harvey all watched her walk back to the bedroom naked.

"Congratulations by the way. She's crazy but she's hot," Jonathan said.

"Gotham Airfield, hanger 12. The pilot will meet you there." Lex shoved Jervis out of the doorway and slammed the door in their faces.

"See, easy," Joker beamed.


	27. Last Friday Night

Author's Note: I'm bad. I know.

* * *

Harvey, Joker, Jonathan, and Jervis sat silently wracking their brains out trying to remember what happened after they touched down in Las Vegas. So far, the only thing they knew for certain was they got ice cream.

"I swear to god Jervis if you fart one more time," Joker warned.

"I'm sorry! I'm lactose intolerant! It had to be ice cream. It's the only thing that makes me this bad," Jervis whined.

Harvey wondered how hard it would be on his own. He didn't need this. Maybe he'd take Jonathan with him. Oh, no, Jonathan just threw up; he had to stay behind with the rejects. He could hitchhike back to Gotham. Or just carjack someone. It was settled. He got up off the couch and started for the door when Jervis groaned and Joker lunged for him. "Fuck my life," Harvey cursed. He turned around and pulled the clown off the poor gassy little man. "Knock it off Jack. More than likely he's in this situation because of you."

"When was the last time I tied someone down and force fed them ice cream?" Joker protested.

"February '97, Victor Fries."

"I don't remember….wait….yeah I did."

"What I wouldn't give to be with anyone else in the world," Harvey muttered.

"Being with you is no picnic either."

"You know what? You three are on your own. Kill each other, lay here and cry, or jump out the damned window." Harvey grabbed his coat off the couch and headed for the door, this time 100% committed to leaving.

"But how will we get home?" Jervis cried.

"Frankly Hatter, I don't give a damn." He slammed the door. It was like a million pounds had been lifted off his shoulders. He got on the elevator and by the time he hit the lobby he was whistling a little tune.

"Good evening Mr. Dent. It's nice to see you," the concierge said cheerfully.

"Hi, uh...um...sorry I'm blanking on the name."

"Kenneth sir. Are you feeling alright? I know Mrs. Dent was looking a little ill this afternoon."

Harvey stopped mid step and turned back to the desk. "Mrs. Dent?"

"Yes, that's right. She, Mrs. Wayne, and Miss Quinn were all down here a little while ago for dinner."

"Mrs. Dent?" He repeated. "Mrs. Wayne? Miss Quinn is the only thing that makes sense."

"I'm sorry?"

"Was one of these women a redhead with an hourglass figure, and the best set of legs you've ever seen?"

Kenneth adjusted his tie and blushed. "Mrs. Dent, yes."

"And Mrs. Wayne, tall busty brunette?"

Kenneth nodded.

"And of course Miss Quinn is the bubbly blonde with the tight ass."

"Sir!"

"You try and describe them."

"Well those are the women. They were with you and your friends last night."

"What room is my wife in?"

"Your room of course."

"What room is that?"

"Penthouse 3."

"Nope, that's where I just left."

"Perhaps in Mr. Wayne's suite?"

"What number is that?"

"Penthouse 1."

"In this hotel?"

"Why of course."

"Really? Really?" Harvey yelled.

"Are you alright?"

"You know what? No. No I'm not alright. God has a really twisted sense of humor. Thanks for the help Kenny."

"Kenneth sir."

"Thanks for the help, assface." Harvey got back on the elevator and headed upstairs.

* * *

"I have to pee," Harley chirped making a beeline for the bathroom.

"Thanks for the update," Selina sighed.

"Just sharing with you. Hey! I found a receipt!"

"For where?" Ivy asked rushing over to the bathroom door.

"Viva Las Vegas!"

"Hurry up and pee! We're going!"

Harley did as she was told and a second later they were all rushing for the door. "Does that receipt have an address on it?" Ivy asked as she opened the door and ran straight into Harvey's chest. "Oof!"

"Hello Mrs. Dent," he greeted.

"Harvey!" Ivy cried wrapping her arms around his neck. "I'm so happy to see you."

"Me too. But why is everyone calling you Mrs. Dent? And why are you Mrs. Wayne?"

"Why is anything anything?" Selina asked.

"Good point."

"Are you all by yourself?" Harley asked.

"Nope, as a matter of fact…" Harvey took Ivy's hand and gestured for the rest to follow him. He knocked on the door two rooms down and Joker opened it. "Look what I have, an Ivy, a Selina, and a MISS Harley Quinn." Harvey ushered them all in and closed the door behind him.

"What happened? Little twit wise up and leave you at the alter?" Joker hissed.

"No!" Harley yelled back. "Well…I don't think he did."

Joker smirked.

"I'll have you know I may have had sex with William Shatner!"

"I thought we agreed that no one did anything with the Shat," Selina sighed.

"What about William Shatner?" Jervis asked perking up.

"It's a long story. Or maybe it isn't. I honestly don't know," Ivy answered.

"I'm a little worried," Harvey confessed.

"We all are."

"What do you guys know?" Selina asked.

"We broke Joker out of jail so he could follow Harley and Eddie," Jonathan replied. "You?"  
"Ivy, Bruce, and I followed Harley and Eddie here."

Everyone turned and looked at Harley.

"I was drugged and drunk. You can't blame me for what happened," Harley snorted.

"We just found a receipt for Viva Las Vegas and we were on our way there. It looks like the first place we would've gone after we landed," Selina explained.

"What is it?" Harvey questioned.

"A wedding chapel," Joker answered glaring at Harley.

"Well we have a Mrs. Wayne and a Mrs. Dent here so it might be one of them and don't you give me that look! You don't love me!"

"You're right. You're free to boff ever Tom, Eddie, and William Shatner you like!"

"Who's Tom?"

"I just picked a random name!"

"You're an ass!" Harley yelled.

"Well apparently you're a whor…"

Harvey clamped his hand over Joker's mouth to stop him from finishing his thought. Unfortunately, all that did was hold him in place so Harley could give him a swift kick to the family jewels.

Joker's eyes bugged out of his head as his legs turned to jelly and he fell to the floor, hands firmly grasping the package between his legs.

"Sorry, I had no idea she'd go for your junk," Harvey told him.

Joker only whimpered.

"That was the best part of this trip," Jonathan said with a smile.

"Anyone have a phone?" Jervis asked.

"I got the picture," Selina answered. "I'll send it to you when we get back to Gotham."

"You can all go to Hell and die. In that order," Joker wheezed.

* * *

"Hi!" Selina greeted with all the fake cheer she could muster.

The desk clerk at Viva Las Vegas eyed her suspiciously and then turned his attention to the large, strange group behind her. "Hi."

"I have kind of an odd question…funny really," she laughed a little. "We can't remember much of last night and…"

"The blonde was here with a tall scrawny fellow. They were about to go in for the ceremony when you, the redhead, and a guy in a suit busted in. Blondie and her boyfriend took off and your group was hot on their tail. I told you last night and I'm telling you again, no refunds. All ceremonies are final whether you go thru with it or not. Annulments are extra," the clerk grumbled.

"Oh..ok…thank you," Selina stammered.

"That all?"

"Um, no, do you by chance know where we went next?"

"Red there got a phone call and said something about the Venetian."

"Crap. Thanks." The group walked out of the chapel and out into the parking lot.

"Well that was semi-helpful," Ivy muttered.

"At least no one got married," Selina offered.

"At least not there. There's how many other late night chapels in this hole," Harvey grunted.

"Thank you for being so optimistic."

Harvey snorted.

"We need to figure out what happened next," Jonathan announced.

"Got any ideas Johnny?" Selina asked.

"What's the deal with this William Shatner stuff?"

"He was an actor on Star Trek, lets leave it there," Ivy warned.

"He might have some insight on what happened," Jonathan pushed.

"I don't want his insight."

"I'm not so sure I want it either," Harvey agreed eyeing Ivy.

"Do you really think I humped TJ Hooker?"

"Look, we were all drunk and drugged up, I'm sure we all did things we're not proud of…" Harvey began cautiously.

"And out of the three of us," Ivy yelled gesturing toward Selina and Harley, "you think I had sex with William Shatner?"

Harvey started to back away from her. Clearly he had gone down the wrong road here.

"I would be pointing the finger at that one," Ivy snorted pointing to Selina.

"Whoa! Why me?" Selina cried.

"Why not? You bone Batman."

"I have…we….that is….if anyone had sex with Bill its Harley!"

Harley squeaked in protest.

"Joker, Riddler, clearly she has bad taste in men."

"Hey!" Joker huffed.

"Oh don't pretend you're Prince Charming," Jervis spat.

Joker took a swing at Jervis and that was the end of the small order they had. Harvey tried to pull Jervis out of the fray but Ivy got a hold of Harvey first which in turn set Two-Face off on her. Meanwhile, Selina and Harley started bickering while Jonathan tried to mediate. After he told them they were both being ridiculous, they turned on him. As Joker shoved Jervis's face into pavement he saw Jonathan pulling back to take a swing at Harley. He grabbed Johnny by the ankle and pulled him to the ground.

"Were you really about to hit my Harley?" Joker asked.

"She's (I'm) not your Harley!" the group yelled in unison.

"Alright! This is enough! We're tracking down Shatner and solving the mystery of what the hell happened right now!" Selina ordered.

* * *

"I feel like we've been in here for days," Eddie moaned.

"We may very well have been," Bruce sighed.

""I'm hungry."

"I know."

"I'm thirsty."

"I know."

"I want to see Holly."

"I. Know."

"I'm probably driving you crazy."

"More than you know."

"What are you going to do when you get out of here?"

"Kill you," Bruce thought. "I don't know."

"Are you and Selina a thing again?"

"I don't want to talk about Selina."

"Oh come on! What else do we have to talk about?"

"We can be quiet."

"You're an ass."

"I'm sorry I'm not shitting sunshine and rainbows but I'm not exactly excited about being trapped in a dark closet with you."

"Better than being trapped in a dark closet with Joker."

"I'll give you that."

"Hmph, Joker," Eddie snorted.

"Want to talk about it sport?" Bruce said sarcastically.

"That guy is a real piece of work."

"I didn't mean we should actually talk about it. See, I was using sarcasm."

"Harley and I were happy. We weren't in love but we were happy and he just comes in…"

"And takes her away blah blah blah. I was there, I know. And I also know that you were following Holly around like the sun was shinning out her ass so don't start."

"I feel like this whole closet situation is Joker's fault."

"That I can get behind."

"I smell like Harley."

Bruce rolled his eyes. "I don't understand you people."

"No, really, I smell like her perfume. It's all over my shirt."

Bruce reluctantly leaned over and sniffed Eddie's shirt. It did in fact have the distinct smell of Harley's cupcake body spray. "It does."

"I remember her being at the skating party."

"Probably where you picked it up."

"No this smells fairly fresh. She must've been with us before we got locked in the closet." Eddie sniffed his shirt again. He could see Harley snuggled up on his chest. The memory was blurry, faint, like a dream but it was still there. He closed his eyes and tried to remember more. She was lying on his chest but it was an awkward angle…she was sitting next to him. There was an armrest between them and a low humming. The floor was a cheap blue carpet. Everything was jostled for a second like they had hit a bump only he wasn't driving. "We were on a plane!" he cried triumphantly.

"What?"

"Harley and I were on a plane. She was lying on my chest."

"Where were you going?"

"I can't remember that part. All I can remember was her cuddling with me."

"Think harder."

Eddie closed his eyes and buried his nose in his shirt. Bits and pieces came to him. Harley lying all over him at the skating party, someone's red lips pulling away from his mouth with a satisfied smile, Harley's lips actually. Eddie smiled to himself. "I can remember some of the party, mostly just what Harley and I were doing."

"That's fine we'll start there, what happened?"

"I'm not sure, she was hanging on me, we might've kissed…"

"What is it with this girl? You all want her, leave her, and then obsess over her."

"I can remember bits and pieces of the airport…"

Bruce thought about what Eddie was telling him and suddenly he realized where they were. "We're in Las Vegas."

"What?"

"You and Harley jumped on a plane to Vegas. Selina and Ivy chased after you and I went along."

"You remember?"

"Just everything that happened before we got on the plane. It's a bit fuzzy but that's what happened."

"So Harley, Selina, and Ivy are somewhere in Vegas too?"

"Most likely."

"Harvey probably followed Ivy here."

"I would say that's a safe bet."

"Why would Harley and I come to Vegas?"

"Think about that Riddler."

Eddie tried to think of a reason he'd want to visit the neon wonder and then it hit him. "Shit…am I married?"

"I can't answer that riddle."

"I don't want to ever leave this closet."

"Why not?"

"Joker is going to kill my ass."

* * *

William Shatner was not staying at the Venetian hotel and after an hour of searching the group discovered he was checked into the Hard Rock under the name Jim T. Hooker…not very clever. The front desk clerk was very helpful with looking up Bill's room number, after Harvey, Johnny, Jervis, and Joker persuaded him of course. They all crammed into an elevator and headed up to the penthouse suites.

"What if he's not here?" Jervis asked.

"What if he's dead?" Selina added.

"What if pigs shot out my nose?" Joker smiled at them but no one was finding him funny today…not that they usually did.

Harley knocked on the door of the suite in question.

"Yes?" William Shatner yelled.

"Um…Hi, Mr. Shatner?"

"What?"

"I don't know if you remember me but my name is Harley…"

William Shatner opened the door and snatched Harley up in a hug. "Quinny!"

Joker's smile quickly hit the floor and his fists started shaking. Harvey acted quickly, he hit the down button on the elevator and when the doors opened shoved Joker in it and hit all the buttons. The doors quickly closed and he was gone.

"Nice," Ivy said impressed.

"It's all about quick thinking," Harvey replied happy they were once again speaking.

"Oh I see the whole group is here, come on in!" Bill cried happily. "I was sorry I left so early this morning but I had this interview for some sci-fi magazine. You know how it is."

Harley nodded…she had no clue what he was talking about.

"Anyway, I went back to the hotel after the photo shoot and you were all gone. I was hoping you didn't jet back to Gotham."

"We're still here," Harvey interjected. "And we actually have a weird request."

"You see, things are kind of hazy from last night and we're not sure what happened," Selina finished.

"I'm not surprised. You guys were messed up when we started partying. Where's Joker?" Shatner asked.

Harvey checked his watch. "Basement probably."

"I see. Well, where would you like me to begin?"

"How about where and at what time we ran into you and who all was there."

"Not a problem well it was Friday night around midnight…"

* * *

Friday. Midnight…ish.

Harley, Ivy, and Selina ran pass the bouncer standing in the doorway of Club Dynamo with waves and blown kisses. Hot on their tail was Joker followed by Jonathan, Jervis, and Harvey bringing up the rear. While three attractive women can pull off jumping a line, men cannot. Especially rogue men in Vegas. The beefy bouncer stepped in front of the door and Joker nearly bounced off the man's chest.

"Where you going?" the bouncer asked, arms folded across his chest, sunglasses on even though it was night.

"I need to follow that blonde!" Joker yelled back.

"That sounds a little stalkerish."

"No, you don't understand!"

"I don't think I want to."

"No, no, no! You see, she was my doctor at Arkham Asylum," Joker began.

An eyebrow shot up above the sunglasses. "Stop. Just stop."

"And I kind of made her fall in love with me and she broke me out and started a life of crime with me."

"You can really stop."

"Ok, so we're in this crazy relationship…"

Jonathan laughed. "Crazy? Try Nuckin futs! So he throws her out constantly and she always shacks up with her gal pal, the red head, and you know what they're up to."

"Are not," Harvey grunted.

"Oh you know they have some girl love."

"That would be hot," Jervis added.

"Not important!" Joker cried. "Now, ok, yes I tossed her out and treated her poorly but then she ups and leaves and yes she moves in with Ivy and then Selina joins them so it's this whole woman fest."

"The blonde and the redhead? Really?" the bouncer asked.

"Oh yeah," Jonathan replied.

"Shut up and listen! She leaves me and goes all Carrie Bradshaw with her gal pals there and…"

"Carrie Bradshaw? Like you watch Sex and the City," Harvey laughed.

"Stop interrupting me!" Joker whined. "Then this skinny little snot steals her! He just asks her out, romances her, and then he asks her to marry him! She says yes and that's when Ivy and Selina start plotting to get her back for me. Long story short…"

"Too late," the bouncer sighed.

"She ditches Eddie, that's the skinny little snot, at the alter…"

"But Joker, that's him, is in Hawaii with Ivy. Not romantically, they hate each other. So he has no idea Harley stopped her wedding for him!" Jervis added excitedly.

"Doing fine on my own! Yes, I wasn't there and Ivy knows the whole time but I won't let her tell me but finally she does so we race back to Gotham…"

"Now your pasty complexion makes sense, you're that Joker."

"Anyway, race back to Gotham, I tell her I love her…"

"The first time he ever says it to her!" Jervis squealed.

"What is wrong with you?" Joker asked.

"I don't know. I'm extra giddy."

"Ok then. I tell her I love her and…"

"How long you been with this chick?" the bouncer asked.

"Um, I don't know…"

"Close to ten years," Harvey answered.

"Close to ten years and you never told her you loved her? What is wrong with you?"

"It was implied!" Joker retorted.

"You're lucky she stayed with your clown ass."

"She did and that's not the story at hand. So some time goes by and we're happy. Then this magazine, this stupid evil magazine comes out and says I can't love. I don't have the ability to. Well what do I know right? I start thinking…"

"Man you didn't did you?"

"I told her I didn't love her."

"Fool what is wrong with you. I oughta kick your ass."

"I did some more thinking now and I do love her which is why I'm here! I followed her to stop her from marrying Eddie…again."

"This dude Eddie love her?"

"No, he's in love with Holly the bartender."

"Holly love him?"

"She did but she might be rather pissed off at him now," Harvey joked.

"Ya'll are twisted."

"He loves the redhead," Joker said pointing to Harvey.

"Basically married," Harvey told him pointing to the ring.

"Congrats man. I'm happily married myself. Tanya, she's a lawyer. Going on fifteen years now."

"That's nice."

"Can I get in or not?" Joker hissed.

"No. You're an idiot."

Inside the club, Ivy, Selina, and Harley were at the bar giggling and panting. Ivy pushed the hair out of her face and calmed down from her laughing fit. "That was close."

"They almost had us," Selina agreed.

"Can we get three Cosmos down here?" Harley called to the bartender.

"Sure thing sweetheart," he replied with a wink sending the girls into another round of giggles.

"So what do we do now?" Selina asked.

"We hide out here, drink, and see where life takes us," Ivy answered.

"What about the boys?" Harley asked.

"Hopefully they stay locked out."

Harley took a step back and bumped into the guy next to her. "Whoopsie. Sorry."

"Quite alright, no harm done," he replied with a smile.

"Do I know you?"

"I don't think so."

"You look super familiar," Selina joined in.

"Oh, well you may recognize me from TV. I'm William Shatner."

"Holy crap it's Captain Kirk!" Ivy cried.

"Yes, I played Captain Jim Kirk on Star Trek, original series," he beamed.

"I liked you on Boston Legal. You were so horny and so hilarious and…you're hand is on my thigh," Harley said looking down.

"Sorry, I'm just being Denny Crane."

Harley laughed. "I love Denny!"

"Can I buy you ladies a drink?"

"We already have three coming," Selina replied.

"Rocko, put these ladies drinks on my tab."

"Sure thing Mr. Shatner."

"It's like being around a funnier, nicer, more perverted Oswald," Ivy joked.

"So you ladies know who I am but I didn't catch your names."

"Oh, well, I'm Selina, this is Ivy, and that is Harley Quinn."

"Pleasure. Well ladies, what are we doing tonight?"

Joker, Harvey, Jervis, and Jonathan were huddled up in the alley next to the club. "We need a plan," Joker announced to the group.

"We could kill the bouncer," Jervis offered.

"We don't want to draw too much attention to ourselves. This isn't Gotham. Arkham isn't waiting for our return here," Harvey replied.

Joker stuffed his gun back in his pocket and whistled an innocent tune.

"Why don't you call Ivy?" Jonathan inquired. "Tell her you're done with us and to get you in."

"She's mad at me."

"She's always mad at someone. Just try."

Harvey pulled out his phone and hit speed dial 1.

"Yes?" Ivy asked.

"Get me in."

"Why should I?"

"I'm done with these morons."

"I can here Joker snickering in the background."

"Who's that?" William Shatner asked.

"Who the fuck is that?" Two-Face growled.

"T.J. Hooker. Someone got testy fast," she teased.

"Damn it woman, get your ass out here and drag those other two with you."

"I don't take orders from men."

"Look Petunia, either you come out or I blast my way in there." He pulled out his glock and started heading back toward the door. Joker eagerly following him.

"Huff, puff, blow the damn house in for all I care."

"I'm counting to three."

"I'm surprised you can."

"One…"

"Yawn."

"Two!" He was standing in front of the door now.

"Look, go home dudes," the bouncer warned.

Two-Face aimed his gun and Joker took the spot next to him.

"Two and a half," Ivy mused.

"Three God damn it!" He started to fire along with Joker while Jervis and Johnny covered their ears. The line outside scattered and the bouncer jumped out of the way, taking a bullet to the leg as he went. Two-Face kicked the door in and the crowd inside ran for their lives while Ivy, Selina, Harley, and a very frightened William Shatner sat at the bar. The three girls were used to outbursts like this, it didn't even make them blink anymore.

"So much for not calling attention to ourselves," Jervis joked.

Two-Face stormed right up to Ivy. "I should shoot your ass too."

She scoffed and took another sip of her martini.

"You're really testing my patience."

Joker sidled up next to Harley who blatantly ignored him. "Hi sweetheart."

"I hear this strange buzzing in my ear," she sighed.

"I have been chasing your ass all over this city. Enough is enough. Let's go."

"No way in Candyland I'm going with you anywhere. I have a new boyfriend, William Shatner."

"I'm married," Bill whimpered.

"Shh! He doesn't know that."

"Now see here…" He grabbed Harley's arm and she lost it. Her knee was in his groin and he was on the floor in the blink of an eye.

At this moment, Selina joined Jervis and Johnny on the other side of the bar. "I got twenty on blondie."

"I don't know, Joker is going to be really pissed when he shakes that off," Jervis countered.

"I'm curious as to the odds on Ivy and Two-Face over there," Johnny added.

"That could go either way. If Two-Face stays in control it could go to him but then again Ivy might pull a power move and force Harvey up," Selina explained.

"Twenty on Ivy and thirty says Joker slings Harley over his shoulder and carries her out Tarzan style," Jervis wagered.

"Twenty on Ivy and twenty says Harley takes off with Denny Crane." Jonathan handed his money over to Selina.

"Twenty on Harl and twenty on Ivy dropping Two-Face and Harvey." Selina pulled the money out and sat the stack on the bar.

Joker finally regained his breath and got back on his feet. "I'm going to kill you."

Selina slyly scooped the money up off the table, snatched Harley and Shatner and yelled, "Ivy we're out of here!"

* * *

"Wooohooo! 21!" Selina cheered as Ivy swept a large stack of poker chips towards herself. "You are on fire!"

"I told you, blackjack is my game," Ivy replied.

"Holy crap, look at all these chips!" Harley said excitedly counting them.

"We should go shopping," Selina suggested.

"Ladies, please, don't waste your winnings, let me take you shopping," Shatner insisted.

"Can't argue with that."

They all traipsed into one of the stores in the Venetian shops. For some reason, the gaudier the clothes were, the more they liked them and pretty soon all three girls had hideous new dresses.

"So what are we going to do with all these chips?" Ivy asked.

"Oh! Hotel party!" Harley cried.

Selina ran for the front desk. "We need a suite. Is Mr. Wayne's usual suite free?"

* * *

After searching for a couple hours the boys decided to go back to the hotel room and come up with a new plan. They were surprised when they reached their destination to see that room next to them had the door open and loud music blaring. They poked their heads in and were even more surprised to see William Shatner dancing with Selina while wearing a lampshade on his head.

"What the hell?" Harvey asked taking control again and surveying the scene. There were people everywhere and Ivy was doing body shots off a cocktail waitress and Harley danced with a couple strippers.

"I can't even remember why I was angry with her," Joker said watching Harley dance.

"Hello boys!" Shatner yelled. "Join the party!"

They exchanged looks, shrugged, and decided if you can't beat them, keep an eye on them.

* * *

Shatner's hotel room…

"That's the extent that I remember. Besides waking up in your hotel room," Shatner told them.

Joker burst through the door, his smile more menacing than usual. "Really funny asshat."

"I saw the humor in it," Harvey replied.

Joker picked a metal candlestick up off the table by the door and started for Harvey.

Jonathan snatched the candlestick away as Joker passed and put it under the couch cushion he was currently occupying.

"Mr. Shatner just told us what happened last night," Jervis informed Joker.

Joker grunted and took a seat.

"Basically you and Harvey acted like idiots, blasted into a club, started yelling, you got dropped by Harley, Two-Face acted like a possesive ass, and then Harley, Selina, and I took off to play some games. And yes Harvey, I'm still mad at you," Ivy explained.

"What the hell? It was Two-Face!" Harvey cried.

"Oh don't act so innocent. Apparently you pissed me off enough last night that I took off and left you with the F-Team."

"F-Team? Don't you mean A-Team?" Jervis asked.

"The F is for failure," Selina answered.

"Anyway," Harvey sighed, "we have another piece of the puzzle."

"We still don't know what happened after the chapel and before we met Mr. Shatner, what happened after, or where Bruce and Eddie are," Harley summed up.

"Yes because we don't want to forget about Eddums," Joker sneered.

"Can I say something?" Bill asked.

"Did you sleep with Harley?" Joker yelled pointing a finger at Shatner.

"What? No!"

"Then you may say whatever you like."

"You're insane," Harley snapped.

"Not you."

"Look, you obviously care for Harley very much. I don't remember a lot of what happened after the club but I can remember bits and pieces of you and her kissing and dancing together and what not. You seemed really happy. All this fighting is because you both care for one another."

"We should figure out what happened before the club so we can find Bruce and Eddie and get back to Gotham," Harley announced getting up.

"I agree." Ivy stood up and joined Harley by the door.

Harvey joined them as well as Jervis and Jonathan leaving Selina and Joker together on the couch. While to the casual observer it would seem like Harley was just dodging the question by leaving and everyone else was just ready to go as well, in truth, Harley had just rejected him and now the group at the door with her were on her side.

Selina looked at Joker and she was right back to that night when Eddie proposed to Harley at the Iceberg and Joker ended up bleeding and heart broken on her couch. Her heart broke for him. She knew what being rejected like this felt like. "We should head back to the hotel rooms and see if we can't find more clues." She stood up and held her hand out to Joker. "Help you up old timer?"

He smiled. "Thanks you crone."

They all crammed back into the elevator and when they reached the lobby Harley pulled Selina aside. "Why?"

"Harley…"

"You hate him."

"I'm not his number one fan but I feel for the guy I can't help it."

"You used to be a hard ass."

"Yeah well all the estrogen at Ivy's made me soft."

"He hurt me."

"I know and I also know he's stupid for believing that dumb magazine…"

Harley shook her head. "I don't think that article had anything to do with it."

"He loves you."

"No. I don't think he does or ever did. Ivy's right, he's just in it for the mind games."

"I can't believe that."

"Why?"

"Because he told me about…" Selina stopped herself.

"About what?"

"This weird dream he has where you're in trouble and he can't help you and then he wakes up and holds you tight but back before you were an item he used to break into your apartment and watch you sleep. It's creepy I know, but it's also sweet and you can never tell him I told you because he swore me to secrecy."

"When did he tell you about this?"

"The night you and Eddie got engaged."

Harley chewed her lip.

"The same night he had a mental breakdown and bashed his head against the table until he bled and I had to take him back to the apartment and bandage him up."

"Doesn't mean anything."

"He told Ivy he was in love with you the next day. To admit that, to her, in front of Harvey, that has to mean something."

"They're waiting for us."

"Just tell me the truth, do you love him still?"

"Always and never."

Selina smiled. "Do you still love me?"

"Of course."

* * *

"Hello Mrs. Wayne, Mrs. Dent, Mr. Dent, Miss Quinn, Dr. Crane, Mr. Tetch, Mr. Joker," the concierge greeted as they all entered the Venetian.

Jonathan stopped mid stride. "Damn it!"

"What?" Harvey asked.

"Why didn't we ask the front desk when we checked in and what we were doing?" Jonathan queried.

"Because we're idiots," Jervis answered.

"Hey Kenneth," Harvey said cautiously.

"Oh, now you remember my name. You must want something."

"You angered the concierge too?" Ivy asked in disbelief.

"It's been a rough day damn it."

"We're missing Bruce and our friend Eddie, he's about Joker's height, skinny, black hair, possibly wearing a green suit and we have no idea what time we got here or what happened when we did," Selina blurted out.

"I unfortunately don't know what happened to Mr. Wayne and your friend but I do recall seeing him," Kenneth replied. "I was also here when you all arrived."

* * *

After the chapel, before William Shatner…

Harvey, Jonathan, Joker, and Jervis strolled causally into the Venetian hotel. They figured they needed a home base in case they got separated, they could come back to the hotel and regroup.

"Can I help you sirs?" the woman behind the check in desk asked.

"Uh, yeah, we need a room," Harvey said with a wink.

The girl smiled politely but the group could tell she was nervous. "Ok, for four?"

"Yeah. If we need to add more can we do that later?"

"You could rent a villa," she suggested.

"What the hell is that?"

"A suite."

"We can do that." Harvey pulled out a credit card which would be charged but he'd never pay.

"This is amazing," Jervis said in awe as he looked around the suite.

"Yes, it's very lovely," Kenneth agreed as he walked into the suite behind them. "Hello, I'm Kenneth and I'm the concierge. Anything you gentlemen need, don't be afraid to ask."

"Thank you," Jonathan replied.

"Anything I can do for you right now?"

"Got a good place to get some dinner?" Harvey asked.

"Tao is our finest restaurant."

"Great, we'll take a table."

"I'll set that up for you right now." Kenneth walked over to the phone and started to dial the restaurant's number. Meanwhile, Harvey pulled out his own phone and called Ivy.

"Hello," Ivy sighed into the phone.

"Hey gorgeous, you'll never believe where I am."

"Arkham?"

"Nope, the Venetian."

"You're in Las Vegas?"

"Yup. You find Harley yet?"

"We did but we just lost her and Eddie."

"You, Selina, and Bruce should get over here. We're going to get some dinner."

"Whose we?"

"Me, Jervis, Jonathan, and Jack."

"The guys are here and they're at the Venetian," Ivy told Selina and Bruce. "We should meet up with them, it might be easier to find Harley with their help. Harvey?"

"Yes?"

"We'll be there in a few minutes."

* * *

"Hi, we're meeting some friends for dinner," Selina told the maitre d at Tao.

"Mr. Wayne! So nice to see you again!" the maitre d cried in excitement.

"You too," Bruce replied with his best fop smile.

"Yeah, hi, I'm not even here," Selina said sarcastically to Ivy.

"Would you like your usual table?"

"No, actually, we have some friends inside already." Bruce threw his arm around Selina's shoulders and gave her a squeeze. "It's Harvey Dent's table."

"Oh! Mr. Dent! So you must be Mrs. Dent," the maitre d said giving Ivy's hand a light shake. "When Mr. Dent said he was expecting Mr. and Mrs. Wayne I didn't think it was the Mr. Wayne. Congratulations on your wedding. She is lovely sir."

"What the he…" Selina started but was cut off by Bruce's hand being clamped over her mouth.

"Let's go see Harvey huh?"

"Mrs. Wayne?" Selina hissed slamming her handbag onto the table. "That's not funny."

"I thought it was," Harvey replied. "You should try this drink. I don't know what it is but it's amazing."

Selina, Ivy, and Bruce sat down. "I'm not in the mood for a drink."

"You're angry, you're in the mood for a drink," Harvey teased.

"I'd expect this behavior from him," she pointed at Joker, "but from you this is just ridiculous."

"You going to gripe at me too?" Harvey asked looking at Ivy.

"I'm married to you pretty much so Mrs. Dent doesn't bother me."

"See, she's fun."

Selina glared at him.

"How did you guys get here?" Bruce asked to change the subject.

"Luthor air," Joker answered.

"What?"

"We asked him to lend us his jet and he was most compliant after Talia started to get testy," Harvey explained.

Bruce nodded.

"Where's Harley?" Joker spat out.

"We lost her at Viva Las Vegas wedding chapel and why is that guy watching us like a hawk?" Selina rambled.

"That's Kenny the concierge. You spend money on a suite and you get royal treatment," Harvey told her.

"So where is she now?" Joker demanded.

"No clue."

"Have you called her?"

"She won't answer."

"We should check all the casinos and some of us can split off and check the chapels," Ivy said.

"Shoot," Bruce grumbled pulling his phone out of his pocket. "I need to take this." He got up and headed for the lobby.

* * *

The concierge desk…

"And then shortly after Mrs. Wayne followed him and then came back in to get Mrs. Dent. Mr. Dent followed her out and came back in by himself to get the rest of your group," Kenneth explained.

"Well what the hell happened to Mr. Wayne?" Selina asked.

"I don't know…but it might be on the security cameras."

The group followed Kenneth to the security office. "We can see the tapes from last night and find out what happened to Mr. Wayne."

"There he is!" Selina cried excitedly.

* * *

The Lobby…

"Hello Dick," Bruce said cheerfully.

"Are you really in Las Vegas right now?" Dick asked.

"Yes I am."

"I told you to go talk to Selina, not run off and marry her."

"We followed Harley and Eddie here and oddly enough, Harvey, Crane, Tetch, and Joker followed us."

"When are you coming back?"

"When we find Harley. Speaking of which, I just saw Eddie. I have to go." Bruce hung up and rushed over to the hallway where Eddie just walked down. "Eddie!" he called.

"Shit! What are you doing here?" Eddie asked.

"Harvey, Jonathan, Jervis, and Joker are here, they called Ivy, Selina, and me to have dinner."

"Did you say Joker?"

"Yes."

"Damn."

"Where's Harley?"

"The ladies room."

"You guys get married?"

"Not yet and don't try to stop us!"

"I'm not. You guys are adults."

"I'm going to go check on Bruce," Selina announced getting up from the table. She walked out to the lobby and didn't see him but she heard his voice not too far off. She went down a side hallway and was surprised to see him talking to Eddie. "What the fuck?"

"Selina!" Eddie squealed.

"Where's Harley?"

"She's in the ladies room," Bruce answered.

Selina opened her mouth to chew Eddie out when she noticed a door behind him. She smiled, walked over to him slowly, and with the speed of a cheetah, she flung the door open, shoved him in, and closed it.

"Selina, you can't lock him in a closet!" Bruce cried.

"Oh yes, I can, see." She shoved Bruce in, closed the door, and jammed one of her hair pins in the lock. "See you boys later." She walked back into the lobby and spotted Harley. "Hey girl."

Harley froze.

"I just ran into Eddie, he took off with Bruce."

"What?" Harley cried.

"Yup. Let's get Ivy and get out of here."

"But…"

"Just wait here." Selina walked back into Tao, grabbed Ivy, and walked out with Harvey hot on their heels.

"What do you mean you girls are taking off? Where's Bruce and Eddie?" Harvey asked.

"They split," Selina replied simply.

"You're not leaving me here."

"I'll be back," Ivy assured him.

"I'm not going to let you run around Vegas with your girlfriends."

"Excuse me? Let me? I can do what I want. I am not your property!"

"You tell him Shaniqua," Selina joked.

"You are my woman…"

"The hell I am. Let's go." Ivy started for the door dragging Harley behind her. Selina waved and followed.

"Damn it!" Harvey stormed back into Tao. "I just found Harley, she took off with Selina and Ivy. We're following them."

* * *

Security office…

"I locked Bruce and Eddie in a closet," Selina said slowly trying to wrap her brain around it.

"I figured I was the one who lost them," Joker admitted.

"We don't even use that closet. It just has extra mops and brooms and what not in it," Kenneth told them.

"So they're still in there?" Ivy asked.

"Probably."

Selina made it out of the security room first but the group wasn't far behind. When they got to the closet no one jumped to open the door. "Bruce is going to be pissed," Selina mumbled.

"Maybe we should leave them in there," Joker offered.

"We can't do that."

"Bruce, Eddie," Jervis called through the door.

"Jervis!" Eddie screamed. "Is that you?"

"Yes. Now, I'm out here with Ivy, Selina, Harley, Harvey, Jonathan, and Joker."

"I'm going to kill that clown!" Bruce yelled banging on the door.

Joker took a step back. It was like Batman was on the other side of the door.

"Ok, well, don't get hasty. You probably assume that Joker locked you in this closet but the funny thing is, heh, he didn't," Jervis went on.

"Who did?" Eddie asked.

"Um, ha, it's really a funny story," Selina started. "Eddie, remember, we're friends and we've been through a lot, and Bruce, babe, remember how I used to call you babe in the morning?"

"Selina, let me out of here so I can kick your ass," Bruce growled.

"See, when you say things like that it makes me want to leave you in there."

Bruce started banging on the door again.

"Eddie, if you knock Bruce unconscious and promise not to beat me, I'll let you out."

There was silence for a moment and after a few minutes Eddie finally said, "Selina, my dear, on a scale from 1 to what is he going to do with that rubber chicken, how mad is Joker?"

Selina turned around to face Joker. His eyes were wide, shiny, and he was salivating like there was a steak in front of him. "I'd say somewhere around, why is there a can of smile-x in my ass."

"I see. I'm prepared to spend the rest of my life in this closet."

Joker pulled his gun out and aimed at the door knob.

"Um, Ed, Bruce, you might want to get away from the door," Ivy told them.

The gun fired a split second later and the door swung open. Eddie and Bruce were huddled against the opposite wall.

Bruce looked bewildered for a second as his eyes adjusted to the light but when he found Selina his anger returned. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Oh, you know, a grocery list of things," she joked nervously.

Joker flew into the closet and started strangling Eddie. "You stupid, little, shit! I'm going to kill you!"

"Help!" Eddie screamed.

"How dare you flee to Vegas with Harley!"

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please let me go!"

Joker grabbed his lapel flower and Harley dove on top of him. "No! Puddin don't!"

"Did you just call me Puddin?" Joker asked hopefully.

"It was a slip!" Harley replied quickly.

Joker smiled up at her. "You called me Puddin'."

Harley got up off him. "Don't read into it."

"You only call me Puddin' when you love me."

"Shut up."

"Hahahahahaa! Puddin'."

She stomped out of the closet. "We found Eddie and Bruce, can we go home now?"

* * *

Sunday…

The plane ride home had been awkward, silent. No one knew what to say to one another or how to handle things when they touched down in Gotham. Harvey and Ivy stepped into the apartment. Harley decided to join Eddie at the Iceberg to help him smooth everything over with Holly and Selina said she had her own business to attend to.

They both headed for the bedroom. Harvey took a seat on the bed and started taking off his shoes while Ivy pulled some pajamas out of the dresser.

"Is it going to be this weird forever?" Harvey asked.

"You called me your woman. You tried to control me," she replied not looking at him.

"I was drunk and stoned."

"And you threatened me."

"Two-Face threatened you," he corrected.

Ivy sighed. "It was a bad trip."

"I'll go."

"Just like that huh?"

"What?"

"We hit a snag and off you go."

"You ran the first part of our relationship. Hell, you booked it to Hawaii when I asked you to be with me forever."

"You're right, I'm a hypocrite."

"Well then let's talk about it. I'm sorry I acted like an ass. I can't apologize for him though. But the thing is petunia, you went running off like a defiant teenager before I had the chance to even correct myself."

"You're right again."

"So what do you want from me?"

"I don't know. Nothing I guess." She dropped down next to him on the bed. "Everything got screwed up and it's all my fault."

"At least we can say we partied with William Shatner."

Ivy smiled. "Yes, we can say that."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, I guess I'm mad at myself. And a little mad at Two-Face for threatening to shoot me."

"He's a dick."

"Hey, that's my man you're talking about."

"What?"

"Well I'm practically married to him."  
"I thought…"

"What? That I was just in it for you?" she laughed. "I love you, all of you. I know you see yourself as two people but to me you're a package deal and I can't be with Harvey if I don't want to be with Two-Face."

The change was subtle barely noticeable but Two-Face was in control again. "You love me?"

Ivy touched his scarred cheek. "Yes. I love you."

He grunted and released control back to Harvey. "I think you melted his heart."

"I can't believe you two are so stupid." She kissed his forehead. "Let's get some sleep."

* * *

"Hello Holly," Eddie said sheepishly as he took a seat at the bar.

"Look who crawled back into town," she snapped.

"I want to talk."

"I'm busy."

"Holly please don't be mad at him. This is all a huge mistake," Harley chimed in.

"I'm too busy for you too."

"Holly I love you," Eddie tried.

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"Tough shit."

Eddie sunk down into his bar stool. This wasn't working.

"You ran off to Vegas with the intention to marry another girl."

"I was Ivy stoned!"

"And if you ran off with Selina or Ivy it would be one thing but with your ex-fiancé, it becomes a whole new situation."

"Holly…"

"I already moved my stuff out of your place and put your crap in a box and left it at yours."

Eddie started to cry. Not silent tears but full blown "I'm 5 and just fell off my bike" crying. He was emotionally, physically, and mentally drained from the weekend and this was just too much to handle.

"Really?" Holly asked.

He cried harder.

Holly walked out from behind the bar, grabbed him by the elbow, and walked him back to Oswald's office. "Can I borrow this room for a minute?" she asked.

Oswald looked at her like she was crazy until he saw the blubbering mess she was holding. "For the love of god man!"

"Please?"

"Make it quick." Oswald got up and tottered off into the bar.

Holly pulled some tissues out of Oswald's desk drawer and handed them to Eddie. "Please stop crying." Her voice wasn't angry anymore. Now she was sympathetic and calming, like a mother talking to a child.

"I'm sorry I just don't know what to do."

"It's ok."

"I don't want to loose you."

She sighed.

"I was locked in a closet for a day and a half and the whole time I was looking forward to seeing you. I got off the plane and immediately came here."

She smiled a little.

"I never wanted Harley. It's always been you."

"Always huh?"

"No, actually that's not true. For one moment back before I met you I wanted Harley."

Holly shook her head.

"I only asked her out last year because I never thought in a million years you'd want someone like me. When you started up with Dick I figured you two would end up married. He was always the kind of guy I pictured you with." He took a deep breath and wiped his nose.

"Eddie…"

"This is hopeless. I'm sorry I bothered you at work. I'll leave and you'll never see me again."

Holly wrapped her arms around his neck. "Don't say that."

"Why?"

"I would be very sad if I never saw you again."

"But it won't be fair for me to have to see you with someone else."

"Oh there's no one else you ass."

Eddie pulled her closer to him and buried his face in her hair. "Please don't be teasing me."

"I'm not. I was teasing you before. All my stuff is still at your place."

"Really?"

"Yeah I was just trying to see how you'd react."

"You're mean."

"And you're an idiot. You ever do something like that again and I swear I will tell Ivy you were the one who gave her that perfume made from rainforest flowers that secret Santa two Christmases ago."

"You wouldn't."

"Try and run off and get married to someone else again."

* * *

Harley waited at the bar while Eddie and Holly talked in Oswald's office. She'd changed back into her regular clothes on the plane and was delighted to find her phone in her pocket. She pulled it out and immediately deleted all the texts. She didn't care to relive any of the Tipster updates. Instead, she scrolled though her menu until she found the pictures folder. Most of the weekend shots were of the floor, her pocket, or out of focus. Except one, a close up shot of her kissing Joker. She smiled. "Puddin'."

The smile fell quickly when she thought back to the day when he told her those two horrible words, "I don't".

"I love you," she had said.

"I don't." It was so quick. He didn't even think about it.

Her finger hovered over the menu button. She wanted to delete the picture. She wanted to forget him, something that would be impossible.

* * *

Selina hailed a cab and headed for Wayne Manor. She was hoping that with Alfred around, Bruce would remain civil. It was not the case.

"You locked me in a closet after I went to Vegas to help you," he yelled.

"I know and I am really, really, really sorry about that."

"Dick told me to go talk to you, I do, and I end up in a closet."

"I really appreciate the help."

"Save it. Get out."

"Bruce please."

"Please what?"

"Please forgive me for locking you in a closet."

He waved her off and started to walk out of the room.

"Why did you come to help us anyway?" she asked following him.

"Because I was stupid."

"Come on."

"Because I didn't want you to get into any trouble," he admitted.

"That's sweet."

"And then I got locked in a closet."

"You're going to dwell on that aren't you?"

He grunted.

"Look, I'm not expecting us to go to movies and be buddies. I just want to make sure you're not going to pounce on me when I walk out of the Iceberg."

"Since when do I attack you?"

"With all the crap I put you through? Taking you to the Iceberg, getting the rogues wrapped up in Bruce's life, phone calls from Joker, locking you in a closet…"

"Breaking my heart."

Selina smiled softly. "That one really hurts me too." Silence lingered in the air for a minute longer than she was comfortable with. "Anyway, my point is, I'd probably beat my ass about now if I was you."

Bruce smiled. "Good night Selina."

"Night." She started for the door.

"Good night miss," Alfred said as he went to open the door for her.

Selina stopped, turned around, and started back for the hallway she left Bruce in. "No actually, I lied, kind of. I didn't expect us to be friends, but I did expect a happy ending. I thought maybe you followed me to Vegas because you loved me and I was going to come over here, apologize, and you were going to scoop me up for this big Hollywood moment because I still love you."

There was that silence again. Saying all the things they couldn't. Twice Bruce opened his mouth and both times no words came out. Nothing seemed to be the right thing to say. Selina's phone started to ring in her purse. When she was sure Bruce was just doing an imitation of a fish, she pulled it out and answered, "Hello."

"Hiya Kittie, I just wanted to see if you needed anything while I was out," Harley chirped.

"Are you coming back to our apartment?"

"Yeah."

Selina looked up at Bruce. Behind him, through the window, she could see the Bat-signal over the city. "I don't need anything sweetie but I'll be home real soon."


End file.
